I'm sure she will do what she
has to work things out for herself. She is a good person. The only
concern that I have is that she doesn't have anyone to talk to (her
words not mine).
There has been a mixed bag of comments to my letter that you posted
from favorable comments to - shall we say, victims venting against
an abuser.
Yeah, I know.
It can be a fine line (victim/abuser), isn't it?
Several of the posts have
expressed concern about my motivation for change. Am I doing it
for myself or am I just doing it to win her back?
You know what
Bob? I don't care why you're doing it; I'm glad that you're
doing it. Of course, it's better to do it for you, but
you are more likely to do it for you the more your recovery
progresses.
Truthfully, there are times
that I feel I'm doing it to win her back. But most of the time I
know I'm doing it for me. How do I know you might ask? Because of
how I act towards others, how I feel about myself as a person, my
appreciation for the beauty of the day, the creative hugs the
grandchildren and I have created for each other, several sharing
and caring talks with my oldest son, the gift and card I sent to
my younger brother, and the numerous talks my mom and I have had
alone (God bless her). Yes, I'm improving. No, I'm not there yet
for the journey is long and hard and to run now would leave me to
tired to finish later.
My anger is off to the side and I'm working to push it out of
sight.
Understand it
first. Most of it will be irrational. (It won't all be
irrational.) Deal with the rational and dump the irrational.
It has been 16 days since
I've allowed myself to be angry. A big help here was the book by
Ron Effron-Potter, "Angry
All the Time". It provided insight and ideas to
deal with my anger. It is kind of funny to watch my wife's
reaction to things that used to set me off and how I let them
go. She is not sure if it is really me or if I'm playing a game.
Time will show it is for real.
Yippeee!
It's real. It just takes a while to make it habitual. You'll
slip up a lot early on. That's OK; you get better at it.
And that leads me to
the item of trust. If she doesn't divorce me that will be the
hardest thing for her -- to have trust in me again. That I
feel will be a long time in coming and the only thing I can do
is be honest, sincere, and respectful of what I say and do. It
will be my actions that will do the talking to her.
You bet.
Before I end this
letter I would like you and the good people that frequent
this site to know how much I appreciate the input, support,
advice, and guidance you have chosen to give me. Those few
and I do mean few, that bashed me, I would say thank you
also. For you have served as a reminder to me of one of the
effects of verbal abuse. I wish that there was some way that
I could reach other verbal abusers out there to help them
see the light so that they could begin their journey to
recovery.
You can.
Please get on some of the other boards and POST! Helping
others is a great way to reinforce what you've learned.
Supporting others who have come as far as you is also part
of recovery.
Found this statement
in a book that I was reading and find it to be a great way
to end this post.
"The world is round and the place which may seem like
the end may also be the beginning."
Thank you, Bill
Thank you!
May I print this ?
My
very best, Dr. Irene
Hi again Dr. Irene,
Yes, you may post this - in fact I'd be honored.
Funny that your response came tonight because I'm in down
mood (lonely) but I know that it will past. Like the
lyrics in the Three Dog Night Song, "One is the
loneliest number..." But there is sunshine out
there.
Thanks again and yes I'll visit the other boards.
