My Story 5: Controller and Victim Tales
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B1: Submit Submit Hi,my name is Simone I would like to submit my story. Both my parents are extremely manipulative.My mother, in a more underhanded way, my father is an verbal and emotional abuser.They are both people who suffer from lack of self-love and self-esteem; it has taken me all this time to understand this as the patterns are so underground. My sisters and I have all married controlling,insecure men who have a basic dislike and fear of women; in other words, women are not to be trusted and to be kept in their place. I married a brilliant doctor at 21 and proceeding to lose my identity. I thought that by agreeing with his every whim thta I would be loved and that he was being so generous and materially that I had nothing to complain about;I had however, no say in anything important and I had to do everything he said.I didn't know how to pay a bill and I had no idea what our finances were;not for lack of trying but he would always fob me off. The abuse came from the fact that subltely and not so subltely, I wasn't allowed any opinion, I had to dress a certain way,and was snapped into line if I didn't behave. I had started to drink. When my daughter was born, I tried to set my boundaries and even asked him if we could get some couple counseling.Of course, by this time, I was deep into my alcoholism and it was all my fault(in his eyes and mine). After our seperation, I went into therapy yet it takes a long time to build self-love,self-esteem and to form healthy relationships with appropriate boundaries when you just don't know how and to allow yourself to do so. I have to learn to trust someone again;I have only had one relationship since my divorce and have been sober for a while now. The victim role in its way is just as powerful as the abuser but they are both based on one underlying thing-fear. After 10 years of analysis, 12- stepping, I would have hoped that I had learned something. I have learned that recovery is an ongoing thing and that when you maintain denial over the years, the patterns are very difficult to break.The family dynamics in mine are so strong that my new boundary settings frighten my parents sometimes, as they themselves have never made the painful step of looking at themselves and revert to old patterns. They see it boundary setting as manipulation and think that I am doing this as a maneouver.What a struggle. I have had to change some of my friends as I evolved and our mutual behaviour no longer meshed. The one dilemma which crosses my mind and causes me some anxitey is-will I know what is healthy and which is just ordinary relationships dynamics? I guess, I will have to learn to take that leap of faith. Thank you for listening.
Submit My total life seems to be in turmoil. I'm in my second marriage of 4 years. I'm 36 years old with 4 children ranging in ages of 17 years to 2 months. My first husband was killed 8 years ago and that left me to raise our 2 children alone. I met my current husband 6 years ago and we were married and have 2 children together. BTW, he's 31. Every since I've met him, he's had an attitude but I apparently discounted it for one reason or another. He's progressively gotten worse over time and it's to the place he's getting unbearable. He calls me names, throws things at me (whatever's in his hand at the time) not every time hitting me but sometimes it does. He uses very foul language in the pressence of my/our children (including calling me names and throwing things). The ages of my children are 17/m, 12/f, 2/m, 2 month/f. My 2 year old is now calling me and his sister a Bit*h, he's throwing things when he gets angry. He's mimicking his father is the best way I can describe it. My husband always discredits my feelings and opinions on issues, especially when it deals with him and his attitude. I've tried talking to him about how important it is that we control ourselves so to teach my/our children to do the same, only for him to get mad at me and call me names, threatening to leave and so on..... The latest little instance would be on Saturday. He took a nap and he woke up not in the best of moods obviously. I was busy doing something else and our baby was fretting (not crying) and he stormed into the room and gave the baby a pacifier and huffed...I asked him what was wrong and he blew up at me. He told me he was sick of my games...he thinks that if he has to attend to the baby then i'm trying to teach him a lesson about how hard it is attending to a baby and a 2 year old. I told him I weren't doing anything wrong and he threw the towel he was holding at me and began calling me a bitch and how he wished he had somewhere to go, that he'd leave me. I told him he was more than welcome to leave with his attitude and he told me I was the one leaving he's not going anywhere... Well the arguement continued for a few minutes after him slamming doors, saying vulgar words, and throwing things..I told him he must be afraid to leave because he knew he wouldn't get back in if he did..and he told me he'd show me he'd get back in and he walked out...I LOCKED THE DOOR. He began kicking the door, slamming the door to my car (telling me he hit it) and threatening me from outside of the house..What he did next was frightening and disturbing. He hit the window of our door and his arm came through. He cut his wrists bad..Blood was pouring (1 1/2 inches long and 1/4 inches deep) he cut a vein but not an artery. I let him back in and called 911...we got that taken care of and came back home. He would then make jokes about it all saying things like "I got what I deserved didn't I?"...he was saying in an egging me on way...wanting me to tell him how I feel so he could only get pissed at me again...HE DOES IT ALL THE TIME. That's how alot of our arguement start..He'll ask me what's wrong with me or how do I feel and then gets mad because I answer. I could go on and on about things here but it wouldn't make things any better, I've just said that little thing so you can get a general idea of how he is...my question is................... IS THERE HOPE OUT THERE FOR MY MARRIAGE OR WHAT IN THE WORLD CAN I DO???????????????? I'm so confused 99% of the time. Answer quickly, I feel I don't have much time!
