 | In my experience, verbal and emotional abuse
is widespread and is exhibited to varying degrees. |
| Note how common the term "dysfunctional family"
is. Note how many of us speak of an emotionally or otherwise abusive childhood. Why
then are we shocked that we grow up to be "abusive" or
"codependent" or "victim?" |
| Both victim and abuser are
"codependent," as described by Burney in his book: they
have lost their connection
to their inner self. (Click to get Burney's Codependence: Dance of the Wounded Souls.) |
| Burney's "classic" definition of "codependence" allows the
angry abuser codependent status as well ("counter-dependent") as the victim - the person typically perceived
as the codependent. |
| Dysfunctional families
produce adults who do not take care of themselves. These individuals
either give up the self to care for other ("codependent") or expect to be
taken care of ("counter-dependent" or
abusive
codependent"). |
| Verbal & emotional abuse phenomena
are a byproduct of not caring for the self and not taking responsibility
for the self, and the self alone. |
| The only person
who can take care of you - is you! (Nor would you want it any other
way!) |
| Verbal and emotional
abuse in childhood teaches the intricate skills necessary to be both
victim and perpetrator
- depending on the balance of power in a particular relationship, and
the degree of not taking responsibility for one's life (the
codependency). |
| The
two extreme ends of the abuser-victim continuum are (1) responsible, self-caring behavior and
(2) batterer/battered victim, with most people somewhere in the middle. Note
I put the batterer and the victim together.
Each one needs help. |
| Some people are clearly
more on the "victim" end; others are more on the "abuse"
end. The pathology is a matter of degree. |
| Both victim and abuser need
to clean up their act. Both harbor a set of irrational, automatic thoughts and
lack various
skills, such as impulse-control, assertion, etc. as they
begin to listen to what is inside the self. |
| Abusers, in
their "it is your job to care for me" mode often evidence narcissistic
and/or antisocial aspects. This makes recovery more
difficult and reduces treatment motivation. |
| Recovery for
both parties: The inner self provides the
way. The skills provide the means. |
| Women are usually, but not always, identified as the victims of abuse. Men are usually, but not always, identified as
the offenders. |
| There are lots of abused men out there. Their predicament
is even tougher to identify. When's the last time you saw a men's
shelter? |
| Too many former female victims of abuse, including authors
and lecturers, have serious anger issues of their own; many hate men. It shows. They're just not finished with their recovery yet. |
| Abuse is not a sexist issue, even though some victim groups attempt to
politicize or exploit the phenomenon. |
| Abuse is an
equal opportunity employers and doesn't care what color you are, or
about your gender, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status or where
you live. |
| "Protecting" the victim is akin to enabling their
sorrowful behavior. Victims need to be empowered.
But they must understand empowerment first. |
| Abusers need to
be empowered. But they must understand empowerment first. |
| It is difficult for an inexperienced lay or
professional person to tell who is the abuser and who is the
abused: both parties may
present in a loud and angry manner.
|
| The abusive person expects that the victim take care of them. The victim is
happy to oblige. When the victim inevitably fails in care
taking, the abuser gets mad or resentful. Here's a quick guide to the abuser's treatment. |
| Abusive individuals are self-serving
though typically well-intended and intensely protective of their loved ones.
However, the loved ones
usually experience their control as intensely negative - and
it is! |
| Some abusers are simply out for
blood. These people are probably antisocial personality
disordered. |
| Even antisocial
types who really really want to turn it around - can. |
| Once they own it, most abusive individuals are horrified
by their behavior. They are not horrible people. They are hurt
people who are married to their egos and have little or no clue as to who they are. |
| The same individual may be the abuser in one
relationship and the abused in the next! It is about the balance of
power of the degree of anger each person has relative
to same in their partner. |
| Verbal abuse issues are
closely related to codependency problems. Put another way, the
codependency literature is a useful framework through which to view
and identify with this phenomena. |
|
Both partners are disconnected from Self though the codependency issues
may appear more apparent in the victim. Both caretake. Both try to control others; neither controls themselves. There is
a loss of the self in both. |
| Victims and
abusers bounce off each other, though the provoking "starts"
in most cases with the abusive person. (It can only start however if
the partner picks it up!) |
| Abusers and victims owe it to themselves
to be the best
people they can possibly be. Both need to learn to accept themselves, and to
control themselves rather than to control others. Both need to stop distorting and to
face reality. Both need to get honest, take responsibility, and stop blaming. Both need to
set boundaries. Boundaries,
self-control and self-respect are central to the recovery of both the abuser and the
victim. They have much in common though their issues are
expressed very differently. |
| "Addiction"
to anger, or food, or alcohol, or drugs, or shopping, or gambling, or
sex, or love, or pornography, or people, etc., etc. simply means that
the "addict" lacks the skills to recognize and/or deal with
emotional issues that arise. "Addiction" is conceptualized
as an obsession/compulsion where the individual focuses on an idea
(the "obsession") and does not experience relief unless
engaging in the "compulsion," i.e., the behavior that
reduces discomfort. This series of acts is done instead of focusing
on dealing with the issue at hand. |
| Victims and
abusive types both can tend towards addiction , i.e., running away vs.
coping behaviors. |
