My Story 3: Controller and Victim Tales

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Date: Thursday, March 29, 2001

S1

Dear Jane, I know how you feel. You were really brave to leave. I know that I only see the good in my husband and that only occurs about 1 day out of 10. You have to remind yourself of all the bad. The look on his face when he screams at you. the terrible things that he says... and most of all how afraid it makes you feel. I am about to leave tonight in order to be safe. My husband is really scary and I am a coward. I love him very much and wish that he would change, but I finally know that he will not. I can't continue. think happy thoughts and remember life if too short for sadness. R

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Date: Friday, March 30, 2001

S1

I don't know what I was thinking when I met her. I think I was broke. I think I was lonely. I hadn't gotten over my ex-boyfriend and when "Jo" came along, she lavished me with compliments, gifts and romance. She came along at a time when I was at my weakest. I had "come out" as bisexual 2 years earlier and hadn't had many "female relationships" and this was new & exciting. She was a self-proclaimed "dyke" and she was experienced. She taught me new things. However, from the start, the red flags popped up. I was too desperate to pay attention.

We were together for 2 1/2 years. I just broke away last October (2000). During that time, she gave me a wedding ring set & declared us "married" (no ceremony, no nothing), she moved me in w/ her & then she moved us into a single wide mobile home which she decided would go in MY name. Her excuse was that her credit had been ruined by an ex-girlfriend. Naively, I believed her. To this day I'm still dealing with HER debt.

From the start, Jo had mood swings. Nothing I ever did was good enough. Her favourite phrase was, "You treat me like a damn dog." She was constantly complaining about how I never cooked for her, how I should have anticipated which work shirt she would need for the day, and about how I never could clean the house. She would throw things, punch the wall & continually threaten to leave me. On one occasion, she shoved an entire set of dishes off of the kitchen counter into the living room (we had kind of a bar between the 2 rooms) and almost onto our dog. She REFUSED to clean it up before the poor puppy stepped in it, therefore, I was forced (for the safety of the defenseless animal) to clean up after her. It was the kind of thing I wouldn't have done but for the innocent dog standing at my feet.

She isolated me from my friends, she was convinced that ANYONE who looked at me wanted to sleep with me, and she controlled every aspect of my life. The money, the bills, the things we (SHE) bought...and then had the audacity to turn around & say that SHE had spent all of this money on me...how DARE I refute anything she said! Truthfully, I was working & bringing home more money than she was.

The final straw came on Sunday, October 22, 2000 when she woke me up at 9:30 a.m. (funny how one remembers specifics at times like these) by SLINGING breakfast at me, stomping out & slamming the door behind her. I immediately got up & asked her what was wrong. She began her old adage about how I treated her like a "damn dog" & that she was leaving me. At this point, I said, "Let me help you pack." I think it shocked her, but she was playing this one to the fullest. She got packed & drove away. I paced. We had 2 puppies by this time. About an hour later, she called from her father's house. She said she was coming to get the puppies. I told her that she wasn't & I hung up on her. I grabbed a few clothes & grabbed the pups & headed to my mother's house.

Almost 5 hours later (after she called my mom's house several times, obviously attempting to locate me), she showed up out front & demanded to see me. I stepped outside & we walked to the street where her car was parked. She continued to slam her hand onto her car & demand I come home. She said she had come to "bring me home where I belonged," not in the house where the traitors (my parents) lived. By this time, I had had time to think. I knew I wasn't ready to leave YET. I got the pups & we drove back to the house, her in her car & the pups & me in mine.

For the next 2 days, I thought. I thought & I planned. I was going to do it. I decided that we should probably try & split the pups. One had always taken to her more & the other had taken to me. I thought it would make things more amiable. When I came home, Jo was making dinner & had some music playing. When I asked her to turn it down, she began to scream & bitch about how whenever she wanted to do something, I always made fun of her. It was then that I told her. She seemed DEVASTATED (don't they always?). Finally, after about an hour of begging, she gathered her things & left. I went to sleep at my parents. By the next morning (when I returned), she was finished.

For 2 weeks (at least) after that, she called my parent's house (where I was staying...I couldn't stay in the other house anymore) constantly. She tried any tactic she could. She made it a point to have her new girlfriend call me & announce who she was to my mother. Regardless, I have not spoken to her since the last day we saw each other. I'm constantly amazed by the similarities I see on this board between that relationship & my story. I never allowed myself to think she could be abusive.

I realise that most people on this board are abused by men, but realise that some women are abusive as well. Anyone can be a victim.

Thanks for listening...Em

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Date: Monday, April 02, 2001

S1

I'll get to the guts of the matter, as it is an all too familiar scenario. I am attempting to end a 3 year relationship with an alcoholic. In the beginning, I felt this person gave me a new lease on life. Now the good is being heavily outweighed by the bad and my emotional well-being is at a breaking point. My attempts at encouraging communication are all but snubbed by (I'll call my qualifier) "Al". The more desperate our relationship becomes, the more he clams up. I know he's hurting, but he would never admit to it or open up his heart to offer solutions on how we can salvage our relationship. (I know at this point, I am beginning to ramble!) I belong to Al-Anon and read many books that keep me focused and secure in the fact that I can only control and change MYSELF. That said, I guess the feedback I am seeking is how do I accept my boyfriend's inability to open up? How do I accept that he is seemingly emotionally detached and indifferent to this relationship? I just want him to feel as helpless as I do and admit to it!!! Overall, I want him to admit that alcohol is ruining his life and seek help. In the meantime, I am doing all the healthy things I know to do. All the while, that is being interrupted by my desire to know that he is hurting as much as I am. I want him to BEG for forgiveness and the chance to make the relationship work (the promise to go to AA) because it is the best thing he has known!!!! Thanks for letting me share. "Jane"

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Date: Monday, April 02, 2001

S1

Hmm, I'm not sure really where to start. So I guess I'll just begin by saying I went over the abusive check list and I was able to check them all. Also being a quick learner and being taught by a master himself, I seem to have picked up some of his tactics which just increases the tension. I could post my own examples but there are plenty here already, some worse, some not.

Anyways, that's brings me to the one thing I cannot seem to find any real suggestions or advice on. I already don't care what my husband does or says. I already plan on leaving as soon as I am financially able to. I have planned this for years. What set me back was almost 4yrs ago after having my tubes tied, finding out I was pregnant. Yes, I'm the text book victim. Up until that point I got thru every day simply by marking off the days. Which was when my then youngest son would attend school full time. At that point I felt without having the huge daycare expenses I had. That I could manage supporting my then 3 children on my income. My husband works sporadically, under the table and would out of spite quit just not to pay me support.

The realization of being within 18 months of finally getting away from him and now having to wait at least another 5years. Put me in bed for six months until I realized that I was severely depressed. This occurred off and on for the past 3years. No, it wasn't just because of him ( although he didn't his best to make it worse), I lost my 3 main support people and aside from kids. They were the three people I loved the most.

So now here is where I am. With a man I have no desire or intention of trying to fix. Just doing my jail time for having chosen and behaved so poorly. What concerns me is that he knows he no longer has any power to make me happy or sad. So he goes after my kids. Which makes me realize that I cannot sit this out as I had hoped. However, after calling and seeking advice on what support is out there for people with kids and a job. I have found nothing. I honestly do not know how people with young kids pick up and just leave. I make too much to qualify for financial programs and not enough to bear the burden of childcare for 3 young children alone. I'm totally in shock over this. I don't need help forever, just temporarily and its not out there. No, I don't have family and not having let myself cultivate or maintain friendships over the years. I just don't have anyone to lean on but myself.

So now Vie pretty much resigned myself to having to be here with this which Vie created. Unfortunately, my youngest being born on Halloween means Vie got 3yrs until he's in school fulltime. My other sons are now 7 and 8. Thankfully, my eldest (yep same dad, no sire is more correct) is in her last year of pre-med school. I cannot allow this situation to affect her ability to go with her own life. Therefore I cannot or will not make this her problem. Sure she helps but I cant let her make her choices based on my bad choices.

I know I cant possibly be the only one confronted with this. I also know there are people who have gone thru this. I can only hope that those of you that have can share how you did this. If you had to stay how did you keep your children from being affected. Certainly I agree ,I cant stop or change how or what my husband does. Yet, children mimic their parents....will mine chose me or chose my husbands???? Then my more immediate concern is the wear and tear on myself. You see my husband does things like not give me messages from the sitter. Shuts off the alarm clock while I'm sleeping...etc.. When I have a scheduling conflict between the sitter and my work and he's supposed to be there. He will leave the house 10 minutes before I have to, then return an hour later making me late for work and putting my job in jeopardy. I know why he does these things. It doesn't help much though in dealing with the daily grind of it. I already know I must leave here but I have nowhere to go.......Basically I live my life as a single parent already. Trying to foresee any possible problem that might come about. Even so I cannot always predict things like school being let out early or one of the kids being sick. Then I have to ask him to help. No, his family wont lift a finger even for the kids. Even though they have seen his rage. They see it as being my problem. They cant admit to anything because they would have to admit to their part in creating him. The stress is already wearing me down. Panic attacks are coming again.....As long as I'm here with him he will always have some control over my well being. I Never let him see that anymore but I'm afraid I will lose my job Vie been at for 22yrs. Should that happen I would be worse off than before. I feel like I'm in a desert on a dying horse .....too far in to turn around and not sure if there is enough horse left to get out.......

China 4/2/01

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 03, 2001

S1

Is there a difference between someone ( a boyfriend) saying, for instance, "your acting like a f&*%^n bitch!" He says there is a difference. It still hurts the same as him saying I am.Am I wrong?

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Date: Wednesday, April 04, 2001

S1

I don't know where to begin, all I know is that even though I've walked away, I'm just starting to recover from the abuse and it's not easy. Over a year ago my boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me, it was upsetting, he always told me he loved me. But I moved on. A month later I went on a cruise to the Caribbean with my sister and friends. I had lost about 50lbs so I was very confident in myself. The second night I met this wonderful prince charming, he literally swept me off my feet. He felt the same way about me. Towards the end of the trip, we spent an evening crying because we were both so in love with one another, we felt we were destined to meet and be together. A week later he packed his bags and took a 17 hour bus ride from Canada to Connecticut. Of course he didn't have a working visa so I was supporting both of us for awhile. In May we decided that we needed to move somewhere that had more job opportunities for him, so we headed to New Jersey. I got a job that paid a lot more and he also found a job paying under the table. However, I had to give up my wonderful dog and cats who made my life complete, I loved those animals with all my heart. I should have know right then in there, when he didn't show any compassion about those animals, that he was heartless besides the fact that he use to hit my dog. I let him, how stupid could I have been. Well like every relationship we had our ups and downs. He asked me to marry him on June 19th, flew a banner overhead at a red sox game, my parents were there to attend it. It was the best day of my life, at least that's what I thought at the time. Then things started to change, I was told what I could drink and eat. I was told I had to make dinner and it should be ready when he got home. When he would leave the butter out it was a test to see if I would put it away. The nights he came home drunk, he was unbearable, all over me like I was some whore he paid by the hour. The nights we went out and he drank, I was so embarrassed. He swore in front of my parents, friends and relatives, and I'm not talking the every day use of the word shit. He used the F*** word constantly. He took me away from my friends, didn't like any of them and I had so many and they didn't like him. They said they could see through him. Boy should I have listened and gotten upset when he grabbed my friend in the chest or he checked out my friend right in front of me. Well, I guess I just ignored it all, I was always wrong, I was always the problem. I couldn't stand up for myself, I always cried, he told me to get strong. He hated questions, he hated when I didn't feel he loved me. He cheated on me. About 3 weeks after our engagement party, I found e-mails to another woman and from another woman. he said he didn't know her, but I wrote to her and she said her and Peter were just friends. Come to find out now, that he told her we were roommates. So I followed my gut after a week of mental abuse when I didn't believe he didn't cheat and I left him. Packed up my life, it was the happiest day for my family and friends. They never liked him, they tolerated him. Its very sad how we can trust in someone so much and be let down. About a month after our breakup, he called me. We started seeing one another again, yes, I was stupid, but my heart still loved him. He convinced me he didn't cheat and I convinced myself. But he turned it around on me telling me after the things I did and the not believing him that he didn't want me back right away, he wanted to date. There we go again, it's my fault. So I felt guilty, I bought him things. I drove 4 hours to see him on the weekends, I treated him like a king and like a fool, I gave myself to him again. But I never fully trusted him, I always questioned everything. We were scheduled to go to Jamaica at the end of Feb and the night before he told me he was seeing someone but he still wanted to go away. At this point, I paid for him to fly to Boston, lent him tons of money and put the money out for him for the trip. Another idiot move on my part. Things just turned upside down, he grabbed me, shoved me, called me a C*** several times. He told me I was nuts, psychotic and was in serious need of help and the sad thing is, I believed him. I was so obsessed, I felt so victimized and used. I felt like a whore. I had almost given up on my life. I wish I could tell him now that I use to listen to his voicemail and read his e-mail cause I didn't trust him. I must have caught him in about 20 lies in 3 months, but I brushed them aside, I ignored them. Now I'm paying for everything. I had bought him a brand new 30K truck that I have to sell and bills that I have to pay. He hurt me so much, I was so good to him. I will never give my heart to anybody again like I did to him. Now I have a restraining order against him and he has one against me. I was going to take him to court for all the money and stuff he owes me, but my heart cant do it. I emotionally can't handle seeing him so I have to let it go. I've joined a support group for abused woman and I'm seeing a therapist. Some days I just wished he had beaten me up, cause the scars would have gone away. The scars I have from the emotional abuse aren't healing very easily. I hope if you read this and you are in a situation like mine, that you will get out. If you would like to contact me, I can be reached at marvolpe@hotmail.com....He drove me into this and drove me to do these obsessive things.....Don't let it happen to you. Someday I'll write a book about it and sign a copy and have it delivered to him,

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, April 05, 2001

S1

I also have a story to tell. I am currently experiencing post traumatic stress disorder< from the actions of this extremely abusive scary mentally ill man. Bi polar man. A verbal, emotional, physiologically abusive man. He was in his words "the only man who would ever love me...a.k.a.-no one would ever have you other than me. He wouldn't take no for an answer when I told him at least 100 times that I was not attracted to him and never would be. So he decided he would PRETEND to be a friend, a manipulative way to gather information for future victimization purposes. I have been lied to, stolen from, vandalized, almost raped, by this wacko, along with verbal abuse, stalking, isolating me from my friends by his bad mouthing me, stalked me into my codependent support group (which I had to leave), which of course by the way, everyone thought he was so nice and helpful. Fully recovered from his supposed sudden onset of codependency in a matter of 4 weeks. Now folks, you tell me, Is that the fastest recovery you've ever heard of from codependency?? But he still sticks around to make sure he can gather as much info on me as possible. I pray everyday, God, deliver me from evil. Oh, and lets not forget, emotional battering, brainwashing, etc. I started feeling like I was bad and he was good. What a surprise?? Ya think. Now he's got new victims in Coda. Vampires always go where there is Blood. What better place to find it then a codependent group. Men who can't let go look for women who can't say no. And those rooms are full of people who can't say no. I hate to say this but I hope he feeds off of someone else and never comes near me again. God be willing. I know what the signs are now and wont ever make these mistakes again. Good luck to you all and God bless

Ginger

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Date: Monday, April 09, 2001