Submit I am married to a man that is verbally abusive! This is my second marriage. My first marriage ended because my ex-husband was just no good at being responsible. I met my current husband 13 years ago, there I was- a divorced mother of one child (who was age 1 at the time). I longed for companionship, along came prince charming (or so it seemed at first). The verbal abuse started as put downs, he put down the way my hair looked, or my makeup. It always seemed as if he was in competition with me. He told me several times how much smarter he is than me, he even calls himself a genius and tells me I am stupid! He appeared so loving at first, he accepted my son as his own, until we had a child together, he then started putting down my son, picking fights with him and putting him down. My husband is also very controlling, he comes home from work each day asking me what I did today, how much money I spent, where I went. He buys whatever he pleases and gets mad when I go shopping and spend money. He picks fights with me over the stupidest things, then retreats away from me for hours on end, ignoring me and our two children. It is like he starts fights on purpose so he can get away from us. I feel as if I am raising two children alone! All the responsibility is placed on me, all the housework, bill paying etc. If it is not done to his expectation he yells at me calls me lazy,or tells me I don't do things right. I didn't know this is all verbal abuse until I came across this website! He puts me down by making comments about how pretty or how well built other woman are, this makes me feel very unnatractive so I change my looks to try to please him, it never does, he always finds some fault with me. I live most days in a deep depression and have taken medications for it over the years. I think now, after reading the information on this website, and the other victims stories it is time to make a change! I am sick of being verbally abused! I am going to take the little confidence I have left and make a change! I am sick of the putdowns, name calling, withholding of affection to spite me! Thank you so much for the opportunity to share my nightmare! Amethyst
Submit gosh doc,,,,,,i discovered your site and was really surprised,,,,Ooops! Yukky stuff!,,,,,keep it coming,,,,don
Submit Hi- I'm responding to the August 8 submit from "Don". What seems to be the problem Don? Are you an abuser? Have any idea what it is like to be trapped with children and no other resources to make changes? Have any idea the dysfunction that these abusive men/women cause their families and how their children are so emotionally scarred and in pain that they end up with no confidence to eventually succeed in a normal life? Lonliness, fear, depression..Sorry, is it disturbing to you that these folks are being comforted by this website because they have no other place to go all because of one sick, inhuman, deranged, internally man/or woman? If you don't have anything constructive to say on this website then please do not say anything. You have no business here. Ana
Submit Thirty-six years is a long time. Thirty-four of those years were even a longer time. It started when the first baby arrived. I guess the attention wasn't focused on him anymore. I still remember the first time he yelled. The apartment was clean, and one load of laundry, waiting to be folded, was in the gold chair. A few baby toys were scattered on the living room floor. He came in, looked, and started yelling about what a messy place we had. I went and got the diaper pail(before disposables), the laundry basket filled with toys, and put them by the door. The car was on the street and I pulled it into the carport. When I got back inside he said he was sorry. So sorry. I don't remember if I cried or not. Thirty-four years later, I remember the last time he yelled. It was after church. We went to the patio to speak with a couple that we know. He and the other lady were speaking about a Japanese 'soap opera' that they watch. He made a comment about 'how did they keep their kimonos so unwrinkled?' I said they probably ironed them. I got THE LOOK. I physically took a step back. The other couple left, and we started walking to our car. Past the front of church. And in front of the rectory I asked him 'why did you give me that look?' BAM!! He screamed in my face, "I don't know what's the matter with you! You're so HOSTILE! I'm going to walk home!" Then he calmed a little bit and went for breakfast. I started crying and went to the ladies room. Came back, and couldn't eat. Told him I was going to the car. He paid and came out to the car and I started crying and telling him that it felt 'like he was shooting me, and I was bleeding, and it hurt'. He was sorry (of course). I hadn't cried in front of him in years. I was numb. I couldn't feel any anything. I didn't want to go shopping, see my friends, anything. All I wanted was to get away. Somewhere safe. Strange how our minds work. I thought about escape and told myself I couldn't go until after the wash machine man came on Tuesday. I decided I would leave on Wednesday. Tuesday morning he came into the little office we have at home. I deliberately put the big desk chair in front of me. No, he's never hit me. But I needed some sort of shield because I am so vulnerable. I cried, he apologized, the wash machine man came and said he couldn't do the work that day and I said then I was leaving today, instead of tomorrow. He laid on the bed while I packed. I told him it wasn't easy to