Comments for Am I an Abusive Husband2?

Comments for Am I an Abusive Husband?

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from
your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos Copyright© 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Date: Tuesday, September 19, 2000

S1

I just want out. My husband too is verbally abusive. However, he has come after me and hurt my but not actually punched me. I have been in this marriage for ten years. As I see my husband grow I see his selfish ways become more demanding. I am scared that one day and one day soon he will hurt so bad it will change his and my two childrens lives. He has come after me in front of the children when he gets so angry. I work anywhere from 32-40 hours week but he seems to dismissed that role of my life and still expects to never having to deal with the children, only when it is convienent to him, have a shinny floor you can eat off of, and a hot meal on the table when he is around. At the same token, he believes he should come and go as pleases to do the guy thing. Watching football or whatever it is we or he can afford at that time. He yells at me when i try to take time out or do some work at home and tells me a am the worst mother he has ever known. He calls me all sorts of names and uses the most delicate hurtful issues that are in my life to make me feel worthless. He always tells the story his way to whoever but what he saids about me is exactly his own actions. He doesn't help disipline the children and when they get too much to handle he no longer wants to deal with it and turns the matter he has caused over to me to fix. My daughter is completely spoiled by him. If I say no more pets when she asks for a ginnie pig, he walks in the door with one. While she too was with him. he has her disobeying me and it hurts like hell. I help with her homework, get her what she needs for school and go to her activities, soccor,girlscouts,etc., he doesn't. he saids because he is working but I am usually working also but make arrangements. My job is not as important as his job even so he only makes $9,000 yearly more than me. I just want to leave and i don't know how to do it. We live in a nice residential area with good school disctricts but at the same token if I do stay around here I feel he is so angry at this point he will still try to make me feel no good. We have a mortgage, several bills, all current but in debt. I can't go on like this. I have no one close to turn to and receive support or help. I feel i am trap in this big dark and deep hole. I refuse to be the leave it to beaver wife. That is not me. So those hot meals and the shinny floors, they don't exist. i am too tired to do all that. I pay the bills, most of the time he has no clue what we owe he just yells about not having spending money when he wants it. Something is going to happen but I am not quite sure what that something is. i am a very independant person and at one time in our marriage,(3 weeks after my daughter was born) he left because i moaned about his free time verses mine. He was worried about his manly doings as his father had raised him and really believes that this is how it should be. i survived almost two years. Like, a fool I went back. Probaley because my new job didn't work out and I was having a very difficult time trying to find another. Unfortuneately for me, I landed a job in the middle of reconciling our relationship. But, at this point I felt obligated to go through with it. Since than we bought a house, and let me jsut say he din't think it was possible, and had a son two years later that I love dearly and is very active and takes up a lot of our time. he now is three. I was fine with having the one but he begged and said that my daughter will always wonder what it would be like to have another sibbling and he would be a much better father. Well, with the personalitiy of my son he can't handle i guess keeping that promise because he (my son) is something else. I am the only one in my family that achieved what I did. Even over my own mother. but because of the thinking of my husband and if it really takes two in this matter, my weekness and tireness, I can losethe house and good schools and decent people around me and my good credit to ever get another home. That is what hurts more than the rest. I can't see this house I can get on my own because the one I am in now will somehow be offset with the credit along with other debts if I leave and I will see my dream go. But the life I have now is making me feel worthless and I know it is getting to the kids. My son already turns on me from time to time when is father is around only. I love my kids. I do. he yells all the time I don't care about them in front of them. I try to avoid the arguments from continuing I walk away but he keeps it going. He is going to blow. His eyes are so scary. I want to be with my kids and start enjoying fun things. they are my life.

