| August
7, 2000
Hi Doc! Hi Rhoda!
the stormy season has passed for now. there is absolutely no
comparing the joy in my life to the existence that I had before. my
doctor is working with me and I have been on 40mg of Paxil. I know
that has been a huge aid for me. You bet!
Did you see the last link I posted; the one about childhood abuse and
its relationship to adult depression, anxiety, etc? one of my friends that I have known
for several years has been my almost constant companion for the last
couple of months. we have faced each of our own abusive pasts together,
crying sometimes, laughing most times and helping to parent all of our
kids together. using the knowledge that I gained by immersing myself
in research and your site, I gently nudged her many times to face the pain
she had been ignoring. she felt that she could not face the past and
be able to take care of her little ones. but we have made such
phenomenal progress! I have also rented two rooms out in my
house, so the activity level here is constant and boisterous!
the day care that I am opening is going to be so much fun! I have
been furiously busy, the young man that I rented the back room to has been
a hard working partner in getting this house ready for the day care.
he has a friend that has come over to help with some construction on the
house. and my god, the man is beautiful in form and spirit. so
this is my latest crush. but my young friend is so fatherly in his
caring for me, even though he is fourteen years younger than me. he
is playing big brother with the attraction that is mutual between the
tall, handsome carpenter and myself. he so much as asked the man what his
intentions towards me are. I reflect so much upon your words about
making myself expensive, not to give the store away. I also think
about how the codependency is maybe not so much of the problem as the
selling out is. Correct. Keep in mind that
selling out is the foundational cornerstone of co-dependency! Selling the
self short for an ego fix compromises your being's integrity. That hurts
the soul and robs the self of inner peace. I have learned so much, the isolation period that I
self-imposed while reading and assimilating so much was like a cocoon.
I feel ready to emerge and spread my wings in the sunshine of the right
man's love. by surrounding myself with loving friends constantly,
the final transformation has been made possible. I feel the love of
my god deep in the core of my being. my faith has been made fierce
by the struggles I have had within. God's love has
always been there. Your fierce personal struggle and insistence on taking
the high road has simply opened your being to more readily recognizing
and accepting your Maker's Love. At least, that's how I see all this
spiritual good stuff.
immediately ahead of me now is the re-training of my daughters. I
have been very lenient with them about chores and things. I wanted
to establish in their minds that I am truly, fully here for them as never
before. I think that the emotional bonding has progressed
sufficiently for me to now exercise my power as their parent and mold them
into more responsible, courteous young ladies whose inner beauty will
match their outer beauty. that is the battle ahead of us over the
next few weeks. but they are very good girls at heart, so I am
confident that by the time school starts our relationship will be cemented
with love and respect.
so, the latest on the divorce is next. I think the story is a good
one:
the status conference was a 10a.m. I arrived on time. the courtroom
was pretty full, so I sat on the bench that runs the length of the side
wall, rather than climb over someone in the rows of benches. I began
quietly reading a Watchtower magazine. at 10:30 T walked in.
several issues had been called and there were more seats in the rows of
benches, but he chose to sit next to me. I continued to read, calm
and able to focus on the article. after a few moments I
got up to visit the ladies room, and when I returned I sat in a different
spot. I tried not to dwell on it, but I disgustedly asked myself why
does a man that has a protective order against him sit right next to the
woman that is protected by the order??
gradually the courtroom cleared, our issue being one of the last ones
called. we both went before the judge. she confirmed that we
desired to proceed with the dissolution. as usual, T did most of the
talking. I listened while he said that he wants this to get over as
quickly and painlessly as possible for everyone. he told her that he
only wanted to see his kids. he doesn't understand why they are on
the protective order also. he can't afford $200 a week to see his
girls under the court appointed supervisor. (he is permitted 4 hours
a week visitation at $50 per hour). he hasn't been able to see them
in 7 months.... the judge told us that we obviously would be going to
trial over this, and that the visitation was a issue to be addressed at
the trial. I asked permission to speak, and told the
judge that if he would go to the domestic violence treatment that was
ordered, he would understand why the girls are included on the protective
order. he bit on that bait like a pit bull. he emphatically
denied that there was any domestic violence. he has no history of
domestic violence, there are no charges. she again repeated that the
trial would address that, asking him to not interrupt her. after he
was quiet she queried him on what he was in compliance with - and that not
cooperating with the courts was not to his benefit. I addressed her
again and told her that just because I was too stupid and ignorant to
press charges, to create a legal record, didn't mean that the abuse didn't
happen. after ascertaining that the only dispute was over the girls,
the financial issues were agreed upon, she told me I need to file an
amended parenting plan. I told her that I have been waiting for the court
ordered evaluation for the parenting plan. I at least wanted to sit
down and talk to someone face to face before I amended anything. the
social workers have a lot more training than I do, and I respect
that. she kindly said that that makes perfect sense to her.
