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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

I've Been Reading Your Site

I've Been Reading Your Site

August 30, 2000 

..and it has been helping me in areas I have not approached yet in therapy... 

I have lived in an abusive marriage for 17 years. Yeah, I know...that is a long time. I married young...19....I would not suggest marrying young to anyone....ever! My husband, the week after we got married began his abuse, keeping me away from my family, beating me, threatening to kill me, etc. Ouchhh! Always accused me of 'pushing his buttons'. Life was like living in a field of land never knew what would set one off...I told him the next time he beat me, I'd go to the Police...then he started in major on my kids, claiming it was discipline...I knew I had to leave, prayed for God to protect us, and I left with the kids. Most of the abuse, now looking back on my life after getting out 4 months ago, was 'common'. All except the next two things. I'd like feedback from your readers on the next two subjects.
My husband demanded sex constantly. Oh Miranda...This is very, very common... Even if I told him I did not want to...he claimed it was my Biblical duty to 'please my man' and told me I had to anyway. He obviously was taking the Bible out of context...but I didn't dare fight him on it...or he would have further abused me and gotten what he wanted anyway. Did you see the post on the Koran? He also had a major pornographic addiction...though never had an affair...he just abused me and made me fulfill his gross fantasies. Rule of thumb: If both people want to do (anything), go for it; if only one person wants to do (anything), it's not OK. Don't do it! Has anyone out there had an abusive/pornographic problem in their relationships? 

It is funny...after answering all the questions, the court clinician asked about the abuse I suffered, they always asked..."Does he drink or do drugs?" He did neither...but he did have a pornographic addiction....which was not one of the questions. Sad... It should be the next question...

Secondly, I had two miscarriages. The first, I miscarried at 4 months. I had to have the baby removed in the hospital. My husband gave me 14 days to grieve ( I was allowed to cry when he was not around and not have a smile on my face...that was the extent I was allowed to grieve) , pounded his fist on the table, then demanded that I, 'Put a smile on my face, and live for Him (Was he talking about Him or himself, as in hubby? ) and my other two sons...not for some dead child I never saw or held'. Ugh... Six months later I had another miscarriage at two months along and was given the same deal. I never really grieved the loss of those two children, and as a result have a hard time showing emotions...crying in front of others.  

Anyone else out there have a problem with feeling comfortable with showing emotions after living in an abusive relationship? If so, I'd like to hear how you handled it. My guess Miranda is that you always cried in secret, but your marriage was the big-time icing on the cake. Abuse does not start at 19; you "knew" it in childhood. Were you allowed to cry? Or, did you more or less cry in secret - because you had been hurt...

(Miranda emails to clarify:) You are right, abuse does not start at 19 ...though my parents were never abusive. From grades 3-7, I was emotionally abused and physically abused in Catholic school by the Nuns and know, the one kid who was always picked on (me) deal. Got out at age 12, was placed in a Public School which was much better, then was molested by the 'Dad' of the first child I babysat for...then met my husband at age 15, thinking he'd be my only shot at I guess my rough childhood 'tuffed' me up in the crying area...My husband just sealed the coffin. I see. You are one of those people with two very sweet, giving, nice parents - probably both codependent and very loving. They taught you to roll with the punches. This worked very well for them - since they did not punch each other. Punches were about the last thing you expected... You assumed other people were as kind and loving as you and your parents are... are right. My parents did teach me to roll with the punches...and a punch was the last thing I expected.
That's all for now... Miranda  Free and getting it together! Best wishes, Dr. Irene 

and With Love & Purrrs and hopes you find another wonderful codependent like yourself, Trubble

P.S. Trubble... rather then hooking up with a co-dependent man, I think I'll get a dog (no offense...I am allergic to cats)...a nice Wheaten Terrier...I think it'll be easier to handle... *big grin*

Humphhh! A dumb dog? I'm so highly offended! I take it all back. With Hate & Hisses, Trubble  

(Oh boy...) Any comments for Miranda Gang? The Doc.

 I want to read the posts.