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| August
30, 2000
..and it has been helping me in areas I have not approached yet in therapy...
I have lived in an abusive marriage for 17 years. Yeah, I
know...that is a long time. I married young...19....I would not suggest
marrying young to anyone....ever! My husband, the week after we got
married began his abuse, keeping me away from my family, beating me,
threatening to kill me, etc. Ouchhh! Always
accused me of 'pushing his buttons'. Life was like living in a field of
land mines...you never knew what would set one off...I told him the next
time he beat me, I'd go to the Police...then he started in major on my
kids, claiming it was discipline...I knew I had to leave, prayed for God
to protect us, and I left with the kids. Most of the abuse, now looking
back on my life after getting out 4 months ago, was 'common'. All except
the next two things. I'd like feedback from your readers on the next two
subjects.
My husband demanded sex constantly. Oh
Miranda...This is very, very common... Even if I told him I did
not want to...he claimed it was my Biblical duty to 'please my man'
and told me I had to anyway. He obviously was taking the Bible out of
context...but I didn't dare fight him on it...or he would have further
abused me and gotten what he wanted anyway. Did
you see the post on the Koran? He also
had a major pornographic addiction...though never had an affair...he
just abused me and made me fulfill his gross fantasies. Rule of thumb: If both people want to do (anything), go
for it; if only one person wants to do (anything), it's not OK. Don't
do it! Has anyone out there had an abusive/pornographic
problem in their relationships?
It is funny...after answering all the questions, the court clinician asked about the abuse I suffered, they always asked..."Does he drink or do drugs?" He did neither...but he did have a pornographic addiction....which was not one of the questions. Sad... It should be the next question...
Secondly, I had two miscarriages. The first, I miscarried
at 4 months. I had to have the baby removed in the hospital. My husband
gave me 14 days to grieve ( I was allowed to cry when he was not around
and not have a smile on my face...that was the extent I was allowed to
grieve) , pounded his fist on the table, then demanded that I, 'Put a
smile on my face, and live for Him (Was he talking
about Him or himself, as in hubby? ) and my other two sons...not
for some dead child I never saw or held'. Ugh...
Six months later I had another miscarriage at two months along and was
given the same deal. I never really grieved the loss of those two
children, and as a result have a hard time showing emotions...crying in
front of others.
Anyone else out there have a problem with feeling comfortable with showing emotions after living in an abusive relationship? If so, I'd like to hear how you handled it. My guess Miranda is that you always cried in secret, but your marriage was the big-time icing on the cake. Abuse does not start at 19; you "knew" it in childhood. Were you allowed to cry? Or, did you more or less cry in secret - because you had been hurt... (Miranda emails to clarify:) You are right, abuse does not start at 19 ...though my parents were never abusive. From grades 3-7, I was emotionally abused and physically abused in Catholic school by the Nuns and children...you know, the one kid who was always picked on (me) deal. Got out at age 12, was placed in a Public School which was much better, then was molested by the 'Dad' of the first child I babysat for...then met my husband at age 15, thinking he'd be my only shot at marriage...so I guess my rough childhood 'tuffed' me up in the crying area...My husband just sealed the coffin. I see. You are one of those people with two very sweet, giving, nice parents - probably both codependent and very loving. They taught you to roll with the punches. This worked very well for them - since they did not punch each other. Punches were about the last thing you expected... You assumed other people were as kind and loving as you and your parents are...
Yes...you are right. My parents did teach me to roll
with the punches...and a punch was the last thing I expected.
That's all for now... Miranda Free
and getting it together! Best wishes, Dr. Irene
and With Love & Purrrs and hopes
you find another wonderful codependent like yourself, Trubble
P.S. Trubble... rather then hooking up with a co-dependent man, I think I'll get a dog (no offense...I am allergic to cats)...a nice Wheaten Terrier...I think it'll be easier to handle... *big grin* Humphhh! A dumb dog? I'm so highly offended! I take it all back. With Hate & Hisses, Trubble (Oh boy...) Any comments for Miranda Gang? The Doc. |
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