Date: Thursday, September 21, 2000

S1

september 20. 2000 Am I abusive wife? I am married to man who I would say is a very concerning man. We met two years ago and desided to get married. I have two children from other relationship.. That relationship was pretty abusive and my husbond in that matter was abusive. I left him and two years later I met this one. He was very concerned to take care of my children with me. In the beginning everything was like when newly wed couple are in love. Then soon it started to come up problems about his family. He lived in a diffrent country before and moved where we live now. His family used to depend on him as a supporter for the reason that he was a older brother and his father had died. Soon they were asking him to send them money because everything was so difficult after he left. He has brother´s and sister´s who are in the age 20-25 years of age and the youngest one says that it is like loosing a father when he left. I feel very guilty about taking him from them but at the same time I feel that I should not because he is my husbond. I told him early that we would not be able to call to them on the phone because it is exspensive and I locked the long distance phone line. He said that nobody would stop him to call his family and "I said I am not trying to stop you to do that but the phone bill will if they close the phone." I told him if he has to call then it is possible to go to the postoffice and order a call and because we have separate money he would have to pay that exspenses him self. I also told him many times to go back to them because I was feeling guilty and I was also angry that the children from my ex- marridge had to suffer from this dissagreement and I felt that I had made mistakes to take this step of second marridge. He didnt want to go and at the same time I was relieved because of my feelings for him. He and my father and other in my family got along fine and and I was happy because it was the first time I felt that we all were friends. It was alot of pressure from his family about sending money and also coming for visit. We were not able to afford it so we couldnt go. He had told them about our arguements and they thought that he was in somekind of danger and they worn him about that he should keap his passport safe somewere, wich he had all the time anyway. Well I took him to place to find a job and also to sign up for a bank account´s and I told him that instead of having same account he could have his private account and just pay half of the bills to the home. He has now three accounts and one foreign account. We are ofcourse having the internet and he is able to be in touch with his family through chat or e-mail. He has told me not to say too much to his family for the reason that they are too sensitive and I hear very less from them today and mostly I hear that "everything is fine" Last winter I told him to go to them to his sisters marriedge and at the same time to tell them that he could not support them for the reason that we were having full time job supporting our self. I said "either you have to say that or you have to take care of them untill you will be free from the obligation and stay with them and then come back to us." I told him to buy the ticked and use the left of his salary for a surviving the time that it would take to clear things out. I was pregnant with his child and I told him that I would wait. He was two months doing this and then he came after the birth of the child. We were very happy about the child and things looked fine. He is very protective parent and many times he has taken him away from me when I am feeding him and I have told him not to do that because I feel like that there is message in that, that I can´t take care of him. Last night we were arguing and because our child has down syndrome and asthma he needs surgery because of a heart defect. We are worried ofcourse and we argued. I was telling him that we have to clean the home and make the home dustfree to make the childs breathing more easy. I told him that and I was hoping that he was coming to help me. He picked upp the boy and started to play with him and kiss him and I asked him why he cannot take this seriouse and that it is more to take care of a child then just kiss it and feed it. When the child is sick with asthma then we have to make the enviourment clean. He was first easy but then when I louded my voice he came to me and pulled my shirt and told me to come. I told him that I would not like him to force me and then he pulled me harder until I pushed him away. Then he pushed me to the bed. I became angry about this pushing and I hit him on the head and then I kicked him in the cheast. I told him never to force me like this. He said to me that he would take the child and dissapear so I would never be able to harm the child. I told him that he coulnt take him by the law. He said that nobody would stop him. He said that I was violent and he has to protect the children from me. I raised my voice and he too and then he said something like " one day I will ruin this face" and pointed at my face. I told him that it was a threat and that was a violent. He told me that " because you can hit me then you will be able to hit the child one day" I answeared back "oh, so because you will ruin my face then you are able to ruin his face too one day?" He didnt answear. He said I was crazy later and then he hasnt said anything about this. I went on the net and explored for information about violence in english because that is the third language in this home. I showed him the developing of a violence and the consequence´s. He hasnt spoken to me about this. My last words were that we could not take it back what we said.

p.s. We both said things like "I want divorce or I dont like to continue this relationship or this is ruin and this is last time I will alow this. He hasnt spoken to me about this. Yesterday my last words were that we could not take it back what we said. Sincerely xxx

Date: Monday, October 30, 2000

S1

people expect their partner act as they think should be,take it as a standard of right or wrong. but often there is other side in it. It is hard to change others,only solution is change ourself. stay--accept it, unacceptable--leave it.

Date: Sunday, November 12, 2000

S1

I have just ready your column and am currently going through the same thing that you're ex-wife if going through. My mother, too, lived with my father for 16 years physically and mentally abused. My husband is starting to slowly become that man, who I grew up with constantly abusing my mother. It's not to that extent yet. When times are good..their great, but when things don't work out the way he wants them to..I am diminished to be this bitch who doesn't understand what he's feeling. I am now 27 years old and have 2 children with my husband..but am beginning to see that because of this I don't owe him anything. I am growing up and starting to want different things..which he doesn't like. I like to have friends to talk to, finally. For the longest time it was only him. I like to go out and get away sometimes. I'm not a bad person for wanting these things. But I am in his eyes. He doesn't own me either, just as Dr. Irene says..yet I admire you're wife for leaving. I have yet to get the courage to do that. May it be for avoiding the guilt, the loneliness..whatever. But I know that someday I'll wake up and decide that I deserve better...that there's someone out there that will appreciate me more...that someone will be me.

