Comments for Rhoda
Material posted
here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a
substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.
Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos
Copyright© 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for
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commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, August 07, 2000
S1
High Road or bust!
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, August 08, 2000
S1
What an inspiring story! I'm going through a tough time right now and trying to control myself and this story has given me a boost. Whatever happens, I am going to do my best to take the high road and conduct myself in a manner appropriate to the cool person that I am! Thanks for the reminder that victims have choices and control over their behavior, too! -SatokoGirl Go for it!
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, August 08, 2000
S1
While Rhoda should be congratulated, and singing her own praises for overcoming such monumental difficulties, after reading her life story, I have alarm bells going off in my head when she says she intends to "open a day care center". What kind of child care professional is she? My God! And her young male "roommate" intends to help? With a track record like hers, it's a recipe for complete disaster. This lady fixed up her house, fixed an RV so she could drive across country, what a hands-on talent! And what a poet! She should be a contractor, or work at a home improvement store, or open a handyman (handy- person?) service. Child care is not her line of experience at all. How do you know?
Look what she had done to her, and what she allowed her daughters to go through! Even now, she must "retrain" them. I'd be more inclined to think her kids still need rehabilitative care, rather than the opposite, and they do not need to be unpaid helpers in mom's boyfriend's latest project. I'm afraid that this is an indication that she still does not really value her children, or any body's children, much. Perhaps she could work in a bookstore, or poetry workshop. Of all her talents and interests, I would not say children are at the top of the list. Why not go with a strength, like carpentry or plumbing, rather than broach a completely new field which is every bit as, if not much more, difficult, important and demanding. Leave it to professionals, and stick with what has already worked. Question: Who do you think professional child care people are? I'd let her take care of my kids. She's a survivor. She "got it" as far as I'm concerned and she continues to "get the rest of it" with each passing day.
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, August 08, 2000
S1
I find that the post demeaning this woman for opening a day care center very unfortunate. A little anger management seems in store for this post. This woman needs a high five, not a low blow. Thank you.
It's very rewarding when you finally can face the abuse without taking it personally. I felt like one of the reasons I let the verbal abuse go on for so long was hope and how easily I forgot the negative.
Recently, I engaged in an ugly scene w/the ex and, boy, did I let him push my buttons. Afterward, I started out thinking "what did I say wrong" but quickly changed to what could I have done to avoid this situation in the future. My answers were:
1. Why did I put myself in a situation, even if it involved the kids, where his cooperation and responsibility would be necessary. Face it, he can't.
2. Why when he said he would call at a specific time to finalize the plans did you put any trust in his words when his words have never been trustworthy.
3. When you became upset and he called and changed the plans last minute regarding visitation did you think you could have a reasonable conversation with this man ending in resolution. You never have.
4. Why did you not hang up the phone.
I made avoiding the situation in the future about me, because I surely can't change him. I hear I's in this woman's response. I moved, I cut him off.
It sounds like you're putting positive people around you. I know for myself it sure helps.
You go!!!!! And you go! Good stuff!
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, August 08, 2000
S1
About the previous posts, I do not feel it is possible to judge whether someone should open a day care center or not on the basis of reading her emails. Actually Rhoda sounds very compassionate. Sure she was affected by her childhood, as we all are, but if you ask me - an empowered victim does not an abuser make! Thanks to Rhoda for being an inspiration. :)
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, August 09, 2000
S1
Rhonda,
How are you?
How did you manage to not let comments bother you? I feel so sensitive to attacks, any ideas how to handle them?
Theressa (Still along way to go)
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, August 09, 2000
S1
I think the condemning and judgmental post was very inappropriate. Sounds like the kind of thing my abuser would say to put doubts in my mind.
Thanks for the inspiration and reach for those dreams!
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, August 09, 2000
S1
My first post was not to denigrate this lady who is overcoming such huge odds. I meant that she should just focus on her strengths, rather than begin some entirely new project. Beginning a entirely new field of work right now may be her way of setting herself up for failure. I'm afraid that the other posters just don't seem to value children very much. A child care worker is not just a babysitter, but that is the message that is profoundly apparent in today's society, because it is traditionally women's work. And, I'm sorry, but after reading her life history, she can sure work on my car or fix my house, but she can't spend hours with my kid. Maybe she can lecture or present her life story in some educational format, but this lady's life experiences have driven home the message that kids' needs, and the victims', are of the least importance in managing the chaos of an abusive life. It took her years to overcome this life experience, and it will take years of maintaining her self esteem before she can be trusted not to slip into an acquiescing mode. Only then can she be trusted to focus on other's children. You are entitled your opinion.
