| April 30, 2001
After
having read the chapters on Narcissism I can say that I am married to a
classic narcissist. I do not think she is anything but an image, and a
very beautiful one at that. My wife treats me like an instrument, not a
human being at all. We have only been married for 10 months and I have
been going through two months of hell with her. She does not touch me, nor
does she have any interest in any emotional or physical contact with me,
including kissing. She simply tells me that she is not motivated by the
relationship. Yolanda treats me very poorly but she denies it whenever the
subject is brought up. She doesn't think it is abuse to say, "You
just have to bear with me or you know where the door is." Yolanda has
always had difficulty being emotional and looks down at the
sensitive, sentimental people of the world. I have always told her that
she cannot elicit sympathy or empathy for anyone.
Initially,
Yolanda was a dream come true, just like it said in the Narcissism
chapters. She was
wonderful to me, trying to do everything for me and being very, very sweet
and naive. She talked about her family, her previous relationship and her
goals. She never mentioned friends - because she has none.
My
wife is a beautiful woman and I am an average looking man. Her first
husband is probably not even as good looking as I am. Yolanda definitely
feels superior to both of us because of her physical qualities. She has no
interest in having a real marriage where things are shared. She has a
definite interest in acquiring material goodies for herself, but not for the both
of us. She did her taxes by herself and spent all of the money on herself
and her bills. She used some of it to get plastic surgery to remove fat
from her thighs. This was money that was supposed to go into a savings
account for the both of us so that we could buy a house together. I
decided to split up the money at that point. Now she is buying a house by
herself with her second mortgage.
Sex
to Yolanda is a chore. She rarely initiates it, even when things are going
well. She is very good in bed but she lacks emotion and will only do what
she wants to do at that time. One of her favorite sexual activities is to
bite me. When she does this she sounds like she is gaining power, making
these strange noises that bother me much more after having read these
pages. At this point, Yolanda has totally withdrawn from the relationship
and has lost all interest in me. She tells me that I could still have sex
with her but this is only out of obligation to the marriage. I think that
even she would agree that 10 months is too short a time to lose interest
in your "husband".
Yolanda
cannot have friends. She never returns phone calls. She has contempt for
others and she does not see the need to treat people with anything
resembling kindness. It's incredible that she also claims to be a
religious woman.
We
were together on two occasions before we got married and she broke up with
me both times on her own terms. When I suggested that we break up, she
would cry and tell me not to do it. Then she broke up with me after I
slipped on a staircase and hurt my back. I had been moving her car.
My
life with my "wife" has created so much tension and anxiety that
it doesn't seem worth it to wait for her to recover. I am only staying
because of my religious beliefs. I have asked her to make the decision and
I will abide by it. Until then I will stay there and listen for God's
Word. Maybe God doesn't want me to suffer anymore and He will rescue me.
Do you think that anxiety attacks whenever I am around her is a sign? I am
starting to look for anything.
J, I think God expects us to help ourselves. He gave
us free will... Staying despite your panic attacks is your choice.
Nothing noble here. But what a difference in you! What a difference in how
you are handling this. You have grown J; you now have enough confidence in
yourSelf that, despite your pain, you will no longer orchestrate your own
destruction. That is, you know, what you did before...
I
will not be the one to cure Yolanda of her narcissism. I will not break my
wedding vows even though I now realize that may be the one thing I could do to
send her into a life crisis. I've already told her I would leave when
asked, but not before she got the divorce papers together. If this is to
end, it has to completely end. I do not want this woman in my life at all.
I don't want her coming back, as she did twice in the past. I kept thinking
that she was back because she wanted to rectify what had gone wrong in the
past. But I now realize she is just using me because she needs somebody to
push around and I am her "victim". She
needs some body to take care of her J. While she is not being mean
in the classic sense of mean, she is withholding love from me, withholding
sex, saying little things that are not nice, and not behaving like a wife
regardless of who is gauging it. Covert
abuse. I don't even think that she will ever
have a successful relationship, unless she could find another narcissist
to bond with. She will only destroy others in her path. I feel fortunate
that I am pretty mentally tough and I also have God on my side. Well, He's
on her side too if she wants Him.....I doubt she's even asking Him to
help.
Ouchhh! What is it about those
unavailable people - we just have to have! You can read the
posts and/or look at this October, 2001 letter
about one guy who identified with J's dilemma. Doc. Jay's next letter
follows here. |
