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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

She Dumped Me For Him

She Dumped Me For Him - Help!

February 20, 2000

J, I know how you feel.

I just broke up with a woman who was playing me for a chump.  I gave and gave; she took and took, she didn't seem interested in a relationship, it  was a dictatorship.  She was (is) very controlling, and she was abused as a child.  So I think I know where this all stems from.  She has been divorced twice, is sexually promiscuous and very, very unhappy. I have news for you: You too were abused as a child - otherwise you wouldn't be putting up with her! 

A few nights ago, we broke up for good.  She tried to have me arrested by the police, because while we were in bed trying to sleep, she kept talking. I told her I wanted to sleep, but she was determined to goad me into a reaction.  She kicked me out of the house.  I refused to leave (my fault). I just wanted to sleep.  She turned on the light in the room, and I angrily grabbed my clothing, shouting nasty epithets at her, then she grabbed my pants and on the bed, with a little curl of a smile on her face, I took my socks and hand and pushed to the brink, I responded with a light smack on her face.  I am a very easygoing, not prone to violence of any type (I am also slight in build) and have NEVER hit anyone before for any reason. Well, she went right to the phone, as if she got the reaction she had hoped for.  I ended up in a squad car for 15 minutes before they let me go.

I am well rid of her and want nothing to do with her anymore.  My friends all hate her and call her "Demon Donna".  I didn't listen and took all the emotional abuse she could heap on me.  When she wanted her house painted or someone to stay with her child, I was there.  When I wanted her to visit me she refused.  Again, her way or the highway.  I too, thought I could change her, but you can't.  It was just so frustrating.  A woman with a high libido, she frequently became withdrawn at bedtime, then when I requested intimacy, she would say she was tired.  This from a woman who wanted sex all the time, normally.  She is several layers of screwed up and I feel sorry for her.  I pray for her.  I know she did this to be with the man she was seeing before I came back into her life.  He will be in town next weekend and I will mentally picture them naked in bed, having sex.  And that will be a rough weekend.  I think I would like to be drunk all weekend to minimize the awful pain this will bring.  You see, this was all orchestrated for her own benefit, because she wanted to see him next weekend, and I refused to allow this.  This is her revenge.  Now she can do what she wants.  She can be nice, but only when it benefits her or she is getting her way.  You just can't win.

I've been told (even though our relationship is OVER) to expect a call from her.  But I am now strong enough to avoid her and this horrible nightmare relationship.  I will screen my calls, give her back all of her possessions from my apartment, and go on with my life.  I feel called to find God, and that is the important thing in my life now. Good. Also, do some reading. Try  Love Is a Choice : Recovery for Codependent Relationships by Hemfelt, Meier, and Minirth. They do the ten stages of recovery. Also,

Dear K,

This is a tough one, but you do have the right idea. My advice is don't get drunk. Instead, get yourself some  St. John's wort, and count your blessings. You can do better. This is similar to advice I gave J, which, at the time didn't work too well in curbing his pain. But it did help him grow.

I have forwarded this url to J, whose life with Yolanda last I heard, while not perfect, was OK!  He's changed big time and won't put up with as much as he used to. As a result, she is more respectful and realizes what a catch he is. Maybe he'll stop by and reply. I am also posting it as an interactive email so others can offer their support. 

Hang in there. You're worth it.   Dr. Irene

I want to read others' comments.