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How
did I Become Abusive?| December
18. 2000
Dr.
Irene, |
| How
did I Become Abusive? by a "victim" Yes, I've found, I can be, eventually will, be abusive to my shock and sorrow (not to negate my responsibility) But I have had many "good" teachers, "charming" masterful teachers learned teachers Those who have counseled my soul and I have learned much and each lesson hurts, digs in further & leaves me confounded on how to integrate this foreign idea The idea of hurting someone with "intention" What have I learned? Hummm Protection ~ of Him, for him, from him, Ultimately of me (how dare I !) Negotiation ~ of my real self abandonment ~ That makes grieving of a death supremely bearable Loss ~ of self Strength ~ which will become evident later , later , later because I'm blind to my strength now I thank you for the Lesson's Non-the less Even still I feel shame, guilt, a sense of overwhelming responsibility to make it Right, even as I write As if some thing has continued it's dogged vision, it's cancerous "tick" that pushes forward until I quit running quit trying Stop and surrender to the "agenda" even now I call it... "it" I can't even find fault with him now Because "it" Lives on our Rage our helplessness, our fear, & eventually our hardness of soul and "objectification of Love Leaving a Narrow path to follow Yes there are points of Solace, peace, clarity ~ even love doled out as crumbs a Nibble used only as another tool of Abuse Like a sweet scent that drifts into the room and just as "magically" disappears with a look a body gesture the click of the front door, ring of the phone, another abandonment Leaves me with more "should" haves and "could" haves How can I FIX this * FIX ME So that It will be alright again the cycle the turning of the worm That tis all Please feel free to post and be a harsh critic or validator :) In Peace K Dear K, unfortunately the victim learns the abuser's tricks all too often... Dr. Irene |
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