| August 6, 2002 As I watched my
husband pull out of the driveway last Sunday night, all I could feel
was anger. I couldn't believe that he would just leave rather than
hash out our problems AGAIN! I called him, yelling and screaming for
him to get back here "right now!" Of course, that didn't work, and he
spent the night at his sisters. All night I cried, thinking of how
much of a jerk he was, and he would be back in the morning. Well, he
did come back, but to pick our 3 year old up for breakfast. When he
returned, he told me he wanted a divorce. He couldn't do this (our
marriage) anymore. He was not happy.
Here I was, a mother of a 3 year old and a 4 month old, no job, and
this jerk wanted a divorce? With the only reason being he isn't
satisfied with our relationship and is "not happy?" What about my
happiness and our children's?
Wasn't it his job to think of us too? I told him it wasn't fair,
that he is one person who can't figure out that his actions were
causing him to be unhappy, and the 3 of us get to suffer the
consequences of his leaving. Well, at some point throughout the day,
through the midst of my tears, I realized he was serious!
(We have had these discussions before.)
I started packing up the kids and our personal things to head for
my mother's. Before we left, I begged and pleaded for him to
reconsider, but he wouldn't. We decided that I would keep the kids,
and almost everything in the house (that I couldn't afford to keep),
and he would play weekend dad. The trip to my mother's was a very long
2 hour drive for me. I realized that even though he was asking for the
divorce, our marriage had been loosing its luster for a long time; I
just couldn't figure out why.
The first day apart was very hard. He would call to talk to the
kids, and before I would give them the phone, I would beg and plead
for reconciliation, which didn't work. Feeling quite sad being away
from his children, 2 days later he asked me to come back and stay
until we could afford to buy me and the kids a place close enough for
him to see them whenever he could. I jumped at the chance, thinking it
would somehow all work out. I knew I could say and do certain things
to make him see that it could be all right.
After 4 days of living with no hugs, kisses, or even "I love you"
on the phone, I came to a realization - almost all of this had been
my doing! Yes, I was mad and hurt, but what struck me as
odd, is that I was coming up with a plan to get him back. I was
actually writing a "script" down on paper of what to say and how to
say it. VERY manipulative, huh?? ( Fortunately, I didn't have to do
that. Yesterday my husband decided he didn't want to get divorced. He
loves me and wants to try to work this out. I don't know why, but I am
VERY grateful for this chance, and hope I get it right!)
That's when I realized that I had controlling behavior and stumbled
across your web sight. I've noticed that it is mostly the men with
this behavior, but all of the content did pertain to me. I read bits
and pieces of "how to's" and am going to
talk to my husband and let him know just what I am doing to him, and
that no matter how hard it will be, I AM going to stop.
It will take time, and I might backtrack every now and then, but I
want him to tell me when I am doing this. I hope I get it right. If
not, next time, there won't be second chances, and I refuse to ruin my
husband, my children, and most importantly, myself. I can and will
change. Thank you for all the personal insight all of your stories and
advice.
Yipppeee! You can do it! GREAT attitude. Doc |
