April 29, 2004
My heart is a big wheel of Swiss cheese. It has large
holes representing traumas from life events that have felt as harsh as
death itself. As devastating as gun shot wounds, these holes have scarred
me forever. Deaths--suicides--divorce--broken relationships--my
failures--my mistakes and one hole after another. The smaller holes in
this wheel of Swiss cheese come from lost opportunities--lost
friendships--my disappointments--those I have disappointed--grief which
can’t be shared, and more. The unhappy parts of our past cannot be
changed. We all carry our pain alone. Hurt and pain may never heal in
time, but will rerun in our memories forever. Why we must all die a bit
before we grow again, I do not know.
There have been times in my life that I have been knocked
down. Like a boxer who has been knocked out, I was down and not able to
get up after the referee had counted to ten. Eventually, somehow,
somewhere within the depths of my being I would climb back up to face the
world and to continue for another day. You may have found a way to
continue, be it a religion, a 12 step program which takes one day at a
time, or some other method. There were times I did not feel that I wanted
to make it to the next day. I was holding onto the ledge of this cliff by
my finger tips. If I fell it would be into a deep depression. Somehow I
had to learn to let go. To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow
and to live for the future. Live for what? You see, hearts that look like
big wheels of Swiss cheese accumulate knowledge, experience and the
ability to see others who are also in pain. The burden and how we react
to it is handled in our own way. I was able to heal some of my own wounds
by helping others who are having a difficult time handling their wounds
and were trying to heal. To touch someone in need. To give love to those
who surround me. Without someone to care for, I could not just live for
me. I had to have a goal. Understanding others gave me something to
strive for and focus on, other than me. Thinking of others gave me a
chance to heal. I realize now I’m not the only person in the world who
has pain and is trying to survive. It is how we use our pain to motivate
us to give happiness to others that will help heal ourselves. Thus, if
you want happiness you must give happiness. If you want love you must
give love. What I have learned in my struggle of surviving life’s tests
is, doesn’t everyone have a heart of Swiss cheese?
Dear Wayne, Thanks! (Again!) Want more?
Read
Men Don't Listen.
Dr. Irene
