| May 7, 2003
Guess who send an update to his original 2/5
submission? Steven from
Brawny Guy's Tale.
Sounds like Steven learned quite a lot...
Here goes:
Hello Dr. Irene.
This is Steven, "Brawny Guys Tale."
Just an update and some closure about my past
relationship....
My
ex-fiancé started dating again, going to counseling and things went well.
We decided to start together again and, at her pleading, we did another
move-in. It went down-hill fast. She pleaded with me, crying that she
would do ANYTHING to avoid another fight. Looking back, that was a laugh.
Although my head knew that this was NOT going to work, my heart was still in
love with her and I wanted to make sure that I did EVERYTHING I could to
make this work without compromising myself.
Five days after the move-in, she went right
back to her old pattern.
In one incident we were sitting on the couch
and she was drinking. She looked at me, almost crying saying "You have no
idea just how much I love you!" I said "I know honey, I love you too." I
got up to use the bathroom and when I came back to sit down she glared at me
and then said "You SOB. You are so high and mighty and think you know
everything!" I was shocked to see her go from "I love you" to "You are an
SOB" in less than sixty seconds. I said "Honey, what's wrong? What have I
done?" She went on with crying, anger, profanity, etc.
I walked to the back door, not saying a word,
and got on my motorcycle. She was following me the whole time, yelling,
screaming, and carrying on. I got on my bike, started it and she stood in
front of it so I could not leave calling me all kinds of names and yelling.
I looked at her and said "I have no idea what your problem is, but you HAVE
to quit drinking and get some help." Then she slapped me. I was shocked
and backed the bike up and got out of there as quick as I could. I stayed
with my sister that night and when I came back the kitchen was destroyed,
food all over the floor, dishes smashed and she literally ripped the door
off the microwave. Again, she is 5 feet and 100lbs! She had passed out on
the couch and when she woke-up; she said "What did we argue about last
night?" I said "I have no idea, but this must end now." We agreed that we
still loved each other but that she and I cannot get along and that it would
be better if we got help and lived apart (I wanted her out of my house, but
I wanted to do it in a 'nice' way). Well, we set a time-table up of two
weeks for the move-out but she played a PERFECT mate for the next week and
worked her charms on me and I agreed to take her to a bike rally and see if
we could work things out. Yea, I know. We went and as usual when we go
out, she dresses very sexy. To make a long story short (if that’s
possible), I caught her in the arms of another man behind my back while we
were there. We were camping and while I was asleep she decided to be with
another. I stranded her there, not wanting to be around her and resolved
that it was over.
She called me the next day and said "What is
your problem, I have done nothing wrong. You left me stranded here without
money and without you" OK, and I was born yesterday. I was very angry at
having kept giving her chance after chance for us to work things out and
here she does THIS and then says I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! I still have
anger over this besides the pain of loss of someone you loved. Needless to
say, I am staying the course, taking the high road and going to counseling.
After putting a boot to her to tell her to
get out, I did some research on the internet with her symptoms as was
blown-away by what I found: "Histrionic Personality Disorder." It
completely describes her:
"Excessively
Emotional
People with histrionic personality disorder may have rapid shifts of emotion
that may seem artificial. They may overreact emotionally or sexually to
situations. They can be very manipulative, using emotional explosions to get
their way.
Attention
seeking behavior
Individuals with this disorder have an intense craving for attention and
feel uncomfortable when they are not the center of attention. They often
dress flamboyantly or wear outrageous hairstyles. They may dress or act very
sexually in an attempt to gain attention.
Impressionable
They are very impressionable. People with this
disorder are overly trusting and gullible. They often follow the latest
trends in fashion, music, etc. They will also form beliefs with little
evidence and defend these beliefs passionately.
Self-absorbed
People with histrionic personality disorder are usually vain and
self-absorbed. They have superficial relationships and their speech and
emotional expression lack genuine feeling.
Concerned
with presentation
Their personalities may change from situation to situation in an attempt to
look more attractive to whomever is present.
Some
people with this disorder function with relatively few problems in society.
Other, more severe cases, may have maladaptive behavioral patterns which
cause significant difficulties in their lives. This disorder is present in
about 2 to 3% of the general population and is more common among women."
WOW! I knew she had problems, but this is HER
to a "T." She also displays symptoms of Narcissism. My brother-in-law
called her "The Chameleon" while we were a couple and know I know why based
upon the above description.
She is supposed to be out by my birthday and I
hope she goes or there will be legalities involved - I am threatening a
Domestic Violence Injunction. I am ready to have my life back. I must
admit this is one of the hardest things I have EVER done in my life but I
WILL be strong and get this relationship over. Its hard because she has a
son that loves me so much and its hard because I really do love her, but I
cannot live like this and I will not be disrespected. But, at least I did
everything I could to make it work.
At
least through it all I have learned a great deal about myself and patterns
of mistakes I have made. Once you let an important boundary get crossed,
you have just compromised yourself if you let it happen again and you have
no one to blame but yourself. Only YOU can take action, not the other and
you cannot control their behavior - just your own.
"Steven"
Dr Irene,
Please feel free to post any of this
information. It might help someone.
Another update about me...
She was not moving any of her belongings - I
think she still wanted the relationship to work and was just giving me
lip-service. She did move-out with a little help from the Sheriff's
Office. I had to serve her a trespassing warning after she had broken into
my house the day after she left and stolen much property of mine, my
families and my work. Of course, now the Sheriff's Office is saying its
a civil matter, not a criminal one. And here, I always thought that if you
took something that did not belong to you, it was theft. But, right now, I
don't care - I just wanted her out. My attorney can now handle the stolen
property. I now have MY life back and I thank God I got through it all and
did not wind-up in jail. It could have been much worse. It took this
break-up to learn what she was really like: a manipulative, lying, drunken,
thief. I am wondering how I fell in love with such a woman. All my friends
approached me afterward and basically said the same thing "Thank God you got
rid of her. She was trouble." My love for her was lost overnight when her
actions and words, when sober, became obvious: she was just out to get what
she could from me and when I refused to continue the relationship she
turned-on her true colors. Sometimes I think alcoholism is an excuse for
poor behavior that deep-down is there, even when sober - they just cover it
up better when sober. My counseling will now focus on making sure that I
don't let this happen again as I am too good for this type of life.
"Steven"
Dear Steven,
Good for you! Keep up the good work! Dr.
Irene
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