Book Excerpt: Starting Again

I had a male friend who would have breakfast with me on Sunday mornings every once in a while.  On one of these occasions, we were eating breakfast and he seemed preoccupied and in his own little world.  I asked him if there was anything wrong, and he started to explain that his dog had died last week.  The dog was seventeen years old, and he had trained him from a puppy.  The dog could dance, sit-up, beg, roll over, “say his prayers,” and many other tricks. My friend hurt so much that as he was talking about his dog, he had tears in his eyes. He swore he would never have another dog, because losing him was so painful that he never wanted to go though this again. However, over the next six months my friend became very depressed. When he came home from work to his empty apartment, he felt very alone and missed his dog more.

Well, the next time we had breakfast together he was smiling and it really seemed that he had perked up.  He told me he had bought a new puppy and that something amazing was happening.  The love he had for his old dog was still there, but a new spot had opened up in his heart with love for the puppy. It is amazing just how much love humans have, with a capability of sharing love with many.

We all must go on living, be it the loss of a pet or the loss of a loved one by death or divorce. If we get another love, a new spot in our heart will open up.

The Available Pool

The good news for my male readers is there are many available women. My female readers already know what the available pool of men is.

Statistics for women who remarry after divorce, published in Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage in the 1990’s, show by percentage (age groups ranging in five-year breakdowns) that after the age of thirty-four and before age fifty-five, approximately sixty-five percent of the women do remarry. What those figure also states loud and clear is that thirty-five percent do not remarry. That’s a tremendous number of women. (For those women over age fifty-five, I suspect the percentage figures for those who do not remarry are much higher, but are not available.) An article written in the Star Ledger printed the following statistics: 21 million women over the age of 18 never married, 11 million are widowed and 10 million are divorced.

Beverly Beyette wrote, "Are you over 40 and still unwed? Don’t give up”. She stated, “Still, the National Center for Health Statistics reports, a women in mid-to late 20s is five times as likely to marry for the first time as a women 40 to 44. And, as she ages, her chances lessen.” With single, never married, and those married before, the statistics show a depressing fact. There are not enough good men to go around.

Now, it is possible some of the unmarried group are living with someone, dating, do not want to marry, etc. (The sad part is, for those who do really want another chance, they may not ever get that opportunity.)

Why? Because of the limited available pool of single men. When taken into account that women live seven to eight years longer than men, the results are more single women than men. One day when the reader has a few minutes to spare, read the obituaries of one of the larger circulated newspapers. You will see announcement after announcement, “Mr. James Thoms, 74, died etc. Surviving are his wife, Susan, two daughters, Jill, and Frances.” (Most of the obituaries reveal that the wife is surviving.) Add to this, death by wars. (World War II, Korean War, and Viet Nam War, where hundreds of thousands of young men lost their lives and are gone forever and that approximately two hundred military deaths a year occur in peacetime.) Three and a half million war veterans, crime victims and others with horrifying experiences struggle with the persistent vigilance and terror of post-traumatic stress disorder. (Some in this count are women.) 

The Daily News USA Weekend Section printed these statistics: out of 10 on-the-job fatalities are men, 5 out of 7 victims of traffic accidents are men, 4 out of 5 homicide victims are men, at least 4 out of 5 suicides are men, 9 out of 10 HIV-related deaths are men. The Star Ledger  article, “When women die at work, look for murder.” It also found that the number of work-place homicides is higher among men than women.” Add the number of men that are in all the prison systems 1,090,600 men compared to 71,800 women. (Source: 2000 Almanac by The New York Times.), the number of bus, truck, plane and train deaths where there are more males riding as passengers and dying in accidents. More serious disabilities in the work force happen to males for they are normally in more dangerous occupations. Now subtract from the available male pool the group of men that are abusers, homosexuals, alcoholics, drug abusers, and are impotent. Now take into consideration those who are not working, are part time workers, or have low-paying jobs which impact the ability to take a woman out, and add to these men those who are already dating or living with someone. What are left, is not enough good men for all the women available. In 1998, there were 19.4 million currently divorced persons in the U.S. There are more divorced women (11.1 million) than men (8.3 million), because women are less likely to remarry. (Source 2000 Almanac by The New York Times.)

If You Want To Start Again

Helena Hacker Rosenberg wrote How to Get Married After 35: A Game Plan for Love. (Even if you’re not over 35, the book is worth reading.) She says, “Know the difference between high standards--which you should have--and perfectionism.” Her advice is not only good for a future partner but might fit a present partner.

Imagine we are in a “Garage Sale,” sitting in a driveway on some old table. You buy us “as is.” Think of it more as if we were a valuable, rare antique piece of furniture. Each bump, bruise, and scratch are part of the history that makes this antique so scarce, precious, and valuable. Just like the antique, we cannot be replaced even through we contain flaws. You might be able to do some restoration, renovate pieces, and recondition areas; but you are not going to change a dresser into a chair. Be very realistic as to just how much someone will open up and change and to what degree idiosyncrasies can go away. Approximately sixty-nine percent of all relationship conflicts never will be resolved. It is more important not to hurt the other person instead of finding out who is right or wrong. Dale Carnegie, well known author and speaker, said. "No one ever wins an argument."

Thanks Wayne! This one deserves repeating: "Approximately sixty-nine percent of all relationship conflicts never will be resolved. It is more important not to hurt the other person instead of finding out who is right or wrong." (my italics) I guess you're trying to tell us why men don't listen...  Dr. Irene