Dear Dr. Irene,
My husband has finally joined a group devoted principally to treating
angry men. I sent your URL to my husband, who sent it to his
therapist. He loves your site, and now recommends it to his clients.
And my husband loves it. I love it because it affirms (finally) what
I have believed was wrong with the relationship. He is a control
freak, and abusive (physically, verbally, emotionally), and I let him get
away with it because I was terrified of him. I freely accept the
responsibility for my portion of that.
The sad thing is NOT that we are separated now, but that I waited to leave
him until I didn't love or respect him any more. Fear kills love.
It's that simple. If I had left while I still cared about him, there
might have been some hope for the relationship. Timing is everything
in life! Odd little paradox for you. Thank
you. I will use it. Anyway, I told him that I had finally
found out how much I loved him: it took him 20 years to kill it.
When I told my friends that I was not going to let my husband move into my
house with me after the "big house" was sold, they were shocked.
They were all crazy about him and thought we were the cutest and most
stable couple... When I told them it was about domestic violence,
you could have heard a pin
drop.
I am off Zoloft. I laugh more. I have a lot more energy to the
things I wanted to do but couldn't in "the bad old days."
I can make a plan and see it through. (That's A Miracle.) I
still don't enjoy housekeeping, but I don't HATE it either. I get
out more; I am less reclusive. Everyone (even my husband's friends!)
say how much better I look. And I feel so much better.
Quite naturally, my son is an abuser, and he is about to marry a sweet
girl. What do I say to her? I think I'll just say, "Call
if you need me." They have set the date for the wedding. Brides-to-be
don't listen to much of anything.
And my daughter is a good little victim. She and her family live
about far from here. I have visited her on several occasions. I have
seen the abuse. I have seen her husband's anger.
I do NOT want to meddle, I do NOT want to caretake my daughter. So I
hesitate to send her your site's URL, but a friend of her husband's
recently said to her, "I cannot understand why you put up with the
way he treats you!" Two weeks ago, when she and I were
discussing (in general terms) the reasons why I wouldn't live with her dad
any more, she said it sounded a lot like what she was going through.
Maybe it's time... I am in one heck of a bind. She NEEDS this
information, and she probably won't think to ask me for it, so really the
only thing I have to figure out is what to say in the note that has the
URL in it. "I found this site about angry people. Your
dad and his therapist both like it and think it is useful. Love,
Mom"
God bless you richly, Dr. Irene. You deserve
it, BIG TIME. Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
God Bless you
richly Michelle. You deserve it, BIG TIME! You pulled the pieces
together.
Your
daughter-in-law-to-be is there to fix herself, so she can create the space
your son needs to fix himself. Your daughter is there to do the same for
her hubby. If these ladies can do it soon enough, their families may not
carry the legacy forth to their children.
You are there to
help them, if the kids are wise enough to listen. What wonderful things
might have happened had you had a guide?
By the way, I like
your subject line a lot "Mom". Send me her address if you want
me to send it to her. I will direct her to this page. Thank you for
writing. God Bless you and yours.
Love, Dr. Irene |
