DIVORCING THE KID (S)
One
of the most confusing areas of the divorce procedure is the parent who
not only divorces the spouse but the children as well. When some men
and women leave the marriage and get divorced, regardless who made the
decision to quit the marriage, they also divorce the kids. Statistics
show that 28% of children under the age of eighteen live with one
parent. They also show more than one million American children under
the age of eighteen are faced with their parent’s divorce each year.
These children are now going to be forced to form a new relationship
at two different households. That includes a very large number of
kids. I was faced with this same problem when my parents divorced.
One reason there is an abandonment of the children by one parent is
that the non-custodial parent can get back at and hurt the other
parent through the kid. If the child is hurt, we as a loving parent
are hurt. Another reason might be that the parent who is living on
the outside hurts so much when seeing the child and having the
feelings stirred up with the loss of the family unit, that they avoid
seeing the family altogether. Avoiding the family helps this parent
not to face the loss. Another possibility is they resent that the
children only want to be with them for their pocketbook or wallet, or
to use them for other reasons--as a taxi driver, fixer of anything and
everything, and so on. It’s possible they are angry that the child
made a decision to stay with the other parent instead of going with
them.
Whatever the reason for divorcing the children, this damages them a
great deal. They don’t feel that the parent loves them and wants
them, and it erodes the self-esteem of the child. Questions and
statements by the child, such as, “I must not be a very good kid to
have a parent that does not want to be with me or even see me,” “Maybe
it’s my fault that Mom and Dad got divorced,” “If I was a better kid
they might still be together,” and so on demonstrate that damage
occurred. How cruel a parent is to abandon their child! It may be
that the parent is so wrapped up in their own needs, they disregard
the feelings of the child, and give the message to the child that they
don’t care about their own flesh and blood. How pathetic! I can not
begin to comprehend how these same parents will say and may believe,
“I love my children very much.” I’m not going to explain how important
a father is to his sons. He is (or should be) the role model--what a
young boy would want to be when he grows up and becomes a man.
Perhaps men don’t believe if the child is a girl, he is needed. Men
are very important in a girl’s life. Daughters with healthy, close
ties to their fathers have fewer babies out of wedlock. A father
helps a girl grow into a strong, independent woman. As daughters grow
older, fathers need to treat them as equals to reassure them and to
build their self-confidence and self-esteem. If the mother has left
the children with the father, he becomes the single parent. Some
males are more nurturing than some females. Single fathers are very
capable of raising healthy, happy, well-adjusted children. If the
kids are with the mother, the male must stay in the kid’s life for all
the above reasons, and this most important one. If you are not in you
children’s lives as they grow up, they will not want you in their
lives when they are adults. You will always be the outsider, the one
who walked away and abandoned them. Yes, maybe some will establish
some type of relationship with you but it would never really be that
close, deep, loving one that all parent wants with their children.
My
own father was not there for me as I grew up. He never sent the child
support payments, and my mother and I went hungry many nights. We
would have soup for meals because we did not have enough money to buy
anything else. Even as a young boy and later a teenager, I felt he
did not love me or care. Not once in my thinking did I think he was
angry with my mother so he got his anger out on her by not sending
money. In my mind he did not care about ME! These feelings are still
within me. So some logic saying a man is getting back at his ex does
not fit. He is getting back at his kids. Believe this, men. If you
are at war with your ex, it is the kids who are getting wounded and
are dying. Don’t ever justify abandoning your children for some
stupid, idiotic excuse.
The
deep-seated feeling of abandonment stays with us into adult life.
Evidence of new research is beginning to show that the effects of
parental loss in childhood can surface in later years, showing up in
difficulty with close relationships. I bring this to your attention
for two reasons. One, if you are the adult whose parent left, you
might see this fear of abandonment within you and what it is doing to
your relationships. Or, if you are the parent who is leaving or has
departed you have knowledge about what it might do to your own
children. Therefore do not you might abandon them, but make it a
priority to help them grow up with you as part of their lives. (Note:
See WORKS CITED: at the end of this book in alphabetic order filed
under “Other” number 61).
Polly Joan wrote in her book, Preventing Teenage Suicide,19
“Family problems, whether divorce or ongoing interfamily conflict,
can play havoc with a young person’s emotions. To the hurt of loss
when a parent leaves the home or when one’s secure status in the
family is threatened, may be added the feeling that the young person
is somehow responsible and guilty for these family problems. Often,
adolescents find themselves caught in a conflict of loyalties between
the parents and/or siblings, pressured to take sides. A young person
brought up to love and respect the family may then feel torn apart.
And increased family conflict is forcing adolescents to evaluate the
desirability of marriage for themselves. Many are wary of marriage, of
having children, doubtful that they
should subject children to what they themselves have gone through.
Sometimes an adolescent takes on the guilt that he or she is somehow
responsible for the family’s conflict. In other cases, adolescents
can become the scapegoat for unresolved family problems, with
increased feelings of rejection and alienation from other family
members.”
A
few statistics:
