May 15, 2000
My wife left me 3 months ago since she thinks I
am an verbally abusive husband. I have never hit my wife, so definitely
the is no physical abuse. Good!
My mother-in-law was physically, emotionally, and verbally
abused by her husband. They tried to work their marriage several times,
and now they have like 16 years separation, never divorced - and there
is no relationship between them. My point is that my mother-in-law
does not believe in man, and anything close to an abusive relationship,
she considers to be not worth pursuing. So, several times she took
the opportunity to influence my wife, which she does very well, to
abandon any effort to continue in a relationship with me - even though
we have 2 kids. I'm sorry to hear that.
Am I a verbally abusive person? Yes.
I've read ahead. And very controlling too. I do not know. Now you do. I have a difficult time expressing my
feelings, since I do not want to look weak before no one. I know
it is a mistake, and I am working on it.
GOOD. Never forget that only a strong person has the power to appear
weak - when they are... When I get hurt, I try in a peaceful manner
to express my concerns, but I do not do it very well; arguments escalate.
If the argument becomes pretty bad, I say wrongful things; I get out of
control, but only verbally. Stop minimizing.
It's not "only" verbally... Verbal abuse is horrible... Plus
you need to improve your anger management skills. Start with Ron Potter's very readable Angry All the Time, and go from there. There are lots of good
titles on The Bookshelf.
Now, since I do know about this, I try not to express
my concerns, but then I get resentful with the person. You need to express your concerns, but express
them respectfully. Also, don't assume that just because you have
expressed your concerns or asked for something that you will get it. Expect
that sometimes your concerns will be met, other times they will not be.
You have to learn to deal with this. This is life. Your resentment is
something you have to work on. This is YOUR issue. Then
I isolate myself from that person. Not OK. When
you isolate, you are acting out. Stop
sulking and deal with life.
For instance, my wife started coming back home around
10:00 pm. I know she has not been cheating on me, but that is not a right
thing to do. Correct. Now, you might
be thinking I want to control her, but, not at all. I have no problem if she were to be going
out with friends 2 or 3 times a month. But what about 2 or 3 times
a week? There is definitely something wrong. Yes. I am thinking why
is she so unhappy that she stays out so late, so often? I let
her do that, since I knew she was trying to call my attention to
something. You "let" her do that? What
right to you have to give her permission? We are already talking about control.
She is not the type of person that does that. But one night, I
exploded and told her that was wrong. She said that I was calling her a
bitch, and maybe I implied it, but did not say it directly. Same difference. Not OK. She got mad and wanted a
separation. I have been quiet for more than 2 or 3 months, accepting her
behavior, and now I am a bad person because I implied that her actions,
not her, were not lady like. She did not like your
feedback because you told her you wanted her home more. While you are
"correct," that is not what she wants to do. She is within her
rights, and you need to accept that. If you can't, pull away.
I get mad because every time I come home, she talks to
her mother over the phone 5 to 6 times in a period of 2 hours. She
pays no attention to me since she says she will not tell her mother not
to call her. Ok!!!! Her mother definitely controls her since she
is the one who calls her so many times. My wife does not understand she
is my wife and I need her, and then I am the bad guy because I want to
control her talking to her mother. Wow!!!!!!!!! STOP!
Did it ever occur to you that she may be talking to her mom so much -
because she is not happy talking with you? You seem to think you are in
a position to give her permission to go out, to talk with mom, etc.,
etc. WRONG. If your wife wants to get away, for whatever reason,
that is her prerogative. If you are not happy with her behavior, you can
tell her - once or twice. If she won't change, you are free to leave.
You cannot force her to behave the way a wife is "supposed" to
behave.
Now, if you hear her side, you will advise her to run immediately,
since she will not say the whole thing, just that I want to control her
going out and phone calls with her mother. You will say that I am
a controlling husband. You are a controlling
husband. And, I have only heard your side. You think you have
the right to expect wifely behavior simply because you married her. You
don't.
I do not think I am a controlling husband, I have hear so
many stories from your web site and I am not even close to any of them. Please... You are very controlling. You just don't see
it, which is par for the course. I know I have a bad
temper, which I have worked on over the years, and there must be order
in our life and lifestyles - but when I talk about them, I become accused
of being controlling. So what have I done? Plenty.
You have the right to impose order on yourself. You have the
right to ask your partner to impose order on herself. You do
not have the right to demand that she do so. Just because she is
your wife does not mean you own her! Stop asking for the
things I would like? Yes. If you have asked and
whatever you asked for is not offered, accept it. If you can't accept
it, you are free to leave. You have no right to try and make her comply!
But, you don't get that. Am I happy? No, so it's a matter of
accepting a bit of chaos or being called a controlling person. It's a matter of accepting that you can't dictate how
another should feel or act. But, you don't get that.
I know I have changes to make in myself YES. Big, big changes. Huge ones. You are controlling as
all heck... , and so does my wife I have no
information on your wife. , so my situation is acceptable to me.
But I have my story and I do not believe I am the bad guy nor she is the
bad person. But my wife tells her story like I am the bad person,
so her mother advises her for divorce. I can not understand her
mother's behavior, but I know there is God, and what we do here, we will
pay it later in God. I think you better start
praying for clarity and insight. You are so hell bent on seeing things
your way, you don't see what's in front of your nose...
I am trying to tell you that everybody has a story, and
their side is not necessarily the truth, it is just a side of the story.
I hear you. I do not like you to advise
people for divorce, it is wrong. I agree. I
know you mean well, but it is wrong. There are people involved and
your advices affects lives. Please think about it. Remember,
you will have to answer to God later on. Jake
Jake,
Divorce is about the last thing people
in our crazy, high-divorce rate society needs. But, marriage takes
two to make it work. You can't make marriage work when you
don't see your own faults. You can't make marriage work when you
assume that your wife is your possession - and that she should behave
like a wife! Look inside Jake. Ask yourself, without minimizing, why
your wife should behave like a wife. Have you behaved like a
husband? Have you loved, honored and obeyed? Have you
understood that life doesn't owe you squat, and that that is OK? Have
you understood that your partner has needs, wants, and desires too? What
makes her feelings less important than yours? Check it out Jake.
And, yes, I will answer to God. You answer to God too.
I'm posting a board for you and I will
ask readers for their comments. Feel free to participate in any
discussion. The purpose of this board is to help you see two inches past
the end of your nose. I love you Jake. I'm with
you. Dr. Irene
I just want to
read
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