| May
17, 2000
Dr Irene,
Thanks for posting my message and for your comments. I hope I've answered
all of your questions below. I also expounded on some more of my
background as I see from the responses that there are a few
misunderstandings. Larry
How many controlling behaviors do you recognize?
Which ones?
I can cite an example where I am guilty of ALL of them.
Time: The world ran on my schedule. I wouldn't make her operate on
my schedule, but I definitely would do NOTHING unless I was good and
ready. I felt that SHE was trying to control me much of the time by trying
to make me go to bed when she did, or make me sit and talk only when she
felt like it. I was even difficult over things like cutting the grass. I
knew it needed cutting but she would say "Go cut the damn grass"
or her favorite: "When you get home you are GOING to cut that
grass". One time I caught her MEASURING the grass to see if it was
time to harp on me. If it was over three inches tall I was in for it. I
settled it by tilling the grass under and replanting... We were in the
middle of a drought so that put an end to lawn mowing for the summer.
Body language:
Sulking - Guilty!
Stomping out - That's me!
Refusing to talk - *plugging his ears* "La La La La La"
Walking away - Done while stomping out.
Refusing to give her something - I never did this.
Hitting or kicking something - Only in my gym. The heavy bag.
Refusing to make eye contact - I used to point the remote at her and hit
the "mute" button.
Driving recklessly - Because she made me late! (making her responsible)
Boredom-crossed arms, eyes closed, head down, deep sighs - Did that.
Withdrawing or withholding affection - Never did this.
Showing disgust-rolled eyes, deep sighs, inappropriate sounds - Did this
though.
Strutting and posturing - I'd have to say no on this one too.
* She later told me that my going off to my basement gym and striking the
heavy bag scared her. She could hear the BOOM every time I laid a good hit
to it. She said the whole building would shake.
* She said it was also quite un-nerving that I would never say anything
angry but it was obvious that I was mad.
Who besides yourself diagnosed you? (You can be a
controller without being a sociopath, you know.)
I was originally diagnosed when I was in grade school after a particularly
long ongoing battle I had with my teacher. She was into torture and would
paddle me daily. I was known to make comments like "Is that all you
got, you old bag?" I would scoff at her punishments... If she made me
write something repetitive on the blackboard, she had better be watching,
or she would return to a board full of profanity and obscene doodlings.
She called my mother and told her that I was obviously a victim of demonic
possession. OK.
I was originally diagnosed with attention deficit disorder as I was
totally hyper. Never slept, ran around constantly, always interrupting. Gee, I wonder what was going on at home that made you so
nuts... That teacher used to abuse the crap out of me. Every day
she would call me stupid, mock me, strike me with her hands. My parents
went round and round with the schools but got nowhere. I started flying
into a violent rage. I would have uncontrolled fits of rage at other
children that would clear the classroom or playground. Eventually I was
allowed to switch to a better school with more qualified teachers. Good.
I started seeing another psychologist about 2 years ago and he put me
through a slew of tests. After he received the results of a personality
battery he told me "If I didn't know you, I would worry about
you". I never really took my own behavior very seriously until I saw
that Dr. He referred me to a psychiatrist that is all but worthless
though. He takes nothing seriously and just tries to stuff me full of
meds. Half the time I swear he isn't even listening to me. Then move along.
Have you asked your psychiatrist what your diagnosis
is?
1) Anti-Social Personality Disorder 2) Attention Deficit 3) Bulimia OK. So you're anti social. You could be a politician or a
lawyer. If you're real smart, you could run a company. The good sociopaths
don't get caught.
Where Bulimia comes into this I have no idea. He says it relates to a
control thing I have with myself. As far as I'm concerned I just over
exercise.
Which brings me to another point: If you are not
being taken seriously in your treatment, take that up with your doc. If
that brings no results, look elsewhere or look to supplement your
psychiatric treatment. Usually - but not always - psychiatrists medicate.
Other types of counselors provide therapy. The majority of my clients see
me for therapy and see a psychiatrist for medication.
That is what I do. My psychologist is great, but my psychiatrist has his
mind on my insurance company. I'm currently looking for a new one but the
pickings are slim.
Why were you referred for psych treatment in the
first place?
Social problems. Problems with authority, recklessness, just all around
bad behavior throughout my childhood and early adult life. How my parents
never beat the living crap out of me, or shipped me off to reform school,
I don't know.
You may want to make an appointment with the
counselor who told you that you were abusive. Ask her how and why she came
to that conclusion.
I did ask her that but she always evaded the question. I never did get a
straight answer from her. Later, I found out that she wasn't even a doctor.
She is just a court appointed counselor and was chosen for economical
reasons rather than qualification. Non-doctoral level clinicians are
licensed or certified to practice in all, if not almost all, states.
If you and your ex are buddies, maybe she'll be
willing to help you. Ask her to come to this page and explain the reasons
she and the counselor think you were abusive.
I gave her the URL. She has blown up at me in the past for "airing
our dirty laundry in public"... I don't expect a favorable response. OK.
Also, in reading through some of the responses, I see that a few have
questions about my military background. I didn't go into detail and I left
it sketchy on purpose. I just didn't see how my war story fits in with my
relationship. Sketchy is OK.
Ok. You're an anti-social controlling
abuser. Welcome aboard. Dr. Irene
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