| January 15, 2000
I'll make my story as
short as possible. I'm 53yo with grown kids and a grandson. I've been with
my husband for 34 yrs. I knew within the first 3 months of marriage that I
had made a terrible mistake. No one before I married my husband had
ever treated badly, so I was in a state of shock with my new
husband.
I had never known anyone like him.
He's a chronic liar and manipulator. He was very cruel to me and
indifferent and I was ignored and neglected a lot. He always had a nasty
comment for me. I was terribly hurt and very confused, but I was
determined to make my marriage work because of all my love. Something had
never felt quite right and I always felt he had some sort of problem and
he had such a horrible childhood that I used that as an excuse and a
reason to stay and love him and help him. I took my marriage vows
seriously.
Once the kids came it became worse
for me, because I wanted to make things good for my kids. I walked on
eggshells all the time. I didn't want to make him angry. He had a big
anger problem and a terrible temper. Everything made him mad and then he
took it out on me and
the kids. I did fight him back quite often when I'd had enough. I did
stand up for myself and voice my opinions. Many things happened over the
yrs to cause huge blow-ups, but I was going to make sure my kids had their
dad and mom together and had a family. I think I was right, I just wish
now I had handled things differently. He was a couch potato and I was the
one who carried the load. I was his mother really. He was a good provider
and so-so dad and once my kids were in school, I went to work part-time
and I continued to work.
After 30 yrs of marriage I
discovered he was having an affair for 2 yrs. I was devastated and numb.
He cried like a baby and begged me not to leave him and swore he was in
love with only me. He said he was sorry many, many times, but it never fit
his behavior. I thought it was worth a try to keep our marriage together,
since we had such a long history and there were some good times. I found
out so many things he had lied to me about, I would just fly into
rages and literally be out-of-control. Of course.
The affair was the straw that broke
the camel's back. I really let him have it. It opened a Pandora's
Box for me, the past hurts came out in a vengeance, and I was an emotional
wreck. I couldn't sleep or eat. I couldn't think or concentrate. I could
be looking at someone and listening to them and not hear a word. I had
trouble with my memory too. I cried and cried. I was seeing a therapist,
because I truly thought I was going insane. I was shocked at my rages and
all the anger. He has told me I am crazy for my behavior towards him and
he thinks all my angry and hurt should have been over by now and he should
be totally forgiven now. Not only were you full of
rage for past injuries and all you had put up with, you were also in a
clinical depression! He can think what he thinks. Your hurt and anger will
pass when and if it passes, and not a moment sooner. He needs to accept
that. Your behavior was out of control, but it was not crazy. (You were
"crazy" when you took all his acting out!)
He doesn't understand all my
anger. He doesn't have to. He just has to accept it,
since it is. All I really wanted from my husband was some explanations
and comfort. I wanted some answers, and I wanted him to really prove to me
that he loved me. I guess I wanted him to love me enough to take the heat
for awhile. All of what you wanted is perfectly
normal! But, you are asking for blood from a rock. I wanted him to
understand how very hurt I was. He attacked my womanhood and all that
entails. I felt unwanted and undesired, which was made worst since he had
started having occasional erection problems a few months before I found
out. That's been off and on ever since I found out too. I really let the
other woman have it too. I felt like a fool and de-humanized, and as if I
was of no value. Don't judge your worth from his
treatment of you! His view is distorted! He can
only see the world through very selfish and infantile eyes: what he wants;
what he thinks.
Things have not gotten any better
between us in these last 2.5 yrs and as far as I'm concerned it is because
of him. Anytime I had questions instead of just answering them and
comforting me, he would become angry and then a fight would result. Agreed that it is entirely unreasonable on his part to
behave this way. So, why do you persist in asking? Haven't you
figured out yet that you won't get anywhere? I'm so disappointed
and resentful. I'm the one would has truly suffered. I don't know the
whole story concerning the two of them, but they do. Their story doesn't matter.
They did what they wanted and I
never had any say about what I wanted for my life. I now have this burden
to carry for the rest of my life and I hate it. No matter how emotionally
and verbally abusive he could be, I never expected this. My life was
turned up-side down and it feels like all these years as been a farce and
that I just wasted my life. I feel he is not the man I thought he was. I
thought he had more integrity and dignity. I feel as though he has done a
lot of smoke screening. It wasn't that he wanted me and the marriage, but
just the package. He has always done the gas lighting bit, but it got
worse. My gut tell me that he is in love with the other woman, but he
denies that. He says that I am the woman he loves and wants, but that's
not how it feels or appears. We are now talking divorce and I haven't been
the only one hurt, so has the rest of the family.
I'm disgusted and sick and tired,
but it's hard to give up that dream of maybe it will be ok. I doubt I can
ever trust him again or ever really get over this. Perhaps I should, as
hard as it will be, just let it go and move on. I don't have any answers
and I don't know what to do or believe. I'm not depressed, just very sad
and I can't imagine the hurt ever leaving. I would welcome any suggestions
or comments and some encouragements. Most people seem to think I should
lighten up and give him a second chance. How?
Here is my take
on where you are: You are so very, very angry, you have decided to refuse
to forgive this man. By the way, I am not judging you or passing
judgment. It is just the way I hear it. On the other hand, you have a long
history and a family together, and more than anything, you want the
marriage to survive. You are insisting that he behave towards you with
simple human consideration. If he did that - and you are not asking too
much - I have a feeling that he would be forgiven.
The problem is, the
little you ask, he won't do. You know this, but hope that somehow you are
wrong or that things will change. His thinking is incomprehensible to you.
I have no
crystal ball. Men around his age sometimes soften with age. Others harden.
I don't know where your husband will go. Or with whom. I do know that you
need to stop asking him questions and to stop expecting him to behave like
a human being. He won't, and you will just frustrate yourself more.
It is your life;
only you can choose which way to go since only you know your situation. Be
careful here: If you feel he loves the other woman, would giving him more
time in the marriage just give him more time to engage in his drama with
her - and to make sure she will really stick with him, as you did? Will he
leave you for her later?
My advice if you decide to
give it another shot:
 | Do not accept
an affair under any circumstances. |
| Stop asking for
and expecting what he cannot give. |
| Refuse to put up
with any verbal or emotional abuse. |
| Insist he get
treatment; go with him. |
My prayers are with
you at this very difficult time, Dr. Irene
January 16, 2000
Thank you for your quick reply. Everything
that you said made perfect sense and it was just what I needed to hear. I
think I'll just go with my intuition and if we finally do split, then we
do. It's sad though. This has certainly changed me and how I view
everything now.
January 18
H I Take a look at this page. Also look at Tex's 3 part story & the
next section where I comment. I think it
will help.
Many regards, Dr. Irene
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