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, August 09, 2000
S1
thanks for all the commendation....
so, now I get to bite the bait regarding the negative e-mail. where do I begin? let first state that I am intensely amused at your state of mind that tells you that you can base such a dogmatic opinion on my writings of recovery. I agree with the post that you sound like an abuser who considers his/her own opinion to be holy. this post is mostly for the benefit of the others that are keeping up with it.
first of all, I have been in recovery, so to speak, for ten months. not years. I mistakenly put the sanctity of the marriage arrangement ahead of the well-being of my girls. no where did I give you enough information to evaluate their condition. my writings were about my recovery. my daughters are beautiful, spirited girls that receive the highest praise from all that know them, teachers, friends, parents of friends, etc.
second of all, where do you have the audacity to suggest that I have not pursued educating myself in child development? that need is so blatantly obvious it didn't even merit mentioning in my updates. you would have to be pretty stupid to not read my determination and drive from my writings. and that would naturally entail that I find and utilize every tool necessary for success in my endeavors.
the very fact that the early childhood so hugely impacts the entire life is an impelling force in my desire to be a child care provider. please see my business website. www.skybusiness.com/butterfly garden for more on my philosophy on child care.
well enough of my time and energy on you!:)
Theresa, honey, all I can tell you to do to take the sting out of the abuser's words is to realize how sick the abuser is. being trapped in the reality that they have made for themselves exiles them to a life of loneliness and unhappiness. you cannot take their sickness personally. in your mind, give them ownership of the sickness. it is not your fault. you do not need to empower them to hurt you.
best wishes, rhoda Rhoda, don't bother defending yourself. Ever.
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, August 09, 2000
S1
Ok, I am going to skirt the childcare issue, because I don't feel this is the point for posting. I see this as a learning experience of how, when someone takes back their personal power and says I deserve better how the progress goes. Rhonda, I commend your spirit and drive. You are working towards the goal and while the hardest paths are not a straight perfect line up the hill, you strength and healing are an inspiration to me.
I have a status hearing with my hopefully SOON to be x on Monday. We have only been married a year and the abuse and manipulations have continued even after I served papers, June 27, restraining order on 7/5 (he came way too close to physical abuse) and the dragging out of this case. It should have been over quickly since our "vast" empire we have created pretty much consists of debt for HIS business. He has been irrational, lied to his attorney about conversations with police (good one huh? saying the police lied), perjured himself on a signed notarized document regarding his income (I know, I do the books for his business). We have no kids, THANK GOD. This man is has been on the internet trolling the porn sites and emailing naked pictures of himself along with connecting with a sorority girl and a swinging in couple. But he plays the I still love my wife, please don't tell me if she is seeing someone, I hope she doesn't hate me story to mutual friends. I can just Gag!!!!
Your letter is an inspiration of how I should handle Mr. Fruitloop at the hearing. You know too, how irrational they can be, and how the will try just about anything to get to you. I will keep that focus on Monday, and even if it bugs me, I will be DAM**D if I will let it show! I know, irregardless of whatever he tries to do, this divorce will happen, and I think about that as I go through the BS to get there. Thanks again Rhonda. K.
Go for it!
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 10, 2000
S1
Hey you know what really bothers me about the person suggesting that Rhoda should not open a day care - I guess my mother used to do that, always wanted me to do what was easiest. No encouragement for what I really WANTED to do. I know she loved me and just wanted me not to have a hard time. I have done some challenging things but always feel nervous and on my own! Funny how parents can't win, try as they might...
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 10, 2000
S1
Dear Rhoda, I loved reading your story. It is so encouraging! It really gave me a boost.
The reply discouraging your day care center sounds like it's coming from an abusive/controlling type. Always critical of your choices. She/he is saying you've made great progress, BUT NO, you still can't get it right. Like who is this person to tell you how to live your life? LOL. Let's not label people Sis. She is entitled her opinion. She gave her reasons; let us respect that they are her reasons; we do not have to agree or disagree.
Best wishes for a successful daycare business! Sis Yeah.
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 10, 2000
S1
Congrats to Rhoda, she has accomplished something that most continue to strive for....the power to be able to see the good in ourselves, to find our inner beauty and to walk away from an abusive person without engaging and what's more without letting it eat at your self. Best of luck with whatever you do. You too cc
cc
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 17, 2000
S1
Rhonda,
I have a question for you. Now that you are out of the abusive situation, how do you deal with the reality of having been abused. I still find it so shocking and hurtful. I am stuck on trying to come to grips with having been with a man who could do such awful things to me, say he loves me and sleep at night.
I am going to start seeing a counselor next week to help me work through this. I was progressing so well, but am stuck now.
Thanks, S
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 17, 2000
S1
Is there a cure for the verbal abuser? Juke Start by looking at the Abuser Pages.
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, August 18, 2000
S1
hello "s":
realizing that I let myself be abused and rendered an emotional void is not easy. I kept saying that I had wasted 17 years of my life. I understand what you are asking. just as my advice to theressa not to take it personally that the abuser is sick, you have to forgive yourself for being sick also. of incredible power to me was the 51st psalm. David wrote this after he had obsessed over bath Sheba to the point of sending her husband to the front battle line to be killed. this was to cover the fact that David got bath Sheba pregnant while her husband was protecting the nation in battle. that behavior was not characteristic of David, and once he realized the magnitude of his offense he was reeling with guilt and depression. particularly relevant for us is the plea in the 10th verse. it reads, "create in me even a pure heart, o god, and put within me a new spirit, a steadfast one."
