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| Blaming is a big issue these days.
Particularly in our litigious society, "somebody" is always to blame. That
somebody "made" you do something is common usage, and it underlies the way most
of us think and act. But we don’t have to. Unless we are litigating attorneys,
blaming makes little sense. Have you met Kristin and Pete yet? If you haven't, you don't need to go there now (unless you want to). The long and short of it: Kristin is a young lady who loves Pete. Both are recovering addicts. Both are codependent. Both are angry. Pete is angrier and is into control. He is great at provoking Kristin. She doesn't notice the provocation. But she does get angry. Very angry. So angry, in fact, that she acts out. She can be really, really rotten towards Pete: loud, nasty, accusing, etc., etc., and she can stay that way for days, even when he is trying his very best. Too bad she reacts to his provocation. She just makes things worse and gives Pete the opportunity to look good - since she looks so bad. Kristin cannot control Pete, but she has options regarding her own behavior. She can blame him for making her...
Or, she could realize that though she has no power over him, she can control herself:
To do this, Kristin has to put the lid on her own impulsivity and turn on her self-awareness cap. Then she has to articulate her request. Good assertion skills are not inborn. They are learned, and Kristin, like most people, has yet to cultivate them. This is a lot of work, but well worth it. Notice that much time and energy will be spent figuring out what to say, and how to say it. She is more likely to get Pete's cooperation if she does than she is if she engages in the "easier" acting-out stuff mentioned earlier. While Kristin is the codependent victim in her relationship with Pete, she is not off the hook with self-control. The codependent needs to cultivate self-control skills every bit as much as the abuser. She needs to control her tendency to act out in response to Pete's provocation. Reacting is the easy way out. It feels temporarily "good." There is a sense of relief and vindication. But it doesn't work. Where is the relief when all that has been accomplished is an exacerbation of the situation? Taking control is hard work. First, Kristin has to recognize that she is acting out. Then she has to stop it and sit still long enough to chill out. Once she is calm, she needs to systematically examine the specifics of what is bothering her. Then, she needs to figure out what to say, how to say it, and when to say it. This is not easy! Especially when you are not used to doing it. Think of it as learning a foreign language, and be prepared to spend as much energy learning assertion as you would learning Swahili.
FAQs Looks easier said than done. True. But, with practice and persistence, self-control skills are very do-able. What gives the Pete the right to provoke Kristin? The issue is not whether Pete has a right to provoke. The issue is that he does it. This is clearly not OK. If Pete could help it, he would not do it. The question is how can Kristin best deal with the problem she has in her relationship with the man she loves. Why should Kristin put up with the provocation? She shouldn’t. Kind of hard to walk out though when you love the guy and you are working on working it out. It’s not fair that Kristin has to put up with Pete's verbal abuse. No, it is not fair. Life is not fair. Life is what you make it.
Wouldn't it be easier if she just left him? Easier? Sure. But there are some mitigating factors:
Moral of the story: Its not only the angry controller who needs self-control skills. The codependent needs them just as much. It is about taking your power.
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