Love Addiction
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Sent: Thursday, April 15, 1999
Dear Dr. Irene,
I am a 45 year old woman in a relationship that is very difficult. I was married for 25
years to a verbal and abusive man. I have been divorced for almost 4 years. I met this man
and after a month I knew I was falling for him. we have been seeing each other for almost
4 months now and I am not sure if it a healthy relationship. He has been married 2
times, and also ended a long term relationship. The old girlfriend is still tied to him
financially. I am at the point in this relationship where I am wanting to spend more time
with him. We get really close and then he tells me that he is scared and feels like
running. He doesn't want to feel the pain of being hurt again. This really scares me and I
finally told him this. It seems when we get really close than he pulls away. He stops
saying how much he cares for me. I tell him that I want to be with him and he says let me
see what is going on and he will get back to me. For most of this time I have been on a
roller coaster ride. When we are together everything seems so wonderful. I do a lot of
crying because I do not know where I stand in his life. I have a very hard time saying
what I need and want to say for fear that I will upset him or he will decide that he wants
to break off things with me. He is in total control when we see each other and I do not
think this is fair. He will be gone for the next 2 weekends and so far he has not made
plans to see me before he is going. I really want to be with him and have let him know. He
finally made plans to be with me tonight, but now it will be for dinner. I really do need
help and I am not sure if I should speak my mind.
Jennifer
There is something to be said for
grandma's advice that the woman allow the man to chase her. You are making yourself way
too available!
You say he is in total control
and you think this is not fair. You are right, it is not fair. But there is really nothing
to talk to him about. You are the only one who can level the playing field, and you do
that only by your actions! Take control of yourself and stop chasing him. Why would you
want to spend so much time with a man who isn't eager to see you? Make yourself and your
family the center of your life. Live your life, and if you don't have one, this is
the time to get one! If he cares, watch him move your way.
What if you stop chasing and he
goes away? Well, you know the old saying: he was simply never yours. It is
wonderful to let someone you care about know how you feel. But, you need to make it
perfectly clear that you care even more about yourself.
Don't sell yourself short; don't
accept crumbs. If you settle for crumbs, that is all you will get. You deserve much more!
Dr. Irene
Dr.
Irene, before I got your e-mail yesterday I had been doing a lot of
thinking. walking. And he said he really was sorry. I went back and he
kissed me
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