Date: Wednesday, November 22, 2000

S1

I am in a similar situation as your wife. Although my husband does not yell, he has hit at the walls a few times. I know that he loves me, but has no idea of how to express it. Just his loving me is not enough for me to stay after 6 years of unhappiness. When I tell him what I don't like about him, he tells me its my problem or makes excuses or belittles my feelings. THAT really hurts. Like your wife, I dispise going home especially since he "expects" me to be there when he's there. Problem is - he doesn't give me a reason to want to be there. Sincerely, T

Date: Friday, February 16, 2001

S1

I wouldn't call Jake "lost case". At least he is trying to analyze his behavior and even reads posts on this site. He even knows that he has to change. Well, at least that’s a start. Maybe if he tells his wife about his decision and also tells her in a respectful way that he needs her and wants her to help him to change and improve their relationship, maybe she would understand and will stop going out so often and talk to her mother so much. E.N.

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Friday, May 11, 2001

Boy, I would really like to hear his wife's side of the story. There really seems to be a lot of empty space regarding her side, and I'd be willing to bet if we knew it, a lot of opinions posted here might change drastically.

At times, I wonder if there was some long-term lack of communication that has somehow snowballed into the situation at hand. It seems like no one's needs are being met here, period. It seems like there may be control and abuse on both sides. This is a weird one.

It also seems like a lot of the early postees were really anxious to scold Jake. Perhaps taking out their own frustrations on him? I'm not sure. Is there a possibility that Jake has been abused, and is only beginning to ask for what he wants, or is only trying to begin to set limits?

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Friday, August 10, 2001

Jake, I can I ask how you would feel if your phone calls were being monitored? How would you feel if you had to get permission to go out with the guys, or even go walk the dog? Would you ever allow so anyone to decide what type of clothing you are allowed to wear, or the tpye of car you buy? Think about it. Pam

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Monday, August 20, 2001

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Wednesday, August 29, 2001

DR Irene have you ever read the Bible cover to cover?

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Wednesday, October 31, 2001

I read what Jake had to say, and I don't agree with a lot of things he has done. I also know that Divorce is the last thing a couple should even think about, but you Dr. Irene. You make it seem like if you ask once or twice, than leave the his marriage. I think they both need to work at this and not separate or divorce each other. I guess we all have to have a relationship with GOD in order to understand Dr Irene, why we need to work as one and remember that GOD brought them together. This means no man has the right to split them apart.. Vincent Magnani.

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Wednesday, May 22, 2002

Jake I have a husband, exactly the same as you & its not NICE !!! 34 years of it. Brenda

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Wednesday, May 22, 2002

Jake I have a husband, exactly the same as you & its not NICE !!! 34 years of it. Brenda

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Tuesday, June 04, 2002

Jake I am in a similar situation and started to address my issues. I reached the conclusion that I need to take care of myself and I feel that any concerns that I may have about my wife will begin to change also. If I start to acknowledge that things do not always need to go my way and I can accept that, then life will be better for all. We have a counseling session on Thursday and I will begin to address my issues with our conselor. I have purchased a book called the Control Freak by Les Parrott III and have taken the online quiz at http://www.realrelationships.com/thecontrolfreak/test.html

Jake if your are serious about saving your marriage you need to start taking care of your own issues. It may be to late for me as my wife is getting ready to throw in the towel if she does not see me sincerely start to address my issues.

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Sunday, September 29, 2002

My husband is exactly the same... and it is getting worse. I am not allowed to access some sites, I am not allowed to go out with friends - female friends! - (he says they are all "bitches"...), I am only allowed to work. I am not even allowed to eat, because I might... hum.. get fat!!! What on Earth should I do???

