My Story 2: Controller and Victim Tales
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B1: Submit I recently divorced a very abusive man all I can say is after 12 years of abuse it was not a very easy thing to do. But I can say it was the best thing to do. He seemed so perfect for me at the beginning of the relationship. Although now when I l\can remember the abuse started slowly The first thing I remember was when I put
a little to much water into the sauce and he got so angry he through it across the kitchen that was how I was supposed to learn my lesson not to ever do that again (that was his way of teaching me a lesson). Then the abuse really began whenever I said things that he didn't like he would pull my hair or kick me. he even controlled me in the grocery store and B1: Submit Hello all. I stumbled upon this page looking for help for my stepson. His mom is verbally abusive to US, which is spilling over onto her child. I know this seems a stretch, but the child is our only concern. We are not looking to get custody, or rip him away from his mother, but truly want to help him.
His mom is very angry about the divorce, and she takes it out on her ex husband. She has a very bad temper, which is why he left her in the first place. She often yells at him in front of his son when he goes to pick up his son, for petty reasons. We have asked her to stop, and told her this is not doing his son any good, and she shouted at me "I will stop when I want to!" I can understand my advice was not wanted nor appreciated, but the way she is yelling all the time is hurting their son greatly.
The reason it is hurting my stepson so much, is because the thing she yells about most often is VISITATION. If my husband is as little as two minutes late picking him up, or five minutes early dropping him off, she yells at him like it's some huge inconvenience. She also yells and carries on if he cancels, which he only does twice per year at the very most. I talked to her about this
yesterday, and even told her that when she is yelling like that, and her son can hear her, that it makes him feel as if NO ONE wants him! She didn't really reply to that, but at least I got to say it without being yelled at. (how odd that was) Besides always yelling at my husband, she is always pushing this child off on whoever will take him for her. She claims to want custody - but yet she doesn't want HIM. She pushes him off on us, his grandparents, the school (full time summer school when he only needed go part time last summer), and she even called my husbands mother and asked HER to take visitation as well. It appears as he is too much for her to handle, so she is always trying to rid herself of him. I am only telling you this so you know why she yells at my husband when he cancels.
She went on to tell me that she has this problem with my husband. She is very angry about him leaving her, and every time she sees him, she says she has this *red button* that goes off inside her, and she can't control her temper. I happen to know that she has trouble controlling her temper with other people as well, and it's not only him. She will yell at anyone who does not agree with her, and has yelled at my stepsons daycare providers, and other people who have stood in her way.
My stepson is getting into trouble at school now, and the councilor is going to talk to him, and do a report on him. (I think it's psychiatric) They are also checking him for add. My husband and I have called the school twice now, and they are not returning our calls. I feel they should know the background on this, but don't want to appear to be bashing his mother. His mother and I do get along, and as a matter of fact, I am the only open line of
communication she has. (because the yells at my husband so frequently, he avoids her like the plague) I do not wish to start a
feud, or shut down the only line of communication here. What I do wish to do is help my stepson. His mom is the first to admit she has a temper.
My question is this: Should I keep my mouth shut, and let the councilor discover the problem on her own? What if she does not find out that his mom is a yeller? And if I call the school and talk to the
councilor, will they keep it confidential or think I am trying to cause problems? As I have said before, this is not a ploy to get custody, just help the boy. We are at a loss of what to do.
Thank you
Kathy
B1: Submit
January 24th '01
Hello Friend,
My name is Anna and I have a story to tell you.
Once there was this wonderful person named N. She was 26 years old, very warm hearted, attractive, blonde, and well, let's face
it, pretty naive.
N. comes from a great background with loving professional parents and she grew up with wonderful, long-term friends and graduated from a good, private college with two degrees.
N. was feeling especially gutsy and decided to move to The North West in order to seek her independence and land the perfect job in Graphic Design (Did I mention to you that she also has a design degree from an excellent school she attended after college?)
So N. packs up and heads off, away from all the spoon-fed security in hopes for an
adventurous, independent life!
In order to speed the story along I will stick to the facts,- N. tried her hardest to get that design job!- She worked at Nordstrom late afternoon/evening and all morning sent out resumes, worked on her portfolio and cold-called every possible option there might be.
3 months passed and N. was frustrated but kept plugging away. Then N. had a great opportunity to have an Art Show downtown! N. was very excited! (Did I mention that N. is also a manual artist- she has drawn and painted ever since she was 4)
So N. did some fun paintings and bought a lot of wine for her first opening.
One painting sold and everyone N. had met after living in the Northwest and invited showed up, admired the artwork, and drank all the wine. N. felt it was a success! There was a tall, good looking European man that appeared at the show - he had given N. his card and N.who was so excited about the after math of her show the night before, actually called him the next day- (To meet for a drink some night, perhaps? She had thought.)
N. knows that this is pretty bold, but N. lives by the rules that if you want something to happen It's up to YOU!
(Did I mention that N. is also Naive - yes, I believe I did.)
J. the dashing European with the new-Zealand accent suggests a romantic dinner and N. is thrilled! J shows up in an Armani suit with flowers and a big smile. He has perfect white teeth. The dinner is in a five star restaurant the food is lobster and the champagne and wine glasses keep being refilled. N and J had fantastic (protected sex) afterwards and N had to leave early for work the next day.
J perused N who was so mesmerized by all the lavish gifts, dinners and later- trips around the world that she felt as though she had won the jackpot! Yes, N. realized that J had been married (was divorced) and had a son who was only a year old but J told N that his ex-wife had driven him away, wanting to raise a son on her own terms and N. believed him.
N by this time also found out that J had a temper, N let a few comments slide and just felt that since J works so hard with his own profitable business he deserves to get
frustrated whenever he wants. (N also feels that since J pays all the bills and has asked N to help him with his furniture business that part of N's job is to put up with his verbal abuse. Besides he always says he is "sorry " afterwards and he gets her gifts and flowers after a huge outburst. He got her two dozen pink roses after he gave her herpes. And N forgave him.
N's friends are very happy and jealous for N. They see all the gifts, travel and the nice cars and the house she now lives
in rented)- and they see this fantastic, older man who wants N by his side every second. But they do not know about J and his quick
tongue that seems to be shredding N's esteem a little each day. N. is also not really furthering her career and feels lost. But J makes her laugh and then she buys a new pair of shoes on J's credit card and decides to live in denial for just one more day.
J and N get married!- The wedding is small and very private overlooking a huge expanse of beautiful blue water. J and N look fantastic- N is wearing a simple, body hugging dress that the couple picked up while they were traveling in Italy. J is so happy that he sheds tears during the vows. Blessings are everywhere.
J decides that they need to move to Arizona the next day. N is crushed. What about her job? (she's a teacher now- she got tired of working with J)-Even though J gives her crap about it all the time and wants her paycheck (every dime). But, N. is now married- J is the bread winner so they pack-up and move.
In Arizona, N finds a job teaching right away after filling out all the paperwork in order to teach in another state. (N can now teach in 3 states) They now rent another
extremely expensive adobe home and N. feels a false sense of security.
J and N get along well- J's business is failing though and he tells N that they are broke. N fills her time trying to be a good wife and spending time at her job. J tells her she has a bullshit job and they need to move back to the
Northwest to make money.
N. knows arguing will prove fruitless- so she packs everything up (She is a great
packer!) and they move back. They move into a very expensive rental home- N. questions nothing and then J tells her that they owe sooooooooo much money. N wants to file for bankruptcy and move into a new low-rent apartment.
J wants to flee the country and move to New Zealand.
N has had enough. N calls a lawyer whilst J is setting up a place in New Zealand with
embezzled money. N calls her family and tells the whole truth. N cries. N makes a decision to get a divorce, move back home and start fresh. N is now 29.
This should be the end of the story- but is not.
J is back and he has wormed his way into N's new apartment- The stress has caused N to lose her new job, new friends and slowly her sanity. N gets pregnant and tearfully decides to abort. It was a very tough decision. N is feeling very insecure and wonders if this man is
supposed to be her destiny?- J has filed bankruptcy, quit drinking and swears that he will take anger- management classes.
N wants to believe him- she has given him money to pay for the lawyer and J is living rent free. N even does his laundry!- N gets
frustrated because she feels guilty that J spent so much money on her!- N feels her punishment is to stay and "make a go of it" Especially, because she feels she has killed an innocent life after the abortion. N's emotional
strength seems to be slipping between her fingers.
There is an element of "blind-faith" for J on her part- if they can make it work the relationship could be a beautiful thing. There is such a connection except for when the abuse surfaces.
N's parents and friends are screaming for her to pack up and leave this man. N wants to be strong- Do you think she will make it?
Do you think she deserves to make it? N can't seem to figure that one out. PLEASE HELP N. TO HELP HERSELF! (She will leave, but she needs a powerful force within her to help her see just how bad she has it with J and to not feel guilty anymore.) N is still 29.
B1: Submit I have been married to a manipulative nasty verbal abuser, who completely had me snowed for 10 + years. I have a 3 year old son, and have noticed through him and began to read and speak out about now also the physical abuse I suffered recently as well. I did not want it to continue, nor did I want my son to grow up in this environment. I thought that it would be mean and cruel to not discuss my plans of divorce with him. WHAT A GIANT MISTAKE THIS WAS. He plotted and planned and bought a tape recorder . . . and now I have been accused of hurting my son by this SOB, and until court on Friday, after he took my child to his mothers, and I did not see him for 4 days, the judge gave the bastard
temporary custody until court. I have 4 hours a day to see my child under
supervision, not at our home. I begged him not to involve our son in the divorce, and it was the very first thing he did. The abuse just gets worse . . . don't ever kid yourself. My son runs away from me
screaming "I don't love you . I don't want you to be my mommy. I want Daddy's mom to be my mom too." It's like someone ripped my heart out. I can only hope and pray to GOD that somebody can see what's going on and help me to get away from this monster, and have my son back. Now my son is telling me that he won't see me tomorrow, when he is scheduled to, and that he will be returning home with Daddy, NOT MOMMY. Because Nana's his mommy now. I can't even bring myself to stop crying. I thought he loved me . . . HA HA HA. Any suggestions for CPS and court on Friday would be welcomed greatly. Thank you kindly, Maria. B1: Submit Dr Irene: Just call me Barb...
After finding your site last year and living in a house hold that I supposedly built with my boyfriend and father of my youngest child,
I had been repeatedly told to GET OUT by Him and the police. I did not clean well enough, often enough, hard enough or thorough
enough. He hand built our new house and it was my job to keep it clean, the kids quiet, and under control because it was his house.
The seat at the head of the table was his, the cookies hidden in the cabinet were his, the garage with the outside entrance was his,
the electricity, phone and cable which he paid for and I might add, disconnected when he was mad at me, were his. I am a college
educated woman with two masters' degrees, three bright children and I felt it was easier to just stay where I
was. The kids hate him,
though he has been their father since they were four, disrespect him, and now disrespect me.
I listened to him tell me that I was fat (I weigh 98 lbs), tell me over and over again that
I was lazy (I have Fibromyalgia now going on
five years and am in constant pain), tell me I don't clean or cook the right food, buy the right groceries, drive the car the
right way, wash the clothes fast enough (though I did his laundry every single day) I do NOTHING. I stayed home with a
4 year old, and twins age 10 and yet did nothing. Yes, I took Naps (I have this disease which he sees nothing wrong with me)
yes I am constantly tired. I also babysat my infant nephew all day, took care of my aging parents in the hospital and their home, escorted
his mother and sister to the mall all the time. BUT I listened to your sight. Finally, I listened. When he told me on
Christmas Eve that he hates my kids, gave me an add for a newspaper for an apartment as a joke he says, I moved out!
I moved out two days after Christmas. To a 2 bedroom apartment (house) with my three kids. I gave up that life. I could not take
his verbal abuse one more weekend. I started back to work in September as a secretary so I would take one step to free
myself from this man who refuses to get help with his control problems. He tells me where to drive, when to go out, when to sleep,
eat and breath. He gets mad and jealous over my twin sisters' son, even if he loves him
allot. I thought last year after we moved
out for 8 months that he would get it...GET IT. But though he misses me now, and wants my one daughter back (our daughter,
he blames my kids as the reason that we don't get along) Am I missing something here? We went for counseling, he says he loves
me and does not know the meaning of love. He does not know the meaning of respect. Admire. Now he has his big new house on
the hill. What should I do regarding my relationship with him? We have a daughter.
How am I suppose to feel. I went back to work even though I am in physical pain. But
I could not take that abuse anymore. Can you
tell me what should I do now? My kids hate where we moved to though I kept them in the same school district. Please how should
I be towards him now? I don't know what to do!!!!! BWILD B1: Submit Ok, where to begin...never done "this" before, but need to get this stuff off my chest. Bare with me. don't even read it, just let me say my peace. Thanks!!!
Recently separated from my husband, who is an alcoholic, for starters. When we met, I "thought" he just drank too much, because of his depression problem, failed 1st marriage, and abusive childhood. (I too, have gone through bouts of drinking. Thought it was similar)
Anyway, several problems came up right from the start. His ex-wife had him set-up (really. She's got many friends in high places) So, my husband
spent one year in a federal prison. During this time, I worked three jobs to support us
both and 3 kids) and afford the 5 hour trip to visit him, once weekly.
I guess this is when the red flags went up, concerning his mom. She never once visited him, or wrote. He cried and begged her to bring his children, but she never did. As a matter of fact, she is still, to this day, best friends with this woman. (Now been 6 years ago) During that time, I also found out that she had lied about my husband's natural father. (now it gets bizarre) His "real" dad, is the man she was last married to (recently deceased).
To make a long story short, she is a manipulator, to say the least. She plays the part of the victim, and seeks attention, CONSTANTLY. During the care-taking stage of her dying husband, refused help (but complained that NO ONE would help her). Set this man's death-bed up, in the living room, in front of picture window, with no curtains. (Said none of the 3 bedrooms were
appropriate) Well, during this excruciating time, my husband became very close to this man, (his father), and was his secondary care-taker, and stayed at that house the last 3 months of his life. By the way, he was a drunk, and died from complications from alcohol abuse. In the beginning, I took a great interest, too. That is, until the whining started. "She is so tired, never gets any help, cleaned up pee, 10 times a day (refused to put diapers on him), had to cook dinner for all her sons (all over 30), etc, etc, etc. To top it off, totally put-down her husband's kids, and didn't want them around. After his first, near death, and she invited 30 people over, I called it quits. She "cleaned him up" with everyone watching, all the while preparing a 10 course meal, complaining and getting pity, pity, and more pity. If offering my help (yet not expecting a "party", I had prepared several full meals, and brought them over. The food I made sat, untouched, and unmentioned, while she cooked restaurant-style, taking orders. She never once, offered the food I had brought, right in the oven. Among this crowd, of course, was my husbands' ex wife. Right by her side until his death. (And how she's so broke........) But doesn't have a job. HMMMMMMM????? Needless to say, I didn't step foot in that house again until the day of his funeral. I had never been so humiliated for someone so helpless in my life. I was close to this man, loved him more than she did, probably. He was a drunken idiot, but did not deserve to be on display (just so she could get pity and attention)
I made it through that funeral, and 2 after that. Each one was attended by the ex-wife, who, sat with my mother-in-law at each one (instead of her own son). And she came to every family gathering afterwards, even though the last 2 people, she didn't even know. Well, that did it. I told my husband that I thought it was
ridiculous of her attending these (social?) events, and I left. He rode home with dear old mom.
Two weeks later, tells me he needs a new start. Him and mom took a vacation 1,000 miles away, and while there, she rented him an apartment for his "new" life. He's promised to quit drinking (doesn't drink too often, anymore, but still needs professional help), and get a good enough job so I can quit working. That, he'll make me proud, and will back to get me in about a year, with an all new life for me, in a warmer climate.
What the hell is that about? I don't ever want to see this woman again, for funding this adventure. And, I'm so pissed at him, I can't see straight. I'm left with 3 teenagers (he couldn't stand them, anyway), and all the bills to pay. I work at a very physically demanding job (and I have a chronic illness). He took the new car (I can't afford the payment, too), and left me with a real piece of junk, pick up truck. My son and daughters cars are both broke down. Hopefully getting one fixed in a few days, for me to drive.
Well, now I'm whining. I'm just feeling the the stupid (#$%@!) he always said I was. Just can't believe this is happening. I didn't even speak to him when he left. Right now, I don't ever want to see him again, either. I love him to death, but this is too much. No, he doesn't have a girlfriend, actually, I'm sure his very intention is to do exactly what he said...to make a great life for us. The only difference is, I liked my life right here, in my home (he calls a dump). I'm convinced he won't ever be happy. One of his big problems is his first marriage. She had money to begin with. He had a job making LOTS of money (he lost when he went to prison) and they had won the lottery (I'm not kidding). When they divorced, he gave up his half to her and his kids. Now, we're penny-less, he's got (had) a low-paying job, and (you guessed it) paying high child-support. His ex (and his kids and grandkids, etc) are set for life, and we're living day-to-day. He just can't stand it. He misses the "good life", but I think I had it, without any money. what a mess!