S1

He seemed very charming in the beginning. Smart, easy going, funny. That didn't last long. The first red flag was that he'd known all about me six months before he met me. He'd heard I was a mountain biker, so he bought a bike and learned how to ride. When he decided he knew enough he agreed to meet me. I wasn't sure if that was romantic or desperate. We started out as buddies, just going for rides. One night I invited him out with a bunch of my friends. Two of my guy friends came in and I gave them a hug because I hadn't seen them in a few months. John was furious. He stopped speaking to everyone at the table and went and sat by himself. One of my friends went over to ask him what was wrong and John told him to go away. I went over and after about ten minutes he finally told me that he liked me and was jealous of my guy friends. He wanted something more than friendship. We agreed to give dating a try and when we said goodnight he told me that he would miss me. It just seemed like a bit much when you don't know someone very well. Not obsessive, just needy. Things were really rushed after that. He came on very, very strong. There were things that were bugging me about him, but I didn't know if they were a big deal or not. Like the time his dog ran away and he spent about twenty minutes looking for her and then gave up. No calls to the vet or Humane Society, no notices in the paper, nothing. To him, she was just gone. He told me this six weeks after he lost her, but since I'd never met her I asked what she looked like and then I kept an eye out for dogs that looked like her. It also bothered me that he could talk for thirty minutes straight and then when I said something he yawned violently until I finished. He also stared. Unblinking. It was as if he was trying to bore a hole through my forehead. It didn't matter what we were doing, he would just stare at me. While he was driving he would poke my leg or ribs, just to get me to look at him. I'd say, "What?" and he'd tell me that he just wanted to look at my face. One night we were having what seemed like an innocent conversation and he stopped and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I didn't know what he was talking about, but somehow, someway, we became engaged. I think we were just talking about the kinds of houses we liked and where we wanted to live and suddenly we were engaged. I was fine with it, but I think that's when I started to question what we'd agreed to. Since we talked about getting married the following year, I felt I had plenty of time to get to know him and decided if it was really going to work. He called his entire family the next day and told them. Then the cards and gifts started coming in and with each one I felt like a nail was being driven into my coffin. It was all just too fast. We'd only known each other for two months. I kept telling myself that things would work out. After we decided to get married he seemed to…relax I guess you could call it. First, he let himself go physically. Stopped working out, smoked more than ever, drank, ate crackers and candy bars as meals, drank pots of coffee, wore his grungy clothes. His grammar and table manners deteriorated. He became disgustingly crude. One of his coworkers said something and he thought he just had to share it with me. He said, "The best time to take a woman is first thing in the morning when she's full of hot piss." Gosh…how romantic. I couldn't say anything without it becoming something sexual to him. I sat down one night and asked him all about his job and learned a lot about what he did. He said he didn't really want to know about mine because he wouldn't understand it anyway. He was spending most of his time at my house, yet contributing nothing. I had a job, cleaned the house, paid the bills and bought the groceries. He sat around the house and ate the groceries. Then he started in on me. I was stupid because I didn't do things the way he did them. Anything I could do he could do better. That didn't just go for me, that applied to everyone he knew. No one was as good as he was. At the same time, he seemed incredibly insecure. He said he didn't feel like he was in control and he desperately needed to be in control. Sometimes he seemed like he was losing all sanity. Things that would just irritate most people, set him off for hours on a rant. He yelled, threw things, hit things. He would say mean things and then tell me that I'd lost my sense of humor, or that he didn't mean anything by it and I was too sensitive. Sometimes he'd just babble. The sentences themselves made sense, but the sentences didn't go with each other. And, sometimes he'd say them in a singsong voice. I wondered if he used drugs because of this and because his pupils were constantly dilated, even under bright light. He was also extremely jealous. He was convinced every man was staring at me and wanted me and he would become really angry thinking about it. There was a time we were waiting at a light and he was furious because he was sure two guys in another car were staring at me. He called them all kinds of names and pounded on the steering wheel. Those two guys were probably staring at the freak behind the wheel. He also didn't want me to meet with my instructor for class. One of my classes was online and we'd meet the instructor every few weeks just to check in. John was sure something bad would happen. Then I found out I was pregnant. Well, that just seemed like an incentive to "seal the deal" and we were married two weeks later. He got drunk that night and was incredibly mean. It was a typical pattern. He'd get drunk, be rude and then want to have sex. He couldn't understand why this wasn't a turn on. Every now and then he'd say he didn't like the way he was and that he was embarrassed by his actions. He told me he wanted help. It was at those times that I thought things might actually work out. If he got help then everything would be okay. Admitting it is the first step, right? We tried couple's therapy and after two sessions with him my therapist told me that she felt that she knew him and he couldn't possibly have done the things that I said. She actually said she didn't believe me. She said that I was the one who was going to have to learn to adjust to him. Of course he was being his charming self to her and I wish I'd videotaped everything just to prove I wasn't imagining his bizarre behavior. That was the end of therapy. I felt in my heart that relationships aren't supposed to be like this. At best, his behavior was disturbing. At worst, it was frightening. I thought that if he ever did hit me that it was over. Then I thought, why does it have to go that far for it to be too bad to stay? I told him that he had a choice to make. Get help and I'd support him 100%. Otherwise, I couldn't live with him like this anymore. We're getting a divorce. I realized that since we're going to have a child together that this man will be in my life forever and I was going to have to learn to deal with it. I found this website and am currently reading The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse. I wept with relief when I started reading the book and realized I wasn't going crazy and that there are people out there just like me and that there are therapists who understand this stuff. I hope and pray he'll get help before our baby is born, but if not, I'll just keep an eye on the situation to make sure none of this is transferred to our child.

Amy

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Date: Wednesday, April 11, 2001

S1

I am a 25 year old married mother of 3. My husband has a really unusual way of thinking, i.e.; if I take a little longer at the store (who have I been screwing) or ask him for help taking out the garbage (I don't have to till I want to) It's really getting to the point where I just don't know what to do. In the past he has physically hurt me. One time when I was pregnant, he got drunk and we got into an argument. We were sitting on the bed and he pushed me off sending me flying backwards. As I feel backwards, my foot caught his shoulder. He called the police, told them I assaulted him, and I went to jail. He is a kung fu expert and it hurts pretty bad if he hits. He has given me black eyes, thrown me into a wall splitting my shoulder, punched me in the stomach, and calls me horrible names. I have never called the police on him because of the time they put me in jail for being erratic. I just had gotten thrown to the ground and kicked but I accidentally hit his shoulder as I fell, and because I was crying and emotional it made me look bad. He hasn't hurt me physically in 1 1/2 years and says I need to forget about it. I can't though cause if we argue he intimidates me by getting in my face and telling me he wants to "beat me down" or "kill me" He spent 6 months in jail for assault for beating a guy up really bad before I met him. I didn't find out till a few months too late in the relationship. He makes me feel like I am crazy, and makes me doubt myself. He would say I deserved what I got and he would have never done that if I wouldn't have said "that" or yelled "that" He makes me feel like it's my fault. I know I should leave, but he threatens me with "I have a Johnny Cochran attorney, and my family are millionaires, what do you have?" He says he'll take my baby, and he never takes care of her now. He doesn't feed or bathe her, dress her, or buy her clothes. He pays the children little attention and is always yelling at them to be quiet. He spends all his time playing video games. Like 12 hours a day, doesn't rarely go to work, sleeps all day, doesn't help with children, or housework. As I write this I really wonder why the hell have I stayed so long??? If someone has ever been in my position or have any advise I could really use it. My E mail is theprincesssl@hotmail.com Thank You, Jaded

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Date: Thursday, April 12, 2001

S1

We started dating as any "normal" couple, except I make more money than my husband, and very early on he asked me to pay for things (in a way that suggested I wouldn't have unless he asked). I keep animals, to which he is allergic, and he said I should promise when they die "not to replace them". It became a difficult issue as I said I couldn't "get rid of them". He agreed to go for allergy shots, but said he was "keeping score of what he was doing for me for later" in a joking way. Little did I realize.... We would go on trips and he really suffers from road rage - I should have dropped him then, but love is blind.... We went on one trip together (one he really wanted). Turned out all men except me. I really "clicked" with one of the trip leaders (married) who was just an outgoing fun individual and we talked a lot. My fiancée was hurt and sulked, and accused me of not wanting sex with him (in a tent in a campsite full of men ??) We fought. I gave him the ring back. Cried a bucket. We made up. We married (in a location he chose). We split the costs equally although I organized everything "its the woman's job". I always used to ask why he divided tasks up by gender. Seemed we should do it by liking or capability or take turns.

Well, to make a long story short, I am not terribly "domestic". I am a senior executive and work long hours. His ex had always cooked - he expected it from me. I suggested we take turns, or help each other. He never said anything but was clearly unhappy. I do have difficulty in addressing emotional behaviour - I thought it was his responsibility to tell me he was unhappy, not mine to drag it out. Then he would say I didn't love him - people who love each other "do things for each other". He wanted me to "show more love". I thought I was being affectionate - I didn't get it - I would put my arms around him in bed, only to have him turn away. I took a trip away (which I had planned a year before). He tried to make me feel bad about leaving him. He succeeded. He didn't want to do the trip with me - I had to call him every few days at great expense (but I could afford it, remember?) When I got back he told me he had a couple of his own trips planned by himself. I had recently lost my job and got a big severance. He wanted me to stay home and live off the money and not go back to work. I found a job I liked about 50 miles away - I commuted for 2 hours each way to work by train. We tried to discuss moving closer to my work but every solution was no good (too far for him, too expensive, not good timing due to child support from his ex, not good because his job wasn't working out well and he was looking too) I was exhausted all the time and we were alternately fighting, silent, then talking and yelling and ending up in bed. Both stressed out. Both angry and frustrated. Every time I tried to put my feelings across he would just say how much more angry he was. He drank quite a bit at this time, and brought marijuana home from one of his trips "even though he knew I wouldn't like it". He said his friends thought there was nothing wrong with him just that he "smolders inside". He even said the cat liked him more than me. We talked about counseling at his suggestion, but I got mad when he said "its the woman's job to set it up". It seemed like lack of ownership. So I found a "pad" close to my new work, intending to stay there in the week and see him at his place on the weekend. It felt so good on my own again, I just decided it was better that way. We got on great for while. Now he wants to move out of state but wants the ring back "because he's still paying for it". I said it was his problem not mine. He threatened me with a report to the INS (I don't have my Green Card ) if I didn't give the ring back. Then said he wanted to bring some of my things to my place when a friend of his was in town. Frankly I think he just wanted support to bully me into giving the ring back.

Just some other examples :- 1. We would agree on things - then he would seem to change his mind and berate me after the fact for doing what we agreed. 2. When I moved in with him he didn't want to help - said he hated moving and traffic to drive to my place. One time he came to help but with really bad grace ( and a bottle of beer in the car). He tossed my things around with no respect. I had to ask him to please be careful. He was pretty sulky. 3. His place was far from the city, as well as my old friends and clubs. We just had each other. We should have worked harder on outside interests. 4. He didn't budget and managing bills always got confrontational. 5. He would accuse me of things I can only imagine his ex-wife or mother used to do which I never did (guilty till proven innocent) I would try and say it wasn't true and he'd get angry. 6. He would complain all the time about having no disposable income, yet was always ordering things from sports stores on the web for himself. Yet I was berated for not doing things for him (I suppose he meant financially). Also he said "a wife would be at home to sign UPS packages". 7. I tried to set up tasks we could do together - like doing the shopping. If I was paying, he'd buy all kinds of stuff on sale and load up the cart with unnecessary items. Or when we checked out, throw something in like candy he had been "hiding". (he is 48yrs old) 8. He would make a point in public of asking me to pay for his beer. 9. One time I shook him awake to go somewhere - he literally sulked for a whole day because I woke him. 10. I tickled his feet affectionately as a joke - he got mad.

I can't say by any means that I am perfect, but we were unable to communicate without blaming each other, or getting defensive, and I found myself starting to respond in just the same way as he might. We couldn't set personal boundaries. I feel much better alone - its a relief. Thanks for listening. I'm sure this is all a jumble. I never viewed this all as abuse - just as living with an insecure, shy man who was troubled, and had abused drugs, who had a hard time being successful in his life, but was unable to take ownership. I realized later I was being changed by him to a self I didn't like. I'm working on getting it fixed.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, April 14, 2001

S1

Have been reading this site for some time now. Actually found it when I was helping a dear friend to realize that she was being verbally and emotionally abused by her boyfriend. I had noticed the cycles, the patterns and her rationalization of the things he said and did. HOW? Because I have been there - twice. I have just ended a long term relationship with a person I thought was perfect for me. This person gave me much needed physical touching i.e., hand-holding, hugging, playing with my hair, kissing me, sitting next to me, touching my leg as we sat, putting his arm around me..the physical affection was severely lacking in my 25 years marriage from the first day. This person also was always available for me and "appeared" like my soul mate that first year. Notice I said, "appeared". Now that I am out of the relationship which was very difficult to leave and finally end it because of my insecurities and fear that he re-established in my being - I can see quite clearly the verbal abusive pattern, the covert abuse and the narcissistic tendency. And I did EXACTLY what I had done in my marriage with this second person. (I don't have any dating experience as I was only with my husband before this person appeared on the scene). I tried to please him when he was upset, I tried talking to him to rationalize and ask why he did the things he did - and his answers were always "the way I see it or this is how I see it and you won't change me", I took care of him (ahhh duhhh co-dependency showing up again), I tried to make him smile (he only smiled when he told a joke or was flirting), I tried to tell him how hurt I was my some of things he did or said (he brushed EVERYTHING off with the "I was only kidding" routine - THIS IS SUCH A BIG RED FLAG). I as stunned to hear how "I don't spend any time with him" Yet we were together almost everyday - only to learn later that he met time with him alone (having sex time) which there was plenty of - but to him - never enough and I was never available when he wanted to have sex (which was such a lie - another red warning flag), he would tell me he's "working" only for me to find receipts in the car of other places he went instead of work (red flag) - He was more than willing and able to help my family and friends out when asked - but would complain to me that he "doesn't have a life" as I put off us getting married (gee...for good reasons I think), He yelled and screamed at me when his car got towed away for fake tags and that I didn't answer his 9-1-1 page quick enough; yelled and screamed at me for answering my pages (I'm on-call 24/7 and get paid to be on call so I must answer my pages); yelled and screamed at me for using my cell phone "attach it to your ear" he would say; yelled and screamed at me for dancing with a person I've know for 10 years - one dance - and LEFT the place we were at - walking to his house - then called me and demanded that I give him a ride home; yelled and screamed at me for not calling him quick enough on several occasions; checked up on me at work (I had warned people that he may do this and got my hands on "stalking laws"), would follow me to the movies and take pictures of my car in the parking lot, would page me (I knew it was him by the pattern - remember there is ALWAYS a pattern) yelling me to $#!$#; Told me in front of friends to "F__K You" which I find absolutely disrespectful to me as well as him; Makes sarcastic remarks when tired; left me in a campground when he got angry at friends and took off for 1/2 day to go get calmed down but unbeknownst to any of us - took off in the boat so none of us could fish; told my son to "shut the F__K up" which surprised everyone as he never spoke to my son that way; although he made me feel bad about not inviting him to go with me to do things with myself or family and would use the guilt by association tactic; he never ever thought about inviting me to go with him if one of his friends bailed out. He would suddenly be going to the movies with his sisters when they would suddenly show up at the door and he knew I had plans to do other things and would ask at the last minute if I wanted to go. He would write out long letters to me regarding his accusations and then call my voice mail or message machine and read what he wrote. He assumed I was sleeping with everyone and anyone and that anytime I didn't spend with him needed to be accounted for and he would befriend my closest family members and friends and starting questioning through e-mail (ain't the computers grand folks) where I've been or who I've been with. He would "listen" to the conversation and assume his own version of what happened. I was in a constant state of defending myself and feeling 1/2 crazy most of the time. I noticed that he never called his 7 year old nephew by name just "little asshole" and I told him to stop - that children become what they are called - and he let me know that this is exactly what this kid is to him ---ok -- so he said this minutes before the nephews first communion at church. I noticed that I was getting more and more "accountable" for everything that went wrong or didn't happen...yet when he overslept, didn't feel well, was late, caught following me, caught doing other things that I was to "see it his way as he KNOWS what every guy wants". And yet audience, I kept forgiving and trying to forget because he was sooo affectionate and caring but there are too many red flags in the course of this relationship. Not many things came out at one time...it took time...and after we became an exclusive couple...that's when I started noticing he would do and say things that didn't make sense...that I would approach him on ,,,only to find out that he had talked to our friends and tried to present me as the one full of insecurity, etc etc etc. I am thankful that I never allowed this man to move in with me, that I hung on to My God and Savior (which he wanted me to give up going to church, would argue religion with me, say he didn't believe in prayer etc ) and I realized that I won't change what I will tolerate. How did the break-up go? well,,,,there were multiple periods where we didn't talk to each other (there was never any physical violence ever) just mental and verbal. And he was very very good at leaving e-mails that would wound the soul and heart of a person as he truly knew which buttons to push. His lack of talking to me was my "punishment" and that I "would come running back". After awhile I was thankful when he wouldn't talk to me and noticed that the pressure in my chest would go away as well. I realized that I had the right to NOT ALLOW HIM to cross MY BOUNDARIES OF ACCEPTANCE AND TOLERANCE. Bigger than anything though...I realized that I was repeating the very pattern that I had broken out of in my 25 year marriage. This character had the exact same personality as my husband with a slight twist - this character was very covert in his abuse while my husband used passive-negative aggression and the "my-way or the highway" routine. I finally had it after yet another phone call - late at night - telling me what he thought of my children. I have lived that life with my husband and realized that I was repeating what I had experienced growing up with my parents and I wanted better for my kids. Believe me, the kids were relieved and feel much better about themselves and are stress-free. The red-flags were easy to recognize - however, stopping the behavior that I had broken free of wasn't. AND I SOOOO WANTED IT TO WORK - I WANTED THAT WONDERFUL PERSON WHO CARED FOR ME. Now that I'm into my second month without that "person" I find that I miss him, rather I miss the familiar routine, I call my closest friend who has also been there and done that...and we laugh and cry together. There was a time when I thought I would never laugh again...but God is good....and once I learned that the fear of leaving is worse than the actual leaving....and once I let go of the "stress" in my life....my job has gotten better...my focus is better...my relationships with people I care about is better...my kids ARE DEFINITELY BETTER...and I read this site and can recognize so many of the fears and questions and doubts that people have put forth and thank God for the support these people have shown to others in that "if you trust your gut instinct" you will know what to do. There's a saying that I've picked up on and I say it over and over - especially when moving through circumstance that I don't deserve, didn't ask for, didn't cause and refuse to play the blame-game...that is......reach for that better life....quitting is NOT an option....IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO QUIT. I look at this letter and know that I would never have written or sought help even as early as five years ago. I'm amazed at the person I've become by getting out and letting go of the person(s) lol I thought I couldn't live without and who had convinced of that very thing.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, April 14, 2001

S1

My sister is married to a sociopath. Before I get into the story you have to know that my sister has always been a perfect angel. She's 3 years older than me. In high school she was on the honor role always, she attended church every Sunday and loved it, she was heavily involved with school, her job and other activities in college. She was skinny, tan. athletic, and loved art, and dancing, and was very active. After she got with the sociopath, she gained 100lbs in less than a year, she lost all interest for the things she used to love, she started lying to defend him, she quit her job, and dropped out of school and church. So here goes the story. When they were dating, he stole her credit cards and maxed them out, got arrested in Nevada for driving on a DUI, she paid his bail, then he lied about his age because he was 18 and she was 22, then he said he was a professional baseball player for the CA Angels, then he told our family about the wealthy family he has and all the wonderful things he was going to do for my sister and our family,( which was a lie), then he stole lots of things from our family, medications and money, he showed us his bank account receipts for $60,000 and yet he doesn't work, I found a court notice in his car for shop lifting charges, he denied it, finally we knocked some sense into my sister and we had to get the police involved in order to break them up. I went away for the summer and when I came back, he had gotten her pregnant and they eloped. But of course they lied about it forever until they had to tell us. In the meantime my husband stayed with them for a few weeks until he could move into another place( before we were married) and then he wrote a check for rent to my sister's husband, He wrote over the amount for $20 and then tried to cash it and our bank wouldn't do it because they could tell. So they called my husband and told him about it. My husband confronted our brother in law and he denied it and made my sister hate us. My sister then found a porno in her apartment so I called Blockbuster and they said her husband had rented it late one night. Well my sister didn't want to believe it and when I confronted her husband he denied it and said I made it up. Well now they've had the baby and neither of them work but he still buys tons of stuff, and lives like he's very rich. He's never worked so we wonder where his money comes from. He lies about working and says he has a job for omni serve wireless and they pay him to travel all over the country to set up stores. Our friend used to work for them and he knows the owners and called them up and they've never heard of my brother in law before. Every week he has a different car and they're usually brand new mustangs, then suddenly they diaper and we ask him about it and he says he traded it in for another one. We don't know if he's stealing cars or gets a new one every week because he can't afford the one before or if it's just an ego thing. He's constantly out to get everyone in our family upset. Last week my dad gave my sister a card with $25 in it for her birthday and he stole the money before she could open the card. We have all the evidence to back it up. He denies it and says that my dad I a jerk for not giving her any money for her birthday and that our family is trying to set him up to make her hate him. We have better things to do. He always brain washes her tries to turn her against the family so she will hate us and only trust him. All he does is lie to her, He uses her good credit to buy him all of his toys, and uses her name on all of his loans, and he even has an alias name he uses. We finally called the police again to investigate because something is wrong. But we want to keep in touch wither and my mom would love to be a grandma to the baby but he tries to keep our family away as much as possible by moving, getting a new phone number or lying. We are all fed up and running out of hope. We don't know how to deal with this. we've tried our best. My mom is ready to go to her grave, and everyone just wants to kill her husband. Is there any hope.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, April 14, 2001

S1

I forgot to add some essential things to my story above. My sister's husband has other compulsive disorders. He's over weight, and has to change his outfit 3-5 times a day. He's also a neat freak. He is known for being wishy washy because he always changes his mind every second. He lies over the littlest things. He is really picky about everything even his food. Every thing has to be a certain way. When he talks to you he never gives any eye contact, and when he's in a large group of people he says nothing at all. They constantly eat out, at least 3 times a day. He's always worried about his appearance and ego, and my sister warned me that he is in competition with my husband over every little thing. My husband doesn't even care, but her husband thinks he does. Everything is a competition to him. My sister seems to live in her own little world. The scary thing is, if he gets caught for anything illegal he could be doing, she will go to jail too, because she never tells anyone. His stories always change and if you make plans with them, he'll call you up 5 times within an hour before you are supposed to go out, and with each phone call he'll change his mind about something. He also has a criminal record, big time and he is only 19.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 02, 2001

S1

Vie been with John for 5 years. I thought he was a great guy and that there was hope. He has always lived at home. He is not 'allowed' to have guests at his home. He is 41. He visits me twice a week, stays over one night and has to leave to take his mother for a coffee. Ever since his father died unexpectedly he does everything for her and she doesn't drive. He will not socialize with me, celebrate holidays, give gifts, have a desire to know my wonderful son, talk about the future, travel, or tell me he loves me. We cannot go out to dinner on the two nights he comes over, and lunch on Sun has to be at one of 3 designated pizza places and I have to pay for my wine. He gives me bizarre controlling suggestions on how to do things I have been successfully doing for 40 years. He decides what the cat will eat. When I make demands, he says." If you're not happy then maybe I shouldn't come over'. I made demands a month ago and he dumped me. Said he never loved me and 'didn't have it anymore for me'. After acting like a pathetic idiot, he decided to come over again. He totally FORGOT he ever said those things. He acts like it NEVER HAPPENED. I was so depressed, that I gained 10 pounds and was wearing rags. I didn't even want to drive to the store. For my own abandonment issues I like the companionship but my goal to now dump him. I truly hope with the help of this site, Evans book, and my therapists and friends, that I can, and have a nice summer.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 04, 2001

S1

I was involved in an emotionally unstable relationship about a year ago and just recently allowed myself to fall for the same guy. What a mistake. He's always perfect for the first two months and then he starts to manipulate and go after his wants at the sake of mine.

Last time I waited for him to come around. I cared more about how he perceived me than how I perceived myself. I lost all sense of self and took on his opinions and values. I let him make me feel like I was unlovable and that all men were evil, just to keep me tied to him. I did anything possible in the name of love, until he spit in my face. All because I had voiced the forbidden truth.

He is wonderful to strangers, behind closed doors he is a different person. He knew my weaknesses and targeted them, to make me feel guilty and confused. I began to question myself. He made me feel like my own feelings weren't okay to have. That is the absolute worse feeling in the world. I actually believed that it wasn't okay to be me.

He would tell others how wonderful I was, praise me in my absence. He would never let me feel like I had admirable qualities. He used me sexually to fulfill his own selfish wants, and degraded me in the process. He never cared about what I wanted sexually. He made me feel like a whore. I just longed to feel close to him.

After we parted, I felt angry lost and confused. I felt like I had been stupid and naive, and like I needed to protect myself. That all men were like him. I wouldn't express my feelings to men and this kept them all at a distance. I then began to heal. I began to feel okay to be me again. It was a wonderful feeling to feel like for once I had nothing to prove to anyone. My self confidence was building. I began dating again and finished my education. I moved and started my masters program. I felt really alive.

But...I was still lonely. He could really get inside me like no other. We ran into each other and he was set on a mission to win me back, to prove his love for me. I was protecting myself, this time I wouldn't be had. Part of me didn't believe him, yet part of me was curious. I dropped the nice guy I was dating two weeks later, and was loving the attention and all his adoration. Wow, he had finally seen the light. He really does love me. He was going back to counseling. I felt really special. Not for long. Pretty soon, he pulled back intimately and began demanding. He told me that I should be more understanding of his problems. My walls went up and I started to be careful. He told me the relationship was going sour because I had issues, I was ruining it. I had problems...I began to question myself again. I know that I don't, I know that he is manipulating to make himself look good, I know that I'm not an abuser. But now I need to make myself believe what I know to be true. I tell myself I will never question my instincts again. The only person you can rely on is yourself.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, May 07, 2001

S1

To Stephen Heidt and everyone that needs a pick me up, This story is not about me but more about a guy that I know who I admire every day. Stephen Heidt was a guy that I went to school with in high school. Every girl wanted to be with him and all the guys wanted to be like him. He was a kind a compassionate guy. Stephen was the captain of the soccer team and one of the best players in the state if not the country. In his junior year one of his close friends killed himself and Stephen became very depressed. He started hanging around all these new people that used drugs. He was still popular however a little but after that he hurt his back pretty badly and was not able to play soccer anymore. His girlfriend left him, everyone stopped talking to him, and he was admitted into a program. He lost everything that he thought that he loved. Stephen was playing pro soccer and colleges were looking at him for scholarships. When we all graduated we never saw him again. This month I saw him in a mall. I never said anything (I was too shy to just run up and my friends said that it might not be him) but he was happy and had a very pretty women by his side. I looked him up on a high school web page and it turns out that he is married and works as an educational consultant for a large company. Stephen showed a lot of us that dreams don't always work out the way you plan and that no matter what happens you should keep your head up high. I don't know if anyone has ever told him how special he is, but this is my way of doing that. I hope that he knows one day that he changed all of our live that watch him here in the Queen City. If anyone else knows Stephen Heidt and had the experience that me and all my friends had please post your story on a web page. Stephen needs to knows that Bacon High loves him.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, May 07, 2001

S1

To Stephen Heidt and everyone that needs a pick me up, This story is not about me but more about a guy that I know who I admire every day. Stephen Heidt was a guy that I went to school with in high school. Every girl wanted to be with him and all the guys wanted to be like him. He was a kind a compassionate guy. Stephen was the captain of the soccer team and one of the best players in the state if not the country. In his junior year one of his close friends killed himself and Stephen became very depressed. He started hanging around all these new people that used drugs. He was still popular however a little but after that he hurt his back pretty badly and was not able to play soccer anymore. His girlfriend left him, everyone stopped talking to him, and he was admitted into a program. He lost everything that he thought that he loved. Stephen was playing pro soccer and colleges were looking at him for scholarships. When we all graduated we never saw him again. This month I saw him in a mall. I never said anything (I was too shy to just run up and my friends said that it might not be him) but he was happy and had a very pretty women by his side. I looked him up on a high school web page and it turns out that he is married and works as an educational consultant for a large company. Stephen showed a lot of us that dreams don't always work out the way you plan and that no matter what happens you should keep your head up high. I don't know if anyone has ever told him how special he is, but this is my way of doing that. I hope that he knows one day that he changed all of our live that watch him here in the Queen City. If anyone else knows Stephen Heidt and had the experience that me and all my friends had please post your story on a web page. Stephen needs to knows that Bacon High loves him. Sometimes verbal abuse is silent.

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, May 10, 2001

S1

I’ve been considering writing my story but have been unsure where to start. I met my husband when I was home on college break in 1987. He was everything I had hoped for. He was a committed Christian, good looking, older than me, independent and even wore cowboy boots. I was home for two weeks on break. We spent quite a bit of time together. When I went back to college, the long distance relationship began. There were "red flags" all over the place at the time, but I didn’t know it …or chose to ignore them. Anyway, we would talk for hours on the phone. If he called me and I was not home he would ask "20 questions" about where had I been, who was I with, etc. I thought he was showing me how much he cared. I now know that it was plain and simple control. We met in December, were engaged in March, and married in August.

Here I am now, twelve years and three children later still married. I am the perpetual optimist. The control began in such subtle ways. Now I look back and I shake my head because the signs were so obvious. I even had gut feelings a few weeks before the wedding that I should call things off. After we were married about a week or two my mom came over with my wedding dress (she had it cleaned and boxed) and in tears said "what have we let you do?" I played ignorant and said I was fine. In the first two years of our marriage I had plates thrown at me, was literally kicked out of bed on more than one occasion, had the spark plugs removed from my car so I couldn’t leave the apartment, and more "lectures" than I can count. I thought I don’t have bruises or broken bones, so what am I complaining about.

After almost two years, I left my husband and insisted he get counseling. He agreed to the counseling. We went to a weekend long session in Indiana. On the way there he slammed my head into the car window and chewed me out almost the entire trip. We got there and went through a very intense time with three other couples. It seemed we were on out way to recovery. However, soon after we arrived home it was all my problem and my family needed family therapy.

Skipping ahead a few years. We now have three children. I suppose in my optimism, I thought children would be the solution to our unhappiness. I know I thought at least they will love me. (How warped). Anyway, about a year ago my husband started belittling our 9 year old daughter. He would make her feel bad if she didn’t want to run errands with her. He continued to demean me in front of the kids. He would say things like, "don’t do stupid things like your mother". I went to the elders of our Church after reading two books (Women who try to hard-Dr. Kevin Lehman and another book by Paul Hegstrom Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them.) as a result, my husband and I met with the elders. They had some real good questions for us and I gave real honest answers. The honest answers really heated up the homestead for a while. I told my husband last April that if he ever touched me in anger again I would leave. Well, he got very angry with me the first part of May and grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me up against the counter. When he left the house very angry, I decided to follow through. He called home from work and told me to leave and I said I was planning on it. Previously when he would say leave, I would say "No, I am committed to this relationship". He freaked out on me and said he was going to come take the kids from me and I would forever regret doing this and so on and so on. I spent the day at a friends house that he would not expect. I moved in with my parents house. A few days later I went back to the house to get things with two other men from Church who were friends of my husbands. They were support for me. I am very grateful for the support of my Church. We continued to meet with the elders and then one of them would meet with my husband one on one. It was a long summer full of angry phone calls, unexpected visits, and many "lectures" about how I was ruining our children and wasn’t committed to the relationship. By the end of summer, I was seeing changes. We got back together the middle of August. We continued to meet for counseling with a lay pastor from our Church. Slowly the behavior has begun to return. We were meeting weekly with another couple from Church for accountability until they told my husband they felt we needed professional counseling. The couple and I both noticed that we (my husband and I) could not go more than two weeks without an "issue". I also started sharing with this couple some of the restrictions and expectations placed upon me. For example, I am expected to not spend more than $40 a week on groceries. I am hardly ever able to do this, so I "get in trouble" about money. I am also expected to keep the house incredibly clean, work in the yard, and have the children clean, fed, and behaving.

Now we have not met with anyone for two weeks. My husband said we can’t afford counseling. Even though he has gotten $2,000 bonuses for the last three months. He said I could go to counseling if I paid for it. I am back to feeling lost and alone. He is no longer directly involving our children, but the heat is on me. And I know the kids see this. I am not sure what I am going to do now. I am just trying to finish the school year. I am a teacher. I am living for the summer when I can take care of myself and spend time with my kids. Another factor that has come into play is that my best friend/confidant has moved to another country. I now feel isolated. I don’t know who to talk to.

I have read your site almost cover to cover. I see so many similarities in the information on narcissism in my husband it is frightening. Everything is about him. If the kids don’t get their hair brushed, they reflect bad on him. If I have gained weight, or don’t put on makeup, it is a bad reflection on him. If I don’t communicate accurately with other people, I cast a bad light on him. How long does recovery take? I suppose I should just take care of me and the children and let him do his thing and take his time. However, I am quite scared. I have left two other times and this is getting old, yet I don’t want to give up hope.

Sincerely,

Getting discouraged

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 11, 2001

S1

hello, well this is first time I am posting, have read the other stories, and also the intro to the site and the things I was experiencing with my husband was ringing true in the articles and the way he had a way of confusing me and making me repeat things over and over again, and the constant games. At first I was sad to feel it was not really an overwhelming sense of "love" he was feeling for me just "a matter of control". One time when we first got together he moved in with me but he never asked me could he he only said "I don't want to have to move back in with my mother", next thing I knew he was in. I felt a slight discomfort but I didn't make an issue we had been together less than three weeks. Him and his 2 year old son moved in. My son was almost 3 at the time. Just one big happy family. I later moved and he helped me move my stuff and again made no attempt to find a place of his own, and I didn't at the time press the issue, I liked him there. The first time I saw "It" was when he had to meet his ex-wife over the child custody, and he insisted that I go with him I said "WHOA" "I am in no way gonna sit there and have you two over me bantering"!!! Anyway the next thing he did was fume and fuss and argue the point I should want to be there for support!!! I told him flat out I don't want to be there and that this was totally unfair! He goes fine forget it!! Got up, and grabbed a bag, and started out the door, this was within a week of him moving into my new apartment, well I ran out after him, telling him "OK, OK, I'll go"!! of cores when I got there they both argued back and forth I was astonished, and then he sat at my table while she stood over me, pregnant. Finally we left and I asked him why did I have to be there for that??? He says " I just wanted to show her I could get someone else and look at what I got!! I didn't feel flattered but kinda used, without any kind of pride, I was exhausted and tired, totally unexercised, used. I will go back to the Controlling Behaviors at the beginning of the site, was what knocked me out, he says and does so many of those things, I was left feeling used, angry, hurt, confused, and full of hate. Especially the one on the list that said this is the most oppressing and most nerve writhing for me is when he says" That's not what you said or That's not what I said or That's not I said or That's not what you did or That's not what I did or That's not what happened". The conversations are exhausting I just feel tired after talking with him. I have to say that finally through all the reading of this site already like 2 days in a row it is becoming more clear, and it's not all about him, my expression of anger has got to be controlled, I realize now I just come off looking like some maniac, and it will spill over onto the kids. Yes he does the belittling, offensive jokes, and then saying" you're so serious I was just joking", but now I can see that this was his attempts to me to engage him, not anything nice maybe nice gets boring He takes it right to the edge and picks a fight, so we can scream, yell, and battle each other. I'm not in anyway strong right now. No matter from this point on at least I know I have to take responsibility for my own actions and be the very best me I can be. Crystal

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 12, 2001

S1

Hi, My name is Carmen. I am a victim, and an abuser, I think? I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. We have a "blended family". He comes from an abusive marriage. I am a widow who grew up with violent alcoholics. My boyfriend seems to think I am manipulative. Sometimes I think I am. But it gets very confusing. He gets annoyed with me and begins to belittle me. I in turn get ten times more hurtful with my words. I don't know how not to do that. I am currently on meds. Paxil, which helped for a little while. It is usually once a month (if you know what I mean). I thought it was PMDD. But the meds for that contain Prozac, which causes me to have severe rages. I have been to counseling, and they have told me not to stay with my boyfriend. Because of his verbal abuse. We in turn went to his counselor who gave him the same advice regarding me. We both realize our shortcomings, we just don't know how to change. We have been through allot together. We don't want to throw it away because we don't cope well with adversity. But our verbal abuse is getting out of hand. I am tired of being told that "He can find better than me", and all I do is sit around and eat chocolate all day. Between the two of us we have 4 children, we both have full time jobs. It has been very stressful. There is allot more to this story, but it would take days to tell you all of it. I think (hope) that we still have love there. We are trying our hardest to break this verbal cycle. But it sometimes gets sooo frustrating, we both want to give up!! He has nowhere to go if he leaves. I really don't want him to leave, but our kids don't need this kind of exposure. I know first hand what it can do to a child emotionally, and it is a very sickening feeling. I also do not want them to grow up thinking it is OK to be this way. If anyone out there has any input, HELP!! I am game for positive or negative feedback. I do not wish to be verbally abusive, or manipulative. But I am tired of being threatened. He threatens to kill me, to tie me up and take my kids. Or to cut me up in little pieces. I in turn threaten to leave his kids alone because if that's the way he is going to treat me I don't feel I should take care of his responsibilities. I feel that all the major responsibilities are left up to me. I pay 90% of our bills because he does not bring in half as much income. There is allot of resentment there. I also have resentment toward the kids, because he was very hateful to my oldest child, and kept telling me when I get my kid I'll be better. It has taken two years of having his little girl for him to finally be truly loving to my daughter. I feel he's only doing it because he lives in my house. I hate saying that because I want it to be our home. Don't get me wrong. I should not make all this out to be him, because it is not. I have my moments too. Well enough self pity, I was just hoping to maybe correspond or get feedback from someone in a similar situation, we love each other when things are good but hate each other when times get rough. If you are out there, whoever you are, please respond. I am new to this site. I hope I have not overstepped any boundaries as far as what we are allowed to post. If I have offended anyone, please feel free to let me know. Thanks for reading my story, and for all of you who are going thru similar or worse, I hope all ends well for you. And I hope we all find the answers to our prayers. God bless you all.

Confused Carmen 5/11/01

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, May 13, 2001

S1

I'm not sure where to start exactly, so I guess the beginning is as good a place as any. My parents hated each other. They were both alcoholics, and my dad beat my mom for pastime. When I was 11, they finally split up. My mom, who was 16 when they married, went off to reclaim her lost youth while I stayed with my grandparents.

I met my husband when I was 12. He was 17. We were intimate for the first time just after I turned 13 and he 18. He was awful to me when we were dating. I don't remember a lot of particulars, but I do remember crying ALLOT! He was jealous and possessive. I was pretty much convinced I could never get anyone else....so I married him when I was 18.

He's an officer in the Army, and we have two sons. Both of my sons have special-needs. The older one has Asperger's Syndrome, Bipolar Disorder, AD/HD, ODD and a seizure disorder. The younger one was born with nephritic syndrome, and has recently been diagnosed with a seizure disorder. Both my husband and I have AD/HD and every one of us take medications.

A month and a half ago, my husband and I had a long discussion where I told him that I felt like he didn't trust me. He supervises and directs me like one of his privates at work. I'm not capable of making a decision. I believed he actually listened to me and that I got thru to him after 21 years of being together. I thought we'd finally turned a corner in our marriage. His main gripe with me (he has several, but this is the MOTHER) is that I talk to my friends about my life. He has told me since before we got married that I had no right to tell people anything about him. If he thought I had "betrayed" him to a friend, he hated that person for life and made it very difficult for me when I spent time with them.

I'm intelligent, (even though I stayed for over two decades with an abuser) and since my boys have the problems they have, I have become a research fiend! I use the computer for everything. I don't even own a dictionary.

That said, I was looking up "leukocytes" one afternoon on the net. I misspelled the word and had to go all the way back to the "l" in the search bar. I found uncleared searches for "little girls" and "little girls panties". I also found "animal sex", "gay sex", "baby girl panties"....well you get the picture.

I confronted him about it and he lied, lied, and lied some more. Each time his story would change, he'd get a little closer to the truth. But his final story was that those searches had been on our computer for over two years! He said they were the result of two afternoons searching when he was drunk. I was curled into a ball for two days, and he took advantage of the time, and did quite a bit of housecleaning.

I knew that he had done this. He likes little girls because he can control them. He didn't see the big deal, and told me I was blowing everything out of proportion--as usual. He had convinced me that I was the one with the problems. I'm lazy and can't clean right and I don't cook enough. I'm also OCD and Bipolar. Those are his words not mine. I've spent a lot of time in counseling over the past four years because of my older son. The funny thing is that all the counselors told me there was nothing wrong with me. They told me I'm a great mother and that I've gone over and above for my children. But I never felt ok. I felt so confused.

I also found out recently that two years ago, he propositioned a then 14-yr old babysitter who worked for us when he took her home one night. This man is a real monster! He was a predator in his teens and I'm just now seeing it. Anyway, I found out that searches don't live on a computer for that long. I run searches all the time, and some of mine weren't one there. So I turned him in to the Military Police.

This is where it gets hairy. His command is livid with me for not going thru them first. He's blocked me from our checking account, and is giving me very little to live on. We're ok, because we living in on-post housing. He's living with his Captain, who is just as nasty as he is. My husband has threatened to sue me for making false accusations, for custody of the boys.

I made the mistake of telling him during all this that I had had a brief affair over six years ago. I had carried the guilt all this time, and felt like the time had come to get rid of it. I did not do it to hurt him. I actually felt like I owed it to him or something. How sick is that? I finally woke up and realized just how sick he is when he started comparing what I did with a grown man to his looking at little girls. I believe in my heart that if I had let him come home that night, he would have put me in the hospital. Right now I'm very afraid of him.

I'm a 33 yr-old stay-at-home-mom of two special needs sons, and I'm starting over from scratch. I'm going from an Officer's Wife, to a Welfare Mom, I guess. I don't have our computer anymore because the police took it for the investigation. They didn't find anything--so they say. Apparently, those sites were for 18 year old girls. So I'm dead in the water on that one. But I know what I know, and I have to get my boys and myself away from him.

He's managed to isolate me from my support system here. He's even convinced the mental health agency who works with me and my sons to remove a staff member from my son's case because she was supporting me. He's such a bully, but I can't believe he can bully a mental health agency! He's also made it difficult for my friends here, and had blocked my long-distance service--until I had it turned back on and put a password on the account. Now he can't disconnect the phone without my consent.

I have been so sheltered all my life. He's seen to that. But I've gotten strong because of our sons. He hated that, but I had no choice. What kills me is that I know he's a predator and there's not a thing I can do about it. When he gets tired of playing with me and my friends, he'll move on to someone else.

I see my older son verbally abuse his little brother--and me--on a daily basis. My biggest goal is to find a way to help them get healthy. They don't know what normal is. Neither do I, for that matter. But I want to find out.

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 15, 2001

S1

May 14, 2001

This is the first time I've ever written or even participated in a "chat" atmosphere. I'll try to be brief, but detailed as to what I am looking for. I am a single mother (divorced from first marriage of 12 years for 7 years) with a handsome 10 year old son (June 4th is his 11th Birthday). Almost 3 years ago I met Robert. After two months of dating him, we had our first "fight". I forgave him almost instantly after he destroyed items in my home. I almost instantly began supporting him, which I felt was alright because I felt I was fortunate that I had a descent career and that being kind to others was the right thing to do. Friends and family immediately had other thoughts about him. My closest family members and mother are very annoyed with me for tolerating him. My only sister does not speak to me, I had a "blow out" with my best cousin where I once cherished our relationship. I gave these special people up for Robert - and he never really thought twice about it. I can say he was probably happy knowing that I would be at home more - yes, waiting for him to show up and to see what mood he would be in. I could go on and on about horrible, violent events that my son witnessed. Robert says bad things about my son now (he's lazy, gay, going to be a loser like his dad, etc.).

This past weekend Robert planned a Las Vegas trip for Mother's Day (this was supposed to be a trip for me). Well, he purchased the airline tickets - after that all other expenses (5Star Hotel, meals, spending money, came from my ATM card). He then became a little too angry due to his ongoing alcohol intake. By Sunday midday, I told him I was going my own way. He never follows after me or is ever remorse. Well, he showed up hours later. That evening I was able to take a standby flight home. Well, I wasn't quick enough in leaving the hotel, he walked in as I was packing. He always threatens to bash my face in, break out all of my teeth (as he knows I am very picky about my teeth). Security came as I was leaving. Well, I haven't seen Robert since. He ongoingly leaves for 1-2 weeks at a time, he hasn't had one of those "vacations" in a few months. Robert is an ex-con. I do not feel I am any better than anyone and feel people can change - if they want to. He keeps a lot of secrets and doesn't share or open up about his thoughts, etc. His desire is to be a musician. He is in a band, but they don't even have gigs. He is a good musician, but that is like me saying I want to me a model or something that is more of a wonderful fantasy, not reality as far as making it.

I need help is finding out why I would tolerate him and want him back. When he does become violent with me (once breaking my nose in front of my son), I am angered with him and say I am rid of him. But after several hours or 1 day, I feel lonely and want him back. Today I've been paging him throughout and all I receive from him is nasty and cruel messages. He has said the meanest and disgusting things about me - whore, etc. Why would I want this? I would be so upset if any of my friends or family members had a husband or boyfriend like him. He thinks I am the problem. He also has stolen items from me and my son. Can anyone help me or guide me in not wanting to tolerate him. I miss him and wish he was here right now. When he is here I feel like Edith Bunker from the "All in the Family" sitcom.

Again, I was desperate tonight and am trying to think of anything to keep me from begging him to come home. I am sure he loves knowing that I am always home waiting for him. If it matters at all, I am not conceited, but feel very confident about my appearance and lifestyle with a good career path. Why would I lower my standards so much - I would never be able to bring Robert to any corporate function as he would not act appropriately. I look forward to hearing from anyone. I thank you in advance for your time and support.

Karen in San Leandro

,

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 15, 2001

S1

May 14, 2001

This is the first time I've ever written or even participated in a "chat" atmosphere. I'll try to be brief, but detailed as to what I am looking for. I am a single mother (divorced from first marriage of 12 years for 7 years) with a handsome 10 year old son (June 4th is his 11th Birthday). Almost 3 years ago I met Robert. After two months of dating him, we had our first "fight". I forgave him almost instantly after he destroyed items in my home. I almost instantly began supporting him, which I felt was alright because I felt I was fortunate that I had a descent career and that being kind to others was the right thing to do. Friends and family immediately had other thoughts about him. My closest family members and mother are very annoyed with me for tolerating him. My only sister does not speak to me, I had a "blow out" with my best cousin where I once cherished our relationship. I gave these special people up for Robert - and he never really thought twice about it. I can say he was probably happy knowing that I would be at home more - yes, waiting for him to show up and to see what mood he would be in. I could go on and on about horrible, violent events that my son witnessed. Robert says bad things about my son now (he's lazy, gay, going to be a loser like his dad, etc.).

This past weekend Robert planned a Las Vegas trip for Mother's Day (this was supposed to be a trip for me). Well, he purchased the airline tickets - after that all other expenses (5Star Hotel, meals, spending money, came from my ATM card). He then became a little too angry due to his ongoing alcohol intake. By Sunday midday, I told him I was going my own way. He never follows after me or is ever remorse. Well, he showed up hours later. That evening I was able to take a standby flight home. Well, I wasn't quick enough in leaving the hotel, he walked in as I was packing. He always threatens to bash my face in, break out all of my teeth (as he knows I am very picky about my teeth). Security came as I was leaving. Well, I haven't seen Robert since. He ongoingly leaves for 1-2 weeks at a time, he hasn't had one of those "vacations" in a few months. Robert is an ex-con. I do not feel I am any better than anyone and feel people can change - if they want to. He keeps a lot of secrets and doesn't share or open up about his thoughts, etc. His desire is to be a musician. He is in a band, but they don't even have gigs. He is a good musician, but that is like me saying I want to me a model or something that is more of a wonderful fantasy, not reality as far as making it.

I need help is finding out why I would tolerate him and want him back. When he does become violent with me (once breaking my nose in front of my son), I am angered with him and say I am rid of him. But after several hours or 1 day, I feel lonely and want him back. Today I've been paging him throughout and all I receive from him is nasty and cruel messages. He has said the meanest and disgusting things about me - whore, etc. Why would I want this? I would be so upset if any of my friends or family members had a husband or boyfriend like him. He thinks I am the problem. He also has stolen items from me and my son. Can anyone help me or guide me in not wanting to tolerate him. I miss him and wish he was here right now. When he is here I feel like Edith Bunker from the "All in the Family" sitcom.