go. He said it wasn't easy to let me go. I had no idea where I would go. Except that I didn't want to go to anyone's house. I just needed to be by myself. I felt like I was fragmenting. Little pieces of me were disintegrating, and if I didn't go I'd disappear altogether. I left. I ran errands all day in the city. The first one was to the Auto Club. When I left there I knew where I was going. I had food, clothes, water, some cash, a charge card, my cell phone, my pillow, and my teddy bear. I drove about two hours from home, and passed through a not-so-nice area saying out loud, "I'm not stopping at that motel!" Then a nice motel appeared, the rate was reasonable, and I stopped for the night. Locked myself in, and cried, as I dialed my best friend's phone number. She answered, and I said, "I left." She said she knew I was going when she saw me on Sunday. She's been there and done that. The next morning I was packed and out of there fast. He didn't know where I was, but I felt too close to home to feel emotionally safe. I drove about four more hours, and came to my planned destination. I had no reservations, but they had room. I had stopped at a small market and gotten some bread, lunchmeat, fresh spinach, and water. That was my lunch and dinner. I didn't know how long my money would last, and I didn't want to run up a big charge bill. I stayed at that motel one night and moved to another for the next two nights because the first one was already booked. It was a small town I had heard about, touristy enough to get lost in, but small enough to feel comfortable. It was by the beach. Before I had left home I had gone online one night and found this website and found a name for the misery in my life--verbal abuse. I went to a couple of bookstores and bought all the books I could find on verbal abuse. I walked to the beach each day and sat and read and cried as I recognized my story in those pages!I underlined, and starred certain passages. While I was away I began to feel peaceful. I even had some tentative conversations. And didn't get yelled at. But I still just kept to myself. I didn't stay away long enough. Six days later I went home--or back--it doesn't feel like home anymore. Now I'm caught between two worlds. Do I go or stay?? He is going to therapy. And he said he is going to change. He doesn't want to lose me. I'm having great difficulty just having a conversation with him. Because I'm afraid. Things are getting too calm. Just like all the other times. And I know what happens when things get too calm, and I feel too close to him. When I least expect it. On a lovely day. Out of the clear blue sky. I'll say or do something that will set him off. And he'll scream in my face again. And I can't let that happen. So I'm taking little trips while I try to figure this out. A few days to visit an aunt, a friend. Trying desperately to get my head and my heart together. Will I stay? I don't know. Will I go? I don't know. What do I know? He'll scream again. I see the tension building in his face. And I see him trying to hold it back. He goes to therapy tomorrow. Will it help him?? What do you think?? By the way, I asked him why he screamed at me in front of church that day. He said if I hadn't asked him why he had given me that look, he wouldn't have screamed. It was my fault.
Submit I am 21. I have been in an abusive marriage for 5 years. I have 2 young kids. My husband is 8 years older than me. I think the age thing is a big problem. I want to leave but I have no support. He has never hit me but what he does hurts just as bad. Every one thinks I should stay because he is a good provider. My mom says go to church and God will fix my marriage. She also says if I leave I can't live with her. But she told Mike that if he takes the kids he can live with her. Things have only been worse since I asked for a divorce. A good friend said I didn't need his permission to divorce him. But I feel like I need his permission for everything. I can't even drive my car anymore. I am afraid to drive. I have no friends now because no one likes him. I feel so trapped. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will be here forever. I am ashamed to admit it but sometimes I wish he would die. It would be easier than leaving him. I don't love him anymore. He has been so disrespectful and abusive. My family believes I am the abusive one because of things he has told them. I have never been on my own and I am not sure I am strong enough to make it now. I have no self esteem left. Thanks, Lori
Submit My story (don't let it be yours!): Years ago my ex-husband cheated on me with a woman at work. I was glad when she gave him herpes because I thought it would teach him a lesson. It didn't. He cheated on his next wife with two other women at work and is now cheating on his girlfriend. People who don't know what he's done think he is a good man, respected executive and devoted father who is active in church and charity functions. Unfortunately he uses these venues to prey on women. Watch out for him! He is not what he seems. Here's what to look for: he's about 40 years-old, 5' 9", with salt-and-pepper hair and blue eyes. He works as an executive at a security company in Irving, Texas; lives in Plano, Texas; and is very involved with the Multiple Sclerosis Society's MS150 bike race. If you know him, meet him, are involved with him, RUN. You can not run away fast enough. I have had to deal with this man for almost twenty years and it has been a nightmare. Don't fall into his trap.