Well, I'll stop here. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest, as I said. I have a lot of anger to deal with. Thank goodness I have a job, and my three kids (even though they drive me crazy), and I can't wait until Spring! Thanks for listening! bye B1: Submit I am a recovering alcoholic. This site has helped me to see some things in myself that
I can admit now was wrong. Verbally abusing my husband by saying things like" grow up and be a man" "think for once" etc etc.. I became so resentful of him and found some things in my life I can't control - people. I didn't think I was
controlling and thought I had some pretty good excuses for abusing- he fails to balance the check book for 2 years almost leaving us
bankrupt now with hearing.. yes I will do soon, don't worry), he
doesn't leave when I had asked him for a month so I can work on my own issues and when he did, he came back twice in three days like nothing happened, he
doesn't do this , he doesn't do that.. I know we have lost respect for
each other and I am working out the hurts and in my own life. One of them is to
say. there is another way than try to control and degrade him.. I am getting a legal
separation for both my sake and his. Also, working out the issues in my own life that I am responsible for in my choices and growth. I cant change him, at this point I will have to go along without him. I want him to have respect for himself and confidence. I have stopped and bit my tongue and said no more in my anger and selfishness. I am just moving on now hoping he will wake up and get the help and understanding he needs to so he can be a whole person. Nothing more to say here.
Terrie B1: Submit Hi,
I am Michael. I loved deeply a lady. One day, she has been posting in her store, a birthday gift list, with the name of all her
co workers, and was the first to write in front of hers she needed a real man. Our relation was good, there was no reason to
do that. I just broke apart, humiliated, but remained silent. She has been doing a lot of humiliating things over one year and a half,
but as long as the great times in our relation were there, I could handle it. The day she started acting in a way to make me brake the
relationship, changing totally behaviour, we got into a fight, and unfortunately, I lost my patience, and slapped her face.
I remained silent at the Court, because I have never had a fight in my life, and it was happening with the lady I have love the most.
She placed a restraining order, but came back with me, and keep sending me to jail each time the relation is not going her way, even
if we never had a fight again. Should I handle any kind of her humiliations, or should I reveal to the Judge the reasons which led me to
that unfortunate fight, handling too much verbal abuse for too long? Thanks for any advice.
B1: Submit Hi Everyone - Just found this website. Answered yes to almost all of the questions about being in an abusive relationship. I am currently trying to get out of it now. I have purchased a home and want to move into it. My husband is going to counseling, admitting he has been wrong all this time, understands my actions, but wants a second chance. He asked that weeks ago and nothing has changed. Says he hasn't changed because he doesn't know where I'm at. That is not true, I told him my feelings are absent, I don't feel the same anymore, and my initiative to keep working at this is not there. I want to
separate and than divorce because I feel it is best for our 10 month old son. He tries to make me feel quilty saying I am ruining my sons life, ruining my husbands dream of a family, etc. I feel very strongly that I am doing the right thing, but the quilt gets to me. B1: Submit Dear Dr. Irene:
Nearly 18 years of marriage to the father of my children has become more and more difficult. I'm to the point of walking out but
am so very reluctant to make a move which will permanently damage the well being of my children. My children are 16 and 14; a
difficult time for them without trouble at home. Extremely difficult for my husband and I to join forces and work through
the parent/teenager relationships. Even more difficult when my husband starts the name calling on top of heavy drinking.
Anyone who visits this site probably knows all too well about my story. But, I need advice and counsel on what to do next!
Let me give you the facts:
Both of us had been married previously. I was married for 7 years, no children. He was married for 3 years with one child. A
terrific son who will turn 20 this year. I am two years older than my husband and we married when I was 30!
Our first year together was stormy and while I questioned the future of the relationship, like all new couples, I hoped he would
change. After work we would meet at a bar and our dinner would be hoursdovers. We both drank far too much, but he more
than I. I grew up with an alcoholic father and knew what drinking could do to a relationship. When my husband drinks, he
becomes very angry, hateful, uses hateful and fowl language.
After two years of marriage, I got pregnant with our daughter. Her first year of life was difficult as I so wanted to be the
perfect mother and care for her, she was a very colic baby and demanded holding, coddling and a lot of attention. I was happy
to give it to her, but she had a special desire for her father to do the holding as opposed to me. I absolutely took it personally
and thankfully outgrew the jealously when our son was born a year and a half later.
My husband WAS a good father. He was very attentive to the kids, helped change their diapers, cooked, cleaned and HAD a
wonderful sense of humor. As all alcoholics, when they are sober, can be wonderful people. He uses the "F" word frequently,
calls not only me but the children hateful names, uses totally inappropriate language at any time regardless of who is present
and takes great joy in himself that he has the power to speak so frankly regardless of who is there to hear.
His drinking is daily and has become my habit as well. My PMS, according to my husband, is the sole source of his hatred for me.
When he is at his worst, he loves to push the "education" button. He completed college, yet I feel he cannot speak or even spell
with competence. His grammar is horrible and uses words in sentences which he cannot accurately pronounce. However, when
he feels threatened by me, he thrives and boasts his education and that I am merely a high school
graduate.
I believe he is threatened because I have worked for the same company for 27 (long and difficult) years. I now earn about 5 weeks
of paid vacation per year. I work long hours trying to stay ahead of my younger, college educated peers. I do not have a significant
position of authority at work, but am well respected. My husband and I have stopped socializing with any of my friends from work
because as the more he knows about them, the more he citizens me for this relationship. He
uses these dear people that I rely on
throughout each work day as a source for his verbal attacks.
My husband is self employed as a consultant and has to rely on selling himself in order to receive work. I think he is well
respected in his field, but recently I learned he was "fired" due to poor work habits. Unfortunately, I do see my husband
taking naps daily, working at his leisure, available to play golf at a moments notice and brags to me about how he was able to
charge his clients for a full day's work when he only put in a few hours. We completely disagree about our each others work
ethic. He thinks I'm a fool for putting in 12 hours a days and I often tell him how I think he is cheating his clients for work not done.
The trouble has been brewing for quite some time and we often talk...the morning after about what we need to do to save the
relationship for the sake of the kids. But, scheduling of counseling, or going to the lawyers to draw up divorce papers never happens.
Tonight takes the cake and I just cannot put my hand on the triggering event. Although, when my 16 year old
daughter is in a "mood"
the rest of the family quite frankly suffers from it. When she is mad, the rest of us are on edge with one another.
My daughter changed her high school this year as a sophomore so she could be with the friends she had in middle-school. Her
first year of high school (freshman) was difficult for her, thus making it difficult on us. It was agreed if her grades were 2.5 or
better, she could change schools. She almost lived up to the agreement yet, my husband and I could not agree on if she could/could
not change schools. Changing schools seems to have made her happier but is now killing my husband and I due to her love affair with
a black man. Any comment made in the household now is interpreted as a "radial" slur. Indeed, when my husband drinks, the
comments made by him are radial. While I am accepting of this relationship slightly better each day, my husband (who actually
started out OK with the situation) has turned bitter and hateful. I know I hope she will have many boyfriends during her high
school/college years, she has now been with the same boy (a year older) for over 8 months.
What happened tonight was sheer hatred toward me. I came home from work and immediately had to take my daughter to her dance
class. My husband was enroute to take our son to basketball. When we met back home, he started calling me every hateful name in
the book. I finally tried to retreat to our bedroom and watch television there until the kids needed to be picked up. He followed
me relentlessly telling me what a hateful, ignorant person I was and wondering when I would be going to the lawyers office to get the
divorce papers. When the kids came home, they immediately sensed something was up and both went to their separate bedrooms
to escape the language. I remained absolutely quite and would not respond to his verbal abuse against me. I have learned something
after all these years. I also went up to bed. Moments later my husband comes barging in our bedroom (after yelling at each child to
perform some ridiculous task), turns the TV to a different channel and sits on the bed in such a manner that I am unable to see the TV
at all. Then, he decides he does not like the electric blanket (which heats up separately for each side) and rips it off the bed. Because
the wiring was such, it overturned my nightstand, the telephone and my clock went flying
and he proceeded to kick me out of the bed-
room telling me to sleep on the couch downstairs.
Our home was my husbands from his previous marriage. My condo was repossessed (the 80's bank
balloon payment disaster which
I was a victim of). Poor financial advice given to me by my husband which totally destroyed my credit. After the condo was
repossessed, my husband took out a loan against my retirement fund to purchase the condo IN HIS NAME solely. I did not learn
about this until all of the papers were signed and the real estate was in his name.
I'm finally to the point that I don't want to take this abuse nor his drinking any longer. But I need help in understanding what is it
I need to do next? Should I get out of the relationship? Where can I move with the children so they may attend
their same schools? Should I even worry about the children at this point? Should I leave him and the children behind? I don't
believe I can financially afford to live elsewhere where the children and I would be comfortable. I'm very scared and feel alone.
I've always relied on him to balance the checkbook, to deal with the taxes, to arrange all financial decisions. I am totally
clueless about our finances. Where should I begin?
Karen
1/31/01
B1: Submit My life story took a drastic turn 32 years ago. I was just sixteen years old and it happened the day that a twenty year old guy decided to rent the same field for his horse, that I had mine in. It wasn't until some time later that I found out he did that to meet me. I was sixteen at the time. Of course it didn't take much to turn the head of a silly horse crazed teenager. He had a job, a car, a horse and was out of school. Soon we were spending all our free time riding together. If I had known then what I know now, I would have seen the signs immediately and ran. He was cruel to his horse, his dog and to eventually to me. But, he had that car, that horse, that job and that age difference so he had power, at least in my silly young way of thinking. By the time I had finished school and turned eighteen we had agreed to part. At the same time my parents were moving to a different city and thought I should be old enough to be on my own or go live with him. I took the latter even though he did it grudgingly. Of course I immediately got pregnant. I had been a virgin until that time. Pregnant, sick, lonely, emotionally and physically abused I thought my life was over. I had such dreams for myself before I met him and somehow they were now covered under a mass of despair. I hated him, I hated being pregnant with his child, I was sick for nine months. In those nine months he left me numerous times to go have affairs, my disgust of him grew until I couldn't stand looking at him. I left and went home to my parents. I had decided to give my daughter up for adoption, my parents wouldn't let me. Again if I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have listened to their reasoning, it had nothing to do with how I strongly felt. I had her, I kept her, he came back and married me and moved us away from everyone. It was the darkest days of my life. A child I didn't want, a man I hated and who was so violent to me that I wonder now how I survived and I was living in the depth of despair every day.
It all came to a head a few months after her birth, I had to go in for a serious operation in another city. I left my daughter with my parents and he then dropped me at the door of the hospital and left me there. Literally. I was there for two months, the nurses kindly gathered enough money to pay for a bus ride home for me. I then left and moved back to my parents once again. Got into college and then into a job in town. My mother looked after my daughter, in fact my daughter became more like my mother's daughter than she was mine. This happened for a couple of reasons. Between my two months in hospital, six month recovery and the fact that I was a still only nineteen and living with my parents. They just took over all the control and power of being more like her parents then I was. I
couldn't' make decisions for her, they over rided, they had all the money and the desire to have a baby back in their house so I became more like a pseudo mother. I also started working full time so my time with her was very limited compared to the time my mother had her. Within a couple of years I moved out and got us a little apartment but my mother still did the babysitting. By the time I got home with her it was bedtime for her so I don't think bonding was happening. I also think I had so much anger and resentment at this time for getting pregnant, keeping her and being married and divorced by age twenty that I couldn't even comprehend how my life could go so wrong. Within four years I re-married, this time I married a man that was twenty two years older than myself. He loved kids so he basically became her father. He was a workaholic and in being one I almost became one. I worked full time at my job and then helped run his job the rest of the time seven days of the week for years. He also was very violent. To the outside world we had it all, nice house, lots of money, animals, everything that many people envy. Inside my house I was living with someone so violent that I was lucky to get out alive. Meanwhile, my daughter's bio-dad dragged had re-married and decided he wanted custody now, so for years we battled in courts spending thousands of dollars. I may not have been overjoyed having a child but I couldn't let her go live with him because I knew he was an alcoholic drug addict and so I had to fight for her life. Then at the age of thirty my husband just dis-appeared, literally disappeared. He made us sell our house and everything in it with the promise of buying a bigger house but on moving day he just kept right on going. No
explanation, no nothing. I ended up with some of my stuff back at my parents house and close to a breakdown. I was shocked. In one day I went from having a nice house, lots of money, and married to having nothing. My income was a
pittance compared to what his was and then to be back in my parents home was a nightmare. I
couldn't go anywhere else because he had also taken all the money with him. I don't know to this day where he is. It took a year at my parents house to recover. I again got enough money together to go rent a house back out by where our other house was. That way my daughter could at least have the same friends, school and be close to her horse. I now had been divorced twice and I was thirty years old. Five years later I was swept off my feet by a younger man this time. I guess I was dazzled by his attention and the fact that I could rescue him and probably also the fact that he was younger and I could have the control played into it. My daughter hated him, but he was great to her, she just didn't think we needed anyone else in our life and was going to do everything she could to make our house a living hell. She succeeded. Her daily fights and dis-respect to him finally made him run not walk away. Now that she's old she regrets doing that but at that time she was a teenager and thought she knew everything and had all the power. So there I was again, now I was thirty seven and divorced for the third time. This time I didn't date for six years. I changed my life, grew much more introspective, searched for answers to my problems and turned my life completely around and into the person I had always wanted to be but didn't know how to be. After the sixth year I thought I was ready to find someone and I thought I received an answer to my prayers. I met my current man and we fit like a hand in a soft leather glove. Neither of us had children at home anymore. We both had incomes that allowed us to travel, to enjoy life, to enjoy each other and to explore the world. We did do exactly this. We lived together, walked together, loved together, did everything we could together. We had both waited our whole lives to
bearable to do this. He had been in a twenty five year loveless marriage and had put in his time until the sons were grown. Once they were in college he had to leave. I met him two years after the fact. I loved the way he treated his ex with much respect, fairness and went over and above to do everything to make the divorce
amicable. It was a journey for both of us. He had never been single and so we explored life together. We lived as man and wife for four years and were to be married last spring. Then something happened, I don't know what that something was, I guess I may never know what that something was but I just know that one day we were preparing for our future with much gusto and excitement and the next week he bolted. I mean literally bolted. In talking to him in the after math of this
divesting event he just said that he couldn't do it. That it was something in him that was saying "no". I have tried every way possible to try and understand this, it has made no sense to me, I have no idea what it was inside of him that wouldn't allow him to
commit at the last minute and to not only not commit but to run out of our lives a week before we were to be married. BUT, I guess it's one of life's unanswered questions that I will live with. If I hadn't found this site last summer, I almost don't believe I could have survived the grief. It literally was my salvation. Him and I had worked so hard on figuring out our lives, reading all the books,
analyzing our weak points, trying to correct them and best of all showing gratitude and love in every way we knew how, every day to each other. Obviously, he lived a dual inner life because the outer one was working along side of me into a wonderful future. The inner one with it's inner dialogue that never got shared with even me is the only one with the real answer. In my life I don't know how to believe, trust or feel that way ever again. At this point it seems impossible but I'm trying. How does this
happen, I just don't know. I guess I have to search deeper to see how my reality was different from his reality. In figuring that out, maybe I will come up with the answer. His last day in the house he just turned to me and said "something inside of me just somehow believes that I can do better for myself than by settling for you." That statement will haunt me for a long, long time. I am trying hard to get it out of my head but it is so hard to believe that he deep down truly thought that, that it has crushed my spirit. Now I pray for God to restore me to where HE wants me. B1: Submit I wrote a very long time ago about my first marriage and the
verbally abusive, as well as physically abusive marriage I was in. I was able to get away after 24 years and start a new life. I went to counseling and read many books during and after my divorce. The one thing that kept coming up in counseling and reading was "Trust your feelings" You know we have those gut feelings that tell us something is wrong. The first man I met after my divorce was wonderful and charming, and I ignored those gut feelings....It is harder when they are so attentive, and
verbally abusive just once in a while, and then soooo sorry. I had those gut feelings with the first man I dated after the divorce, but I again ignored those feelings.....for a while at least, but I woke up....I spent too much time with my ex, and just could never go there again....then, recently, I met another man,,,he was not as attentive, a good point my mother told me...it is as it should be,,,afterall, the first two men in my life were charmers, then turned the anger on to control...this guy, on the other hand was not a charmer, what you see, is what you get,,,I learned in counseling that my mom was a source of me not trusting my feelings.........she always denies my reality......anyway,,,I kept getting gut feelings about this guy, but again I kept doubting myself...I played quite an internal dialogue over this guy,,,he loves me, he loves me not...this is normal,, right?? my mother says it is...it does not matter that he does not treat me the way I want to be treated.,,,,my sister-in-law told me I was too picky...it feels wrong, I am too picky, it is how it is suppose to be. Wow, guess what, all those gut feelings I had about this guy,,,the ones that I kept trying to ignore...they are true. Listen to your feelings. Listen to your gut instincts....If it does not feel right, it is not right. I realize, I meet a guy, and I try to make it work. It may be all wrong, but I just keep trying to make it work. My lesson, trust those feelings......You know if you are being treated wrong. You feel it......listen to those feelings. B1: Submit I just found this site and am so grateful there is a name for this thing that's been making me so unhappy for so long. I am married 14 years to an alcoholic/verbal abuser. He got sober after one year of marriage and I became a faithful Alanon member, but after the children were born, we both drifted from the program, he more than I. I still went sporadically to meetings and talked to my sponsor, who is still a dear friend. But he stayed sober for eight years without AA. Starting drinking again four years ago and in earnest two years ago,
escalating to uncontrolled drinking and marijuana use the last two years. The drinking was bad, but the worst part was his constant harassing of me that I needed help, I was sick, I was abnormal, my sex drive was abnormal, he wasn't being unfaithful to me, just trying to make me jealous. I was so depressed until finally back in October I went to a therapist and she thought maybe I was being verbally abused and intimidated. It was like the light broke! I started becoming more assertive and I think that's why the alcohol abuse got worse after that. So we are separated now. I am hoping that therapy will cure his problem, but I just wonder, does it ever really work? I haven't heard many success stories, just "Three months later, he was back to his old tricks." I need feedback on that. I'm not sure I'm up to going through this all again, or putting the kids through it. The last two weeks, the game playing is already in full swing, "Your mother says we have to separate. She needs six months," always making me the bad guy. He turns them against me and then agrees it is wrong to do that and he won't do it again. So I'm going to be very cautious because I don't want to do this again a year from now. My therapist knew what was going on, but he doesn't like her (wonder why!) so we are starting a new one. Hope this one is very familiar with this problem; if not, I will go back to old one, even if she is more expensive and I have to borrow money to do it. But tell me, is there hope? Do they ever recover? And how can you really tell when they lie so much? B1: Submit Hi, I have been struggling with this issue for years. In fact I have always thought my husband was selfish and treated his mother really badly. He was always making her feel worthless and stupid and she never said anything to stop it. I was determined that I would not stand for this kind of treatment and I told him he needed to treat his mother better. This was 10 years ago. Little by little he began to do the same things to me, only it was different and much more subtle. He would say things like "Oh
don't worry about me you just go out and have fun, I don't mind staying home alone." Then when I would go he would throw it in my face every time we had an argument. "All you care about is yourself and your friends, they are more important than me." What he never admitted though was I always asked him to come along but he wouldn't. He started to do this with everything I did. We would go out (with his friends because he would never go out with mine) and when we were driving home he would say things like "Why did you say that to Bob, what is wrong with you?" "All of my friends think you are a b----!" He would tell me not to behave a certain way because everyone else didn't like it. "Why cant you just shut up and not tell everyone your opinion all the time, people don't like that they will stop hanging around with us." Then he would start a fight or treat me badly and say it was all my fault when I got angry and reacted to his treatment. He blamed everything on me, our bad sex life especially. He was the only man I had ever been with and he said things like "you have a problem and you need to go see someone about it, none of my other girlfriends had a problem."
