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Victim Anger: Missing The Point

Victim Anger: Missing The Point

May 15, 2001


    I have read your web site and was knocked out by what I read,  it was exactly what my present husband does, says, and has distorted everything I say, do, and think. I was so dumbfounded, at the exactness. 

I have mentioned counseling too him, because I realized I needed something or someone to help me with my anger. I am and have never been an angry person, but he just sets me off with his ways. I am not angry, I'm about a mile past at infuriated!  After reading your website now I know why and I have to start taking full responsibility for this anger,  and feelings that I have about myself.  I asked him did he get counseling yet and he says " oh yea", but I don't think he has because then he says " how can I talk to some one when it's just half the story, and anyway you need to see someone".  From my understanding on how to handle this I can only worry about me.  I will no longer bug him about this, he's made up his mind. We have three kids and I didn't realize it but my anger spilled out unto our kids, I just didn't realize, and now I do.  I prayed so hard,  and was much more relieved to understand why I was so angry.  I went to my stepson's carnival today, like I promised him and didn't blow it off, he was so proud of me, it felt so good.  

Throughout my life in relationships with men, I have had almost no boundaries, I always thought if you love someone you do what they ask, this thinking has landed me in 2 torn marriages, and damage to my sense of self and a lack of self-discipline, I have yet to fully understand the full impact of even to this day.  Maybe my first marriage could have worked out.  My second was murderously abusive, and frightening, he enjoyed fear, intimidation, hitting, screaming, yelling, but slightly psychotic, he says one night " I'm already dead, I'm just here for the children". I'll never forget this for the rest or my life. I left him and took my son, he did tell me " if you leave, I won't have anything to do with that kid". I thought to myself "good".  

Any way this third marriage unfortunately is what you explained about in the more controlling aspect, but not as violent as the first, and I am the one who gets very angry at his constantly being controlling, and so I have done some outlandish things in retaliation. He wouldn't get out my car so I drove him to the police station;  one day he sat on the hood of my car, so I took off with him on the hood and then swung the car, and he was rolled off, I almost hit him. I've thrown things at him.  I read your website and I felt shame and no anger at him anymore, but very down on myself. sorry for the lack of brevity in this letter.

Dear Kara,

Then you're missing the whole point. Stop wasting energy blaming yourself. Knowledge is power. You are now in the wonderful position of being able to use your energy constructively - and begin taking charge of your life.

Warmest regards,
Dr. Irene