Again, I was desperate tonight and am trying to think of anything to keep me from begging him to come home. I am sure he loves knowing that I am always home waiting for him. If it matters at all, I am not conceited, but feel very confident about my appearance and lifestyle with a good career path. Why would I lower my standards so much - I would never be able to bring Robert to any corporate function as he would not act appropriately. I look forward to hearing from anyone. I thank you in advance for your time and support.

Karen in San Leandro

,

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 16, 2001

S1

I am 48 yr. old woman who should know better than everything I've done this past 2 1/2 yrs but I'm trying to get my life back out of this mess and could use some input.

2 1/2 yrs ago my marriage of 14 yrs broke up because I found out that part of my husbands drug addiction involved other women. I joined al anon because I knew outside of the drug problem we had a really once in lifetime thing and a basically very happy family so I just wanted to keep him and my peace. He decided to go into a rehab and , as they warn you it can, our world fell apart. It was not so much the other women, I understand you're not sane when you're doped up, it was the lies and the believing in him. It tore us both apart and I was in very bad shape. I couldn't sleep because I'd wake myself up screaming, I lost 10 lbs in one week and, worst of all, turned to ANOTHER addict.oooops.2 1/2 years later I am still with this addict and, truthfully, I am not willing to live this way BUT I love his children and am trying to protect them. He is a heroin addict, their mom is a heroin addict and their Aunt is a partyer that is never there to take of the kids. That's all their options outside of me. I have told him I want him to leave and the kids to stay, for their sake but it is difficult to handle this right. He is a dangerous man, although he has never done me harm, so it won't be simple to make him go because he thinks he is deeply in love with me and I am a little scared of his reaction when he finds out I am for real. I'm not even sure what I'm asking you for. My ex is my best friend but because we still have feelings his advice is too emotional. I feel strongly about protecting these children and will not sacrifice their wellbeing for my comfort. That is not even an option. Maybe I just need encouragement to keep on this path until I succeed. I don't want to get tired and just give in and leave things as they are. Thank you , Cat

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, May 17, 2001

S1

I am writing because I am angry, confused and hurt. All in that order. I am angry because my husband of 18 months says nasty and cruel things to me that make me want to punch his lights out. I am by all means not a fighter, either verbally or physically. The first time he verbally lashed out on me I was astonished. I literally turned around and see if there was someone else behind me, because surely he wasn't directing these profane and insulting tirades toward me. After all what did I do? Confused, I asked him I had done to deserve such cruelty. This caused the remote control to be flung to the other side of the room and finally lodge in the wall, soon after a chair was flung. I screamed in horror and my first reaction was run after him and to apologize. After all, I didn't know he wanted mustard instead of mayonnaise on his turkey sandwich. This was the beginning. I learned to ignore his outbursts and walk away. This is not good. I learned to do something dysfunctional....Live with a what I like to refer to as a "wacko", After each fight, he threatens to divorce me. I used to cry and try to make things better. Now, I say, "please do". Well, he never does. I am taking matters into my own hands, and I went to a lawyer yesterday, and I am beginning gathering documents, etc. Here's the sad part. I'm afraid to tell him. I am also tormented with the thought that this poor man whom I promised to love and take care of is sick, and I am bailing out on him. I know that this is so wrong to feel this way, but I am having a huge problem with this. I feel that I am abandoning him and not being a good wife. Which leaves me with this question, who is sicker? Him or me.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 18, 2001

S1

My abusive husband (physically, mentally, verbally, etc..) of 5 months left me recently and I can't get over it. I should be thankful, but I'm not. I am mourning the loss of this man. He said that he's leaving me for two reasons: 1) before I left him AGAIN; and 2)my negative attitude was going to stand in the way of his 2 day sobriety from crack cocaine abuse. Is this typical of an abuser to leave like this? I really could use some insight. What's wrong with me? Why am I mourning the loss of this man? Could someone give me insight as to why I'm feeling this way? Thanks, Lisa

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 19, 2001

S1

From Karen, 5/19/2001:

Hi, my name is Karen. I used to be a "strong" person emotionally until 7 years ago.

I met my husband, and it was instantly a "whirlwind" romance. He told me he loved me after only 1 week. I had been hurt before, and was very cautious of this newfound excitement.

He made me feel good. He bought me presents, and brought my Mother presents whenever we visited my parents. He was such a charmer!

He said he had money in savings, (which was not true) and he fed us lies to make him look good (my parents did a background check and found that this Man had done time in prison for a violent-related crime against his step-Father).

My parents, behind my back, knew I was headed for only trouble with this Man. They even discussed "paying him off" to get him out of my life. They opted against this, because they knew if I ever found out, I would never forgive them. They decided to let me experience this anyway:

My Mom let him drive her car to and from his job, because he proved trustworthy enough.

One morning, while he was taking a shower, my Mother was visiting and my sister was here from out-of-state. My Mom said," I want to look in his wallet & see if he even has a driver's license." (since he had been using her car). My sister volunteered.

My sister returned and said," I hate to tell you this, but all he has is an I'd. card, but no drivers license."

Let the games begin...I was already set in my mind that this man loved me, and I was willing to put his past behind us.

We married 4 months later, and had a lavish honeymoon in Colorado.

I was pregnant immediately. Our son arrived in 1996. When our son was only 5 weeks old, I was changing his diaper and my husband walked in and wanted to borrow money from me. I knew that he had $50.00 the day before, and asked him what happened to the money.

He became very raged and upset, and said that I had no business asking him! He pushed me, with our son in my arms, and we both fell to the floor.

He left for work, and I called the police. (This would be one of MANY calls to the police, by the way!) The police filed a report, and my husband had to appear in court, due to the past of violence he had.

The Judge sentenced him to Home Detention. He had to wear a monitored ankle bracelet, and he could just go to and from work, then straight home.

He was very upset about that. It was MY fault that he was punished this way. My fault? He was the one who pushed me with a child in my arms.

Abusers have a way of turning the tables, twisting the truth and making it seem like it's always the victim's fault, right? Right! Over the years, I felt that I truly was wrong and he was right. I would decide what I was going to say to him and be very strong, only for him to tear me down emotionally and make it seem like it was all my doing.

He went through several jobs within 2 years, and then decided he was financially "backed into a corner" and had to leave for Seattle! He walked into his job and quit. He rode his motorcycle 1200 miles to Seattle on little money, with no job or place to live once he got there.

I didn't understand why he did this, because we had a nice home near my Mother, and couldn't see why he would leave the comforts of home to go somewhere he didn't even know anyone.

I had a house payment, a small toddler, and a part time job.

He started calling collect to talk to me. Of course, I would accept the charges because I ached to talk to him. The phone bill was outrageous.

I decided to drop everything and relocate to Seattle to be with him. My Mother was crushed, as her daughter and grandson would be moving very far away.

Abusers are notorious for taking the victim far away from family and friends; all the people who loved me! Then, he would have absolute control over me.

We stayed in a motel until our furniture arrived. I was pregnant again.

When I was 7 months pregnant with our second child, my husband had taken our dog to the park one day. He saw a woman on roller blades that kept circling around the path at the park. The met, and eventually he cheated on me with this 18 year old! I was pregnant, and he was cheating on me and driving HER car around! I was devastated.

Did I learn then? No. He arrived at our apartment and said," I made love to this woman and it was beautiful." I was crushed. I said," You can't even look in my eyes when you said that." He drew up divorce papers and gave them to me.

I should have signed them then! I just didn't learn. I didn't realize this was a pattern and a sickness of this dysfunctional relationship.

My husband had a very different background from me: His parents divorced when he was very young, and he lived with his Mom and step-Dad, who sexually and physically abused him. They left him alone a lot.

So, of course, I made excuses for my husband: *He had a horrible childhood, that is why he is the way he is. So, I can change him! I can show him love, cook his favorite meals, keep the house immaculate...etc....That will make him happy, therefore, make our marriage work!

Wrong again. No matter what I did, it was not good enough. I didn't discipline the kids to his liking. I wasn't consistent. I didn't run the dishwasher the way I was supposed to....You name it, I got blamed for it!

My self esteem and self worth did not exist anymore.

You are wondering about the affair, right? Well, he did end the affair, but this woman kept calling the house at all hours wanting to talk to him. She would wait at his work in her car just to see him arrive at work. (I would drive him to work, then go on to my job). I would see her waiting for him. I told him I wanted to confront her (I wanted to do more than that!)

He said he would take care of it.

Where is this woman today? She is now my "sister-in-law." Can you believe this? After my husband ended the affair, she started dating his brother! Then, they married and she had his baby.

I could not stomach the fact that this woman now had my last name, and was in the family! I could not believe this was my life, this was something you watch on talk shows, this isn't supposed to happen to ME...

To sum it up, he hit me several times. He yelled horribly. The kids were disciplined very strictly. As usual, I was always at fault for anything that went wrong in his life.

He would get so stressed over finances and bills. He would mention, over and over, how he pays all the bills and that I don't contribute to anything.

Keep in mind: I worked full time, and still do! I paid every dime of my paycheck to him. I stopped doing that, because he did not manage money very well. He would go to the grocery store and blow money on things that would not carry the family through for the month (like meats, pastas, vegetables, etc.) He would buy chips, sodas, junk!

My husband decided to go to trucking school last year. When he left, it was like a large weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It was almost as if my body totally relaxed!

I don't know if I can post this next paragraph, but I will explain just how relieved my body was: The whole time I was with him, I never had a menstrual cycle. (I had them before I met him, but they suddenly came to a halt when I met him).

Well, when he went away to trucking school....guess what? I received my monthly cycle. That told me a lot right there!

He started calling collect. I explained to him that I was working as hard as I could to support my children, and that calling collect would set us back considerably, financially. He said that I didn't care enough to accept his calls and that I didn't love him.

He started drinking. He would call me at 2:00am (when I had to get up at 4:30am to get ready for work). He would cry, and say that he didn't have anybody but me, and how could I shut him out?

Guilt trip. I felt bad. It starts over again.

My 30th birthday arrived. He had come home for a visit (he would be routed home every month or so through his long-haul trucking job he took after trucking school).

Our car's transmission went out 2 days before my birthday. I had no transportation, and taking the bus was not an option, because we lived 25 miles from my job. Plus, I would have to take the children to daycare and that was not on a bus route.

I bought a brand-new car, with a 10 year/100,000 mile warranty. I thought this was a good purchase, because this was a new, safe car to transport my children around.

My husband was furious! He said that if I had only waited until he got paid, he would get us a cheap, used car from the auction. I explained that I didn't want another used car, that we would only be buying someone else's problems. It didn't matter what I said, I was never right anyway...

So, on my birthday, he called me at work and said," I Honey, Happy Birthday. Let's go out and do karaoke tonight for your birthday. Let's meet at the house after you get off work."

He was so gentle and romantic. However, since he had been away from me a month at a time, I was getting STRONGER. I was more independent, and felt really good about myself!

So, I took a deep breath and opted to say what I am about to say. I said," That sounds great honey. I'll meet you at the house. Oh, one more thing: I do not regret buying that car, I just want you to know."

That did it. How dare I compromise his manhood? How dare I talk back to him? How dare I stand firm and stick up for myself?

He said, "Alright. I see. Well, you go out and have a good time on your birthday tonight. I will leave your presents on the couch."

So, on my 30th birthday, I picked up my kids from daycare after work and went home. No cake. No dinner. My parents and sisters were miles and miles away..

I just cried and cried. My children hugged on me, saying "Mommy, don't cry. We love you." I love my children more than anything in this world! I have never left them. The way I see it, down the road when my kids are older, they will love me! They will see that I never left them.

I arrived home, and did see my presents on the couch as he said he would leave them. They were not wrapped. He didn't even bother to sign my birthday card!

That did it. Rage just built up inside of me.

When he came home at 10:30pm that night, I was sitting in the recliner/rocking chair watching TV. I was hurt, depressed, and thought that what he did was just about the lowest thing a person could do to another on their birthday.

He said," Honey.." I interrupted him and said," I don't even want to hear it. You have really done it this time, and I want out of this marriage."

He didn't take it lightly, as I knew he would react. He kicked the back of the chair I was sitting in, and the cloth ripped.

Not to mention other things he'd destroyed in the house in the past.

I told my husband something I had been wanting to say for a long time. I finally said," Stick a fork in me honey, I'm done!" Thank God he didn't do that!

I have realized that I am a good person. I am not at fault for everything. It is not my job to make everybody happy!

My husband is still trucking. (He can "keep on trucking" as far as I am concerned.)

Am I afraid? Sure. I am scared. I have 2 children, raising them by myself, miles away from anyone who could help me. However, I have made friends with my neighbors who also have children. They are my support line.

Before, when my husband was living at home, I could never have any friends. Whenever I would get a phone call, he would keep sighing and giving me mean looks. He did not want ANYONE to take me away from the time we were together. He didn't want me emailing my family. If I did, he would accuse me of talking about him behind his back.

I put myself through technical school, and received my A+ computer hardware certification. The computer technician at my job went with another company, so I was offered the position of tech at my company!

Today, I feel that I am worth something. Today, I can see the big picture. I was not happy being an at-home Mom with no money of my own. I wanted to be somebody.

Currently, I am working on another computer certification: Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer. Who would have ever thought? Me? A submissive wife, now managing an entire network of computers?

Today, I feel pretty good about myself! I know now that there is relief from abuse. I know now that I can stand up for myself and that I don't have to take the crap that I used to.

Thanks for listening. Hey, if I can do it! You can too, if you are going through a similar experience.

I can see the light now.....

Karen

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, May 19, 2001

S1

This is my story. I left a relationship that turned from verbal abuse turned to physical abuse. Then I entered a relationship immediately with a neighbor who said he loved me and took good care of me, but was also saying that to other women, as well. Silly me. I left him when I found out. About 2 years ago I met a guy who became my friend. I started a business, and needed help, and he needed work, so I enlisted him as my assistant. During this time, we became very close, and he came to live with me. It wasn't really discussed, and we were not physical at the time, it just happened, because he had problems, and I was concerned. It's been a year, and we have become closer. We now sleep in the same bed, and are physically and emotionally intimate. He has called me his soul mate, his best friend. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the both of us, and I needed him to bring in a second income. I was really struggling, but I decided to be patient. I knew he knew how hard this was for me, but he had self esteem problems, and kept making excuses why he couldn't look for a job, many of which are true, some of which were just fear. But, he never did anything about it, even when I was really struggling. Most of the time he was nice and affectionate, and sometimes he would say things like "why don't you tell me again later so I can pretend to care" or "I like to make you feel bad about myself". I would get upset, and he said I was being too sensitive, and taking things the wrong way. He never really meant those things. I started thinking he didn't really care about me, but when I addressed that, we would both cry, and he would say he did. I kicked him out the other day. I just woke up and told him he had to get out of my house. Now I feel guilty, because he is upset and crying. We both feel lost now. I told him I couldn't live with him if he didn't help me, or love me. He says he doesn't want a girlfriend, but he can't understand why I couldn't just be his friend, the way he wants me to be. He says I am everything he wants and needs, but he is afraid of love, because it always ends badly. I tell him I am sorry I can't remain emotionally detached like he would prefer. I can't do it. I am trying to make him understand I want him, but I want him to love me. I know I can't force him to, I told him that. We are now apart, trying to figure out what we want. We have been hurt before, and are both children of multiple divorces, and physical abuse. I don't know if this is codependency, or fear of commitment, or me just being stupid, not understanding how a relationship works. Sometimes it felt great, and sometimes I felt he didn't want me around. But, if he wants to come back, I will let him, only if he helps me, and tells me he cares. If I screwed it up because of my own insecurities, I will never forgive myself. I am calling his house constantly trying to talk to him. I don't want to seem like a freak, but I want to fix things. I am having a really hard time without him. I am having trouble doing the things I have to do. I should also mention that I have problems with anxiety and social anxiety, and always feel I need someone to hold me hand. He didn't want to hold my hand, and I always felt rejected. I know that's not right. I couldn't help feeling that way. I thought it meant he didn't want to be around me. Also, I know he has always stayed in unfulfilling and low paying jobs because of girls, so he needs to have someone hold his hand, too. We can't be like that. I think I recognize my disorders more than he does. If he is willing to work, and not be so self-loathing, and I am willing not to be so emotionally needy, things would be perfect. Do you think we could go to couples therapy? I know we really do have feelings for each other. I think we're just really messed up folk. How can I make him understand that he is deserving of love? I should also add that neither one of us enjoys alcohol, although occasionally we may both smoke a little dope or pop some xanax. We did more in the beginning, but neither one of us seems to have much interest in it now. We both agree it was getting old.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, June 01, 2001