Submit dear ana,,,,,was excited to get a reply from you,,,wow,,,an actualy politically correct whiner in the flesh,,,hey,,,life is full of hard knocks,,,i was raised in an orphanage home and i could fill volumes about abuse,,,im not whining about it,,,we make decisions,,,they have consequences,,,,all this is a one sided trip blaming men for everything,,,it pervades our culture,,,its like some constant droning mantra,,,men are not responsible for your situation,,,,we are painted as the source of evil,,,villains of history etc,,,,,sick of hearing about it,,,everyone on this site is responsible for their own situations,,,this site is nothing more than a pacifier,,a crutch,,,,talk about taking back power and all this nonsense,,,,want a little satori,,,here it is,,,,its your life,,,live it,,,dont blame anybody,,,work hard,,,,keep your own house clean,,,clean up your own messes,,,and stop whining,,,,this whining,,,,is indicative of why people are victims in the first place,,,,stand up,,,,transcend this nonsense,,,,,don;;;;;this probably went over your head.
Submit My story is pretty typical. Met a man who seems so caring, loving, attentive. Seemed to want to do anything to make me happy. Seemed very settled. I was 43 and divorced for 18 years and he was 48 and divorced for 18 years. After 6 months we were engaged and six months later we married. Big wedding which he said he would pay for. All I had to do was find the church, buy my dress, and the flowers, he would pickup the rest. After 3 months of marriage he called me a f______ b____ and started screaming at me because I did not tell him that I had owed the government money for income taxes. I guess at that time I thought I deserved to be treated like that. I told him it was my problem and not his and that I would take care of it. I had sold my house I lived in of 15 years. Gave away all the contents of a 3 bedroom, 2 bath home. I had a beautiful yard with a beautiful deck and pool. I moved into his home that he lived in for 15 years also. After the taxes were settled I owed $610, that's all. My wedding day was a blur, I remember standing much of the time alone, feeling that this is just a bad dream, he wasn't really around me, but with all his friends, drinking and doing drugs. I even had to drive home that nite in my beautiful wedding gown and veil. Anyway things went downhill from the start. He is a very angry person inside. He has slammed the front door in my face for no reason at all. He has shouted that I don't know how to balance a checkbook, kept repeating it over and over one nite, all I said was OK I hear you. He turns all the lights out in the house goes to the bedroom and slams the door. Constantly criticizes everything I do, or that I didn't do anything in the first 6 months of marriage. Our one year anniversary was spent in Vegas to renew our vows (his idea), it was disastrous, my purse was stolen and his wallet was stolen. I feel he had something to do with that, so that he had more control because I had no money now, He had money in the safe, which he controlled. Well when we got home after he yelled at me for going to have a cigarette with my girlfriend, and then not helping him with the luggage when we arrived at the airport (why would I want to help him if he talks to me the way he does) he blew up and out of control when I opened the patio door and one of his cats got out. The words flew: you f______ b____, f______ a_____. I cried all nite long, I couldn't stop. I knew this marriage was a mistake, I just wouldn't take this one more time. But 3 months later it did. He said that I was acting like a b____, and that "look how stupid I am, look who I married." At this point I acted out and did something that wasn't me at all. My intention was to remove myself from the situation which I did to play darts with my girlfriend. Unfortunately I started to drink a lot to forget and a guy started to play darts with us. I let him flirt with me, when I know I shouldn't have. But unfortunately I wasn't feeling very good about myself at all. I just didn't care anymore. Like my husband said nice performance. But I look back now and try to understand why I did what I did. I have found some answers. What it really made me realize is that that was not who I am but the person I had become because of his abuse. It had to stop. I did not want to act out ever again. He told me I had to leave after the incident on a Wednesday nite because he was afraid of what he might do, and he didn't want to go back to jail. I asked if I could have until Saturday. He said no tomorrow AM. I got up and did all my laundry, packed the car. Went to leave and he was so upset and crying and pretty much hysterical. At one point he was looking like he was going to pass out. I didn't know if he was having a heart attach or a stroke. It really scared me. So I stayed to get him to lay down for a while or I was going to call the ambulance. He said if you s___ my d___ maybe we can work this out. I got him to lay down for awhile. He insisted on having sex, slept for awhile and when we awoke a few hours later he says