It went on from there. He started calling me names. He had been pressuring me to move in with him and finally used something I did to convince me that I should do it. We moved in together and were going on a weekend trip. It was my job to do the food shopping for our camping trip. He had casually mentioned he wanted some type of chicken and I went shopping. When I came back I realized I had forgotten the chicken. He went into a rage, saying that I was useless and that I was stupid and how could I forget the chicken, what was wrong with me. I was confused and angry. I really didn't think it was that big of a deal I thought we could just pick it up on the way, but he insisted that I was committing some kind of crime and I went back to the store and got the chicken. I felt horrible for going back, I knew that what he had just done was wrong but I couldn't fight back because I felt like someone just punched me in the stomach hard. This type of thing continued and finally I confronted him and told him he was abusive and that it needed to stop. I even left him for one month and he started to change. I went back and said we needed counseling. I picked a counselor that and we went twice. He said that the counselor was an idiot and that "I picked the wrong counselor." How could I have picked this person that was not a Psychologist but a "social worker", obviously I really didn't care about our relationship and he wasn't going anymore. I left again, and went back. I am struggling because this past weekend we got into a fight because I was not doing as much housework as he was. He got angry and called me names like stupid and so on then he threw the remote control across the room and broke it. He has also broken my car window and kicked a dent in my car in the past. I realize that he is abusive but I also realize that I have done
allot to contribute to this relationship going bad. I have reacted badly and exhibited major passive aggressive behavior. I have been too scared to talk about how I feel for fear of being yelled at or called crazy. I know I need to take responsibility but I just am not sure what to do next. It helps to read what others have been through. I just still feel like I need to do more and I am not sure why. I really don't even think I like him anymore. I know it would be wise to leave and I want to leave but I just would like to know if there is something I can do before I leave. B1: Submit This Monday, after the most wonderful year of my life, my
fiancée calls suddenly and tells me we are through..I really had no hint. We've been through
allot and always bounced back. She claims she doesn't love me anymore? Yet our being together was so unlikely it was surely a miracle. She was all I had wanted, and more than I imagined. I have never met another girl on the face of the earth like her, and I was convicted she was the only one for
me. She says thing about us needing to get our lives together. I agree there, but I cannot believe that after what has transpired, that there is not some spark of love deep inside her, and WHY she would not just SAY that instead of just stabbing me through the heart with saying she doesn't love me. We are a match, and she has turned down others to stay by me. She has also been through abuse and problems, and there is a
counselor helping her through some abuse issues. I don't know if this is something the counselor could have done to her, she had just had a session the day before she
called. sometimes those things can make you a bit unable to think rationally. I don't know how she could "not love me." She's had numerous opportunities to dump me, but we always worked it
out. all I wanted from life was her, and now it's as if I only can taste it then it
flies away. She's the only woman I can love, so
please. pray this is just temporary and that inside she really does love
me. I could take separation for a time, if only I knew she loved me just a
little. Do any of you have experiences like this? I wonder if maybe the
counseling is just making her feel so guilty or confused that she just really wants to step back until she is emotionally better, because I CANNOT believe she just turns off love that fast, and the day she went for counseling, she talked to me before, and she was just as loving as
ever. it's pretty hard to fake adoration?? Anyhow, this counselor is the type of person that would probably be prying into OUR
history. she, she's had several bad guys. and I am concerned if she tells this
counselor about some of our arguments, this lady might get the wrong
idea. especially since most of the guys before me were only interested in sex, and I am afraid if it comes out that we have been slightly physically intimate, this woman might think I'm the same as all the others. NOT HAVING A REASON FOR ANY OF THIS IS SO HARD...anyone have ANY advice to offer??
B1: Submit I have been married for 30 years. I was very young when I married. For the first several years we had a good time and I remember happiness. I had a short affair eleven years into the marriage. I think now I was seeking something that was not present in the marriage and acting out a bit because I had been so young when I married. I am ashamed of that behaviour. I went to therapy. I asked my husband to come to, but he refused. He did admit that he had been distant and felt partly
responsible. I have tried to talk to him about this, but he never has really talked about it. After this, he began to be more present in the relationship.
Nine or ten years ago, I began to become "conscious" of the unhealthy pattern of verbal abuse in our relationship. We would be trying to make a decision about something. He would become angry. I would try to talk to him about he conflict. He would become angrier. I would end up apologizing often to "keep the peace." There would be a period of several days of him sulking and not talking. (Again, taking his bad behaviour out on me)! There is never any apology for his behaviour and never any resolution to the conflict because of his refusal to discuss it or his escalating anger. I was in
allot of emotional pain. I felt very alone. I went back into counseling. I was shocked to hear my counselor use the term "verbal abuse." I believe that I thought I was in a "normal" relationship. My parents had an abusive relationship, and I thought that every marriage has its "ups and downs."
By this time we had had three children. I had always worked part time and depended on my husband's income for support. I began to work on myself and to read
allot. Patricia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," came to me as I looked through a bookstore's shelves. I realized that my husband uses just about every tactic in that book! He especially rages at me, yelling with intense anger. Later he
withholds and refuses to discuss any arguments, so nothing is ever resolved. If I try to talk about anything he accuses me of "nagging" and starting another argument. Often his anger escalates or he storms out of the house and leaves. (He always returns in a few hours though)!
He has occasionally thrown things at me. I feel I am walking on eggshells, because I never know when he will get upset. I can never "do the right thing." I have begun to have panic attacks and have difficulty sleeping, I realize this is have an effect of my health as well as on my mental health.
An innocent conversation can become an argument. He often counters everything I suggest, although he accuses me of never "partnering" with him and supporting him and often says I am calling him "an asshole." (Which I have never done). Everything is difficult. I feel so much emotional pain. I am an intelligent, creative woman, but I do not seem to be able to make a decision to leave.
He has tries to control all our income. I am always in trouble for spending too much (on groceries)! He got angry the other day because I had my eyes examined and thought the optician had charged too much. I have noticed that everyone else is a jerk and nothing anyone does is ever good enough. Professional relationships almost always end up with him getting pissed off at the other person for some reason. He seems to be addicted to anger.
I am very empathetic ( an artist and a Gemini), and I feel sorry for him. His mother is extremely verbally abusive. I believe they both may have Borderline Personality Disorders. I have pointed out that his behaviour towards me is very much the same as his mothers behaviour. (Of course, that only causes more anger). (Is this abusive on my part)? The other day he was complaining about his boss yelling at him and telling me he almost quit his job. When I responded that it is not nice to be yelled at, he said "I get it," in an angry tone and stomped off angrily.
I suppose this is complete denial. Although sometimes I can see that it is fear that he is covering up with the rage, and his own lack of decision making that he tries to put back on to me somehow.
I have focused on myself and I have grown through all of this and the help I have sought. I now have a wonderful job. I opened my own checking account and got a credit card to establish some financial
independence. This was difficult, there was allot of raging over this, as you can imagine! I keep a few hundred dollars in my checking account each month , but put the main part of my salary in a joint checking account. He has an IRA in his name that he puts in a separate account that only he has control over. He told me the other day that I was selfish and taking money away from things the family needed, like our children's education by doing this! I did get the card without asking his opinion or permission. This was after he had refused to discuss where I was going to get some money from for an out of town business trip I needed to go on for my job and I decided that I could not be put in that kind of situation again.
I have allot of friends, go out on my own with other girlfriends and am active in the community.
Intellectually, I know that I would be fine, better off in fact, not to live in this confusion and pain. However, I do not seem to be able to leave. I am about to get support from a therapist and try to find a support group and get the courage up to leave. I feel so sad that I have stayed in this relationship for so long, hanging on to the hope that it would improve, that he would be able to accept responsibility for his behaviour and work to change. I am at the point where I can see that that is never going to be the case and I believe that the emotional and physical cost of living in such a stressful environment is too high a price to pay. I do worry about my children though. He is a good father to them and doesn't act out on them the way he does on me. Although his "bad moods" sometimes leach out onto them.
I am also afraid. I fear he will be very abusive when I leave. I am afraid that he may try to prevent me from getting a fair share of our savings. I am afraid because I do not have any family in this country. I worry about how the divorce will hurt my children, although I know that they are being hurt because they sense the tension and hear the arguments.
Thanks for listening.
B1: Submit Okay I really need some feedback. I have written once before but not on the board. I was married when I was sixteen to a man that was 21. I was not pregnant at the time when we married, I had my first child when I was 19. I got married to him because my parents were divorced and I didn't really have any structure to my life and I met him he was cute and nice and could take care of me. But when I married I didn't realize that I would be losing all my friends. And it wasn't really of the fact that I was married it was because they all disliked the way he talked to me.
I would tell me that I was stupid and dumb and that I would never go anywhere in life. So when I was working I asked a lady at work if was wrong to buy something without having your husbands okay? She said no. Well that started it for me. When he would be mean to me I would go out and buy me something to make me feel better. Well that turned into
allot of money. I got a job in another town and was making good money, actually more than him!!! He found out one day about all the bills and asked why I had done this. When I told him that it was because of the low self-esteem he gave me, he would not take responsibility for it. That it was only my fault and no one
else's. So then at the job that I had I began to steal money from them, and I was in about 15,000, then my world came apart and he found out that I had be stealing and he and my mom got the money and paid my job off. So, he left me and filled for divorce but wanted to make it work and so I went back. I got another job and he said that he would give me money that I was not to handle the checkbook, but that pissed me off I guess because I thought he was controlling me again. Well I took 4300 and went to jail this time. But he still managed to stay buy me. I went to debtors
anonymous and that was great, I didn't know that they had a program like that. That saved me.
Well we still managed to stay together and he was still verbally mean to me. So then I found out that he was seeing someone else but he will not
admit to sleeping with her. But I believe in my heart and the signs that he did. So I
decided to make it work and gave it 100%. And he knows this. But now I am so
confused that I don't want to be married to him anymore. My
friends and family have told me that they don't know how I have stuck it out this long. That he is not a nice person. He went to school at a late age and I did everything I took care of everything, I use to be a very
fragile person, but the last year I have become very strong and I feel like it is time for me to leave. My kids are wanting me to leave too! That's bad. They don't like to be alone with him when I am at my second job (which he made me get).
I told him in July that I was not happy and I wanted to move out and I couldn't find a place to leave so I stand and we met with the pastor, which was a joke. He kept saying marriage is for better or worse, well hell if it's bad I'm not staying. So now I have tried to make myself make it work and I just can't seem to get passed all the years that he was mean and then he takes it out on the kids and they don't like him either. They are happy when he goes out of town. When your kids tell you "mommy your not happy you need to be happy" that
should tell me something. I have found a house and they are holding it for me, so now I just have to get the balls up to leave. But I don't want to hurt him, why I don't why. My mom always tells me that it's my decision and whatever I do she is behind me but she says that I need to get those girls out of there.
He was off one day and I knew he was on the internet and my 14 year old daughter got on that night and pulled the drop box and saw
pompon with like 3 or 4 hits. So I told her to close it and we would look at it later, so the next morning we pulled it up and the first sight was teen porn, which about killed my daughter. She changed it quickly and we looked at the others briefly but that just has about killed my daughter she has cried and cried. She doesn't want her daddy looking at those things. I feel like he is looking because I don't want to have sex with him, only on the weekends and once at that. He know that I have distance myself from him, but I guess he doesn't want to
admit failure. He is in a very high position just in the last few weeks and I hate to leave him right now, but I feel like that this is a sign. The house I have spoken for has been vacant for a year and me and my daughter would always walk by it and I would tell myself that that would make us a good house. Well it's mine now! Now I just have to find the balls to break this mans heart. Any
replies will be appreciated. michellebise@hotmail.com B1: Submit Hi, 2 months ago I left a man who I was with for 3 years. He had become verbally abusive. I left him for another man. The man I am with now is from Venezuela and was very charming in the beginning. Well in the last 2 months I have come to fall in love with him and he with me. But we have realized that he gets very mean when he drinks, and is obsessive with me. We get into arguments if I talk on the phone when I get home from work, if I leave work early, or if I am late from work, if I have a friend over. He gets me to where I am an emotional mess. Then he apologizes. He said he doesn't want to lose me and will go to
counseling which he starts next week. But I don't know what to do. He tells me he cannot live without me that he realized he has a problem and wants me to help him get help. I can't turn my back on him.. but like last night my best friend came over at 9:30 at night crying. I spent 45 minutes helping her to feel better. When I went back to bed (he stays with me) he started on me. "Why don't you just go sleep with your friend then!" He goes into these cruel verbal tantrums but after he gets over them he cries and begs for my forgiveness. I know I am vulnerable right now, but I
don't know what to do. He needs my help and I feel love for him as he is a really incredible man when he isn't drinking or acting like this. The other thing is that he wants sex
every night maybe 3-4 times a day. If I don't give it to him he will throw a tantrum and leave the room. He also says he has a problem with this also. He says he just needs to feel that I love him and that I have no other men in my life. I told him I cannot give up my entire life for him. He says I don't understand because he has nobody in this country except for me. If I were in Venezuela I would feel differently he says if it were the other way around. But sometimes, when we have sex it hurts me ( I get sore) and he does it anyway. I do it so I don't have to see him get mad and throw a child-like tantrum. I am in therapy but he told me if I go to my therapist again he was going to leave him. So I told him to leave then. But he didn't. Everyday it is something like this. But once he gets over it he is so wonderful ... Am I crazy???? What is going on?? Should I hang in there while he goes to therapy? He seems so depressed that he is so jealous and wants so badly to change. He doesn't have a car or anything as he is a tourist here. So I take him everywhere and do so much for him. He says he is praying to God
every night to help him to heal and be a better man with me. He is the one who asked me to make an appt. with a therapist. What do I do?? I love him so much. B1: Submit Dear Dr. Irene,
I just discovered your web page last night when I was despite to talk to someone and just needed advice and a guiding hand. I am sitting here thinking to myself "WHY?" And I don't have an answer! I don't know why your husband of almost 8 years can tell you he loves you one minute and call you names another minute. I have worn bruises, but they go away. The name calling does not go away. It sticks to me like glue. I wish sometimes I didn't care and words would not hurt
me. I wish I knew that I was doing the right thing by getting out of this relationship. I do not have any children because of this. It
wood not be fair to little person to suffer and hear the yelling and abusive words. Please help me, I know this is not right but why can he not stop and realize what is going on. My husband told me the reason he calls me names is because he calls what he sees in front of him. He said he likes to be mean so I will stay away and leave him alone.