S1

I don't know even where to begin......Please everyone reply to my story. My "fiancée" and I have been together for 4 years. I put quotes around fiancé because his family doesn't even know because he's scared of what his mommy would say. lol He says it's because we haven't been getting along and he doesn't want them to think we are just jumping into marriage. The truth is we don't get along because he is an abuser!!! I don't care if he does tell anyone because I don't want to marry him anyway. I look at him in disgust at how mean he can be. I've moved out about 6 or 7 times in our relationship. I can't believe I'm sitting here writing this and not packing my stuff. I have a four year old daughter that has to listen to her mother get abused. He does not abuse her, just me. If I leave my washcloth on the tub he puts it in my underwear drawer to teach me to throw my things in the laundry when I'm done. He doesn't let me sleep in bed he makes me sleep on the couch because he says his back hurts. If I cook something he doesn't like for dinner he makes me go and get him fast food. He says I don't know what works is and he would love to take me to work with him for one day so I could see what real work is like. He wants me to help him pay off his bills that he had before we were even together. He calls me names. Makes comments about my weight and tells me I'm overreacting when I get upset. I cry all of the time and he just sits there and flips the channels. If I'm in another room and he can hear me he turns up the stereo or TV so he can't hear me cry. He sucks everyone else's butt and then abuses me when he comes in the door until it's time for bed. I mean couch. I am the maid, delivery girl, babysitter for his kid when she visits, and etc.... too many to list. I hate his guts a lot of the time. He never accepts blame for anything. It's always I didn't do anything wrong......... That makes me want to blow my head off. He is an a**shole 85% of the time. He didn't come to my college graduation because he was mad that I went to college and he didn't. He makes me go to his family functions because he always has a migraine, or his stomach hurts. He's a freakin drug addict along with all this other bullshit. He says he can't deal with real life so he needs a crutch until money gets better so he can deal with his bills. He tells me I over react all of the time. My body is telling me I need to get the heck out and stay out. You don't cry all of the time because you are over reacting. I have a mother that is looney and he tries to tell me that is what is wrong with me.... that I am like her. His kid is a spoiled brat just like he is and she abuses my daughter. You're thinking why does she stay? Because I have not saved enough money to leave. If he knows I have money he will get it out of me somehow. I work 2 part time jobs and babysitting and car payment eats most of it. God I hate my life right now. I don't have any friends anymore and the one I do have hates his guts and I don't blame her. My esteem is non existent. We graduated the same year from the same small school so we've known each other a long time. In high school I was a cheerleader and in everything........ so lively and fun. and now I can't even get up half of the time because I'm so depressed. We have to have the lights off at 8pm so he can sleep until 8 the next morning and that doesn't count the nap he takes when he comes home. He doesn't take me anywhere, but if someone else asks he's right there bubbly as can be. I won't to blow his head off for treating me so badly, but it really isn't his fault anymore. It's mine for being so stupid and coming back..... He hit me the other night and I started to cry and he told me I was a wus. I am 26 years old and very pretty whenever I'm not covered in bruises or mascara that has ran down my face from crying so much. No one knows about anything but me. He is Jeckyl and Hyde. His parents think he is just the model son and their family is perfect. I can't hide anymore. He doesn't care if I tell anyone because he is so good he'll just tell them I'm crazy and I'm lying. Who knows maybe I am.........thanks for listening

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, June 01, 2001

S1

I'm lonely and desperate. Is there anyone out there who has been married a very long time (40 years in my case) and who absolutely cannot communicate with her husband at all any more? Sometimes I think I am going crazy. He has become so verbally abusive through the years that I can't stand to be around him. The older I get the sadder I get. I kept thinking that one day I'd be able to get through to him and we'd have some tenderness and love again. I approach him gently, but as soon as I say I'd like to talk to him, he gets furious. I hate myself for putting up with it. I'm just so sad all the time, for my wasted life. Hope is a terrible thing. Somebody respond, please! Married Forever

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, June 01, 2001

S1

My Story

I moved to Massachusetts on June 7, 2000, and met Raymond two days later on June 9, 2000. My meeting with Raymond was such a dream; I thought that everything was perfect. We met up at Nantucket Beach, and from there we decided to go to Castle Island so we could watch the planes come in, and talk so we could get to know each other better. Raymond gave me the utmost respect that evening, treating me like a lady should be treated. He opened the car door, walked on the outside, did not interrupt while I was talking, bought me a soda, told me that I was beautiful, and that he would be honored if he could take me out on a real date. Raymond was so sweet, and oh so handsome. Words cold not describe how he made me feel that first night, and all I could think of was ‘Yes, I finally found my dream man, someone who makes me feel good about myself!’ Raymond and I talked for hours; we shared with each other all of our hopes and dreams, our plans for the future, and how we wanted to have better lives than what we were leading. It seemed as though we agreed on everything, and that fate finally brought us together. On the night of our first meeting Raymond did not even try to hold my hand or kiss me. He said: “I am a gentleman, and gentlemen don’t do that to ladies when they first meet them. Intimacy does not come until after the first date, and that is only with permission.” I could not believe what I was hearing. Not only was this guy not trying to get me to sleep with him, but also he did not even want to pressure me into a goodnight kiss. And before he would even consider kissing me, he would ask me first! I knew then that I had moved to Massachusetts from Minnesota for a reason, my soul mate was waiting for my arrival.

Raymond telephoned me the next day, stating that he had such a wonderful time, and that I was such a wonderful woman that he could not wait until we could meet again to go on an official date. ”I dreamt about you last night, and it was the most beautiful dream that I have ever had.” He told me. I melted any time I heard his voice, or saw his face. Raymond soon became my world, and I his. Raymond was all I thought about, and I looked forward to seeing him whenever I could.

At the time I met Raymond, I was working at the Red Parrot in Hull as a waitress, not making much money at all, day shift proved to be slow, and all of the evening hours were taken. Raymond soon asked me to quit, saying that he wanted to spend a week together, just he and I, with no distractions. He thought that if I quit working there, I could go with him and find a job when we got back from our vacation together. “Hull is full of trash anyway, and besides, I don’t like you being around that atmosphere. It is too dangerous; someone might try and hurt you when you are walking to your car or something. You never know what kind of weirdo’s are out on the streets these days!” I melted thinking that he was so concerned for me, and that he would help me find a job where he knew I would be safe and would not have to worry about me. It had only been 1 week since I met him, but I already knew that I would grow to love him like I loved no other. I was in love, my eyes sparkled, and everything seemed so perfect. Raymond was too good to be true.

Raymond started to change about 2 weeks into our relationship. I found that little things would make him angry, but blew it off to him having that Massachusetts attitude, and he was just kind of a rude person. I figured that I had to get used to it, because everyone was rude. He would tell me about his past, and how he used to throw kittens off the roof tops in Korea, that he hated other peoples children, and that once he sat and bounced a ball off of this little boys head because he was black, and “all niggers deserve to die!” I was shocked about the little boy. I told him that that little child did not ask to be brought into the world, and that he was innocent. “Raymond you are so cruel for doing that, and I really hope that you don’t do that when you are with me, because I won’t stand for it!”

“What the hell do you care what I do to some other kid, especially a nigger kid? The only children you will ever worry about are our children that we have together, no one else’s!” He yelled.

I did not know what to think, was he really serious, or only joking. I knew that sometimes he would seem like he was telling me the truth, but really only joking, just leading me on for hours before letting me know his little joke. I was scared and wanted to drop the subject, so I left it at that. Soon thereafter, Raymond and I had our first physical altercation.

July 23, 2000, was Raymond’s sisters wedding shower. When we arrived, Raymond automatically went to the bar to get us a few beers. He came to me 15 minutes later, working on his third beer. “I need to be drunk to deal with all of these freaks! I just want this to be over with so we can go home! I better not catch you looking or talking to any men either! I will be watching you!”

At this point in my life I set my own personal boundaries, and I was the type of person that liked to be close with others, I was very social, and would literally talk to who ever was around. As my personality is shining, I can see the anger in Raymond starting to rise. When confronted with being angry, he denies it, and just goes on about his business, drinking more and more. He had made quite a spectacle of himself before we finally left, embarrassing his sister, future brother-in-law, his mother, and me. I was handed the keys, reason being that he was just to intoxicated to drive, and preceded to pack him up in the car and take off. The whole ride home, Raymond would not keep his hands off of me, groping me in inappropriate places that I did not like. I asked him several times to stop, but he didn’t. “Your my woman, and I can touch you whenever I want to!” he told me. Once again, I thought of what I wanted to say: “Since when do you own me?” but found myself making another excuse of ‘He is already pissed off, why make it worse, just keep your mouth shut, and let it be’.

I was catching myself doing that on a regular basis, making excuses for a man that I was questioning how I felt about and that really treated me like garbage most of the time. I would wonder just what I was doing, telling myself over and over again that I did not need him, I deserved better, I at least deserved to be my own person! Unfortunately I have never listened to my gut instinct, and the argument with Raymond continued.

We pull up into the driveway and World War III breaks out! “What did you think you were doing at that party making me look like an idiot?” Raymond yelled.

“What was I doing? You were the one making your self look like an idiot, that was all of your own making!”

“I swear to God, bitch!” He started screaming at me, “You really don’t want to piss me off!”

“You don’t have any reason for being mad at me, I did not do anything wrong! And if I did, why can’t you tell me instead of screaming at me?” I replied.

“You have to the count of three to give me my keys…” he started to say. My adrenaline is going, and there is no way that I am going to back down. He has pushed me way too far, and he was not going to get away with being a thirty-two-year-old little boy anymore. He needed to be a man, and I was determined to let him know that men do not push women around and disrespect them.

“What are you going to do, hit me?” I enticed him.

“You better just give me my keys!” he shouted as he pushed me down. I could see his rage growing, and I really was unsure of just how far he would go, and I was afraid for my safety, so I handed him his car keys. He left while saying “If you love me, you will be here when I get back.”

I knew in my heart, and my head that I did not deserve that kind of abuse, and there was no way that I was going to put up with it. As soon as he left, I started to pack my belongings, only to be interrupted by his mother begging me to stay. She went on to tell me how much her son loved me, that I was the perfect woman for Raymond, that I made him happy, and she of all people could not wait for us to start our lives together. “He loves you so much Sarah, please give him another chance. He really did not mean it.” She pleaded with me.

Raymond’s last statement of “If you love me…” was playing over and over in my head, and I decided to stay. Just give him once more chance, I thought. Just one more, he was drunk and he did not mean it.

Unfortunately, that second chance turned into a third, and a fourth, and a fifth, and a sixth, and so on. Raymond soon began making up rules for me: I could not look at any other male, and I had to get his permission to talk to a woman; not very long after that I had to get his permission to even look up from the ground to find out who was in the room, even if I knew it was only a woman. He would tell me that it could have been a man disguising his voice as a woman, and my eyes were only to look at him. I was not allowed to have friends because he was all I ever needed. I was not allowed to wear make-up, I was not allowed to do my hair, and he would tell me what I could and could not wear. I was not to ask any questions, I could not argue, and his opinion became my opinion. Whatever Raymond said went, it was his way or the highway. Raymond escorted me to work, and picked me up everyday. He often made surprise visits, or he would telephone me several times a day to make sure that I was working and ‘being good’. He constantly accused me of having affairs, although I never had any time to be alone yet time to meet another man. I was not allowed to drive, use the telephone, or watch television. I could not step out of the house alone, I was told when to go to bed, what time I had to wake up, what to eat, and when I could take a shower. I even had to ask permission to use the bathroom. I had to have my paycheck directly deposited into his bank account, because after all, he was supporting me by letting me live with him, and we were to share everything. I was a prisoner, and Raymond was the warden.

Throughout my relationship with Raymond, I was the victim of many verbal assaults, physical beatings, and rapes. The verbal assaults happened on a daily basis, I don’t remember a day passing where he did not belittle me in some way. It almost seemed like an unwritten rule for him to beat me on Sunday, although sometimes he binged and push me around for a few days and then be nice again. He made the worst excuses for pushing me around, some of them being so ridiculous even I don’t believe him: There is one instance where I reached under my shirt to scratch my lower back and he said that he could see my tattoo. He decided that he no longer liked having ‘his woman’ having a tattoo on her back, and that “If you don’t get that removed, I will remove it for you with a brills pad. Real ladies don’t have tattoos.” Raymond the preceded to push me around and throw things, trying to scare me and show me just who was boss.

Raymond did try and be romantic one day, buying me flowers for my birthday, with a card telling me how much he loved me. Unfortunately it was not my birthday until the next day, and I told him that. He became furious and told me that was the last birthday that we would ever celebrate. He and I went out that night with my parents to celebrate my birthday, and the ride home all I could do was cry because he hounded me about why I paid so much attention to my mother and did not talk only to him. A few weeks later the subject of my birthday came up and Raymond became furious. He told me to leave, to pack my stuff and get out of his house. “I don’t need you anymore, your nothing!” He started to throw my things out the door and as I tried to stop him he grabbed my arm and attempted to throw me out the door. I hit the door, and broke it. The door came off the hinge, I hit the ground, and Raymond started apologizing. I laid there crying and shaking because I was in such fear. Raymond got me inside before the neighbors had a chance to really look at what was happening, and tried to make me feel better. “I am so sorry, I didn’t mean it! I love you Sarah, and you know that I would not purposely try and hurt you, you just made me mad!” He told me. I wanted to die. I was too scared to leave, afraid that he might do some thing to my family, and knew that he would kill me. Something had to change; I just had to figure out what to do.

I fantasized on a daily basis about how to leave Raymond. I thought about getting up in the middle of the night and tell him I was going to the bathroom, and then sneak out the window, or maybe if I was lucky and got to shower by myself in the morning I could sneak out then, or the next time he left to run to the store. I thought about jumping out of the car, running as fast as I could when we left the house. I had to leave because I knew I was going to die, that he was going to kill me. Plus, I thought that I was pregnant.

I was one week late to getting my period, and I have never been late in my life. I was not allowed to use birth control, and Raymond had been trying to get me pregnant. I did not want to get pregnant; because there was no way that I was going to be raising a child in a horrible environment with an abusive father who beats his mother. I tried to figure out ways that I could get birth control without him knowing, but I did not have enough time. I was so scared, and I just knew that I was pregnant. I had all the signs besides being late. I had the nausea, tired, swelling, and I felt pregnant. My gut told me that I had a child growing inside of me, and that I needed to leave. Raymond had caught on to my cycles, and asked my why my period had not come yet. I told him that I was not sure, that sometimes it comes late. “You are lying to me, you’re never late! Your pregnant aren’t you!” I then told him that I thought I could be, that I felt like I was pregnant, and tried to make it seem like I wanted to surprise him and cover up my lie. I did not want him to know, he was going to have nothing to do with this child. “You lied to me! You just sat there and lied to me!” Raymond grabbed me and threw me on the floor. He picked me up and threw me on the bed and pounded me on my chest and started to wrap my sweatshirt around his fist. I could feel it getting tighter and tighter around my neck, and then he finally let go. I wanted to leave but couldn’t; I did not know what he was going to do to me. Two days later, I was violently ill with cramps and vomiting, and was bleeding profusely. There would be no baby. Although I never confirmed it, I knew I was pregnant, and he took that from me.

The beatings only got worse from there. He hated me for possibly being pregnant, and then he hated me because my period came. He told me that I was worthless to him, and that I could not give him what he wanted, and even if I could I would be a horrible mother, much less a wife. I could no longer do anything right, and he stopped apologizing for everything. The honeymoon stage disappeared; it was strictly Raymond’s rage.

October 15, 2000 will be forever remembered as the day Raymond was going to kill me. We had been out all day, and as we walked in the door, my mother called. He handed me the phone and gave me the look of ‘you better not be too long’. As I was chatting with my mother, Raymond started to get angry and was throwing things. I looked at him, met his eyes, and he said “Your fucking dead!” And I knew that he meant it. I tried to prolong my conversation with my mother hoping that she might hear something and call the police, which made Raymond angrier but he kept the noise down. I was never allowed out of earshot or eyesight of Raymond, so I could not tell my mom to help me, I just had to get off the phone and face my punishment. I have never been in more fear of something happening in my life as I was at that moment. The second I hung up the telephone with my mother, he came up and kicked the kitchen chair that I was sitting in.