stating that this was a stupid question, I asked her about the
schedule of deadlines and court dates for the dissolution, because I had
mistakenly thought that everything was suspended until the family
court ordered parenting plan evaluation was at least initiated. she
said that all of the dates are valid and that it was not a stupid question
at all. T insisted that he knew nothing of a schedule, he had
never received one. I told her that I have the certified receipt of
my mailing the packet to him. he still insisted he had never seen it;
could he get a copy of it from her. she conceded and got
the bailiff to make copies of the schedule and of her orders as to what we
must do before the trial. You conducted yourself
with grace and integrity. Excellent.
so, while waiting for the bailiff to prepare our copies, T again sat down
next to me. he leaned over and asked me to tell the girls that
he thinks about them a lot. I agreed to tell them for him. then
he asked how the girls are, are they doing good. I was thinking
"they
are much better now without you:, but I simply said "yes, they are doing
very well." then he had the gall to tell me in a snide whisper, with
a fist clenched to his heart, "if you hold the anger inside it will
tear you up." I looked him in the eye and told him don't worry
about me. he immediately denied he was worried about me. then
he said that he was glad he saw me. "Cuz you look like
hell," he said. again I look him in the eye, knowing that I
look and feel better than I ever did, and replied sarcastically ,
"that's comforting." he said "yeah..." he was glad he saw me
cuz he had this picture in his mind --- I cut him off and told him he
does not need to talk to me, that I didn't want to hear it. he
nodded and scooted away without saying anything else. Cool. Once again, you did not engage (which is beneath the
level of your integrity), you did not take the invitations he offered to
demean yourself by being mean or cutting to him. Instead, you simply
removed yourself from his toxicity...
the bailiff completed our copies and gave T his. he left right
away. I sat down to read mine so that I understood what the judge
ordered. I then went to the family court services to check on the
status of my evaluation. after taking care of that, I began
walking to my truck. A little perturbed by him, I was telling myself
that I am a real woman, with blemishes and imperfections just like every
other woman. and despite that, I am still attractive. I passed
a couple that appeared to be just friends. their body language
indicated that they were not romantically involved, they were just sitting
and smoking a cigarette together. I passed them and I heard a loud
smooching sound of a kiss being blown at someone. I quickly
glanced around and saw that there was no one else but us three out in this
garden area. I realized that the kiss was intended for me. I
turned around and looked at the couple. the man had a raffish,
unshaved gypsy charm about him. quite handsome in his own way.
the girl started laughing at him. I began walking back towards him,
intending to shake his hand for giving me that compliment when I so needed
it. he got a sheepish look on his face, to the delight of his
friend, he apologized. "I am sorry, that was rude. I
shouldn't have
done that," he said. I told him "no, that it was okay."
when I shook his hand, I told them both that my ex had just tried to take a
stab at me and tell me I looked like hell. we were all laughing and
they both said "no way!" to T's comment. I turned
to walk toward my truck when the man laughingly asked, "so
what about a date, then." I shook my head and we all laughed.
I was smiling to myself the whole drive home. Even
cooler... My take: The Big Guy Upstairs, the Universe, whatever, stepped
in to give you that extra little tap of support!
in his attempt to belittle me, T gave me something very precious.
I now know that I am no longer captive in his sick fantasies. it was
a releasing of my spirit in a subtle, vague sense. You let it happen. Your outlook and open spirit allowed
the Universe to touch you and give to you... Your recognition of and open
acceptance of things good is, I think, a big factor in your excellent
progress. That wonderful quality has been a common thread
throughout all your letters.
Paradoxically, in your youthful inexperience, your open naiveté is what
got you into trouble to begin with: you wholeheartedly accepted your
husband and his ways. But, you are no longer the falling leaf, victim
to the whims of the wind. You direct and orchestrate where you go. In reading your letters back to
back, it is crystal clear how, like a fallen angel, you systematically
took stock of your life. You looked at every aspect and decided you
could no longer compromise your integrity. You took it upon yourself to
acquire the knowledge and skills you needed to carry out your internal
task. Persistent and persevering, in your self-directed strategy, you
have succeeded in turning your life around.
take care, doc. you have my love and best wishes, as always.
Rhoda And you have mine,
always. Dr. Irene
What a sweetheart! And, she
agreed to check in a few times over the next month or so and see if
anybody has a comment question for her. Or, feel free to continue your
usual, spirited discussions... But, please, keep the High
Road in mind...
I want to read the posts.
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