| April 10, 2000
I like your frank style and I hope
you get a chance to respond to this. I requested and initiated a
separation and divorce against my husband's wishes. I don't trust
him and I don't know if I am wrong for that. "Wrong"
for feeling what you feel?
A year into our marriage I found
out that he was drinking heavily when he was supposedly completely sober.
I had been suspicious but he said it was all in my head and I believed
him. When he was arrested for drunk driving the truth came out and
then I also heard from friends that he had been caught on numerous
occasions by them but they didn't say anything because they thought I
knew. He confessed to a two year relapse in his alcoholism and
sought help. A couple of people I knew said it had been going on
longer than that. Things got better for a little while and then the
same money and communication and anger issues arose again. Every
time I got someone to talk him into including me in the bills we suddenly
had more money for a while. Each time this happened, I eventually
was phased out of it by him doing the finances when I wasn't home from
work. Then we had less again. He said this was a coincidence
but never showed me why it was so. Why didn't you go
into your financial records to find out why?
He became cold and distant again.
I had been going through a rough time and hadn't been easy to be around
myself for quite a while. He said it was because of that. Garbage. That's taking his responsibility and dumping it
on you. Every time we got in an argument he took off for a night or
two. He offered to run all the errands and insisted there was no reason
for me to go along. I bet. He usually
ran into various circumstances that made the errands take an awfully long
time relative to their purposes. He began to show definite control
issues with the kids, referring to them as "insolent" to excuse
his behaviors. They are good kids. Should you
trust him: has he demonstrated trustworthy behavior?
So, I decided it was time to start the divorce process. We had been
separated once before for six months. We had been in counseling
together several times. I had heard all the promises before.
When I took over the bills, I noticed that a lot of cash had been
withdrawn from the bank above and beyond family expenses that I could
account for. I also saw that our credit card was maxed out but he
had thrown away the itemized portion of each bill. I requested them
from the bank. I found several movie charges to an 800 number.
I called the number and got a listing of pornographic movies. For
reasons too long to explain here, we had an agreement from the start that
he would give
that stuff up.
When I confronted him, he very
calmly scolded me for jumping to conclusions. I checked further and
decided maybe I had but I couldn't find out for sure until the following
Monday. So I apologized ahead of time in case I was wrong but told
him I would double check. He then confessed to renting them because
he was lonely at the hotel after a fight. Also, three months into
the separation now, the kids and I have the same standard of living we had
with his income and we are fine financially. Gee
whiz! I can't help but wonder why we don't miss his income more--
and believe me, I have tried to justify it. Sounds
like you've contributed to the carrying costs of his addictions...
He said recently that there was too much distrust on my part. I
agree. Then he said he knew he was being honest and trustworthy but the
problem was that I couldn't get over what happened early on. Am I
wrong to be distrustful? Trust is earned. Never
forget that. He needs to demonstrate a track record of trustworthy
behavior before you, or anyone else, could trust him. The incident
with the movies feels an awful lot like the incident with the drinking. Yep. I can't help but wonder what else he has been
covering up until he is caught red handed. Yep.
Is that wrong? Of him. Am I being abusive to
question his word? Ugh! How can you possibly say
this? What a crazy conclusion! Am I wrong to request the divorce? I don't think so; but, that doesn't matter since it's
your life. I think you need to look at why you second guess yourself
all the time and disregard your intuition. Seems doing so gets you in
trouble...
I haven't filed the papers yet
because he is being so nice again now and I wonder if I am just overly
suspicious. On the other hand, what he has done feels like emotional
abuse to me because he will let me feel crazy and guilty before confessing
mistakes. Yep. The addict's typical get-away-with-it
mentality. He knows from experience in counseling that I can
understand mistakes but openness and honesty are essential for me in a
relationship. When is distrust wrong and when is it common sense?
D
Dear D,
Why do you
need validation to leave? To me, this is another no-brainer. Your husband
shows a long history of get-away-with-it self-serving and manipulative
behavior. He is alcoholic. He is sex-addicted. He is trying to distort
your reality: YOU are too distrustful? Ugh. D: Wake up. Trust yourself.
Take responsibility for your life - and only your life. You need support.
Go to your own therapy. Go to ALANON. And, check out how it is that you
are so easily manipulated and swayed from your own good impulses. Is your
codependency showing? Ooops! Good luck, Dr. Irene
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