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Wednesday, October 02, 2002

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Thursday, November 14, 2002

I am in exactly the same position as this wife is in this story. My husband is just like you Jake and he cannot see it. He only sees what he wants to see and not what I see. It's okay for him to do what he wants, when he wants, but I'm to sit at home and not do anything or I get a phone call every 15-30 minutes. I feel like he is trying to change, but there are days when I'm at work and he just calls me and starts griping at me about something that he can't do at home on the computer because I'm not there to help him, so it becomes all my fault. If you treat your wife anything like this Jake than yes you are controlling and I feel sorry for her. We have the option of leaving and yes we will all answer to GOD, but why do we have to stay and walk on egg shells for the rest of our lives. I feel that their is someone out there who can care and love us women and treat us with respect and dignity like we treat our husbands. I bend over backwards for my husband and still it's not good enough. When is enough, enough? I hope things work out for you and your wife. Gidget

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Friday, November 15, 2002

Jake, I am not saying that you are completely in the clear here(there are two sides to every story). However, if I got my dander in an uproar and started staying out until 10:00 2 or 3 nights a week... I guarantee you that I wouldn't be in a relationship for very long. But, I don't think I would be coward enough to stay in the relationship and play games if I was so unhappy that I couldn't come home either. I am amazed that you have put up with it this long. And God forbid that you actually might have implied that she was a bitch once. Now, she wants a divorce? Go for it, I wouldn't want someone who's that up-tight or that plays payback games with me anyway. You can do better than that. I only wish that my guy would care and want to talk to me and desire that I be home with him once in a while in the evening! Hang in there Jake, you will find a woman that cares as much about you as you do her, have faith. Alexandria

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Wednesday, November 27, 2002

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Monday, December 02, 2002

My husband, too, is very controlling. He doesn't think that he is, but it becomes very evident when he thinks he is NOT in control, because he becomes unbearable! It is a miserable existence for a wife who loves and wants to please her husband, yet feels caged and constantly under scrutiny. Lighten up before she flies away from you completely!

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Friday, January 10, 2003

i do agree with dr. irene, but at the same time i give jake alot of credit for doing the work he has been doing. he has come forward, questioning whether or not he is a controlling person. many people never question if they are a controlling person or not. they believe they are just simply right. anyway, from my own experience, the minute u begin to put limitations on another person, is when a relationship begins to deterioate. try to do this, reverse the situation. would u want someone constantly breathing down u'r neck over certain things? what if that person told u that u couldn't do things u enjoyed? would u feel sufforcated? would u pull away? i used to not think i was a controlling person. i thought i was simply trying to compromise, until i reversed the situation. people have tried to control me, and i have tried to control others. when i was doing it, i did not realize i was doing it. that's was the whole problem. i didn't understand what control was. control and compromise are two different things, and i needed to put them in perspective. compromise is "let's go here for dinner tonight, and then tommorow we can go where u like". control is when u tell someone how many times a week they can go out. people are in each other lives to enhance each other, not limit the other person. if u simply cannot accept certain things, and cannot live with certain things, u have the choice to leave. i have the feeling u'r wife feels sufforcated, and that is why she spends so much time away and on the phone with her mom. u cannot expect anyone to change into a person they are not. yes, u are a controlling person. alot of people are, and are not aware of it. they are just not aware of what control actually is

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Friday, January 10, 2003

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Thursday, January 30, 2003

There are some men who will never see that they are controlling, abusive and think like cavemen. They have been raised in a household similar to the one they try to insist on for themselves (and the wife). I think Jake should try to sincerely find out what it is his wife;s friends have to offer that he does not. I am a wife with an emotionally abusive husband and I know what is missing! The wife wants to be "heard" and respected and valued. She needs a little tnederness and some intamicay other than the middle of the night or early dawn. We all know what I am talking about... The wife is as important as the husband and when 2 people marry and become 1 it is not up to the husband to decide to be that "1". If Jake would take a fraction of the effort he takes in finding excuses and picking out wrong actions and behaviors of his wife and use some of that energy to get to know her and what she nedds, there might be some hope. Does he love her? He never once said so. He just wants to be right and to win the argument and to be told he is "not" bad or controllinig and she is wrong... That is how I see things. Good Luck! From Lisa

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Thursday, January 30, 2003

Dear Jake, You have every right to expect your wife to act responsibly and honor her committment to your marriage. Question whether your ideas of marriage are the same, or has hers changed from what you had previously discussed. It was a committment she willingly entered into. The most important things you must ask yourself are, " have I listened, have I honestly tried to meet all of her concerns, and are my expectations of her too high?". Your wife's actions remind me of my X, and her mother. After forcing her into a real PH.D., during the divorce, and much reading I discovered her to be Passive Aggressive. What I am getting at is, that you should judge your actions but never forget your humanity. Every one in the world is controlling to some extent. You must be happy with you. If your wife is codependent, or passive aggressive it probably wouldn't matter what you did. She would continue her withdrawal until she completed controlled you. You would end up with little voice in the marriage. You may be acting out of frustration. In all events, fight for your children. Whether for full custody or joint, fight hard. I suspect there is more going on than just your control issues. Many people fight and call each other names and stay married without regret. Implying "bitch" one time does not make you abusive. It is a momentary lapse all humans make.

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Sunday, March 02, 2003

Dear Jake, There can be many reasons why your wife feels you are controlling her life. Talk to her about it first. Talk to her mom too because your wife might be sharing her feelings with her mom. The fact that her mother went through a bad marriage makes her all the more insecure to spend such a life which she thinks she is doing with you. So, try to talk with your wife and her mom without assuming that your mother in law is wrong in supporting your wife. I hope this will help your marriage.

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Tuesday, March 04, 2003

Jake, You sound like my husband of 20 yrs. and I'm ready to get out. I'm smothered.

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Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Jake so you actually think that you have the right and the power to give your wife "permission" to do as she pleases? Get a life buddy, what if she told you not to call your mother, or that you couldn't go out with your friends or that you can't do such and such? You are her husband, not her father or keeper and she is a GROWN woman with a brain in her head. She is capable of thinking and making decisions just as you are. You remind me so much of my own husband that it isn't funny and hey guess what? I no longer give a rats a** what he thinks or how he feels because of the way he has treated me. I can't have friends unless he picks them, which left me with NO friends. I am not supposed to visit my 82 year old widowed mother, I am supposed to toss my handicapped daughter out of the house because she is a "fun killer" - Which by the way I owned this home 9 nine years before I even knew him. He hates my dogs, I can't wear certain clothes, I can't go to certain places, I'm not supposed to talk to any men for any reason, you know how it is Jake...those guys are only out on the take....and I can't be trusted because his first and second wife cheated on him, how nice I get to pay for what someone else did. Dude if you want your wife, you best seek some counseling quickly because you are a very controlling individual. Mine won't listen so he is going to end up single again before it's over with. I am already making plans and getting everything in order to make it happen since he won't act like a decent GROWN human being. Start by listening to your wife. Not hearing words, LISTEN to her and let her have her say without blowing up all over her. She is entitled to a calm discussion. Maybe then she will talk to YOU instead of her mother. Maybe you don't and won't agree with her but she is entitled to her own opinion and feelings. That's where compromise comes in. Be a little more intelligent than this clown I am married to.

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Thursday, August 07, 2003

This Jake appears to be exactly like this low-life piece of sh-- of a son in law that I have. He thinks he is God and that he alone has the right to do what he wants to do. His wife, my daughter, is to blame for everything. He is one of those stay at home dads, he does not do anything else. He gets up around 12 o'clock each day, puts out a few pieces of ceral scattered around on tables for their 18 month old baby girl and a cup of milk. He watches tv, sleeps again and that is his day. He does not clean the house, wash the clothes or fix a meal. He never takes the baby out in the fresh air, unless he has to take the dog out. He goes no where with my daughter and grand-daughter. All he wants to do is sleep and eat and watch tv. If my daughter asks him to do something, she is nagging and is bitching. He asks her to ask us for money to help them out. They have two cars, which we gave them, we pay the car insurance and give money on a regular basis.My daughter works 8 hours a day, five days a week, then has to work in the evenings at home and on the week-ends. He is a real dead-beat a--hole. He does not want us to visit them because he says that she acts different when we are there........you know, like happy. He is controlling and verbally abusive......like Jake, I think. By the way his name is Jacob and most people call him Jake too. I also forgot to mention earlier that he has a half sister who gets in the bed with him, lays her head on his lap and he strokes her hair while he is talking on the phone to God knows who. Also this half sister kisses him in the mouth every chance she gets and is all over him. She is always laying her head on his shoulder while waiting to be seated for dinner in public places. They always sit as close together as posible at the table and play little games, like teenagers, like lovers. When my daughter says anything about it, she is bitching or nagging and he says they are a touchy feelie family............on the other hand his mother is divorced from his step father. Also, he never, or should I say rarely spoke to either of them for alomst a year. Now that he lives closer to his family than he did a year ago, he has really turned in to an a--wipe. I think he and his half sister have a thing goin' on......appears that way to me. He says that my daughter cares more about the baby than she does him......you know, one of those a--wipes that thinks what is between his legs is more important than his child. He does nothing all day long, my daughter works, he stays up all night, like until about 3 in the morning, then gets up around 12 noon, does absolutely nothing and when my daughter comes home from work, feeds the baby, feeds him, washes clothes, cleans the house, goes to the grocery store, etc., she is to lay down and let him start pumping. She is stupid in my book, but he is an a--hole/