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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

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1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

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7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Anger & Cycle Theory (Men & The Anger Within)

Book  Excerpt: Anger & The Cycle Theory (Men and the Anger Within)

by Wayne L. Misner

"Never feel self-pity, the most destructive emotion there is.
How awful to be caught up in the terrible squirrel cage of
self."  - Millicent Fenwick

October 4, 2001

Wayne, author, of Men Don't Listen, has graciously contributed a second article from his book.  Read his first contribution Starting Again, and then read a little about the author at the bottom of this page. Thanks Wayne!

Want to talk to Wayne? You can! See the interactive board at the bottom of this page.

Anger & The Cycle Theory

The cycle theory, consisting of some form of tension building stage, then the explosion stage, then the honeymoon stage, is just one of many theories around today.  It does seem that when anyone holds in all of their emotions and tries to control them, the tension definitely builds. Observing the release of these suppressed emotions seems to verify that the anger release is not in direct proportion to the event that precipitated the explosion.

The honeymoon stage is not difficult to understand.  The individual who exploded feels like a complete jerk.   So, to make up for this inappropriate behavior, buys flowers, takes her to dinner and swears it will never happen again.  (In some cases where it has happened again and again, they now beg her to forgive them.)

 I believe a pressure-cooker that has the release valve clogged up, will have the same tension building stage and explosion stage to follow.  The solution to the pressure cooker problem is the exact same solution for you or your loved one.  Release the tension slowly as it builds up.  Very simple, but very difficult for a man, who has this belief system that if he shows emotions, he is not strong and therefore is not a man.

Another result of not letting the emotions come out, is that men are struggling with the problem of buried feelings.  These feelings are hidden so well and buried so deep that they cannot feel at all.  He is almost a robot.  Some men have broken out of this trance through some form of trauma.  It might have been a heart attack, a life-threatening event (car accident, plane accident, near drowning, work-related accident), or losing something important.  This could be his job, a loved one through death or his significant other because he could not open up to allow her in, or he was abusive this angry explosions may have driven her away.  That big wall he is hiding behind not only allows no one in, but also is his prison cell.  He cannot get out.  (A life sentence!  What a price to pay for being afraid of feeling.)

Author Biography

Wayne L. Misner is owner of Healthcare CIO, a consultant company in New Jersey. He has been in the healthcare field for thirty-five years. In addition, he became the Vice President of Programs and Education for a NJ chapter of Parents Without Partners, where he moderated men and women’s groups across the state. For ten years, he had the opportunity to facilitate many groups of men and women who were struggling with not being able to listen. While at the Rehabilitation Hospital he also was a facilitator of the women’s group for both inpatients and outpatients.

Over all these years he has installed systems in Jersey Shore Medical Center (Meridian Health System), St. Elizabeth Hospital (Trinitas), and Morristown Medical Center (Atlantic Health System). In addition, he has directed the Information Systems Centers at Carrier Rehabilitation Hospital and Shore Memorial Hospital. As Vice President of the Princeton based NJ Hospital Association, Mr. Misner represented all the hospital members directing, “The Hospital Information System.”  

He is the father of two sons and one daughter and is one of the men he has written about. 

For an autographed copy of Men Don’t Listen, send a Money Order of $14.95 + $5.00 for postage & handling (sum of $19.95) to:  

Wayne L. Misner, President             
Healthcare CIO                   
10 Wayne Court
Edison, NJ 08820
Email  =


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Reprinted by permission of Wayne L. Misner. To reprint this article, please contact the author at