This is not Love B1: Submit I lost my best friend some time ago. Wrapped in addiction, lost to the demons of her sole. Not afraid to reach out and herself be found, she took faiths hand and walked to its sound.
I wrote that 20 years ago, right after I got out of treatment, for freebasing cocaine. Those words were so real to me then. I had, lost myself, but I really didn't know
it, like I thought I did. I was just a party girl. I liked to get
high. Cocaine did get a hold and it took me 2 years of in and out of treatment centers and half way
houses, to let go of it. I new I couldn't do coke again. It scared me to think of spending another 9 months in my room, hitting that pipe.
I didn't look like I thought a drub addict should look. Hanging around dark,
musty, hallways of tenement buildings, wasn't where I was at. Yet I knew
I had a problem. Drugs and emotional problems haunted my whole life.
I lost my best friend some 2 years ago. Afraid to reach out and say she needed help, she dug in deep
and ever since she hasn't felt. Threes no hand taking
horseshoes kept a secret, I don't think its what she deserves. She wont look in the mirror and see
its not her anymore its we.
My nightmare is back. I'm smoking crank and I cant stop. I don't know if I can keep fighting and waging a war on something
that's so strong. There wasn't anyone that knew at
all, until a week ago. I wrote on another webs site,
just to ask about the withdrawals Id experience, when I stopped. I couldn't ask anyone I knew. I see a shrink, I have a
counselor that visits me at home once a week, I have
family and friends. There wasn't anyone that knew me well
enough, to know I was in trouble. I wanted them to be mind readers ,I
guess. My nightmare is back and this time its waging a war on me. I know what I am. I also know that I was never going to work at getting
clean, if I picked up again. I would not tell anyone. I couldn't stand to see my kids
disappointed faces. I didn't want to hear the judgment in their voices, and I
surely didn't want to see the backs of their heads as they walk away, and maybe not come back. I can't stop. I can't stop.
I'm tired of my demons and shadows haunting me. I'm tired of being an island. I just don't know if I have it in me to go it again. Besides my drug addition to
meth, I have a mental illness.At times it keeps me from being able to do things I need to do.
I had lived with my boyfriend for 8 years. He took care of the things, I couldn't. I left him in July or June of this year. Crank does help me to get up and get out.
I'm afraid to lose that ability. No excuse, plain fact is, it helps. I did finally tell my counsler the other day. She was shocked. My shrink and her, had just told me of my wonderful changes
I have been making. I looked so bright eyed, I was getting out to the
store, spending time doing little things, that at one time would of been milestones for me. I knew the
truth. So now, I'm telling you. I wanted to try to be honest and straight forward, but sometimes that fear pops up and it changes everything for me. I am afraid of the
withdrawals. I heard that it could be bad. I also heard that the chances of staying away from crank weren't real good. Hellloooooo, are you there. Are you
listening. Are you hearing me. Please Don't turn away.
There's already been to many days of sliding thru time hoping things will get
better, yet knowing they won't. I'm strung out on crystal methamphetamine. I cant stop. I don't want to go it alone. If need
be, I'll wage another war. I won't throw in the white flag. I know this is my battle, I am just scared and afraid of doing it alone again.
I'm done now.
I'll see how tomorrow is. B1: Submit Please read my story at the end of this email and let me know how you can help me.
My pastor told me that Buddy fits the profile of a sociopath, one who has no guilt, no remorse, and don't believe he is ever wrong.
I contacted police and the district attorney asking them to investigate Buddy's sexual affair with the 17 year old and prosecute him for statutory rape, but they are very luke warm, saying how they have enough current cases involving 14 and 15 year olds, so they don't have time to research into a case involving a 17 year old who has now turned 18.
This man needs to be punished, or needs to seek psychiatric help, I believe he is insane!!! One time I did suggest Buddy to seek
counseling, his reply was that 'My only problem is that I'm just too smart for this world.'
Cheers
Judy
When I met Buddy, I thought I was in heaven. He is charming, handsome, and extremely brilliant. He went to Harvard University, he is the founder of a pharmaceutical company in Silicon Valley, he is from a doctor family, and has distinguished and accomplished sibling who is the CEO of NFL team Tennessee Titans. I loved and adored this man and did my best to be the most loving, caring, attentive, fun, emotionally supportive, financially helpful, sexually exciting girlfriend as one can possibly be. I am the oldest child in my family and he is the youngest in his, so that might explain our behavior in the relationship. We went out for the entire year of 1999, and he broke up with me in early 2000. His parting words were "I know you always wanted to marry me, but I am a special person, you are just a nobody." Needless to say I felt into a severe depression. I recovered after many visits to the therapist, being with good friends, and focusing on my new job. I don't understand how he can be so cruel to me after one year of dating during which he did say he loves me, etc.
In September 2000, I couldn't resist the temptation to call him and it turned out he was happy to see me, so the relationship started again. Then he confessed to me that after he ditched me the first time, he started to have a sexual relationship with a 17 year old girl until she went to school in Boston in September 2000. Buddy is 45, and I'm 37. You can imagine my shock and disgust. His own daughter is 13 years old!!! He cried and said he made a mistake and that how he always loved me and knew
I was the right girl for him, etc. Being a Christian, I forgave him. One caveat -- Buddy says he and the young girl had gotten into a car accident in Boston and walked away from the scene and got charged. His court appearance date was set for January 18, 2001. He said he was afraid the girl would sue him, so he has to be very nice to her until the court hearing is over such that if she wants money, he gives money, if she wants time, he'll see her, if she wants sex, he provides. He says that if I can persevere pass January 18, he will marry me. Being the stupidest woman in love I believed him and also lend him over $200,000 to help him with a financial problem he was having. I waited and waited and January 18 came and went and he got off clean from the charges. On
January 20, I discovered that the girl was still spending the night over at his place!! I rang the door bell and when Buddy ran down, I was very upset and cried and screamed. He couldn't give me a reason why the girl was still sleeping over even though his promised date of January 18 has came and went. Buddy calmed me down by saying that he is very close to dump the girl, and told me to go shopping and start looking at engagement rings, and that he wants to marry me and told me to go home and wait for him for dinner that night.
Well, 9:00pm he showed up, with that 17 year old, and he humiliated me in front of her by saying to me "forget it,
I'm not marrying you, get out of my life." He said he didn't mean it when he proposed to me earlier in the afternoon, that he only said it to calm me down so
I would leave. Keep in mind that at this point he still owes me over $200,000, and has the nerve to dump me in such inhuman manner!!!
My question is, how can a man behave like a beast? I am beginning to think he is not human anymore. It's been so painful that I can't even cry, it's almost like I'm in shock. This man has 2 handicap children, you think he should have more compassion and love within himself to treat people, especially lovers, with tenderness and kindness.
Please help with any advise you may have. I've hired a lawyer to help me get my money back, but the emotional damage and abuse he has inflicted will scar me for life. B1: Submit Verbal abusers may have borderline personality disorder. There is treatment for it. See www.BPDCentral.com B1: Submit 02/13/01
Hi, my name is Robert.
I just discovered this site last week, and I felt some of my prayers had been answered; especially that of understanding the abuser/victim relationship. Dr. Irene M.,Judge and the readers who responded to "Alan's"
story, if you're reading this, thanks for the wonderful web site and information--it has helped me greatly these past few days.
I'm not sure just what sort of learning experience I'm going through, or if I, or the situation, or whatever is wrong, etc., but I have a problem with either accepting a hurt that is present in my life, or perhaps a problem with still looking for an answer while my better intuition waits for my mind to fully comprehend what has, and perhaps is, going to happen regardless.
Here's my dilemma:
I'm a bachelor. Age 51. Never married. Never had children. Would like to get married and have children with the right lady.
I met a single 41 year old female while working together. The female, who I'll call
Candy, was married once, but briefly for all of "2 days" according to her, and was going through a pending divorce from that marriage when I met her.
Candy made the first move. She needed someone to talk to about her ex-husband, pending divorce, "a friend" to help her over her hurt and confusion (which, being the empathetic person I am, let her vent on my shoulder). I never felt for Candy in either a romantic or any other substantial way at the beginning. As Candy became more open with her feelings she also opened up more of her self in other ways; specifically sex--[First red flag that told me to
stop]. I told her that I did not want a relationship, but only hugging and holding (so to speak). She also assured me that is what she also just wanted.
Well, one thing led to another and we both enjoyed making love for several months to each others delight. However, when real talking began to occur, I noticed a lack of true communication--[Another red flag]. This lack of verbal communication often ended up in Candy accusing me of, "You're just like my ex-husband." In good faith all I wanted to do was establish an honest and open communication (something pivotal in any positive, loving and enhancing relationship -- at least that is what I
beloved, and what I had been used to). However, the more I, we, tired to communicate, the more it became obvious "we" just weren't working out--[Another red flag].
I could have walked away at that time, however, and admitting that I have a vice of yearning to make love and hold a woman in my arms (more so with Candy since she freely gave of herself to me), I kept coming back to her and/or we kept finding ourselves back in each others arms (only
again to be followed by tit-for-tat arguments).
Unable to just let the hugging and loving go (call me weak for seeing the "red flags" but not wanting to let the human touch go), we time and time again kept coming back to each other until "we" finally ended up getting pregnant (I say "we" because she got herself pregnant just as much as I helped her at it).
Needless to say Candy wanted me to jump with joy when she first told me of the pregnancy, but instead I felt and said just the opposite; in fact wanting an abortion (which, however, that thought quickly left my mind, but without first expressing it to Candy--which she has yet to forgive me for). Without elaborating on too many more facts (if only for the sake of the reader), we now have a two month old son named Cody, who I feel should not have to suffer for our (or my) mistake in having acted with the wrong head (so to speak) instead of having first pulled away from Candy and re-evaluating the situation clearly prior to her becoming
pregnant.
As of date Candy is apparently still mad at me for failing "to come up to bat" and marry her during the pregnancy (despite my pleas to her that we needed to work on communication etc.) and, she refuses to let me see her or the child. She has also started custody and child support proceedings, and further refuses to give Cody my last name although I have acknowledged him in the court... It appeared that no matter what I tried to do before, during the pregnancy, and after the birth of Cody either: (1) does not make sense to Candy (since she feels, or felt, I have all the problems), or (2) my efforts are either twisted back in my face or I'm told that I'm the one who needs therapy.
We did briefly go to a therapist, and they indicated that I was a gray person, while Candy was a black/white person. I felt somewhat relieved in perhaps understanding the/a core of the problem between Candy and I (in that I would give the benefit of the doubt, but she would often take things either one way or not). However, it was to my great surprise and "Ah-ha" experience in reading about "Alan" on this site (re: abuser/victim scenario) that I felt perhaps Candy and I were in that same sort of relationship.
I have since pondered as to who is/was the victim, and who is/was the abuser in Candy and my past/present relationship; however (and assuming we really are in an abuser/victim relationship), it appears we both are/were at times.
I feel however in my heart that Candy is more of an abuser since throughout our relationship she often mentioned the need to have "control" in her life, needed get her "power" back (indicating that her ex-husband screwed up her head), and that no one would take her power or control from her. In one way I know what she meant by having control of "her" power, but in another way I also saw how she could manipulate other people into doing just about anything she wanted (even resorting to the point of throwing a temper tantrum until getting it).
However, and despite having made in what I believe was good faith effort to listen 100% when she was talking, as well as much effort in trying to communicate with a loving voice, touch and action, I often
felt and still do) that I was walking on egg-shells (something I can now appreciate from reading about Alan), began doubting myself more than normal, as well as felt "confused" following many of Candy's verbal lashing at me in telling me that I was doing something wrong, had the problems, should grow
up, it was my fault, etc., etc.
I now find myself feeling rejected by her (since Candy has told me to leave both she and Cody alone), and, I am having a very hard time accepting the hurt of perhaps it's all over between she and I. I also feel hurt in that Cody needs both a mother a father to grow with (more so the biological parents), but that
opportunity is also being denied a chance by Candy. Her answer to me today is, "Let me see how good you'll be as a father to Cody, and perhaps I might let you talk to me... but, as for "us," we are over."
I know that I can't change another person or their feelings or responses, but I'm at that "dammed it you do,
dammed if you don't" point in my thinking and heart, and maybe just trying to prevent the inevitable hurt.
Perhaps Candy was, and is, really a very together person, and perhaps I was an abuser and didn't even know it. Regardless, if anyone out there has been in a similar situation where the mother of the child refuses to work on "us" anymore, and indicates that she will only allow visitation as deemed by the court in seeing the child, please give me some insight... I'm hoping I'm being too hard on myself and that Candy and I would have never worked out anyway, or that I'm having trouble with rejection, but, if I can make it work out between she and I, that is what I would like... I feel I understand the wisdom of, "you can only be responsible for your own feelings, actions and behavior." However, if Candy is an abuser, that is one thing (assuming she really is for sake of argument), but, if she is not and is only deeply hurt for whatever reason, then I am attempting to err on the side of trying to make it work between us.
Therefore, my question: HOW DO YOU GET INTO THE HEART AND SOUL OF A WOMAN WHO FEELS SCORN, MORE SO, ONE WHO HAS BORN YOUR CHILD AND THINKS YOU'RE A "MANIPULATOR," ETC.?
Thanks for any replies or insight.
Robert
B1: Submit WHY AM I SO DUMB......
I am so glad to have found your site, and know that I am not the only one...
I am 40 and on hubby (or should I say "devil") no.4.....
When I was 18 I married a man of 25, we were married almost 7 years, At that time I didn't drink, worked hard, always seemed to have fun....but a few years later his physical and mental abuse started...At 22 I had our daughter, and I grew up when she was two I left...
Life was very difficult, I had never been on my own, and now had a child, I continued to work, and was consistently having to fight for child support, about a year after our divorce, I meet devil no.3
He was tall dark and handsome.....we dated for a little while and then got married, I soon found out how much he drank, and that he really didn't like kids, or should I say the responsibility of having one, not like having a dog, where you can just come and go as you please...I was living in one state at the time, when I left I went to my parents in another state...a few months later he joins me, again, it want going to work but we decide to move to Atlanta, this is where he was form and I liked the state, think a new start would help we move, it didn't his drinking got worse and the physical abuse started, I left....
Again, on my own and now my daughter was about 6, and I was still having to fight for child support, and trying to work, for awhile I was happy and working 2 jobs, making ends meet, and started going out (to clubs) something I had really never down before, by this time I was nearly 30,
Then I met the Devil himself.....I had been drinking (only learn how to do that a year before) and I was no pro at judging men much less loser.....so I got all wrap up in this one, he was in town for a job, and would be there awhile, well the whole time he was there he was prince charming himself....when the job came to an end he asked if I would go back to the state he was from, so I loaded up the truck and moved the family start into he**.
He was pleasant at first, so I didn't see it coming, then one evening he just doesn't come home, and leaves me and my child, not knowing one sole, the closest store was about 20 miles away and we had no money....when he did show up 3 days later, he acted as though nothing was wrong, and stated pushing me around and throwing things, all settle for a little while and it happened again, I didn't feel safe, and sent my daughter to her father's until I could get us out of there....I got a restraining order which did no good, he would wait on me to get off work and hide into he house, bushed, kick the door in whatever he could.....he broke my arm, busted my nose, would hit me while I was driving down the street, it was terrible........finally I got myself and my daughter out of there...
Now I was happy, until No. 4, we met a few years ago, and I am not sure when he moved in, the next thing I knew he was there, what I didn't know was what was waiting for me.....he is 8 years younger than I......We had separated for a few months, and one day he saw an "ex" in my car....that happened almost 4 years ago, we have now been married almost three, and to this day, I am constantly being accuse of the seeing this guy, which I haven't, he is always , looking thought my things and checking my under clothes....just recently my daughter has turned 18, yep, you guessed, she has decided that she is all grown up and left home....It nearly broke my heart the way it came about, but in a way I couldn't blame her, who wanted, to hang around hearing this man yelling and screaming all of the time....things will settle down, and then he starts again, when she left home the first time and I thought my heart would break in two, he came in one night (had been drinking and said you are such a b*&(), no wonder your daughter left, I bet your dog leaves next.....Just recently we over to a friends house, we had all been out in my Jeep, just driving though the country, he starts to show his butt, screaming and yelling, so I tell him to take me back to the house, we need to pick up our friend's son, anyway, the guys want back out and when got back he was so out of it he didn't know if he was coming or going, when we got home, he starting calling me names and throwing me around, the next morning I found a big dent in the back of my jeep....
last n night he came in and told how miserable I make him and he wants me to leave.....I told him no problem I had every intention of leaving as soon as I found a place and he fixed the truck....he started yelling at me again, and told me that he wasn't fixing the truck....
This morning, he acted as thought nothing has been happening and that he didn't mean anything he said and he downs want me to leave him....
This has been going on with us for nearly 5 years.....I can't take anymore, of course I love him, and I found myself falling right into his trap, you know, the one where I end up screaming and yelling because I can't take it anymore, and then I look like the idiot......