lets go out to dinner he's hungry. ?????? We started going to counseling, he went 2 or 3 times only. I am still going. He didn't like the counselor and I suggested we could go to a marriage counselor and I would continue to go to the original counselor. No comment, so I still went to the original counselor by myself. The first time I left in October. When I came back after a few weeks he told me he reported my car stolen (in his name only) my cell phone stolen (his name only), picked-up my fur coat out of storage, changed the locks in the house and garage, 90% of my things that I didn't bring with me the first time were taken out of the house (but he insisted he didn't take any of my things). I asked him three times, his answer was gone two times and the last time he said well if you go do the laundry maybe everything will just magically appear. He put a security system on the house and wouldn't give me the code number. I got stranded at a shopping plaza and got a ride to the house but couldn't get in because I didn't have the code. I sat in the garage for 2 hours until a neighbor came home so I could call him at work and get the code. After I left the second time in November for good this time he still had the car reported stolen when he said he had it taken off. Took the cell phone out of my car. Fooled with my cigarette lighter, when I lit my cigarette the flame was like a torch. Never happened before, never after. Stole my license plates off of my car (he was on vacation)!!!! Took me off of all insurance's, including health in January which I have to watch closely because I have three sisters who have had breast cancer Some statements he has made: I saved you. No one can ever love you like I do. No d____ no brains. I don't need to prove a f______ think to you when I questioned him to prove he was in the hospital for 3 days when we were separated for 3 weeks. Told me it "killed him to be married" after 1 month of marriage when he rode his Harley to a bar and talked to the bartender (woman). Told me I should listen and learn from him how to cook. Not to do it my way because it's the wrong way. Why wouldn't I listen to someone who knows (him). Oh Please! (one of his many responses to something I would say) I have no clue what we spend on vacation. (repeatedly over and over) I spend to much money on my hair. I spend too much money on myself, he only spends money on other people or for the house. I didn't ask the right questions when I had to call the Limo after our honeymoon to get home like how long till they come, what color is the car? (he wouldn't talk to me all the way home) Your just lucky I didn't smash your face in or you would still be reconstructive surgery. You need to leave because I don't know what I will do and I don't want to go back to jail. He says the above 2 statements are not threats but just his thoughts? What do you think? Huh? Look how stupid I am, look who I married. and so much more Well now its been almost 9 months since I left him in November of 2000. I have no regrets of leaving him. I am thankful that I am still going to a counselor. I would definitely recommend everyone find themselves a counselor. Somehow talking to someone that is not a relative or good friend seems clearer. I had moved in with friends the first 2 months but then I found a beautiful new condo to rent, safe and secure. He has not responded to anything my lawyer has given him. The pre-trial court was July 20th. He called the nite before at 5:15 and said there was a death in the family in Michigan and he wouldn't be able to go to court. He has no family. I want my lawyer to have him prove there was a death. This will be a long drawn out divorce, but I have prepared myself for that and have gained more strength each day by his antics. I pretty much laugh about the things he says or does. I know now he has a problem that he is narcissistic. Also read all you can about the subject of narcissism. It really helps you to understand why he acts the way he does. It helps you to realize it has nothing to do with you. It is definitely a mental disorder. He also was hurt early on when his parents died at 11 and 16, he turned to drugs. He spent 4 years in anger management. I was no longer willing to try to make him happy, for now I know I never could. He will never be happy, but I am and I plan to stay that way. I spent 15 months with him and the last 9 months were so confusing, I did not know what was going on. I was so confused. I am not confused anymore. I know what I hear, see and feal. Noone has the right to tell me these things except me. No matter how hard it seems to leave, everyday gets better when you do. Compare that with everyday you stay with him, everyday gets worse. Thankful to be me again Mari
Submit I had been verbally abuse to my husband, but not intentionally, I had asked for forgiveness and maybe trying again, we seem to love each other so much, I think he still cares for me too, it's just that he hold grudges, and it's hard for him to forgive, should I give up? Delois from CA
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