I
Thought…
Once
upon a time, I thought,
He
was the soul mate I had sought.
I
loved this man, with all my heart,
At
last, I believed, a brand new start.
He
was so thoughtful, loving, kind.
And
always kept my feelings in mind.
I
went all out to show my love.
I
thanked whoever was up above.
He
felt the same, or so I thought.
At
first it seemed that's what I got.
But
soon his doubts began to creep,
Disturbing
peace, and even sleep.
No
matter what I said to him,
His
view of me was very grim.
Accused
of lying and cheating too,
I
tried to tell him it wasn't true.
"But
all the signs are there", he said.
"Maybe
subconsciously in your head
You
just aren't aware of what you feel."
But
he was wrong; my feelings were real.
Nothing
I did was ever enough.
His
mood and temper were becoming gruff.
The
negative thoughts he had of me
Were
real to him but hurtful indeed.
Constantly
questioning my thinking and feeling,
Would
leave me sinking, my head just reeling.
Someday
he will see, I thought.
His
fears about me aren't real; they're not.
But
soon my denial of his perception
Spawned
more fears of my intention.
He
began to suspect my goal was control.
By
defending my self, I was digging a hole.
He
was angry because I said he was wrong
Not
realizing he'd done this to me all along.
He
controlled my emotions when he was suspicious,
His
displays of anger became more malicious.
He
wouldn't hurt me, or so I thought.
But
in his cycle I was caught.
I
was expected to understand
His
fears and lend a helping hand.
Yet
talking led nowhere, he kept insisting.
My
love and devotion he was resisting.
My
own self-esteem was really dwindling.
He'd
take my defence and use it as kindling.
In
anger and resentment my voice would get higher.
Next
thing I knew we had a raging fire.
My
fault he said, for being defensive,
He
was just talking; I was offensive.
Someday
he will see, I thought.
He
was usually responsible when we fought.
His
constant, subtle doubts of me,
The
putdowns about my family,
The
accusations about my intentions,
And
frequent, confusing misperceptions.
My
parenting, housekeeping: both in question.
My
opinions, feelings, every suggestion
Were
reasons for anger, resentment and rage.
I
was beginning to feel like I lived in a cage.
He
was offensive and I was oppressed.
I
cried all the time, became very depressed.
Yet
according to him, I was equally bad
For
saying mean things when I got mad.
But
I am just human and I couldn't take
The
one I loved filled with so much hate.
He
called me a liar, a cheater too.
And
always said I don't know what I do.
"I
hate you, don't love you; get out of my life."
"I
love you, I'm sorry, please be my wife."
"You
never shut up, you're such a bitch,
It's
over, I've had it; you blew it you witch."
"I
didn't mean it, I'm just so stressed,
I've
had a rough life and I'm so depressed."
Yes,
I've called him unstable, crazy, psychotic,
Delusional,
selfish, controlling, neurotic.
But
he choked me while I cried, "I love you, I do"
So
maybe in fact my words were true.
Of
course I defended myself, who wouldn't?
I
loved and trusted, too bad he couldn't.
What
I had thought is now long gone.
It's
time for me to carry on.
I
hope someday that he will see
Exactly
what he did to me.
Melissa