Help me, I can't take this anymore....I can't handle this... B1: Submit January 30, 2001
Dear Dr. Irene:
Thank you for letting me share. Your website has truly been my lifeline for help.
In August 1999, I thought I found my soul mate. Everything was so perfect between us in the beginning few months. Then, a little verbal snip here and there. Nothing real serious. He wanted to "make me over". Oh, he was loving about it. It was all for me. Then another little snip, again, I'd dust myself off, and think, that didn't hurt. Then, snip, snip. Then, another. Then another little snip at me. It didn't hurt. I was tough. Oh, he was my lover, my friend. He was dressing me up and trying to make me over as "his woman." I was his "trophy girl" his "dream woman." We were closer than little bugs, he and I. We were "in love." I was unique, special, his lifeline. However, very subtly, first overt, then covert, the little snips between big snips. They began slowly then, after 6-9 months in the relationship, were daily, constant, relentless. I wasn't "thin enough", "too insecure", "no confidence" "what's the matter Sharon - why do you act so confused?" How come you get so quiet, reserved, defensive? "How come you don't share your opinions?" I was too everything. Or not enough of something. The behavior from him got more and more "bizarre." I felt crazy. Was it me? Hormones? We're we spending too much time together? By this time, this man became a
weird monster and wanted his space - sometimes weeks at a time, because I started asking questions. No questions, he'd say. "I don't do "why" questions, he'd say. My needs were nonexistent, however, his needs were the priority. Sex, sex and more sex! Push me, pull me. Oh, how things were not the same as they were in the beginning! He would pull me in - then get close - then abuse me - and throw me out. I'd stand there stunned as though I'd been shot. Never, I'm sorry for being mean, being cruel, acting
rueful. Just mind games, crazymaking, demeaning, bizarre, twisted, just plain outright cruel behavior.
Finally, I got books, got into therapy. I realized it was the real thing. It was what I thought. I was being abused. I was reading about myself in these books. I had to read about it, feel it, see it, before it finally sunk in that it was not me. I was not crazy, neurotic, or hormonal. I was in a toxic, abusive, addictive "love" relationship. And I was sinking fast!
I told him about it - actually many times over - he could have cared less. He says that people liked his toxic mouth. Nobody else has ever complained to him about it before. This man is 52, an unlicensed psychologist practicing psychology at a young man's institution for the state of California, and never had a real long term relationship with a woman.
Finally, 2 weeks ago, we had a big fight, one which I think could have been avoided but I think he staged (he tested me constantly) - again, to control me, because he now knows "I know." I got strong, started to make him accountable for his behavior, but he was not willing to get help - and all I asked from him was love, trust and respect. He couldn't even do that! And said so! He thinks its OK to verbally assault woman, and push them around when needed. Steal from them and take their souls, kill their spirit and kick them when they are down. He is a confirmed woman abuser. I know about this dragon inside of him now. He can't help himself. He is a 200 lb. boy- man with broken toys.
I think I learned enough about Dr. Psycho and saw enough red flags for a lifetime. Hopefully, this will only happen once to me. Continued therapy, regaining of my personal power and
vigilance will be essential for my success.
Signed -
Wise woman in training
B1: Submit Life just isn't what it should be for this 22-year-old girl. Let's just say that this page makes me feel a bit better as I have endured my father's abuse for all of my life, as has my mother. I am sick of the constant tormenting, the picking fights without
reason and the omnipresence of the f-word for as long as I can remember. I could never have friends over, never stay out or do normal kid's stuff and when I did decide to fill my life up with sports teams and extracurricular activities, my father only swore and complained that he had to take me (as he never stayed to watch in my 15 years of playing)
Things have only gotten progressively worse as I have gotten older and I fear that I am going to explode quite soon from the constant fit taking that he is all-too-ready to trigger. He always has to be right and God forbid if my mother and I do anything wrong, the whole neighborhood learns of it while also learning a few new choice words. I thought that I could deal with it, but the more and more my mother and I endure it, the closer and closer I come to blowing up. We walk on eggshells here and both my mother and I celebrate when he goes away on business. Lately, his screaming has gotten so loud and threatening that I am forced to drop what I am doing and go stand in the middle of them as I am afraid that he will get violent. This is not a
healthy life for a girl my age, or any age.
I want to get on my feet so I can take my mother and get away from here. She wants to leave but we can't support ourselves so we continue to live like this. I don't welcome an ulcer in the next 5 years and the stress is becoming unbearable. Could someone please just lend me some kind words of encouragement as I really can't talk to anyone
around here???
Thank you for any responses,
Julie B1: Submit Anna's Story: I grew up in a dysfunctional, angry family, with a twist: it was my mother who was the verbal/emotional/physical abuser, and my father who was the victim. I am 34, divorced, Filipino American. I was born in the Philippines but came to America with my family (mom, dad and an older sister) at a very early age (four,
I think, and sis was 5). In the Philippines, which is predominantly Catholic, divorce is taboo. It's the worst thing you can do short of murdering your kids. So although my mother was a very angry, verbally/physically/emotionally abusive person to my father, the idea of my father divorcing my mother was unthinkable. In the first place it would have been looked down upon by other Filipino's who would have regarded it as abandoning your family. In the second place, divorce meant you would go to hell. Thus, my parents stayed together throughout my stormy childhood and my sister and I, unfortunately, paid the heaviest price. I remember feeling fear, anxiety, and wanting to run away. My mother used to hurl the most horrible insults at my dad. She would also hit him, push him down the stairs, etc. right in front of us. But what ironically makes me angriest, is that my father did not defend himself. He just took it. It was his way of revenge: by making my mother feel guilty. By not defending himself, he failed to defend ME and my sister from witnessing such horrible acts. He failed to be the knight in shining armor we all want our dads to be, especially if you're a woman. My mother was also very verbally and physically abusive to me and my sister. There are insults and curses in the Filipino language (called "tagalong") that I can't even find an adequate translation for in English. It's that thing: something is lost in the translation. Anyway, I can't blame my mom, because she got this anger from her father, a cold, domineering, cruel, bully of a man who beat her up with a wooden chair when she was 16 years old. The reason for the beating was because she went to a high school prom against his wishes. As the eldest, she was responsible for taking care of her 5 younger siblings. This responsibility was foisted on her at the age of 10. If any of them got hurt, even slightly, she would be the one who was beat up by her dad. She grew up to hate men. I suspect she was also sexually abused by my grandfather. He was a horrible man. When he died, my uncle (my mother's younger brother) said he would dance on the old man's grave and spit on it as well. Anyway, my mother chose a man totally different than her father when she got married: somebody quiet, passive. But there were a lot of similarities too: my dad was uncommunicative, unaffectionate, and critical. She got married too to escape the parental abuse. In those days in the Philippines (the 1950s and 60s) you could only leave your family if you got married. It was her only escape hatch and she took it. But she took her anger too, and then transferred all of it to my dad and me and my sister. My mother would scream at us, hit us, punish us for seemingly illogical reasons. She just didn't make sense, and she was unpredictable. So like a set of dominoes, I then grew up with this anger. I then got married to a man who was like my father: quiet, a loner. Also uncommunicative and unaffectionate. I started turning into my mother. I yelled, screamed, spit at him. One day when I was pregnant my ex-husband had had enough. He struck me and I fell back across the bed. The shock was unbelievable. My marriage was just like my parents. After my daughter was born, the fighting and arguing (but no more hitting) continued. I remembered what it was like growing up with my angry, bitter parents, and I decided to divorce. I would not put my daughter through what I went through. Anything was better than that. I've been divorced two years now. After the divorce, I became involved with a seemingly charming man 13 years older than me. (I seem to have a father figure complex; my
ex-husband was 11 years older than me). I was not ready to become involved again. I have always been insecure, despite the fact that friends say I am intelligent and attractive. I always think a man will leave me for somebody "better." My insecurity was exacerbated by my recent divorce, sale of my home, etc. I demanded more from my exboyfriend than he was willing to give. Too, I didn't read the danger signs about HIM early on in the relationship: the fact that other than his first disastrous marriage in his 20s (he was now 45), he had never been able to commit to anyone or sustain a relationship longer than a year and a half. He had told me that his marriage ended because he was continuously verbally/psychologically abusive to his wife. He told me that his father was the same way with his mother, and I personally witnessed this when I came over to his parents for dinner. I just didn't want to accept these early warning signs. I thought I was "different", special, better than all the other women before me. I was wrong. The more I asked for love, reassurance, loyalty, etc., the more my ex turned away, became irritated, etc. It escalated into very ugly verbal abuse. I was told I was f----d up, I was a "very sick girl", I would never find anyone to stay in love with me because I was so screwed up. When I cried, my ex would laugh, or tell me "do me a favor and get the f----- out of my house, you f----n b----tch, I need my sleep". My ex was a master of covert abuse. Everything on the covert abuse section of this web site has my ex written all over it. The psychological games were unbelievable. The subtle putdowns, the feeling that I was second best, the reality that he treated friends, acquaintances, strangers better than he treated me, the cold, distant behavior.....all true. True too, how he would set up situations that made me feel even more insecure, and then call me an insecure loser when I would confront him about it. You know, recovering is all about acceptance, in a way. I accept my responsibility for being overly dependent and insecure and clingy. I do NOT use this to justify the level and the intensity of the anger, vicious language and pure hate-filled words that I received from my ex. My ex used to say it was my fault that he turned into this monster, that I had made him do it, and that if I would just shut the f---- up he wouldn't have done it. I believed him at the time. Now I know better. He also used to yell, "F---- you and your feelings --- I
don't' give a sh---- about your feelings" whenever I would try to explain how hurt I felt. Nice guy, huh? Even when in a good mood, he would name call. "Slut", "dumb", "chink", "one of Jerry Lewis' kids", etc. As the poster boy for the covert abuser, my ex had everyone else in the world fooled. To the outside world (especially females), he was kind, charming, helpful. It was only with me (and his past lovers) that the devil came out. Oh there are horror stories, folks, but I'm sure many of you can relate to this. I woke up and smelled the coffee one day and decided to end it, once and for all. (He couldn't end it. Free sex, no commitment, doormat, emotional punching bag. Why WOULD he end it?) So I ended it, and I'm here, and I'm surviving, and I will get over this, and so will all of you out there. One day at a time and with perseverance and the realization that we have the power to change life as we know it. We deserve to be treated well, with love and regard and compassion. And whatever faults we have, we do not deserve to be treated like street dogs. And whatever feelings we do feel (fear, hurt, insecurity, anxiety), and however inappropriate to the situation these feelings may be, we do not deserve to have those feelings trampled on, disregarded, or insulted. We are all sacred, every one of us. And the ghosts of our past are just that --- ghosts. Mom and Dad can't hurt me anymore. And I am not a helpless child anymore, sitting there in the dark of my room listening to screaming and hitting and yelling downstairs, wishing I could disappear. My parents did their best with what they knew at the time, and it's up to me to do my best with what I know now. I can't fix the past, and I can't fix my ex. I can choose not to revisit the past by replaying violent relationships in my own life. I can be picky about who I will let into my heart. I can expect to treat and be treated with goodness and light. I can only work on me, and on being the best mother I can be, a better mother than my own. It's a hard struggle, but worth it. B1: Submit I am R.Stampley my husband of 6 years has been known to call me the B word and today he shook me and hit me and told me it was my fault
imp afraid sometimes I wish I was dead I feel alone and
I don't have anyone to talk to about it B1: Submit I really don't know where to begin. My story
beings 16 years ago when I met him. He was so different from any guy I'd ever dated - fun loving, easy going, funny and loving. We go married 4 years later and then it all began. He took over my paycheck, took over the finances, started belittling me for not reason. I was too fat, I didn't make enough money, I didn't clean the house right, etc., etc. He said "if only" I did this or that, things would be okay between us. He isolated me from my friends, my family, and my own feelings. I was never allowed to be angry. There was no reason for it since it always was my fault!!!!! I lost weight, got a better job, cleaned the house better - exercised, quit smoking - everything he wanted. He still wasn't happy. Nothing I did or do now is good. It's all bad.
Three children later, 11, 8 and 6 and here I am in the same old situation. I did stay home with the kids for 10 years and am just now trying to find a full time job to make him happy. But, secretly, inside me, I feel if I could find a decent job, I could make him leave. Leave me alone!!!!! My children listen to the bickering every day. But they still love their father. Sometimes he gets them to side with him and I have the whole family against me. On occasion, I have just thought about leaving them all and going to my mother's. But that would be bad for me, abandonment. Don't think I don't care about my children, I love them to death but I just don't feel "worthy" enough to take care of them any more. He always lets me and the kids know how much better a parent and provider he is than I am. I really think the kids believe it. I feel useless and hopeless.
Now I am job searching after 10 years and have been offered a couple of jobs but they don't pay enough to try and make it on my own. The couple of interviews I went on that were good paying ones, I didn't get. Of course, he said that I couldn't even get a job. And inside I feel I'm not worthy of these jobs either. My self esteem is so low and I just don't want to feel this way any more.
Where should I go from here? I don't have to be happy, just not miserable. I'm 41, half way attractive (I guess), have three kids and just at my wit's end. I know I don't deserve this kind of life but am scared of the unknown. He is a mean rotten person who will probably go to great lengths to hurt me. He has been doing that for so long. I could really use some advice and support.
AFRAID B1: Submit I have been married to an abuser for 20 years. For the first few years of our marriage, I knew something was wrong...I just couldn't put my finger on it. I kept the "problems" from my mother and daddy, and just thought if I tried harder things would get better. Instead, they continued to get worse. In '94 my mom died, (he treated her like crap while she was living) and I took our two children and left him. I got an apartment, and moved out while he was on a business trip, fearful of what he would do to me. I woke up the first night in our new apartment, terrified. My children were 10 and 12 at that time. I didn't know how I was going to support us, and I wanted my "family" back together. I went to my Dad's and my husband followed my there. He was very angry, and bitter, still in full fledged denial. We started to argue, and he picked up one of our 4 toy poodles and started choking her in front of our children. He then threw her against the wall (she survived) and continued to rage that the poodles were the root of all of our problems. I started screaming at him, that he was just like his father and I told him to get out and leave us alone. When I said the words, "just like your father" he feel to his knees and started sobbing hysterically and he said, "Oh my God, I have become what I hated the most....my father!" He left my Dad's house, still crying and
apologizing. My children, poodles, and I went with my dad to the mountains and stayed overnight in the
Air stream travel trailer. That night, my Dad said, "Why don't you call him and make sure he's OK. (My Dad didn't know the extent of the abuse.) So I called him and he was still crying...saying over and over, "I'm so sorry," You did the right thing by
leaving. I'm going to get help, etc." SO IN ABOUT 3 DAYS, I WENT BACK TO HIM.....I DIDN'T HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I DO NOW AND I REALLY BELIEVED WHAT HE TOLD ME. He started seeing a psychiatrist and went for 3 visits. I remember him saying to the psy., "I'll do whatever it takes to keep from losing her." That lasted for about 3 months, and then the abuse started again, beginning with, "You left me and I'm never going to forgive you!" He stood by his word to and he made me pay dearly over the next 6 years. This past Nov. I left him for the second time. This time, I have the knowledge that I need and I went to see a lawyer so that I would receive financial support. Once again, he is seeing a psychologist, he WAS in the batters' program but said they were all violent and had been in jail and he was not like them....the sessions made him feel bad, so I said, "Fine.
quit"...and he did. It's been three months now and he is still in the honeymoon phase...wanting to know if he gets another chance. To hear him tell it...he didn't know that the problem was his abuse 6 years ago. (yea, right) BUT NOW HE KNOWS AND HE'S GONNA CHANGE BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE THAT PERSON ANYMORE. I have informed him that I will not even consider
reconciliation until our daughter graduates. (1 1/2 years from now) She suffers with depression, OCD, and she can barely stand to be around him at all. He wasn't nearly as abusive with the children as he was with me, but they saw how he treated me, and it really messed with their heads. So now I am "sitting on the fence" wondering if I should go ahead and divorce him and wait the 1/ 1/2 and see what happens. I would love to hear from anyone who is in a similar situation.
B1: Submit I am 28 years old and have been trying so hard to end my verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. I just told him, once again, 2 days ago to not ever call me again. We have been on and off for 3 years now and the abuse has gradually gotten worse.
He was so nice when I first met him-said the right things, did the right things. But I soon discovered that he drinks and uses drugs and cannot be faithful. He slaps me, he pulls down my pants and lifts up my shirt in front of his friends, he ignores me when we go out with his friends and then accuses me of "acting superior" even though he won't introduce me to anyone. He calls me names like bitch and slut, and tells me that I'm ugly and that no one would want me. He puts me down and then says he's just joking and that I have no sense of humor or cannot take a joke. He blames me for everything and often, when I try to talk to him, he says he doesn't remember saying something or doing something. He often just straight out denies that something happened-he'll say "I never said that" or "You don't know what you're talking about". He won't make plans with me. If it's a Friday and I talk to him about 5 o'clock, he'll say he'll call me in a couple of hours after he finds out what's going on. Then I'll end up calling him about 7 and ask him if we're gonna have plans or not and he'll say "call me in 20 minutes"-this happens 9 out of 10 times that I try to make plans with him. We always do what he wants-if I invite him out with my friends he says no -but then he accuses me of never including him in my plans.