“You liar! You lied to me; everything you say is a lie! What were you talking to her about?” He screamed at me.

Before I could even mutter my answer, he grabbed he chair and flipped it over with me in it. I fell to the ground hitting the back of my head and the chair was on top of me. Before I knew it, he was coming down to the floor, and I scrambled to get up.

“Please leave me alone, don’t hurt me! I am not lying! Please don’t hurt me!” I begged.

“You can’t get away from me!” He yelled.

I used the table as leverage between him and I. As long as the kitchen table was between us I was okay. He then tried to flip the kitchen table, but ended up pushing it toward me pinning me in the corner. Raymond came up to me and screamed in my face to look at him. I refused, I had enough, I gave up, and if he wanted to kill me he could.

“Look at me!” He kept screaming.

I absolutely refused to look at him. I could not bear to see the strange man standing before me, for I did not know who he was anymore. Just then he grabbed me and threw me against the counter. I hit my head against the cupboard door, and my back against the counter top. I could feel no pain. It was as though I was seeing this happen to someone else, not me. I felt nothing at all. No pain, no emotion, no nothing. He was not getting a reaction out of me anymore, and that infuriated him. He let go of me, and I ran. “Get out of my house! I never want to see you again! Go call your mommy and have her come get you! Your worthless, I can’t believe I gave you this much time out of my life!” He screamed at me more. I started to put my shoes on and grabbed the telephone. I started dialing the number and Raymond grabbed the telephone out of my hand. “What do you think that you are doing? Calling your mommy? I though you said you were never going to leave me? Huh, didn’t you say that? You lying bitch!”

I ran for the door only to have him slam it closed and lock it. “You’re not going anywhere! You think you’re scared now? You think I’m psycho now? You just wait; you have not seen anything yet. I’ll kill you!”

Raymond started throwing me, got on top of me on the bed and ripped his shirt off. He started screaming, not saying any words, just screaming. The veins were popping out on his neck and head, his eyes were blood shot, and he was just getting started. He punched me in the chest, and threw me to the floor. Raymond took the telephone and threw it at me, and then did the same thing with my shoes. “Go ahead! Leave! I never loved you! Your just white trash!” He hollered at me. I tried to get on my feet, only to be knocked down again. “I thought I told you! You’re not going anywhere!”

I was thrown around the room numerous times, been picked up by my feet and hair, and kicked before I finally made it back to my feet. I started to run away, trying to get myself locked in the bathroom and jump out the window. As I am running I look behind me and he stopped. His left wrist had a lump on it the size of a grapefruit. I knew I could stop the fight by apologizing and nursing his arm. My first reaction was he broke it, so we would have to go to the hospital, and that is how I could be protected. I had one million thoughts running through my head. ‘Just make him stop’ is all I could comprehend at that time. ‘Please make him stop, don’t let him kill you!’

That was the last physical fight between Raymond and I. I knew that there may not be a next time, that he might kill me next time, I knew Raymond was out of next times. I called that Thursday October 19 to the Domestic Violence program at the hospital I was working at. Unfortunately I had only about 2 minutes to talk before he would be there, and the woman on the other end of the line asked if I would call back tomorrow, and I agreed. The next day when I got to work I called the hotline again, and told this woman my story.

“Sarah, you are not safe. I know you might think that it will be okay, but it is not. He could really harm you. Worse than he already has. You do not deserve that. No one does. You are not safe, and I can help you get safe.” She told me.

‘You are not safe…’ repeated over and over again in my head. It was now Friday, and that meant the next beating was going to happen. The only thing I had left to lose was my physical life, but I had everything to gain back.

“Please help me, I can’t go through this anymore!” I cried.

“You need to talk to your supervisor and then come down to my office. I know you don’t want to tell anyone else, but your supervisor will understand. It is going to be okay.” She encouraged me.

I told my supervisor what was happening, and what I needed to do. She told me if Raymond called that she would tell him that I am in a meeting and I cannot come to the phone, and not to worry about anything. I left my floor and made my way to the Domestic Violence office.

My counselor helped me contact my parents and tell them what was happening.

“I am so glad to finally hear your voice sweetie. We knew all along what was happening, there was nothing that we could do that we felt would save your life. We will come and get you right now!” My mom told, trying to calm me down from being in complete hysterics.

I went right to the police station to try and get a 209A, which is a restraining order, against Raymond. I could not stop shaking and crying. Walking into the police station I felt as though I was a zombie, just trying to go through the motions.

“No judge is going to give you a restraining order, not now. It’s five o’clock on Friday, you had all week to go to court and get one,” the police officer informed me.

“But he is going to kill me, he is going to come after me!” I pleaded, knowing what was going to happen in the near future when Raymond found out that I had left him. “Please, I need something to keep him away from me!” I exclaimed.

“We will keep a look out for his car, and if he shows up just call 9-1-1 and we will be there,” the officer said as he went back to his paperwork.

I could not believe that I got no support from the police, and felt as though I was being blamed for being in that situation. ‘If he only knew,’ I thought, ‘if he only knew how I have tried to leave, and how scared I am, he would get me that order!’ Arriving home, the telephone was ringing off the hook, and Raymond’s voice echoed through the answering machine: “Sarah, please pick up the phone, we can work through this, I love you!” He said sweetly before hanging up the phone. The phone rings again and I become hysterical. “Sarah,” his voice echoes again. “Sarah, pick up the phone. I want to talk to you. You better pick up the phone. Don’t let your parents do this to us; don’t let them break us up. You know you love me and need me. Pick up the phone!” He screamed, his anger now showing.

Mom gave me some clothes to wear and we left the house, hopefully avoiding him for at least one evening. As my parents and I were out trying to figure out what we could do to keep me safe, Raymond was continuously calling and his anger was growing. When we arrived home, my mom erased all of the messages without listening to them, and the phone began to ring again. My father answered: “Hello?”

“Where is she, I want to talk to her.” Raymond said.

“You too late Raymond, she is gone. She went back to Minnesota to get away from you.” My father told Raymond.

“She left? Why? We were fine, we just had a little fight!”

“It was not just a little fight Raymond, you beat her up! You have been beating her up and she does not deserve that! Leave her and us alone!” My father said as he hung up the phone.

The telephone fell silent for the night. I tried to go to bed, I tried to at least close my eyes and rest, but fear kept me wide-awake. Any slight noise, actual or imagined made me jump. I could hear cars outside, cracks of the house, neighbors coming home. I could not tell how close the noises were, and if it was someone trying to get into the house or not. I felt like I laid in bed forever, waiting for the night to pass and day to come. When the sun came up, I figured it was safe to get out of bed.

I tried not thinking about what was happening, but it was difficult because I did not know where Raymond was, or what he was thinking of doing. Just then, the telephone rang. It was Raymond.

“I know she is there, put her on the phone!” He screamed as my father hung up the phone. Raymond called right back, hanging up when the answering machine picked up, only to call again. He finally gave up after the fifth or sixth attempt. All I could think of is was that if he found me, if he somehow got near me, that he would kill me. He told me time and time again that if I ever left him, he would kill me and then himself; or that if I ever contacted the police that he would kill me. I had done both of those things, but I was not ready to die.

Mom handed me her credit card and told me to make flight reservations to Minnesota for as soon as possible. I think she was finally realizing just how dangerous Raymond was, and did not want to watch her daughter get killed. I had begun to tell my parents what Raymond had done to me, and the stories of what he had done to other women. I knew that he almost killed his last girlfriend by choking her, and that she had to go to the hospital because her throat was so swollen that she could not breath. I was in court with him when he plead guilty to assault and battery with her case, and received probation. He had explained in detail to me about his first girlfriend that put him in jail. He explained that he beat her so bad with a broom that she was lying on the floor in the fetal position and wet her pants. He laughed about how one day he was upset at this woman, who also happened to be the mother of his child, and started to beat up on his son. My mother was in complete shock.

I tried to contact the police again, thinking that maybe I could get a 209A now that he was calling constantly and said that he knew I was home. The police informed me this time that if I did get one, that Raymond would know exactly where I was staying, because the address was on the order. Therefore Raymond would have and open invitation to come and get me, the restraining order would not stop him. Against what I wanted, I did not push for the order, and got my plane ticket to leave the state.

When I flew back to Minnesota, I found out from several friends and family that he had been calling and looking for me. I knew then that I had to go to a shelter to be truly safe, because if Raymond found the phone numbers, he knew the addresses. Plus if I stayed at the shelter, I would have the resources that I needed to get the restraining order, and the means to call and talk to the police to find out if I could press charges. My friend picked me up from the airport, and brought me to a shelter in the middle of nowhere in southern Minnesota.

As I walked in the doors, I sat down with one of the counselors and did an intake. Intake is when they take all of your personal information, and you tell the counselor what happened in your relationship so they can give you the resources that you may want or need. I was then given a shelter tour, the ‘rules of the house’ were explained, and I was shown to my room. The counselor told me that I had no reason to not feel safe there because everything was on closed-circuit television, and the police were only a phone call away.

I brought my luggage down to my room and started to unpack. I felt so alone, and had no idea what to do next. I finally felt safe enough to go to sleep, and after almost 72 hours of being awake, I laid my head down and closed my eyes.

I awoke the next morning to the sound of rain and sat on the edge of the bed. I all of a sudden had this overwhelming anger, and wanted to scream. I grabbed a notebook and wrote down exactly what I wanted to do. I knew that I could not go back to Massachusetts with Raymond walking around a free man, nor could I just ignore what he did to me and allow it to happen to his next victim. I picked up the telephone and called the probation department at Stoughton District Court, hoping to talk with his probation officer to find out what I could do to put him away. Unfortunately I was told that I could not do anything through the court system, but I was directed to the Norfolk County District Attorneys office in Stoughton. As I was talking to the victim witness advocate, she told me that they cannot make a report and press charges, that I had to go through the police station and sign the complaint form. I explained that I left the state of Massachusetts in fear of my life, and that there was no way I could make it back there and make the complaint, that it was just too dangerous.

“I am sorry then, we just can’t do anything for you.” She said.

“Please, someone has to help me! His name is Raymond Nee, and he just had another domestic violence case against him in that court that he is now on probation for. Some one has to do something before he kills me or someone else. This is not fair!” I pleaded.

“I am sorry for what has happened to you Sarah, but there is nothing we can do. Try contacting Stoughton police.”

I had already spent 3 hours on the telephone, and felt as though I was getting nowhere. I only had one option left, and I did not feel like I was going to get anywhere there either. But I had nothing to lose, so I called the Stoughton police.

Dispatched answered the phone, and I asked if I could talk to someone about possibly pressing charges against a man for domestic violence.

“Officer Poillucci is the man you want to talk to, and he comes on at four o’clock this afternoon. Would you like me to have him call you?” Dispatch asked.

“No, I will call back. Thank you.” I stated.

It was only noon, and I had four hours before I could call and talk to Officer Poillucci, praying that he could help me. I also needed to get a restraining order, so I started filling out the paperwork for that. I wrote a very detailed affidavit to what happened between Raymond, and me just so I would not forget anything. I did not want to leave anything out in the restraining order, and I also did knew that the court in Stoughton would be getting a copy, and maybe they would revoke Raymond’s probation when they read it. I finished the restraining order paperwork just in time to call Officer Poillucci. Dispatch answered the phone again at the police station and I asked for Officer Poillucci.

“Officer Poillucci,” he said.

“Officer Poillucci, my name is Sarah, and you are my last hope. I have been told time and time again that I cannot press charges against my ex boyfriend for assault and battery.”

“You can press charges, just come down to the police station and fill out the paperwork.” He told me.

“Nobody understands, I cannot come down there. His name is Raymond Nee and he is already on probation in Stoughton for beating another woman, and I am in Minnesota because I am so afraid of him.”

“I am sorry Sarah, I cannot help you if you are in Minnesota.” He said.

“Please don’t tell me that,” I pleaded. “That is what everyone is telling me. Does anyone understand what this man does to women? He just picks his victims and beats them, getting away with it every time. He has been doing this for years, and has been in jail, and I just went to court with him a month ago on Abuse Prevention orders, why won’t anyone help me?” I asked.

“What is his address and date of birth?” Officer Poillucci inquired.

“His address is 2300 Central Street, Stoughton. His birth date is July 3, 1968.”

I heard typing in the background, and then something printing. “I tell you what Sarah. You need to get a restraining order against Raymond immediately, and when you get that, send it to me. We will take care of this. Don’t you worry.” He said.

“Thank you so much Officer Poillucci, I will. I’ll call you when I get back from court.” I told the officer.

“That would be great, Sarah. Be careful.”

I woke up the next morning and headed straight for the courthouse. I wanted to get that restraining order faxed to Massachusetts, first so the officer could go over it and start the process, and so that Raymond could be served and I could feel a little safer. Officer Poillucci called me when he received his copy, and told me that he was filing charges. He also informed me that in order to go through with this, that he would need my cooperation, and that he may need me to testify in court. I replied “No problem, anything to get him off the street.” I knew what I was going to have to do. I just did not know how difficult it was going to be. I stayed in contact with Officer Poillucci that week, and on November 4, I asked him if I was safe enough to return to Massachusetts.

“I am getting the warrant for his arrest on Monday, so you can come back anytime that you want, just call me as soon as you get off the plane.” He told me.

I returned to Massachusetts on Sunday, November 5, 2000. I informed officer Poillucci that I was back, and he called the Rockland police department and requested frequent drive bys and let then know the situation. “I will call you tomorrow after we get the warrant.” Officer Poillucci told me before I hung up. Finally, someone was willing to help me out, and someone who wanted to put Raymond in jail as badly as I did.

Monday afternoon, Officer Poillucci finally called me. “Do you know where he might be hanging out, or if he is working, or any place that Raymond might be?” Officer Poillucci asked me.

“He does not work, he has no friends really, and the only place that he could be is at home.” I replied.

“Well, his car is in the driveway, and I am figuring that he is just not answering the door.” He said.

“Raymond knows why you are there, and he is not going to answer the door. He will hide, and probably leave.” I stated.

“Don’t worry Sarah, we will get him. We are watching the house, waiting for him to either come out, or return home. We will get him.”

“Thank you Officer Poillucci.” I told him.

I could not believe that I had gotten this far, and Raymond was evading the police. He knew exactly why they were at his house, that he was going to be going to jail, and there was nothing to stop it now. Three days passed with not knowing what was happening, when I finally got the call.

“Sarah, this is the Norfolk County District Attorneys office out of Stoughton. Raymond is in court today, he turned himself in.” The woman told me.

I did not know whether I should be happy, or scared. I knew that I had to drive to court and see him, and I was alone. I had not slept in 4 days, had not eaten in about 2 weeks, I was a mess. And now I had to go to his arraignment, possibly having to testify.

I arrived at the courthouse at about one o’clock. Officer Poillucci was waiting for me outside; he wanted to make sure that I made it in the court safe. I was escorted to the DA’s office, only to have to sit and wait. That day I met with everyone that would be involved in my case, the Assistant District Attorney, 3 different victim witness advocates, the police, and the probation officers. Raymond was arrested and formally charged with six counts of assault and battery, three counts of threats with intent to commit a crime, and one count of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon. The district attorney also held a dangerousness hearing, stating that Raymond was likely to come after me or hurt someone else if he was released. The judge thankfully held Raymond, without bail.

The next court date was set for November 27, 2000. I arrived that morning, not prepared for what was about to happen. Raymond and his attorney decided to plea. I was invited into the courtroom for the first time, to face Raymond, and tell the judge what happened. I was fine until I walked into the courtroom, and saw the back of Raymond’s head. I started to shake uncontrollably, and I tried fighting back the tears but my emotions were too high to hold back. All of the fear that I had been getting rid of the past two weeks appeared even worse than they were before.

“Are you okay? You know you don’t have to be in here.” The victim witness advocate told me.

“I need to do this. He needs to know that he did not win. Just don’t leave my side. Please.” I told her.

I was brought up to the witness box, and the judge told Raymond to turn and face me. “You terrorized this woman, the least you could do is listen to what she has to say.” He told Raymond.

