| November 17, 2002 Dear Doc,
I found out about your site from a friend 2 years ago. After hitting rock
bottom, and being diagnosed as severely depressed, I started my journey of
discovery. I discovered the life I had was only an illusion. I have been in
counseling for almost 3 years. I'm happy to say I can hardly remember how I
used to be. :) I'm now 45 years old. By
the Grace of God I'm finally free, mostly from my fear. The truth WILL set
you free. You bet!
My counselor revealed to me that my Mom is a narcissist. I was as
codependent as anyone could possibly be. My dad was there, but I never knew
him well enough to know what his problem was, except for the fact he was
married to a narcissist. I was a "perfect" middle child. I graduated at the
top of the class, and assumed I was going to college, until my Mom informed
me that they didn't have money for me to go to school. I got married with an
18 year old mentality. My Mom had already told my older brother he needed to
get out of the house, "because it wasn't fair for my Dad to support him
anymore." I knew I would die when she told me the same thing, so I didn't
give her the chance. I was married for almost 6 years and had 2 daughters.
We did okay, but I don't think he ever really loved me. I actually think
he's gay for a lot of reasons that I won't go into. Two years later, I
married someone I had known in school. He was the only person who helped
with my daughters while I worked. I worked in the evenings. I thought we
were best friends. I was always his best friend...he just wasn't mine.
When I first went to counseling, I told them my marriage was great, and I
was there because I needed help for my anger. I had started telling my
husband that I hated him, and it scared me. I didn't know what to do with
all this ANGER. I knew I was angry with my Mom and my husband, and they are
the only ones whom I directed it at. I was angry at Mom because she had
raised me to be a door mat. My needs were not important, but I had to be
sure to please everyone else. My husband started his 19 years of various
forms of abuse toward me the same day we got married. He started comparing
me in great detail to his ex wife. When I weighed 105 pounds, he compared me
with someone who weighed 98 pounds. He said I needed to do something with my
hair, my clothes... He even told me he wished I acted more slutty. He
harassed me for a year or more, saying he wanted to watch me with someone
else. I cried. Ouchhh!
You name it, he did it. We all know the scenario. I started going to
Church and started praying. I asked God to guide me, and He did. I
had to show my daughters there was a better way to live. They are now 22 and
24, and are very independent young women. We are very close to each other. I
learned that God will not send you where you are not ready to go. I had a
lot of work to do. I had a lot or reading and praying to do. I had to detach
from my husband, and realize that it was all an illusion. We did not have a
great marriage, and I was depressed for a reason. I was frozen in
fear and anger.
I went on your website sometimes several times a day. At work I would
start going into denial about our relationship. That was the easy way. I
would read stories on your site and would realize that if I didn't do
something, I would end up spending the rest of my life being miserable and
depressed. I decided that wasn't good enough. I filed for divorce in January
2002. It was final September 26th. I'm still working on getting structure in
my life, but I'm happy. I slept on the floor for 2 weeks, but I was happy.
The truth will set you free. Time heals nothing. God heals all wounds.
Without God's help, we continue making the same mistakes over and over.
Thank you again for your help and your website. You will never what a
blessing it has been for me. Sincerely,
Jane
Dear Jane, As a therapist, God is my greatest ally.
I've always found those fortunate enough to have (whatever their version of)
God in their life were helped tremendously during the pain inherent in
recovery. I'm very happy for you and I thank you for sending in your story
and for your kind words. Yipppeeeee!!! to you! Warmly, Doc
Those new to narcissism can read a series of
articles by Dr. Vaknin on this site beginning
here. Or, start
with a man's experience of a
narcissistic female here. There are also some good books on the topic in
The Bookshelf
under "Personality Disorders."
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