| February 1, 2000
Dear Dr. Irene:
I have read the emails related to the couple who are
"destroying" each other "(Not) Putting
My Life Back Together" with great interest because I am the
survivor of such a relationship. I ended a 15 year marriage because
in truth there was no marriage. My wife and I got to a point where
we could not have been more abusive to each other if we had just gone
ahead and declared war on each other.
Dr. Irene, you stated that their marriage is far from over (in the follow-up), I believe a better way to
express what is going on here is that their marriage is far from even
beginning. I like that! There is obviously no
trust, no respect and no open communication between these two. I
agree 101% that each one of them needs to forget about what the other is
doing and concentrate on what they can do for themselves.
When I finally addressed my own
codependency and abusive behavior issues, it became crystal clear to me
what needed to be done, in my case divorce. I have two teenage
children and now have them with me a full 50% of the time. Yes, they
are suffering from the turmoil of a divorce, but at the end of the day,
they are in a better situation without their mother and father constantly
fighting (verbally and sometimes physically).
When I got myself straightened out
and decided what it was about life that I wanted, I realized it was not in
my best interest, or my kid's best interest to try and save the marriage
any longer. Blame is most likely a very big issue for this couple,
each one is too busy blaming the other that they have forgotten that when
you point your finger at someone else there are three more fingers
pointing back at you. Yes. Until they
get beyond the blame game, they will not be able to work on themselves and
move beyond their codependency and abuse issues.
What I see going on with this couple is exactly what my ex-wife and I went
through. You want to save the "marriage", but you don't
know how. Eventually things are done by mistake or on purpose (which
one is actually irrelevant) that destroys the very foundation of the thing
you think you want to save. All this is due to the fact that there
is no real marriage here, what exists is a fantasy of what they think they
want, but don't really have, and in many cases do not have the potential
to obtain. There is no real "marriage" in
the true sense of the word, i.e., a partnership, because there is no
partnership and has never been a partnership. But, the
"connection" these people have in indisputable. It is a
"marriage" in that they were married legally and before God.
Bottom line is, your advice is right on the money, however, it appears to
me that each one of them have many "truths" that they need to
acknowledge before they can begin the task of working on themselves. You are likely correct, though I would phrase it:
"...they have many "truths" they need to acknowledge in
beginning their work on themselves. This lady is in the process of
owning her stuff, though, no doubt, there is more stuff - a truth for all
of us! I pray for them as individuals and I pray that they can find
a path to "begin" their marriage if that is what they truly
desire.
You do good work, thank you for being you. Thank you
for caring. Dr. Irene
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