I was so overwhelmed with accepting that I needed to reprogram everything I ever thought I knew. my entire foundation was rocking, leaving me dizzy and confused. there is absolutely no way that I could create new thinking processes on my own. when I realized that I could pray for a new spirit, it was like the heavens opened to me. I could see beyond my own abilities. and I know that there is nothing impossible for our creator. all I had to do was be willing to let go of the old, anguishing spirit, open up for Jehovah to put within me a purer, steadfast spirit. my definition of spirit is the core of beliefs and feelings that comprise the whole of you, body and all. that is how I made sense of it.
I hope that it makes sense. I can never undo what I let happen to me and my children. but if I don't let it go I will never grow beyond it.
best of wishes.... Wow...
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, August 18, 2000
S1
dear Dr. Irene, I have just finished reading Rhoda's story and I can relate all to well. My name is Susan and I have lived with a man (my Husband- I'll call him M) for 12 yrs. He has been emotionally, verbally, and most recently physically abusive to me. Upon him grabbing my arm and actually throwing me out of our home, I finally came to my senses and called the police, filed a complaint and had him through a protective court order removed from our home. Big sigh of relief from my part. Here's the problem: M has been calling me , sending me messages through our kids (We have 3 kids, ages 11,8, and 2 1/2- he has never abused them physically-although he has verbally abused me in front of them) that he loves me and wants our marriage to work and that he's willing to go to therapy and I should go as well because I'm not perfect either. I replied that no human being is perfect and I agreed to go.
Here's the catch-while we go to therapy he wants to return to our home and live at the other end of our house (we live in a comfortable house but we would constantly see each other). If I don't agree to this, then he will not pay our mortgage as he has been for the past years because he is entitled to live in a decent home as well and he claims he won't have money to find a place of his own then. Obviously he wants me to remove the protective order as well as he says I've taught him his lesson already and it's time to move on in getting our life back as husband and wife. NO GO. He's got to EARN your trust.
Dr. Irene I'm afraid to let him back for fear that I'll succumb to the vicious cycle of emotional, mental, verbal and possibly physical abuse again. The financial constraints he's placing on me are very frightening as well. My gut is telling me that this man will never truly change and that although he's telling me he loves me ( with tears in his eyes) and always will, I feel this is the only way he knows how to love- and that his love is conditional with warnings and constraints. Should I go with my gut or should I give him yet another chance? (I've given him several over the years already) When do I stop giving him chances? Please help. Whether or not you remain in counseling with him is independent of having him move back in - when there is a protective order especially...
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, August 19, 2000
S1
hi juke:
I have pondered over what I could possibly say about a verbal abuser being able to change. after I wrote the last comment to "s", it occurred to me that what worked for me would also work for anyone who is sick. it is just different symptoms, the sicknesses aren't all that different between abusers and victims. that is all I can really recommend. She's right again...
regarding the girl whose ex is threatening to not pay the mortgage. ask yourself this: do you want your children to model themselves after a man that would actually not keep the roof over their heads before he would permit you the space to heal. I really think that you can get the courts to order him to pay the mortgage before it would ever get to an eviction foreclosure situation. I wrote a much more expansive post, but lost it to my great frustration. I will spend more time writing to you if you want me to. take care....rhoda and again...
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, August 20, 2000
S1
Oh Rhoda!!!
What a great post!! What a great life!! Continued good luck!! I am right there behind you on this journey.....
With appreciation and so much respect!! Yeah! She earns our respect because she clearly respects herself.
Pamela
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, August 23, 2000
S1
You did really well. Asserting yourself as a real woman. You now realize that even though you are not perfect (isn't that what makes us all human after all?) you are a person . A woman who is beautiful (as all women are in their own ways) and now fully independent and in control. I hope you carry this current good feeling around for the rest of your life. love Rachel :)
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, November 23, 2000
S1
Hi Rhonda,
How is it going?
Love Theressa
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, March 27, 2003
S1
Hi, I really appreciate and admire Rhoda. I am 25 and grew up in a very unhealthy environment. I looked after my alcoholic mother for most of my teen years while my father - who travelled a lot - denied the problem. I never really believed that my parents' behavior could make me THIS sick. I suffer from social anxiety, depression, panic disorder, etc, etc. I've never been happy. But the strange thing is that I have this incredible inner knowing. I KNOW that the Universe/God has my best interests at heart. I believe that if I face this incredible pain day after day, I will heal from the inside out and create a wonderful life for myself. I hit rock bottom two years ago, and I've been recovering from codependency since then. Most days are unbelievably hard - and I'm not exaggerating! But I refuse to take the easy way out by looking for ways to cover up the pain externally. I will face this pain until it is healed. I will not run from it. And once I'm healed, I will never again do anything I don't want to do. I will live the life I want to live. That in itself will make my childhood pain worth it. Charles cmaclau@mc.net