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Self Proclaimed Answers Some Questions

Self Proclaimed Answers Some Questions

May 17, 2000

Dr Irene,

Thanks for posting my message and for your comments. I hope I've answered all of your questions below. I also expounded on some more of my background as I see from the responses that there are a few misunderstandings. Larry

How many controlling behaviors do you recognize? Which ones?

I can cite an example where I am guilty of ALL of them.

Time: The world ran on my schedule. I wouldn't make her operate on my schedule, but I definitely would do NOTHING unless I was good and ready. I felt that SHE was trying to control me much of the time by trying to make me go to bed when she did, or make me sit and talk only when she felt like it. I was even difficult over things like cutting the grass. I knew it needed cutting but she would say "Go cut the damn grass" or her favorite: "When you get home you are GOING to cut that grass". One time I caught her MEASURING the grass to see if it was time to harp on me. If it was over three inches tall I was in for it. I settled it by tilling the grass under and replanting... We were in the middle of a drought so that put an end to lawn mowing for the summer.

Body language:
Sulking - Guilty!
Stomping out - That's me!
Refusing to talk  - *plugging his ears* "La La La La La"
Walking away - Done while stomping out.
Refusing to give her something - I never did this.
Hitting or kicking something - Only in my gym. The heavy bag.
Refusing to make eye contact - I used to point the remote at her and hit the "mute" button.
Driving recklessly - Because she made me late! (making her responsible)
Boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs - Did that.
Withdrawing or withholding affection - Never did this.
Showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds - Did this though.
Strutting and posturing - I'd have to say no on this one too.

* She later told me that my going off to my basement gym and striking the heavy bag scared her. She could hear the BOOM every time I laid a good hit to it. She said the whole building would shake.

* She said it was also quite un-nerving that I would never say anything angry but it was obvious that I was mad.

Who besides yourself diagnosed you? (You can be a controller without being a sociopath, you know.)

I was originally diagnosed when I was in grade school after a particularly long ongoing battle I had with my teacher. She was into torture and would paddle me daily. I was known to make comments like "Is that all you got, you old bag?" I would scoff at her punishments... If she made me write something repetitive on the blackboard, she had better be watching, or she would return to a board full of profanity and obscene doodlings. She called my mother and told her that I was obviously a victim of demonic possession. OK.

 I was originally diagnosed with attention deficit disorder as I was totally hyper. Never slept, ran around constantly, always interrupting. Gee, I wonder what was going on at home that made you so nuts... That teacher used to abuse the crap out of me. Every day she would call me stupid, mock me, strike me with her hands. My parents went round and round with the schools but got nowhere. I started flying into a violent rage. I would have uncontrolled fits of rage at other children that would clear the classroom or playground. Eventually I was allowed to switch to a better school with more qualified teachers. Good.

I started seeing another psychologist about 2 years ago and he put me through a slew of tests. After he received the results of a personality battery he told me "If I didn't know you, I would worry about you". I never really took my own behavior very seriously until I saw that Dr.  He referred me to a psychiatrist that is all but worthless though. He takes nothing seriously and just tries to stuff me full of meds. Half the time I swear he isn't even listening to me. Then move along.

Have you asked your psychiatrist what your diagnosis is?

1) Anti-Social Personality Disorder 2) Attention Deficit 3) Bulimia OK. So you're anti social. You could be a politician or a lawyer. If you're real smart, you could run a company. The good sociopaths don't get caught.

Where Bulimia comes into this I have no idea. He says it relates to a control thing I have with myself. As far as I'm concerned I just over exercise.
Which brings me to another point: If you are not being taken seriously in your treatment, take that up with your doc. If that brings no results, look elsewhere or look to supplement your psychiatric treatment. Usually - but not always - psychiatrists medicate. Other types of counselors provide therapy. The majority of my clients see me for therapy and see a psychiatrist for medication.

That is what I do. My psychologist is great, but my psychiatrist has his mind on my insurance company. I'm currently looking for a new one but the pickings are slim.

Why were you referred for psych treatment in the first place?

Social problems. Problems with authority, recklessness, just all around bad behavior throughout my childhood and early adult life. How my parents never beat the living crap out of me, or shipped me off to reform school, I don't know.
You may want to make an appointment with the counselor who told you that you were abusive. Ask her how and why she came to that conclusion.

I did ask her that but she always evaded the question. I never did get a straight answer from her. Later, I found out that she wasn't even a doctor. She is just a court appointed counselor and was chosen for economical reasons rather than qualification. Non-doctoral level clinicians are licensed or certified to practice in all, if not almost all, states.
If you and your ex are buddies, maybe she'll be willing to help you. Ask her to come to this page and explain the reasons she and the counselor think you were abusive.

I gave her the URL. She has blown up at me in the past for "airing our dirty laundry in public"... I don't expect a favorable response. OK.

Also, in reading through some of the responses, I see that a few have questions about my military background. I didn't go into detail and I left it sketchy on purpose. I just didn't see how my war story fits in with my relationship. Sketchy is OK.

Ok. You're an anti-social controlling abuser. Welcome aboard. Dr. Irene