I had the advocate next to me, the police officer next to her, and the bailiff next to the police officer. And I still felt like Raymond was too close. I had 3 people between he and I, but I still felt like he could get to me and hurt me. ‘Stay strong.’ I told myself. All I wanted to do was throw up, but I knew that I need to get through what I wanted to say. I read my impact statement, telling him what he did to me was terror, and that he could no longer get away with it. I explained what he did to me, and how it made me feel. All the while he sat in shackles playing with his pants. That angered me. He really did not care. He could not even look at me.

The judge decided to sentence him to 5 years, and then Raymond withdrew his plea. “I guess we will go to Dedham on this one then,” the judge said. “It really sounds like this should have happened a long time ago. Some one should have kicked your butt a long time ago!” He told Raymond and then adjourned the court.

I was hoping that it would have been over, and that I could get on with my life. But unfortunately we had to set another date for a jury trial. January 23, 2001 was set for the next court date. There were about 6 court dates before we arrived at March 16, 2001. I had been waiting for this date for what seemed like eternity. He finally agreed to plea, and I had the chance to finally move on with my life. Raymond plead guilty to all ten charges, and received a total of six years in jail. Unfortunately he will not be serving all that time, but instead had gotten concurrent time, so he will only end up serving a maximum of three years. He is eligible for release November 8, 2003.

Three years seems like a lot of time to most people. I know that I cannot complain, he could have gotten away with it again. I just don’t feel that three years in jail, having a bed to sleep in, 3 warm meals a day, free schooling, free medical care, and whatever else prisoners get while incarcerated, is fair compared to what he did to me. Raymond terrorized me. He is still terrorizing me. For the rest of my life I will always look over my shoulder, wondering if he will ever be there, I have to heal from the emotional scars that he gave me, and wonder when my nightmares will go away. I don’t understand how anyone can do that to a person, and pretty much get away with it.

Raymond has been charged sixteen times with assault and battery, pleading on 14 of those charges; He had five charges of threatening to commit a crime, three of which he plead on, and two that were indicted and then dismissed; Three charges of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, plea bargaining on all three of those charges; Four charges of Abuse Prevention act, which is violation of a restraining order, and he plead on all four of those charges also. He currently has 4 different restraining orders out against him, all from different women. He has faced a total of almost 100 years in prison, and up until November 9, 2000, Raymond was only incarcerated once, for two months.

Unfortunately, there are many men like Raymond out there. Domestic Violence happens. Domestic Violence could happen to anyone. It does not matter how strong of a person you are, your social status, how much money you make, what color you are. None of those characteristics of a person make them more or less susceptible to domestic violence. The only way to protect yourself and your family is to educate yourself and others on this horrific epidemic. We as a nation that prides itself on living freely can no longer ignore the issue of domestic violence. It will touch us all at some point in our lives, whether it is experiencing it personally, or knowing someone who has. We need to take a stand and fight domestic violence with as much vigor as we protested the Vietnam War, or lobby for the funds to get grants to open new battered women’s shelters. Innocent women die everyday at the hands of their current or former husbands or boyfriends. Why?

A direct quote from Senator Joseph Biden (D – DE): “If the leading newspapers were to announce tomorrow a new disease, that over the past year, had afflicted from three to four million citizens, few would fail to appreciate the seriousness of the illness. Yet, when it comes to the three to four million women who are victimized by violence each year, the alarms ring softly.”

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, June 03, 2001

S1

Dr. Irene,

Hello. Wanted to share with you how I am doing. This is Tree. I have filed for divorce, now just waiting. For everyone that doesn't know my "Story". I will explain most of the things. In a NUT SHELL. 10 years ago I started to date my husband. There were red flags all over the place, but I was not healthy. He abused my children, he abused me, and I let him do this. By not leaving I let him so this. I have taken total responsibility for everything, if you don't you will not grow and change. I have been hit, things thrown at me. A gun pulled on me. And these are the physical things, it doesn't included all the mental things. Almost everyday he would verbally attack me, sometimes so small that I didn't even realize it was happening. The first time I left him, I was pregnant with our daughter. I went back after 6 months. Into the same abused. The second time I left him This was three years ago), I told him he needed to quit drinking, go to anger management classes and then after that I would see if we could work it threw marriage counseling. He did quit drinking, he went to anger management classes (he got kicked out half way threw) then we went to marriage counseling. After a year of being separated, I moved back with him. Things were ok. He didn't drink, he didn't call me names, he didn't threaten to kill me. He was ok with the kids. The reason I say ok and not great because I was willing to settle for ok, not great. He still didn't live up to what I wanted in a relationship. And something must of been not ok because something in me could since it with him. But since I was "used" to really bad things I didn't see his covert abuse until it started to turn again into overt abuse. I went into depression, but didn't know why, I started to see a therapist who told me to start to write down in a journal everyday. I even told her that I have done that, I should know what is going on, why do I need to write down things? I KNEW all. But I also know something had to change, I had to get out of my funk. So I started to write. At first it was over "the bad things". The overt stuff. Within three weeks of writing and seeing her. I was seeing that the covert abuse was happening almost every time that him and I exchanged any communication. Not only was it happening to me, but to the kids. Writing down things helps to focus on what is going on. The days didn't blend together in a hopeless situation. I could then see the CRAZINESS that was going on, and still will be going on if I was still with him. I am not going back. I do not want to live my life always making sure that I am not falling into my old behaviors of not "seeing" what is going on. I am giving myself time to heal. I live with my five children, and being FREE is great. My home is my sanctuary. I have promised myself to work on me and the kids for as long as it takes. I will not date for a long time, and when I start to date, I will run at red flags. I will not totally invest myself into a relationship because my first responsibly is to myself, then my children. The reason I am first is because I need to be healthy and happy in order to have a safe and happy home for my children. In the past I put the children always first. What that meant to me was, as long as my husband didn't do anything to the kids, I could handle anything he dished out to me. I didn't work. Because as soon as he saw that I didn't respond to his abuse to me, he started after the kids to get to me. To be a great mom I need to focus on myself. Take care of me and the kids. I love my life now. Things are peaceful. The quite that I hear and the happiness that is in my house is wonderful. Dr. Irene, I found my peace!!!

God speed.

Tree

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, June 05, 2001

S1

Hi dr. Irene I just found your website, and it is great. Thank you ! I have been married for 7 years and my husband has been controlling and sometimes abusive from early on. My mistake was to except it. I believed what he said that if I was a better wife, if I could listen better, or consider him more, he wouldn't have to be so angry. Until our counselor opened my eyes to the fact that I was being abused. It made me so angry because of everything that he has gotten away with, that I started to stand up to him in a way he has never seen. I also took the kids and stayed away over night and he got some time to think everything over. He was crying all night. I do not allow his behavior anymore, and I do not respond to commands that are yelled out. And he has backed off tremendously. I still don't trust him, and I know I need time to heal. But he gets impatient, and I let him know that if he is not willing to wait, there are other options. I am attending a support group which is a very good help when you can talk to somebody that has been through the same as you. I wonder if he will truly ever change, but he seem to be doing pretty well. Time will tell. "Finally strong."

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, June 05, 2001

S1

Where do I start? I have been with this abuser for eight years spending each day trying to make my children's life functional ,I have a 4 rod by him and a 14,and 18 yr. old by a previous marriage ,(he committed had an affair and is now married,) Anyway I will be 4 in sep. and have not gotten anywhere, have basically lost everything in my name, have bad credit no job skills, have gained 50 lbs. need out but don't know where to start .He has gotten worse and is an alcoholic. I drive his vehicles and if I try to leave I would be with nothing but three children. I don't want to live in some project type of apt. my children are used to having the things they need but are also living in dysfunction Your site is probably the only therapy than I get and enjoy it alto's feel like I have hit rock bottom, Its hard for me to apply for a job because I feel so awful. Carla

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, June 05, 2001

S1

I was in a happy stable relationship until my first husband died. We had 2 kids together & the future was bright until we found he had cancer & died w/in 8 months. This is my base of what I considered a "good" relationship.

1 year later I meet #2. A very cocky guy, likable because he always had a good story to tell and a way that kept you interested.

As long as he was the center of attention.

We planned on marriage, it turned out to be sooner than I had planned. He had decided that his sister was a piece of $#it & that he (read we) needed to take over & raise her kids (3). Total up the kids= 5 !!! We finally had to send the ones that did not belong here home & had one together.

There were times that I needed him & he was there, I think. But most of the time I was the one supporting him ( his family). Try ALL of the money left from life ins. Along the way I was more & more ignored. My feelings were not considered unless it interfered with his needs. I had an "emotional affair", because the guy actually listened to me. (ohmigod--I had a voice).

#2 found out & has been so much worse than he was before. Before I could do almost anything, wear anything etc. Okay, so I guess that I understand most of the way he feels. It would be hard to trust again. BUT-----when he found out he became a "dog with a bone". One night we had to go thru the whole "EA" for 17 hours!! We basically neglected the 3 kids we (I) have for him to appease himself. He thinks that he can read people & can tell when someone is lying. According to him, I was lying when I was telling the God's honest truth. I called a therapist the next day & got us in. At one point just before going to therapy he had me cornered on the couch & threatened to hit me. I called him a loser ( he is chronically jobless ) & he hauled off twice on me. The kids were in the house. ( I am crying just writing this & it happened in November)

We have fought ALLOT since then. I asked & then demanded that he move out about 3 months ago. What a relief. Now he thinks he should move back in in August. I DON'T WANT HIM TO!! I can't seem to get him to hear me.

The Bit(# of it is that I do feel love for him, but I am not in love with him. In my heart love = respect. I cannot respect who he is (& was).

I am so depressed. I can drink a pot of coffee & still go & pass out. I am barely holding it together for the kids sake. It seems that every time we are together (#2 & I) we end up yelling. He lectures me & talks to me as if I haven't a brain in my head. We fought again Friday & I told him to GO. Dammit, he just didn't go. I meant it, I wanted him out of my life.

My mother said to me today that she is worried that he is driving me to a nervous breakdown....I am afraid that she is right.

I need help.

Myseri

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, June 07, 2001

S1

June 7, 2001

I am submitting my story to you and hoping it may help someone else to admit they are in an abusive relationship.

I was abused as a child by my father. I got married when I was 21 to a very nice man who was emotionally and physically "not there". He was incapable of intimacy and left me feeling alone and isolated with three children while he worked in a high powered job and controlled all the money. I divorced him after 15 years of marriage. Immediately after separating I began a relationship (long distance) with a man I met on the internet. It was a whirlwind to say the least. He gave me everything I never had with my ex. He doted on me, complimented me constantly, was very affectionate - he basically put me on a pedestal. Then six months into the relationship we had an argument and he said some of the most hideous, horrible things to me on a cold December evening. It brought me to tears. The more I cried, the more he laced into me with his verbal cruelty. He brought me to the point of collapsing in tears and wracking sobs and left me in a strange town, in the cold all alone. I got in my car barefoot and drove home. Five days past and I (stupidly) called him. I missed him. During this time he was very demanding sexually and often woke me at all hours of the night to "perform". Six months later we were out and a guy was openly flirting with me in front of him. I did not flirt back or engage in anything. However, he got in the car and told me I was "a nothing", that "nobody would ever want me" and then called me a slut. I cried and was broken to the core that he could speak to me like that and still profess to love me. I told him to leave and that I didn't want to ever see him. He apologized and felt awful and blamed it on his drinking too much. To make a long story short, that incident happened a year ago and although he has not been verbally abusive since all the other things remain. It doesn't matter if I am not feeling well or if it is 2 am, if he is in the mood he persists and if I say no he sulks. Last night he told me he had an argument with his ex-wife and said he left a message on her machine. A very verbally abusive message. Last night was when the light bulb in my head went off. I was with a verbally abusive and controlling man who was slowly eroding my sense of self. Thank you for your web site. It has changed my life. I will no longer be with someone who treats me in this manner. If you are reading this and you see any of these signs in your relationship I have some advice....don't walk from the relationship----- RUN!!!!!

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, June 09, 2001

S1

Honestly, I , myself is not the victim. I need to know if this is verbal abuse and if anything can or cannot be done about this for two of the most precious people in the world to me. This is what I have heard second-hand but it's genuine from me because of what they have told me... Their dad calls the girl a B**** and has a sick favoritism for the boy, on account he is the one that will hold the family name for the rest of the time. The girl has told me of the physical abuse from the past, the pulling of hair across the room and like the such, and she is afraid of her dad. She and he only have to go there which by the way is across the USA) in the summer but to them that's too long. I'm the boy's girlfriend and the girl's close friend. I love them both and thing's over there are getting worse. He said there will be not contact whatsoever from friends and that they are not allowed to contact their friends, they are allowed to talk to their mom once in a while on certain days of the week, and I am just about ready to go over there and tell him whets what but I know that won't help any. I myself deem him as a control-freak psycho that needs to be in a couple of anger management classes! I have talked to him too and he has such anger in his voice that I have never heard before and I live in a family of rednecks crossed with Yankees and you know there are tempers flying there. They need help and honestly again this is one of my last hopes. Please if anyone has any information at all please email me at jcfreakdd4@bolt.com . Thank You and God Bless you.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, June 09, 2001

S1

Honestly, I , myself is not the victim. I need to know if this is verbal abuse and if anything can or cannot be done about this for two of the most precious people in the world to me. This is what I have heard second-hand but it's genuine from me because of what they have told me... Their dad calls the girl a B**** and has a sick favoritism for the boy, on account he is the one that will hold the family name for the rest of the time. The girl has told me of the physical abuse from the past, the pulling of hair across the room and like the such, and she is afraid of her dad. She and he only have to go there which by the way is across the USA) in the summer but to them that's too long. I'm the boy's girlfriend and the girl's close friend. I love them both and thing's over there are getting worse. He said there will be not contact whatsoever from friends and that they are not allowed to contact their friends, they are allowed to talk to their mom once in a while on certain days of the week, and I am just about ready to go over there and tell him whets what but I know that won't help any. I myself deem him as a control-freak psycho that needs to be in a couple of anger management classes! I have talked to him too and he has such anger in his voice that I have never heard before and I live in a family of rednecks crossed with Yankees and you know there are tempers flying there. They need help and honestly again this is one of my last hopes. Please if anyone has any information at all please email me at jcfreakdd4@bolt.com . Thank You and God Bless you.

JCFreak

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, June 09, 2001

S1

Well, I probably won't get much sympathy for my story considering the fact that I started out as the "other woman". I met my fiancée at work, he trained me. He began hinting around about an attraction on the second day, but I knew he had been married for a long time so I tried to resist. Unfortunately my resistance was a little weak, and after hearing all the horror stories about his wife and marriage I gave in to my own attraction. He left his wife and they later divorced, she and I talked and she was okay with it, saying the love was gone three years previous. She was so quiet and docile, the total opposite of me, so I thought I was just the sort of woman he needed, someone to stand up to him. That idea pretty much flew out the window after I lost all my friends, was forbidden to talk to men, I'm one of two women at my job) and accused of cheating on a regular basis. One night, after he had dumped me for the umpteenth time, then tried to convince me of how sorry he was and that I should come home to him we live together) I told him I was coming home but instead I went to a coworkers house for a party. I guess I just went to show him, or teach him a lesson, or maybe to rebel in my own way. Anyway I fell asleep and woke up several hours later, then freaked out and went home, where he was asleep. He woke me up the next morning by throwing a glass of cold water on my face and screaming. He accused me of cheating, which I didn't do, then told me he was seeing someone else. Well, he went on torturing me for another two months by threatening to see her or actually going out with her, while calling me names and still keeping me hanging. That was two years ago, and he is still convinced that I slept with another man. And I'm still paying for something I didn't even do. Other than that, he has bad mood swings, when he will blame me for everything for about two weeks, the suddenly he's over it and apologizes. He yells a lot, calls me horrible names, things I would never say to someone I loved, no matter how mad I got. I still have no friends, no one to talk to, he never listens to me, my feelings don't matter. We do whatever he wants, never what I want. He makes me feel guilty and selfish for voicing my thoughts or i deas. If only he could be that guy I fell in love with, But it seems like that guy only comes out when he wants me back. I'm sorry this is so long, maybe I'm just so lonely it feels good to tell someone, anyone. Thank you for being there.