He never apologizes for anything and is constantly telling me what to do, ordering me around. He'll say things like, "you're going to do the dishes" or "I know you're gonna make me something to eat" or "go to the liquor store and get me some beer", that one is the worst because I am in recovery myself, I have been sober for 17 months. If I do go and buy him alcohol and I ask him to pay me back, he will say something like "It's on you." One of his
roommates one time heard him telling me to do his laundry and he said "What is she your slave?" But then, if any of his friends try to stand up for me or tell him to stop he gets angry at me and it only makes things worse.
I don't know what it is about our relationship that makes it so hard for me to just walk away. It would seem so easy because I am so miserable with him-always crying, always angry, always confused, hurt, having to defend or explain myself. I won't talk to him for a couple weeks and then he'll call me and be so nice and I just can't seem to say no. I get sucked right back in. I hate the way he treats me, but I keep going back anyway, which makes me hate myself. I found myself starting to believe the things that he says to me, and I hurt all the time, I constantly clench my jaw, I can't eat, I have insomnia, I get an ache in my chest and people keep telling me how sad and stressed out I seem. Half the time I just feel like crawling under a rock or screaming for a day straight. There are times that I look at him and I wish I could hurt him the way he's hurt me, but if I try to say anything to get back at him he just turns it right back on me. My mom keeps telling me you can't hurt someone who just doesn't care.
I hurt so bad and I want it to stop, I'm just scared all the time, and so hurt and confused and I don't know what to do about it. When I'm with him, I ignore the things he says to me, or I laugh it off. I am constantly prepared for him to turn on me, to expect the unexpected. His words almost do not phase me at times, I have gotten to where I am no longer surprised by what he does. Over the week-end he tried to hit me with a cord, and play punched me in the stomach-it didn't hurt, but I could see him doing it for real sometime. I do not trust him, but I am finding that I cannot trust myself either. I turn my back on myself to be with him-I sacrifice myself to be with him and I hate
myself for doing it.
I'm hopeful that this time I really will walk away from him-I just feel like damaged goods and like I'm not going to ever be able to meet someone else because my self-esteem is basically non-existent.
So, that's my story-well, that's the tip of the iceberg with my relationship with him, I don't know how I let things get to this point, I hope this is the end of it though. Thanks for listening.
Signed-
Katie B1: Submit February 22, 2001
Three books to read:
The Batterer : A Psychological Profile
I want to give those of you still in an abusive relationship encouragement. I have been out of mine since September of 1999. Each day is a little brighter as the wounds heal. Listen to beautiful musical melodies, visit beautiful places, watch fun movies so you will laugh, spend time with your favorite people and allow yourself the time to heal. The laughter really will help you heal. My husband was abusive since I met him in 1985 but my excuse for it was his grief over the death of his father. As time went by and I was more in love with his good side I kept making excuses for his bad side. It seems those of us who remain in an abusive relationship can sense these (typically) guys have need of a lot of love. They also have something (money, position, friends) we THINK we cannot find elsewhere or THINK we cannot obtain on our own. That is the hook that keeps us there. Keep your own self esteem high and realize you cannot fix another person. Listen to your intuition. Listen to this: at Christmas 1998 we were book shopping when a book title caught my eye in passing: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. My thoughts were "I'm glad that doesn't happen at my house" I simply thought it meant name calling or yelling. Without touching the book I continued on walking by looking for the Christmas gifts I was there for. Weekly, for the next three weeks, that book title kept coming to mind. Remember, I had not even touched the book. My intuition was trying to tell me something. Perhaps a friend is in need of this book? Finally, the book title would not leave my mind so a special trip to the book store was made. Much to my amazement the book was written as if someone had been hiding in the corner of my own home taking notes. After reading only the first two pages the realization hit me I was married to an abuser who alternated between loving and hating me. No wonder he couldn't be pleased, was irrational at times and was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I cried right there in the book store. To make a long story short we went through marriage counseling at our church, couple's counseling, prayer chains, and many fights & tears. It was difficult to watch him grow worse instead of better. There was no logical explanation for his worsening behavior even after I confronted him with the book and begged him to get help. During my own counseling session of three hours with my pastor it was explained to me that God loved me as much as he loves marriage. It was time for me to get out as my husband's behavior was so unpredictable and scary. It was also explained in the marriage vows "no man should separate" that my own husband was the man doing the "separating". He was ripping my spirit apart. I also asked if it was not wrong to leave him now we knew his illness was the need to control and manipulate because he had such low self esteem. The reply by my pastor was this: " His illness is the act of tearing you down. You must protect yourself. He is not ill with cancer or a cold. He is attacking you to feel a "hit" of power over another person. Yes, temporarily and in a sick way, he feels better inside after bullying you but at YOUR expense." Understand this also: Low self esteem causes a catch 22 in your relationship because the more you love him the less he thinks of you. He thinks you must be a low life (lower than he is) if you love him and don't realize just how worthless he is. At times he may also think you are too good for him and he will be nasty to you to make you leave him. If you do, it proves him right that he didn't deserve you anyway. Someone on this site mentioned how difficult it is to leave someone you love. That is true but you must love yourself first. This is not a selfish suggestion. Self love must come first or your spirit will shatter. A key thing to know is these people only get worse. If they are currently treating you well in public but nasty at home they must be aware of it and are choosing when to act either way. When they begin to humiliate you in public you know it is escalating since they now need a bigger "hit" against you to make it count. I highly suggest three books: The Batterer : A Psychological Profile by Donald G. Dutton, Ph.D, The Betrayal Bond : Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. Please know what I left was a beautiful home, a garden with fountains, paths, wonderful trees, my cat, my home based business, the 1/4 of my marriage that was good and even some of my "friends" who did not understand the craziness in my household. What do I have now? A lovely townhouse with my own name on the title, another wonderful home based business again and this time it's with a great partner who is my best friend instead of adversary. Life will continue to bring you wonderful things if you are willing to go through a period of change for a while. There WILL be supportive people there for you. Love yourself. Don't allow your thoughts to become negative. Don't say things to yourself you wouldn't want to hear from any other person. Keep yourself mentally and emotionally healthy. You can do it! Been there in Minnesota.
B1: Submit S1Ever feel trapped? Feel as though you are living with a wolf in sheep's clothing. I do. A real nice guy, to all. A charmer at all the right times. Loving and tender, till the rage surfaces, and then the foul disgusting words flow from his mouth. I would like to tell my story, it helps me vent. I remarried two years ago, I did the whole single parent thing, after divorcing my physically abusive husband of ten years. He finally started in on our five year old son. That was when the marriage was over. Needless to say, it was not easy going to school, working a good job, and raising three kids. But I did it. And I was proud of myself, and my children. I regained my self-esteem, and saw pride in the eyes of my children. They grew ,and left home. I was on my own. I started dating, and met a man that I thought was my soul mate. He was also persistent, and before I knew it, we were married within two months of knowing each other. It seemed perfect, he seemed so sincere and loving. He gave me a beautiful home. He treated me as a queen, but after awhile, that became unnerving. I began to notice the pattern. the manipulation, how possessive he became, the destruction of my belongings in his fits of rage. It is very easy for him to become enraged. I may just say the wrong thing. The names he has called me, not only do not apply, but have reduced my self esteem to it's lowest ebb. At one time, he did say he was sorry, and that he would never do it again, but of course, it was my fault anyway. I made him do it. And it continues. the subtle put downs can be just as hurtful. He has a way of saying something that hurts me, but when I react to it, he claims that I am too sensitive. We do not have a life outside these four walls. The highlight of the week, is going grocery shopping. He has not struck me during his rages, but it shows that he would more then like to. I have lost respect for this man, and cannot respond to him in a loving way any longer. He has taken my life and killed my spirit. I really don't know where to turn as yet, perhaps that is why I am awake at 2:00 am in the morning writing this. It is one freedom that I do have. I feel caged and dependant on him, I'm sure that is the way he would prefer it. I know it is a matter of time before I bolt out of here, with the few belongings I have left to my name-since everything I worked for, and owned was either sold ,broken, or lost. It's a matter of time now. I will have allot of mending to do, and it will take time, but I still have those three great kids, they've always been there for me. Well, this is some of my story, for me to tell you all, would require a book. But then, I 'sure you must know the story, or you would not be on this website reading this. Maggie
B1: Submit S1Well, here I am. I would have never thought I would be the one writing "my story", but here goes. My name is Kelly and I got married to Roger in June of 2000. It is now February of 2001 and I want out. Let me start at the beginning. Roger and I were dating one year before we decided to get married. I finally found my soul mate, or so I thought. All along our relationship there were red flags going up telling me not to marry this guy. One very bright red flag was that I had this very strong feeling he was keeping something from me. I did question him about it on numerous occasions, and he just kept reassuring me that it was nothing. That he told me every little detail about his life. I just assumed it was my fear of commitment and ignored my feelings. His mother never accepted me from day one. The only logical, honest reason I can tell you for this is because she is a very religious woman and I only went to church on Sundays! I tried to get along with her, but she would always brush me off or lecture me about my chances of going to hell (which were great). I put in the back of my head that once we were married she wouldn't interfere in our marriage. Yet another red flag. Well, we got married and two months later I found an email confirming my feelings of his hiding something. This email was to a couple that was interested in having one more person join in their sexual relationship. In dummy terms: a threesome. Well, my husband did indeed respond to them saying that he had had previous experience with men and women before and went on to explain his preference in sexual games. I can not explain the feeling I got when I finished reading that email. It just confirmed that I was right all along. He was indeed lying to me, and not about just anything, this!!!! Well, when I confronted my husband about it he wouldn't tell me the truth right away. I finally got it out him. He spilled his guts saying that on 5..yes 5... different occasions he met males on the internet, met them somewhere, and had unprotected sex with them. One while he was with me. Now, he didn't only lie to me about something big, but he also put me at risk by sleeping with these men unprotected and then being intimate with me. Ever since then I have not been the same. I don't trust him and I don't think I ever will. Just when I thought that I could work things out because yes I love him and he promised that was in his past and promised to never do it again, I find out he lied to me again!! Not about nothing like that, but his mother recently got married and had invited him and not me to the wedding. Instead of saying to his mother, "if she doesn't go, I won't go" he had planned on going without me. At this point, all of you reading this story are probably asking yourself why I haven't left, well, I do love him to death. I am willing to forget everything he has ever done, but how do I know I am not setting myself up for another lie? The story takes an interesting twist simply because I cheated on him. I recently ran into the guy I should've married and slept with him. The only thing going through my mind was that if he never would have lied to me I wouldn't be sleeping with John. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not justifying my actions. Adultery is wrong. I did admit it my husband and he said he was hurt by it and to never do it again. That was it. No get out, I hate you, why did you do this to me, etc. He works third shift and sleeps all day. He has no friends, no hobbies, and to me no interest in making this thing work. Only when I sit down and talk to him about it and when we have a "good" day. Which simply means we didn't argue today. In the movie "Liar, Liar", Jim Carrey says, "I'm a desperate fool and the end of my pitiful rope!". Which describes my whole situation. I just need some input on everything. I do not have children. I'm in the process of finding a good job, but that is it. I do love him and want to work it out, but on every other day of the week I hate him and blame him for the sleepless nights, the weight loss, my sudden anger tantrums. I've talked to my friends and family about my situation, and they could only say that whatever I decide they will respect. I need as much input as possible!!!---------love, kisses and cookies, Kelly
B1: Submit S1Being with a borderline Dear dr. Irene, my, did you open the eyes of a middle-aged gal form overseas! For almost thirty years I (Dutch woman of 41 yo) have been caught up in a destructive relationship with my "first love". It took your site to even recognize how destructive it has been. I nearly have gotten rid of everything valuable in my life. A shrink friend told me last year that my "love" shows all the symptoms of a borderline personality disorder. I worked with that for a time, only to discover that it wasn't going to help. I can't change him, I can only change myself. Question is how to choose the right road. Agonizing or not, what's best for me seems breaking up with my "love". But if he is really mentally ill, what will that do to him? Over thirty years I've tried frequently to break it off, but it always makes him so angry it scares the hell out of me. He yells and screams and threatens me, but that isn't the worst. He keeps telling me that I am the mentally ill. He accuses me of insecurity, egotism, pushiness, too much expectations, playing with him. He wants me to be there for him as I have always been: only when he needs me and only in the way he wants. Which comes down to listening to him talking about himself for hours, or to sex, which I managed to escape for some years now. When I avoid contact I feel better, until he starts harassing me again. Then I feel guilty: why can't I be a good friend and give him what he asks. We are both married to someone else since about 15 years. His marriage seems little happy. He states that his marriage vows dictate him to stay and care for her and their kids, but not to be faithful to her. I know his wife disagrees, but she allows his infidelities because she is frantic about losing him. I pity her and this makes me feel even more guilty and ashamed. Like her, I don't trust him either, I am sure he lies to me too. But the bottom line is we grew up together and have been siblings, parents, friends and lovers to each other. I have great difficulty leaving my "other half" in the lurch, especially if it's true he's ill. What if he beats his wife or commits suicide in anger or frustration over my leaving him? I have thought about talking to his brothers, friends, his wife and even himself but I'm not sure that wouldn't do more damage. The borderline disorder has never been officially diagnosed, who would believe me? Plus his wife of course hates me. But he needs help, so I'm afraid to leave him. But that way I also keep being codependent and this is more and more interfering with my own happiness and marriage. My husband knows about this relationship, but he cannot help me. He says rightfully that I must make a choice and is willing to wait for me. But being in this destructive relationship I don't even know how I feel about my husband anymore. He deserves more than this. I love my husband. I need to be free to find out if we can give each other what we need. So I desperately need your and your reader's advice. What is the right thing to do? Keep on being abused to prevent my "love" from doing something stupid? Talk to his friends or family to find support? Try to shape a new kind of friendship which is not destructive? Or leave him and learn to get on with my own life? Thanks a lot from Pi.
B1: Submit S1I have been married for ten years, and am just beginning the divorce. It took me 5 years to realize something was wrong, and another 5 to see that it had nothing to do with me. My husband was critical and sarcastic, and it seems I could do little to "please" him. If he complained about something (how the furniture was arranged, how the garbage was put into the can, how much money I made) and I "corrected the problem, he got mad about the solution. I was starting to wonder if I was crazy. I spent years in therapy, and three therapists asked me," why don't you get divorced" Well, this last spring, I got it. I came home late from an appointment, since I work in commission sales, I was very pleased with myself, as I had just made a big sale. He was sullen, and I could "feel " the mad energy in the room. He asked me when and how much money I was planning to put into the bank account, and started a haranguing me for two and a half hours. This included name calling, but when I said you are calling me names, he said, no I said you were b** f****in me , that's how I feel...It's the TRUTH. I left the room, he followed me, I asked him to stop, to talk later, he continued. The children were asleep, so I felt trapped. The next day I felt totally exhausted, and told my husband I felt like his words were so painful, that he might as well have beat the s**t out of me with a baseball bat. Of course, he discounted that as a preposterous idea. A few weeks later I was blessed to read a book called Verbal Abuse, and the follow up to it, Verbal Abuse Victims Speak Out (?) and I saw there was a name to what was happening to me. It took me many months after that to finally get some money together and hire an attorney. I actually thought my husband would freak out and perhaps kill me, he was so enraged. He threatened to "dump a load of s**t on me so huge that I would NOT look like a fit mother, in fact not even SANE. He threatened to fight me for the kids. He told me I should move out of the house, not him. I am so happy now, to come home and know there is no ambush waiting for me in the kitchen. Knowing I can go out and not have to explain why and where. I am free to dress in clothes I like, without hearing I look FAT or like a lesbian. When the kids are with him I really miss them, and I am adjusting to the quiet and solitude. I still hear the loop tape in my head of all the things he's said to me. I dreamed this:" Verbal abuse is WORSE than physical abuse, because no one can see your wounds." By for now......Soaz
B1: Submit S1Wow Dr. Irene, You are so right. I just didn't want to be the exspouse that cut Dad down to the kids. But this is not a normal separation. Me protecting my husband is not right. I thought I was protecting the kids, but I am doing more harm that way. I need to deal with the issues and let the kids know that this is not right. By me sugar coating him it confuses the kids even more. Wow!! Thank you for the insight, I really need to talk with the kids. I am not going to forget, I don't want to forget, I just don't want to come across as someone who holds a grudge. But now that I look at it, I need to remember and learn from this, I don't want to sugar coat it. I know I am not vindictive or mean. So why should I sugar coat him? Thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU!!! You are such an eye opener!!! Tree
B1: Submit S1I am 17 years old, I am a long time suffer of my mothers wrath. Constantly since I was. well as far back I can remember she has emotionally and verbally abused me. With curse words, and horrible gut wrenching threats of killing me and ripping my heart out with a fork. I don't know how to handle this anymore. I have tried my best to talk to people about it. I have asked to live with my grandparents, my father, other people but everyone says things will get better or she threatens me as usual. This abuse has made my life miserable. Its hard for me to go to school and concentrate, and I dread the end of the day when I have to head home for the constant screaming and name calling. Sometimes I think of suicide allot, and I just want to give up and run away but I know she would find me. I can honestly say I am scared. But I guess the biggest incident that sticks out in my mind is when I was raped. She beat me and told me it was my fault that I was a dirty cock sucking whore and I deserved everything I got. I cry my self to sleep at night every night when I think of the things I go through in a normal everyday situation. I know if it wasn't for my supportive boyfriend I would already have committed suicide. I just don't know how to handle it any longer. I can't report anything to anyone cause then I know I would be ripped from my home and slammed in some strange place, or she would hurt me in some way when she found out. Everyone knows how she is, yet no one wants to help me. I can't seem to find anyone that is in my same situation, or anyone that wants to help me...
