Sent: Friday, October 29, 1999
6:41 PM
Subject: My Abused Kids
Dear Dr. Irene,
Thank you for some wonderful insights into the world of the abuser and the
codependent. You have not, however, addressed the adult children of
verbal abuse. I have a son and a daughter, ages 21 and 24, who grew
up with a verbally and emotionally abusing father. Although I made
an excellent salary, I believed I needed to stay with him for the sake of
the children. Three years ago my husband left all of us. We
have had no contact with him since then...no visits, phone calls, letters
or money.
My decision to stay and his ultimate departure so suddenly has had disastrous
effects. My daughter, very bright, beautiful, and a college
graduate, is verbally abusive herself, is hyper-sensitive to any
criticism, and is extremely judgmental and controlling. She is
currently dating a man much like her father.
My son has flunked out of college, is quite charming but given to sudden
outbursts of physical violence. He is also somewhat obsessed with
thinking about/reviewing the incidents of abuse by his father.
Both children are working and living on their own. What can I do at
this point? I thought that my husband's leaving would have a
releasing effect on all of us, but we seem to be experiencing an after
effect. Can you help us? Katie
Dear Katie,
Thank you for your
kind words.
Can I help? Yes and
no. No, I can't help your kids. They are adults who need to help
themselves. Yes, I can help them to the extent that reading this site
opens their eyes to some of the work they need to do.
Your kids had lots
of training. By the time they were in adolescence, they were very, very
well trained. By the time your husband left, your kids were
programmed.
This site does not
focus on the effects of abuse on children per se. The focus is on adult
victims and perpetrators. All adults were once children who were taught by
their expert parents. The focus is to help adult children recognize
that they have a problem to fix - so their kids don't get
"trained."
The best you can do
for your kids (of any age) is to own your mistakes and to fix yourself.
Though your kids are no longer children, you can still model
self-efficacious behavior. You can suggest they get counseling, but unless
you have fixed some of yourself, you are less credible: the pot calling
the kettle black.
Don't drive
yourself crazy with not having left their dad. Had you left, today you
would be wondering if you should have stayed. I always tell my
parents, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't." No home is
perfect; you did the best you knew how to do. As a parent, it hurts
to watch your children's pain. Yet, every child inevitably grows into an
adult with some scars, some more, some less- as you did. Life is such that
it offers each adult many, many opportunities to take their deficits
and transform them into strengths.
So, try not
to sweat it. Love them, and focus on all the good stuff you gave them
instead.
My best
regards, -Dr. Irene
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