Hopeless Victim? The Wisdom to Change is Inside

DEAR DR. IRENE,

I'M 25, I'VE GOT AN EIGHT YEAR OLD DAUGHTER FROM MY FIRST MARRIAGE AND AM RE-MARRIED NOW, ALMOST 5 YEARS. WE WERE BOTH MARRIED TO OTHER PEOPLE AND LEFT OUR MARRIAGES FOR EACH OTHER. HE LEFT 4 YOUNG KIDS BEHIND. I ALWAYS FELT GUILTY ABOUT CHEATING WITH HIM, BUT I MARRIED AT 15 {NO EXCUSE, REALLY!}. THEN WE MOVED IN TOGETHER AND HE ALWAYS WAS CRUEL TO HER, IRREGARDLESS THAT HE HAD DONE HER WRONG. HE'D ACTUALLY LAUGH ABOUT IT! AFTER 2-3 MONTHS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP HE HAD BEGUN TO MAKE ME CRY, BUT I HAD NO JOB, NO HUSBAND TO RETURN TO AND THE SEX WAS "EARTH SHAKINGLY GREAT"!  I CONTINUED ON. LATER HE BEGAN TO BE PHYSICAL, PUSHING, POKING ME IN THE FACE & CHEST, LITTLE THINGS THAT SLOWLY BEGAN TO DESTROY MY SPIRIT. I SAW HIM AS A "WOUNDED SOUL" THAT IF I LOVED LONG ENOUGH, STRONG ENOUGH, DESPITE HIS COLD CRUEL WAYS HE WOULD HAVE TO SEE I WAS WORTH LOVING & KEEPING. THE HONEST POINT OF IT IS THAT I WONDER NOW WAS THE FACT OF HIS BEING LOVED SO WORTH THE DEATH OF MY HEART? TODAY HE HAS CHEATED ON ME {5MOS. INTO THE MARRIAGE & I SAW HIM} AND BEEN SO NASTY THAT I ACTUALLY WISH HE'D GO AWAY FOREVER, I WISH HE WERE STILL WITH HIS EX-WIFE, THEN SHE'D BE THE ONE HURTING! I'M PREGNANT NOW AND HE IS SO HATEFUL TO ME ALL I DO IS CRY, HE WANTED THIS BABY FOR YEARS BEFORE I AGREED TO IT. HE ALWAYS SAID MY DAUGHTER LIVED HERE BUT HE HAD NO PART OF HIS SELF HERE AND ONCE AGAIN I BELIEVED HE'D CHANGE IF I GAVE HIM WHAT HE SAID HE WANTED!

AFTER HIS CHEATING, I HOOKED MAKING GREAT MONEY, ONLY TO STILL CONTINUE THE MARRIAGE WITH HIS PROMISES OF LOVE FOR ME! I KEPT WORKING BECAUSE IT GAVE ME THE SENSE OF SOME TYPE OF "CONTROL", HE LOVES MONEY AND IF I MADE IT MAYBE HE'D LOVE ME AND BE SOOOO GOOD TO ME! EVEN IF IT WAS ONLY THE FINANCIAL BENEFITS, I DIDN'T CARE {WELL I DID}. BUT THE MORE I BOUGHT AND GAVE HIM, THE WORSE HE BEGAN TO TREAT ME. NOW I CAN'T WORK OF COURSE UNTIL THE BABY IS BORN. HE IS SO HATEFUL THAT IT'S KILLING ME AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT FOR A FEW LONG MONTHS REALLY! I SLEEP ON OUR COUCH AND NOW BELIEVE HE IS SEEING SOME ONE ELSE AND I MAY BE EMOTIONAL DUE TO THE PREGNANCY SOMETIMES, BUT I AM NOT UNSTABLE NOR CRAZY, I HAVE NOT BEEN PREGNANT BUT SEVERAL MONTHS OF THE 5 YEARS!!! PART OF THIS IS MY FAULT FOR TOLERATING IT AND ALLOWING MY SELF TO BECOME PREGNANT WITH THIS INNOCENT CHILD WHOM I'M DESPERATELY IN LOVE WITH ALREADY! BUT HE TOO HAS NEGLECTED AND SOMEWHAT ABUSED HIS OLDEST KIDS AND NOW I SEE THIS WILL BE NO DIFFERENT TO HIM THAN ME OR THE OTHER CHILDREN! HE MADE THE COMMENT JUST YESTERDAY THAT I COULD GIVE THIS BABY MY MAIDEN NAME FOR MUCH AS HE CARES! I SLAPPED HIM BEFORE I REALIZED WHAT I HAD DONE, WELL HE SLAPPED ME BACK AND PERHAPS I GOT WHAT I DESERVED FOR HITTING HIM BUT HIS WORD CUT THROUGH THE FLESH DIRECTLY TO THE BONE...PLEASE E-MAIL ME, HE WILL NOT RETRIEVE THIS AND IF HE DOES, SO...  IT DOESN'T MATTER ANY MORE, HE STAYS ANGRY ANY HOW! I'M EMBARRASSED TO HAVE GIVEN SO MUCH OF MYSELF AND TO HAVE COMPROMISED WHO I WAS TO PLEASE THE UN-PLEASURABLE, THE CRUEL AND NASTY. AM I JUST A FOOL? HE SAYS I'M SICK AND NEED HELP, I THINK HE DOES, BUT I WONDER IF MY SANITY IS AT RISK OR DO I HAVE NONE HE IS ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT. I WANT OUT, I WANT TO LEAVE BEFORE I HAVE THIS BABY, HE DOESN'T DESERVE TO GET TO PARTICIPATE IN THE JOY OF THIS, NOT AFTER ALL THE TEARS HE'S MADE ME CRY KNOWING I NEEDED HIS LOVE NOW MORE THAN EVER. LAST NOTE HE NEVER EVER APOLOGIZES OR HUGS WHEN I CRY, HE GETS ANGRY OR JUST GOES TO BED AND IS ALSO CAPABLE OF IGNORING MY EVERY EFFORT, CRY, TALK, BEG, SCREAM OR CUSS LOUDLY. I GO UNHEARD AND I NEED A FRIEND OR SOME ADVICE, I NEED TO KNOW AM I THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM, AM I ASKING TOO MUCH OF HIM??

        WAITING ANXIOUSLY!!
        DESPERATE DEIDRE

Dear Deidre,

I would like you to try an exercise. Read your email as though you are reading about someone you do not know. What advice would you give this person?
Dr. Irene

DEAR DR. IRENE,

GEE I WOULD ABOUT CRY IF I DIDN'T KNOW THAT PERSONS LETTER I JUST READ WAS MY OWN. { WELL ACTUALLY I DID CRY, AGAIN} BUT I'D TELL HER TO TAKE HER HEART AWAY FROM SOME ONE WHO DOESN'T DESERVE SUCH A GIVING PERSON TO LOVE HIM! I'D TELL HER IF SHE HAS SURVIVED THIS MANS SHIT THAT SHE CAN HAVE THAT BABY ALONE & TAKE CARE OF HER KIDS BETTER WITH OUT HIM IN THEIR LIVES. I'D TELL HER TO FORGET THE "FANTASY" OF HIM CHANGING, HE'S A SELF MADE S.O.B. AND WILL CONTINUE TO ABUSE EVERYBODY WHO STEPS IN HIS PATH, EITHER TO LOVE HIM OR
OTHERWISE AND THAT THE CHILD WILL PAY A BIGGER PRICE IF SHE CONTINUES ON WITH THAT RELATIONSHIP/HELL!!! I WOULD TELL HER TO PUT HER FEAR ASIDE & GET SOME BALLS AND DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE FOR THE BETTERMENT OF HERSELF AND HER BABIES. I'D LET HER KNOW THAT YES, YES, YES HOLDING ON IS A GREAT ADMIRABLE STRENGTH BUT IT CAN BE A DANGEROUS WEAKNESS AS WELL! DANGEROUS EMOTIONALLY & PERHAPS PHYSICALLY TOO... I'D TELL HER FORGET HIS ASS & LOVE HER & HER KIDS AND STOP THE TEARS AND LEARN TO SMILE AGAIN. I'D HUG HER AND WISH HER A BEAUTIFUL LOVE INTO HER LIFE SOMEDAY THAT WOULD HELP HER HEAL HER HEART, SOUL, AND SPIRIT. WHAT ADVICE FROM A WOMAN WHO SITS SCARED OF MAKING ANOTHER BAD CHOICE! WHAT I MEAN IS IT'S SOOO EASY TO SAY BUT ACTUALLY HAVING TO MAKE YOURSELF GET MOTIVATED TO DO IT, TO MAKE THE CHANGE IS TERRIFYING!!!!
DEIDRE

Dear Deidre,
Yes. And you are the only one in the world who has the power to change your life.
My warmest regards,
Dr. Irene