B1: Submit S1HI. MY NAME IS MERMADE AND I AM A SCANDINAVIAN WHITE FEMALE WITH BLOND HAIR AND BLUE EYES. AND HERES MY STORY: When I was a fresh young thing out of college, age 23, I went to the big city of New York to study art at the art school. There I was seduced by a man from Israel who was fifteen years older than me. Although he was not very good-looking, he was very seductive and since I was young and impressionable, I fell for him. We got married, and he had been lavishing clothes and shoes on me and taking me out. As soon as we were married he became very cheap with money and he also went from being charming to abusive. He put pressure on me to get pregnant, and took me to a Jewish therapist to work on the idea that he wanted a baby as soon as possible. Although I had misgivings, I got pregnant and had a baby. Things got even worse, he was cheaper with money and I felt neglected. He wanted allot of sex, but I didn't feel that he loved me very much, he did not even like to listen to me talk. This whole time I did not know anything about Immigration, and that his marriage to an American and getting me pregnant were his ticket to get into the United States and become a citizen. When our daughter was 2, he suddenly had Divorce papers served on me, he stole our daughter and left and made false allegations that I wasn't a good mother. He tried to get the apartment, custody of my daughter, and order me to pay child support. He took my child to his mothers, cut off the telephone service, and took all the money out of the joint account. My parents wired some money to get me a lawyer, and he also stole that money from the joint account. We went through a horrible divorce, my health was ruined and I have been having health problems ever since. I was shaking with Anxiety for a number of years after it happened. I did get the apartment and joint custody, but never got any child support since he relocated his wall street money and hid it. THIS EXPERIENCE TORE UP MY HEART, MY INNOCENCE, MY HEALTH. AND MY ADVICE IS NEVER TO MARRY A FOREIGNER, BECAUSE TENS OF THOUSANDS OF THEM GET THROUGH IMMIGRATION BY USING PEOPLE, DON'T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU.
B1: Submit S1I had been dating my ex-boyfriend for 3-years. We lived together for about 2 of those years. I left him about 6 months ago. I'm a doctoral student and he's an ex-navy seal. I have a hard time believing that he was verbally abusive.....I still can't come to terms with it. He displayed all the signs listed on this sight in the "victims" section. He called me names, controlled my relationships with friends, belittled me, destroyed our house numerous times, tried to turn me against my family, etc....Yet he's trying his hardest to get me back. It's the most difficult time of my life. No matter how alone I felt when I was with him it's much harder now. What I really want to know is can he change? Is that possible? I had lost a big part of myself with him, and am just now regaining that part back. I still love him. I don't think I'm strong enough to cut the ties with him and I don't know why? Does anyone have some insight?
B1: Submit S1hi, wow, this is amazing. I think this site has saved my life!!!!I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for over 2 years. I've called the police twice on him. I have had 2 protective orders filed on him. I had him out and was starting to be on my own and then the x-mass holidays got to me and I let him back in. well all the promises have since faded away. the same old stuff has started again, only it's worse. I don't need to even get into details because it is almost identical to most of the stories here, the name calling, thrashing the house,etc... well, I am going to receive my real estate license in about 3 weeks. at this point I am formulating an intensive plan to rid myself of this SOUL SUCKER! it's very hard but, 3 strikes you're out! I needed to satisfy myself and know I've have tried everything. the last straw was when he told our 2 yr old son to call me a bitch and pig etc.. whoa! that nullified any love I may have had left for that man! I am looking forward to chatting with you all. thanks for the pooper scooper, I love it!!!! Bobbi Jones, 33
B1: Submit S1my name is Susan. I'm in a verbal abusive relationship. I seek counseling but I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. My husband was fine until we got married than he turned in to a monster. we have been married about a year and a half. I deal with cussing, name calling, telling me I'm worthless. He has hit me about 4 times and I have moved out countless times but just to move back in later I can't seem to stay away from him. I have never had to deal with anyone like this. I have gotten him to the doctor so he could get on medication. He takes it real well. So he knows he has a problem but he can't control his anger. I can't get him to stay in counseling with me so I try to handle it on my own and I keep thinking that if only I can get him to see what he is doing to me. But he just laughs and says I'm the crazy one. He is so controlling in every way also. He tells me to brush my teeth, go to bed, when to clean the house and the worse one of all is When I'm driving the car and he is with me he tries to tell me how to drive and we get in our worst arguments in the car. Why do I stay? I love him. I can't get out! I feel trapped! and I'm trying to figure out a way to make him see. I think I'm the ill one wanting to stay with an abuser who doesn't do anything but give me grief. my family is upset with me for putting up with this. I have a ill mother and He gets mad at me for missing work to take care of her and he starts calling me names and her names and that hurts me really bad and I end up telling him he selfish and calling him names and going down to his level. Its like where is his sense of family? and respect for me? or anybody for that matter? I just want to say thank for allowing this space for me to vent my frustrations.
B1: Submit S1I just want to let everyone out there know that verbal abuse (which causes codependency) does not only come from 'love' relationships, and couple relationships. I was verbally abused by my mother, and now as a 19 year old, I fight almost everyday to not become codependent, although I have all the symptoms! I am trying to overcome. I am overcoming. Its a long and hard process, and more attention needs to be sent out to those kids who are living amidst abusive parents. They still have a long way to go. Not all of them will make it and be as lucky as I am. Those who give up easily will not make it. I feel for them all!
B1: Submit S1Hi ,I am a38 yr old divorced mom of 4 children. I live with a man who lived with a verbally abusive wife for 13 yrs, she still tryst to control him in every way using their 3 children to do so. One of the children the oldest lives with us, the 2 younger with their mom. She continually will call our home or his work place for ridiculous reasons, and forces visitation, ext everything seems to be happening in the < her way or no . I am deeply in love with this man, and we do plan to marry some day, I realize he is still somehow controlled by this woman emotionally. I guess imp trying to find ways to relieve this stress with out it hurting the children???thanks for your time.. km
B1: Submit S1My story is just like so many others posted so I'd like share my life after I left. I was lucky in that I had the support of family; in fact, my brother and his friend (both over 6 feet 3") stayed with me during my move. I moved out of a four bedroom Colonial on 3 1/2 acres in CT into a quaint Condo. I was aware that the actual move could pose life threatening situations - so I removed my three children the night before (who stayed with my mother). The move went. It was strange living in a new place but I was so grateful that I had a place to go to. We all relaxed - but believe me, the pain/nervousness never completely goes away. I'm not saying, either, that things were hunky dorie - it was work. I didn't know then that my court battle would last four years. I was divorced within a few months but these guys - don't let go easily. I was dragged back into court countless times, didn't receive child support, etc., etc. As time went on, my daughter graduated from high school and went on to a name college, my son is ready to graduate and will go on to college and my third child - who is only 6 - is doing wonderfully. We literally went through hell because of the constant harassment - there were times I didn't think I could take much more, that coupled with mounting legal fees was just too much. But - I thanked God every day and night that we didn't have to put up with him on a daily basis. We could go to our home, shut the door and feel safe. There is life afterwards - it's almost like looking through a camera lens and sharpening the picture. You see things that you haven't looked at for a long, long time. You begin to appreciate what you have and see the importance in the little things. The first Christmas we spent away from him, my friend asked me, "Don't you feel lonely?" I said, "I was alone during my marriage - it feels like the 4th of July!" It has been wonderful! Please - any of you thinking about leaving, let me leave you with this. This is YOUR life too - where is it written that you were put on this earth to be some guys doormat - to be disregarded and belittled. I look back now and can't even believe I married him! You'll get there too!
B1: Submit S1Please go to: (angelfire link no longer available) This is the true story of the life of Avery Frazier (in Web Form), the Book "The Counterfeit Human" is in construction phase. I hope any of you who read my story will comment and/or ask further questions. I will try to respond to all. Avery Frazier
B1: Submit S1Rough Ride---3/12/01 My story is rather simple compared to others, nevertheless, it has many of the same elements that others have experienced. I will try to keep it brief and give the main facts. I would like others' comments. The crisis happened seven months ago and I still suffer. I met this man 14 years ago. He was a contractor doing work on my house. We were both married with young children. He pulled out all the stops and showed an amazing amount of interest in me, etc. You know, all the stuff that makes us fall . I was not in the market for this sort of thing and tried not to be too interested, but he won my heart. We had an affair that lasted 13 years. During that time, our spouses found out twice and we ended up back with them temporarily and then eventually went back to our affair. He always said how much he loved me, wanted to be with me, and saw mw every day. We had a great relationship in every way. Although after awhile, he was reluctant to want to leave his wife. We had arguments about this and would break up, only to get back again. Finally, last year, I told him that this was it, that I could not go on living like this anymore and that we either leave and be together or we break it off for good. He agreed then to leave. We got an apartment, furnished it (I did all of that except for a few small things he paid for), and moved in after we had the place for about five weeks. He kept saying he had problems at work, or at home and it had to be "next" week. I was patient and figured they were all legitimate reasons. He did not express any reluctance at this point and met me at the apartment every day and was so passionate and loving to me. It was like dying and going to heaven! He and I seemed very happy. The day finally came and we told our spouses and left. He was very loving to me all weekend. He told all his family, kids, mother, brothers, sisters. I did the same. Then he went home to see his son who had come from another state. The son was forced by his mother to come up. For two nights, he went back to see his family and talked with his wife. The second night, he did not come back at all. He had his brother call me and said he was confused and needed time. He said he hoped I had a lot of support because I was going to need it. He said he did not want to speak to me or anyone! After a couple of days, I called him at work and he barely spoke to me. He said he was living with his brother and that his wife would not let him back into the house. He said he'd call me in the afternoon. He never did. The next day I tried and tried him at work, but no one answered. The he left a threatening phone call on the answering machine at the apartment indicating he would take legal action if I tried to call him again. So I waited a few weeks, and waited outside for him at work. His wife showed up! (He obviously called her). It was a real showdown. His wife was abusive towards him and me, she said she might not want him back because of his lies, etc. I said I didn't want him either. Some nasty things were said by his wife to both of us. ( she is really volatile). Then she said to him "go ahead and tell her". He then says, "I don't love you, I love my wife". This he says with a flat, emotionless voice. A few months pass and I am trying to get my life back but I am severely depressed. I loved this man for 13 years and thought he really loved me. After a really bad day at work, I had a relapse day and picked up the phone and called him and he hung up on me. Later that evening, he called my house (I had gone back to my husband) and demanded to speak to my husband. I told him he was not in. He got abusive and said he'd call later. He finally called my husband at his office. My husband really lit into him and told him to never contact me again. To this, he replied that he would take legal action if I contacted him again. I had been so loving and kind to him all the way through to the bitter end. I have read a lot of stuff about Narcissists and Psychopaths. I wonder if his devaluing, demeaning, hostile behavior is a result of a personality disorder. I'm retrospect, He did seem "different" and I could not put my finger on it. He had a distance about him, a secretiveness to him, a "something was not just right" quality. In the end, he showed no human compassion, no remorse for hurting me or my family. He did not even say goodbye. No empathy. I was fooled all along---for 13 years into thinking he was a very sensitive, albeit, private sort of individual who I thought I understood inside and out. I had never seen such cruelty in him, although I had seen some small signs of a lack of compassion for others' in his life (business partners) but he always placed the blame on them. How can I put him out of my mind? How do I deal with the anger I still have and the feeling that I want to get even? I am normally a very loving person who would have done anything for him. But now I'd like to get back at him. My husband has been trying to forget this whole thing and says that he is a sick person and that we need to go on with our lives. But I am stuck in this phase and cannot move on. I don't cry every day now, so that is good, but I can't seem to get him out of my mind. I have seen a therapist and he was no help. Can someone please comment on this? I gave my whole heart and soul to this person and put everything on the line for him. We both went to incredible lengths to see each other every day for 13 years and had so much feeling between us. We did not fight, but I think I put up with a lot of little things just to keep peace with him. He did not do a lot of outrageous things, but sometimes, it was just easier not to make a fuss. Also, I'd like to say that I think he may have had interest in other women and I'd like to contact one of these women and hear her side. Do you think I should? This is the story in a nutshell. I have been deeply hurt by his actions and words. I still cannot believe that someone would go that far and leave their spouse---after six months of talking, planning, getting the apartment, signing a lease, etc. and having plenty of time to change his mind. And then to behave in such a hostile way to me all within a few days of being all over me, telling me that he is all mine now, inviting me to the company Christmas Party, and in general talking about the future, and loving me like there was no tomorrow (ironically, there wasn't). I was totally devastated and did not expect such cruel, inhumane treatment. I had to dismantle the entire apartment and sell the furnishings at a great loss. It was an emotional crisis as well as a physical one for me. I had to deal with the landlord, the furniture company, the telephone company, utilities, and to top it all off, my husband and other members of my family! I thought I'd go berserk. Is he sick? Or was he truly in love with the wife? (How? He cheated on her for all those years, never committed to her---when she had a hysterectomy he did not even stay home the first day she got out. Instead, he was all over me again. Today, he is back with the wife and I believe they are in Florida now visiting the son. Everything must be okay with them. Doesn't his wife wonder who she is living with? Doesn't she question his behavior towards me? How does he justify it? I am so perplexed. When I made a pledge to him it was with great thought and conviction. I was not going to back out of it. How could he be so unpredictable and unreliable? Please help me.
B1: Submit S1March 13, 2001 Call me Bub, Have I got a problem ?, Her perspective, I am to easy going and just want life to be good, and enjoy my family at any cost. Unconditional love is bullshit, and forgiveness is something found in fairyland. I don't say NO to the kids often enough ( they are now 25 and 22 )and I take their side to often. I am not a man because I don't bash everyone who has disrespected her or the kids. Because I was unfaithful 17 years ago, I will do it again. My family are bad news because of there lifestyle and contact with them is not welcome. Because my mother treated her badly over 20 years ago, she won't have anything to do with her. She believes she doesn't have a problem. My perspective I have proved my love for her and paid my dues for previous indiscretions. I believe that I probably have not said NO enough, but I wanted my kids to make mistakes and learn from them. I have the ability to forgive people who have hurt me, and most of all my wife. I get verbally abused and sometimes attacked, but put it down to anger over past situations which she throws back at me. Because my kids were kids and made mistakes, she now wants to divorce them, I don't think forgiveness is in her vocabulary. I want all of us to be a happy family as I love them all equally, but I am at the end of my rope, I'm ready to leave, although I don't want to. She doesn't believe in counseling and won't take part. To get in her good books during a recent problem I actually attacked my daughters ex boyfriend. Its a roller coaster at home and I need some direction. I have been counseled and was told to divorce her, its not the option I am interested in at this stage. We have been together for more than 30 years, we have seen the tough times (more now because of the kids choices) but I don't think we can resolve our differences this time. There is obviously more to tell, and maybe a clearer picture can be shown by answering your questions. Help
B1: Submit S1I'm 3 years into my 2nd marriage. I knew before marrying him that my husband had a Mum who didn't love him (perhaps due to a very hard labor?) but it is only now that his brother tells me their dad verbally abused them as kids and also in other ways (not sexual) for example, no friends allowed to come to the house, having to help their dad at weekends with servicing cars at his garage, all kinds of stuff. Since my marriage my husband has been controlling me, has verbally abused me and I am on an emotional rollercoaster - I can see he is full of anger against his Dad (his Mum is dead now), and it has 2 big effects on him - he is a workaholic (maybe brought up to be, but also as a channel for his anger and somewhere to escape to) and a control freak - once I found myself driving out in a blizzard to go to the supermarket and fetch chocolate digestives for him as they had run out, and he made me feel I had let him down by not checking and remembering to get them before they ran out. Now I see how ridiculous that was. I should have told him if he wanted them that badly to get them himself. He is super-sensitive, and I walk a knife edge trying not to say things that will hurt him. But I fail of course. He holds the hurts in as grudges, and every so often explodes with a stream of accusations against me - you did this, you said that, you can't love me or you would have done such and such - even raking up things from years ago again and again like a litany of faults. I get defensive then upset - he wins. Recently he did this to make me feel bad after a specific incident which annoyed him. The story is as follows: my own Dad, whom I love dearly, is dying of lung and liver cancer with only maybe a few months left to live. I'm an only child, and decided to save my annual leave up so I could be there for my dad when it gets worse, since my Mum has bad arthritis and can only hobble round the house and can't drive. Giving only 2 weeks notice my husband's brother and wife told us they were coming over to visit (from another country) - of course we said fine, but I explained I would to be taking time off midweek because of my Dad and wanting to save my leave. The night before they arrived, my husband laid into me verbally saying it was awful that I was not taking time off for his relatives (despite the fact I would be working at home part of the time and there all 3 evenings of their visit). He did not think my Dad dying was a good enough reason for not taking leave for his relatives' visit. As a result I did take some time off but of course resented it even whilst enjoying the relatives' visit. I felt it was awful to have been put in such a dilemma, and even though I compromised to please him, my husband has laid into me with a whole litany after the relatives departed, saying it shows I don't love him. I do in fact love him, but am getting to the point where he will make his fear come true if he continues this way. The worst hurt to me was when I thought we had talked it all through, and at last cuddled up and made love, but afterwards when I said 'I love you' and looked into his eyes he replied with silence - deliberately withholding the normal reply from me to deprive me of the feeling that he loves me back. This made me dreadfully upset, as it made me feel used and cheap. How could he make love with me and not say those 3 little words? I recognize that his behaviour is probably due to his childhood abuse, but what can be done? I want the marriage to work and be happy for us both, but right now we are both miserable. It seems his love for me is conditional on mine being unconditional for him, and I need to be an equal partner with rights to not have to feel like a bad person just because I make certain hard decisions like the one about saving leave re my Dad. I don't want to live my life making my husband unhappy or be unhappy myself. It has even got to the point where he almost makes me believe I am the one causing the whole trouble, but friends tell me I am not unreasonable. Can anyone advise? Cheryl.
