|
|
August 2, 2000
Dear Dr. Irene,
I was reading the letter submitted Jeanine
in her letter called My
Story: A Woman's Realization: I Abused The Man I Love.
I am in a similar position and wanted to respond to her. Please forward to her. Thank you. D
Dear D,
I couldn't
figure out which email address belonged to the author of the email
you responded to. So, I did the next best thing: I posted it;
hopefully she is checking in and she'll respond to the board, if she wants to. Best
wishes, Dr. Irene
Dear Jeanine,
I read your letter posted by Dr.Irene and
was completely struck by the similarities of your and my position. I
was in a relationship that ended several months ago. Reading
your letter was like a laundry list of what my ex girlfriend did to me
over the course of a year. And similarly I played a co-dependent
role in it. She consistently tested my trust. In the end
she said she didn't trust me at all.
In the end, I had stopped watching any TV
shows that had woman in them. Which of course meant I watched
the Discovery Channel and the Learning Channel. In the end, I made sure
not to look around when we were outside. If a woman was in my
line of sight, it started a whole argument that I was "looking
around." I allowed myself to become more and more compliant
even though she still had all the same fears. I'm glad you now see this is not OK!
If she asked me to stop doing something, I
did. The problem I had was that, yes I did have codependent
tendencies, but I also was in love with her. As I think she was
with me. But, you always need to love YOU
more...
You see she had a lot of good reasons to be
the way she was: child sexual abuse and rape. At the time, I did
not take care enough of these things. I even feel now that I
could have made it safer somehow for her.
As I work on my stuff in therapy, I see
the places I dropped the ball. Yes, I was angry at her for a
while. But it passed. I also see the places where I could and
can set boundaries, not arbitrary ones, but ones that 2 people can
discuss. I think there is a difference between " I would
like it if you didn't watch that show, because I feel insecure"
and " Don't watch any shows with women in them." Yes. IF the person making the request can
accept "no" for an answer.
When I read what you were writing, I wanted
to tell you that he probably still loves you very much. If you
did reach out to him, he might respond.
But, you know, you too have needs. I
think that if my girlfriend said that she didn't want me to slowly
browse through a Victoria's Secrets catalog, I would see that
differently than walking with my eyes to the ground.
I know I didn't do a good job of meeting
my ex girlfriend's needs, and it fueled the fire of her insecurities.
Talking is the key. Communication. We fought a lot, but
really talking - not a lot. If I knew what she wanted, I would
have given it within limits.
It was so easy to just say, "my
girlfriend is an insecure freak." And many times I did.
If I had spent more time looking at and understanding her - and looking at
my own stuff - we would probably be together too. But maybe not,
maybe my greatest fear was that I would set a limit and she would say,
"See ya." Which is exactly what happened. The acid test: she's not worth your time. After
all the many times she verbally assaulted me when she thought I was
looking around, I said, "You can't talk to me like that."
She said, "I talk to a lot of people like that." I said,
"That's too bad for them." and she stormed off. I know it hurts, but, you're better off.
My grandma used to say, "it takes 2
to polka." Don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like
you are well on the right path. Sorry I couldn't
forward your reply; hope this forum is OK. Dr. Irene
Peace, D
I just want to read the posts. |