B1: Submit S1Dear Dr. Irene, I have been abused and an abuser in my life. I have recently become aware of a genetic mental disorder that I think may have an influence on me. My dad and 1 brother are bi-polar. My older brother is cyclothymic. I often am depressed. I am not on any medication or have been for 6 years. I have been diagnosed as ADD. and think that my mood swings play an important role in how I see myself and how I interact with others. I don't seem to be the life of the party yet enjoy quality friends. I don't have many of them as I haven't done a lot to make and maintain friendships. I am a good person with a good heart. I am afraid of getting hurt so I don't let people close to me. My behavior has many hidden little conditioned behaviour reactions. I relate to many of the co-dependant and abuser type cast roles. I don't want to hurt people but I seem to do self centred things that put people off or keep me from developing trust. I haven't had good examples in my childhood. I have been around abusers and not realized that it was them and not to buy into that crap. I didn't realize it but I have continued those abusive patterns in minor ways. I don't feel good about it and work through the problems as best as I can. I am single now as I wasn't able to trust and open up and commit to my last sweetie. She is a great gal and after reading your info on abusive relationships we both realized that I am abusive and she plays the victim role. Together we were constantly processing. I shut down a lot when I felt I was wrong again. Everyday, I did something that was bad. I had a hard time with that. I take responsibility for my actions and do my best to not repeat the same behavior. I am lonely and depressed. I have a hard time feeling lovable. I have a lot to offer and I am attractive. I am afraid to let anyone in my heart. Thanks S.F.D.J.
B1: Submit S1To Rough Ride, 3/12/001 Your story is also mine, you'll find mine under "living with a borderline" among the stories above. I know exactly what you are going through. I can tell you that after 30 years I finally broke up with my lover some weeks after I posted my story here. We had been having a fight by e-mail for some weeks, like always, but until now I had never had the courage to stand up for myself. I always took his abuse because I thought I was nothing without him. But it suddenly hit me when I had printed out our last e-mail correspondence. Reading it as a whole I saw a pattern in his writings that I had never noticed before. Everything was okay until I wrote something he did not like. At such a moment he went crazy and accused ME of making HIM angry. For 30 years he has made me believe I was the aggressor, the guilty one. While all the while he just behaved like a spoilt child that can't have its way. At that moment I was really angry for the first time. At that moment I told myself that I would never let anybody treat me like dirt again. For the first time in 30 years I felt okay about myself. I still had huge feelings of loss and pain and fear of being nothing without him, but somehow this feeling of pride was stronger. It lasted long enough to keep me from giving in and contacting him again, like I had done a million times before. So he now knows I'm serious and has for the moment giving up harassing me. He will bother me again some day, I know this for sure, but for the moment it has bought me time for myself. It feels like quitting smoking. You know it's bad for you, so you are happy you have kicked the habit. Now you'll have to learn to hold on and find new, healthier habits. By the time he will start bothering me again I must be strong enough to resist him. So I fight and I work hard. I keep reading the e-mails on and on every day, just to remind me what a really sick person he is. Rationally, I also keep telling myself that the only thing he has ever given me is PROMISES and abuse, nothing else. Every time I feel bad and I miss him, I allow myself time to cry and rage and throw things, but no more. I have taken up lots of extra activities to keep myself from depression or lethargy. I also keep a diary and write down my progress every day, like "have only cried 3 times today" or "have not thought about him today". It helps to keep the feeling of pride, and it teaches me that I am really making progress. Also from day one I have had this huge feeling of relief and peace, because he is not pushing and pressing me anymore. I listen carefully to this feeling because it also helps me to hold on. So my advice in short is: break up IN YOUR MIND at a moment that you are finally REALLY angry enough, keep him as long as possible from bothering you (disappear for a time if necessary), cry when you need to, but notice or write down every positive feeling about yourself. He stinks, that's his problem, let him deal with it (or not, who cares). You are okay, you deserve respect from others and pride about yourself. It takes time, but you can do it, like I do. I'll be here every day and will look for your posts on this site. Write if you need to. Good luck from Pi.
B1: Submit S1Success Story Update Hi Dr. Irene and everybody! It's been a long time since I've been here, I guess because I haven't really needed to be. That's a good thing! I was on here quite a bit last year as "SatokoGirl". I just wanted to let everyone know about our continued success. The back-story (short short version) is this: Got involved in a long-distance relationship with a young, verbally abusive, controlling man. About a year into the relationship we discovered Dr. Irene's board and I became active on the board, as well as in some of the various email groups. Eventually, my boyfriend agreed to seek help, and started reading books, dealing with his own childhood abuse, going to an "angry men's group" as well as getting individual therapy. He moved across the country to be with me, but we didn't start living together officially until this week, which is why I figure it's a good time to call us an official "success". We just celebrated our 2 year anniversary. While we're not married and we haven't been together that long, I think we have a very solid relationship these days. My boyfriend is still going to therapy and group, and has no plans to quit either. In fact, he never complains about going- he enjoys it! We both often take for granted now days just how far our relationship has come. We still fight, sure, but it's more likely to be about typical 'couple stuff' like finances or chores instead of the crazy things that the abuse caused us to fight about. I find myself being more able to deal with his anger, and less likely to label certain behavior that I don't like as "abuse". I may not like it if he's angry at me, if I realize that if I say anything I don't like is "abusive" he won't take me seriously when he really is being abusive (and yes, he does slip up from time to time). I think I've mostly dealt with my victim's anger, but it's taken a LONG time, and it was hard. There was a lot of it to deal with! But now we're both consciously trying to hold ourselves to the same code of conduct when fighting- no yelling, no name calling, no sarcasm or belittling, act. When we're too angry, we take a break from each other, although we still need to work on taking those breaks nicely instead of slamming doors and such. I still have some text files of emails saved back from the days when he was really abusive- it's amazing how everything has changed. I'm very, very proud of him for doing all the hard work he's done, and continuing to work. He's slowly beginning to realize that he has self-worth, and to give himself credit for his accomplishments. I, meanwhile, have learned not to invade his privacy or his personal stuff dealing with his therapy- I used to want to control it, but I've realized that's flawed, and now he only shares his experiences if he wants to, not because I'm pushing him to. This fall we both moved to the same area, but I didn't move in with him right away because even though his behavior had been improving, I didn't want to get stuck in an abusive situation, and considering that he makes a lot more money than I, that could have very well happened. However, after 6 months of 'having my own place' but spending all my time at 'his', we've decided it's safe to move in together, and we work very well together in that regard. Everything is great. The rollercoaster we used to be on is over. Sure, sometimes the highs from the rollercoaster were exhilarating, and we're much more mellow now, it's definitely worth it. We plan on getting married in a few years- no rush, but we're definitely in this for the long haul. Thanks Dr. Irene for having this site and all your help! -SatokoGirl
B1: Submit S1Dear readers, I have had an emotionally and verbally abusive guy friend for a few years, who also has bi polar manic depression. Upon breaking into my apartment and stealing a ring and cutting my cable wires for watching too much cable, he denied taking the ring then proceeded to help me look for it. Guess what? He had it all along. What a surprise. Isn't that called upsetting a persons reality causing anxiety. Control? Ya think? Then I told him to get lost. What do you think he did next? I had attended co dependants anonymous meetings for two years. He decided to enter into that arena and go after my sponsor and ex boyfriend and just the people I was close to. What a surprise to find people treating me differently. Hmmm? I heard about his bad mouthing me, divulging my deepest darkest secrets, playing on my fears. I had to leave all of my friends and support network to get away from this crazy person who decided he was never going to let me go now that he has found me again. His words, folks. Never mind I have been telling him I am not attracted and have never even kissed him. YUUK! Invasion of space, isolation of friends and support. Verbal and emotional abuse. Telling people I was close to that "I was the best lay he'd ever had, and we were soul mates, and he also tells people how he forced sex on his ex girlfriend, and beat her up. Charming guy, huh? Anybody want a date. Better some other girl then me. Unfortunate, but true. He is a total and utter disgusting, &*^*(*()*). Get the picture folks? When you see red flags RUN RUN RUN don't walk run. I have new friends now who are respectful and most important believe me. That particular coda group, I guess was easily manipulated by this ted Bundy in the making. They can have him. I am free and choose to stay that way. It was hard leaving all of my naive recovery friend, but well worth the freedom and peace of mind. A note: Validate yourselves out there, nobody knows what you've been through except you and God. Quote: Little man who stands so tall, the man above will watch you fall. Take care, and be gentle with yourselves, your life depends on it. Serena Thomkins, Read, read, read, and educated yourselves.
B1: Submit S1I was reading back over the old My Stories and I noticed a couple of posts from younger people who had been verbally abused by either their mom or dad. I'm 19 and my dad is very verbally abusive. I was just wondering if anyone out there who is maybe in their teens or early 20's who have been in this situation, would want to e-mail me? I'd really like to talk to someone my age who can relate to what I'm going through. Please e-mail me at jurnygal@hotmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you.
B1: Submit S1My name is "W", I am thirty two years of age. I have been abused all of my life. Three terrible stepfathers (one molested and beat me, sometimes even while my Mother was home - he would force me to take showers with him, perform oral sex, and make out with him - from eleven to thirteen years of age), My Mother is incredibly insecure, germ obsessed, hates other women, and she married money. She, pretty much... abandoned me, when I was sixteen. I never even went to high school. I barely earn enough to survive now, and I am on food stamps - my Mother is a millionaire, with two teenaged kids from marriage #4. I am the "throw away kid" (this is what several psychotherapists have called me.) At this point in my life, she mostly just tries to degrade and frustrate me with negative comments. She takes no pride in anything I have ever accomplished. She acts envious, cold, and undermining. She is constantly trying to "pretend" that she cares - however, I have witnessed her malicious behaaviours time and time again, and I know she is lying. I am trying to work through all of this anger and sadness now, in the midst of a terrible relationship with my Boyfriend. In 1999, I left my Boyfriend of 10 years. "F". became very self centered and violent. I should have left him the first time he hit me. I cheated on him, because I was lonely, and that is when the hitting really started. He did not want to break up with me, but he screamed at me, threw food and things at me, shoved me into walls, blocked doors, and one time even spit in my face... calling me a whore. He found a "nice girl" on an internet personal ad site only 2 months after I left him. Less than a year later, he married her. He still works for my stepfather "D". (#4) on my family's property, in an office that my Stepfather runs. We were living in their home, (which is quite large, and incredibly beautiful) at the point that I left him. My Mother witnessed him shoving me and calling me names on more than a few occasions, and still let him stay after I ran for my life. I have begged my Mother to get my Stepfather to fire him. I have told them how much it hurts me, I feel betrayed by them. I can't even go and visit my teenaged sister, because it hurts too much to know that he is there 5 days a week. I don't even want to see his car in the driveway - it makes me so sad, that I end up sobbing. He gets to play with the dogs, and eat lunch in my Mother's kitchen. Sometimes, she has him help around the house. I can't believe how they are treating me, I am beside myself. When I left that situation, I fled to another state, and moved in with a male friend of mine. One thing led to another and we became very seriously involved. There were so many red flags, but I refused to see them flying right in front of me. I was so needy and miserable after leaving "F", that I just accepted the off kilter things that he said to me as just random nothingness. This "random nothingness" never went away. A year and a half later, I am in the middle of a really bad situation. He verbally abuses me almost daily - lashing out at me for even little things .He is jobless, narcissistic, diagnosed mentally ill, on medication, and seems to hate his Mother (who pays his rent and some of his bills every month.) He has children with two Ex Girlfriends, and he doesn't support them. (Deadbeat dad) (he barely even calls to see if they are ok.) He refuses to bathe more than once every eight days (and I am constantly having to change the sheets from his smell.) He never ever compliments me, even after sex. (He never calls it "making love".) He barely kisses me, and does almost nothing for me. He says things to me like "you are not special - no one is." and "I refuse to kiss your ass, like everyone else did." He expects me to be home all of the time (because he says he is "agoraphobic") and he hates to go out to have any sort of fun - he spends almost all of his time smoking marijuana (that I buy for him because I see that it calms him down), and playing video games. However, when he needs to go out to get something for himself... like a book, movie, or video game, he will go out. I am the one that ends up forking over money for these items. I even buy him his cigarettes. I do all of the errands, buy all of the food, and do all of the laundry. He is basically arrogant and totally insecure (the arrogance seems to be an act to make people think that he is not insecure.) He makes me feel small and weak. He has placed restrictions on what I can talk about with him, (if I ever bring up anything that he doesn't want to hear about, or even criticize him in any way, or... even offer some mild advice- he will scream so loudly and so close to me, that he gets spit in my eyes. it reminds me of a drill instructor. I have dyed my hair dark brown (because he does not like blonde hair) and I have grown it out very long for him (because he doesn't like the look of short hair on women.) He refuses to have oral sex with me - in any form, and withholds affection (seemingly as punishment), and a way of controlling me. He says that he has a "low sex drive" but I do not think this is really true, because he constantly tries to grope me in his sleep (he is intensely repressed - and it is completely self inflicted.) He talks about himself constantly, and when you try to speak with him about your interests or what you are up to, he acts as if he is not paying full attention. If you do not pay total attention to him when he is speaking, he gets very upset. I have tried to leave him several times, only to return --lonely, crying, and desperate. One time, when I left - he called my mobile phone more than 20 times, and he even told me that "if he wanted to kill himself, he could... and I couldn't do anything to stop him." I used to be so secure, and was actually able to trust people. Now, I feel like a beaten cat. I am controlled. My heart aches almost daily. I have nowhere to go that is safe, no money, and my Mother and Stepdad do not seem to care about it. I do not know what to do. I do not want to care about this person - I think that he doesn't care about himself or anyone else really... I think that he freaks out on meals) because I have actually done something with my life (even though I am poor, I have achieved things - and finished projects,) I still continue to try to peruse goals in the midst of all this crazymaking. I just don't know what to do next... I have tried everything to make this work out. I have never cheated on this person, and I am very attentive to his needs - I just don't feel loved.
B1: Submit S1Dear Friend, I kept the secret of how much I was abused by my father, T. Land child, for many years. I hid the shame, afraid to be pitied if I told. My mom was afraid to leave him, having been convinced by him that she would never make it on her own. But I'm writing to tell you a happy story. I realized as a teenager that I had nothing to be ashamed of--he did! And I started telling the truth. I grew up, and I grew stronger. A while later, Mom followed suit and divorced him--and guess what? She did great on her own: she started her own company, took care of her kids (she'd been doing that alone for years anyway) and supported her family. But then I started dating, and the only relationship model that I had seen growing up was a terrible one. I didn't know how to have a healthy relationship and ended up dating scumbags like my father. I've read that this is a common trend--abused children marry abusers, or become abusers themselves. I was terrified to have children and do the same to them. But really, this is a happy story! Because I recognized what I was doing and changed. It was hard and took time, but gradually I was dating nicer guys. Now, years later, I'm married to the sweetest man in the world, and neither of us would raise a hand to the other or our children. So I'm writing to tell everyone that you can break from the cycle. There are happy endings for us all. I have one problem though. I'd appreciate your suggestions. I'm very proud of my name: Landchild. Its a name that my mom created for her family because she didn't want to go by her husband's name. Unfortunately, my father kept the name as well after the divorce. I want to keep the name, but it means that every time someone searches for me, they find him, and I'm tired of the connection. Would you give up your name to help severe the tie to a past abuser? |
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