My Story:
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Listen
to Their Stories of the Past!| October 10, 1005
I am in complete awe and am so thankful for your site!!
My story is short, and will be so because of all the wonderful stories,
incredible insight and support shared. I feel I owe a world of thanks to
all those who have diverted what could have been absolute catastrophe in
my life. I've only known him a few, but very intense months.
Isolation in these relationships seem to be the common
culprit.Yes! His first outrage was when he
found out that I had shared a piece of (his) personal past with my
mother. I had felt badly and at that time thought that I was wrong to
violate the trust he had given me. I was sure that he felt strongly about
me and this was just our problem that we needed to work through. In time,
everything would be all right....I just needed to regain his trust. Are
they all like that at first? A big wake-up call or rather the hook
today was a responder's words, "The dynamic you describe is not special
or unique. It is instead the worst kind of common."
My "relationship" of a few months would eerily read much
like all the others who posted. I went through the Cinderella phase. How
intoxicating!! ... and had just entered the second stage where I began to
see more and more of his outbursts of anger, inability to have rational
communication when I wanted to address things he did that hurt me,
unjustified justifications.....lies with cover-ups to make me second
guess myself and leave me feeling that I may be the one actually at fault
for questioning.....IGNORING the gut feelings, guilt, then eventually
burying all this as my baggage. Your column has given me a much needed
chance to sit back and catch my breath. Actually, as I'm sitting here
thinking of some of the absurd excuses and manipulations I believed, I'm
rather embarrassed. It's a subtle thing, isn't it? I think we so want to
believe so much in the initial fairy tale. We have such a primal need to
be loved, wanted and needed. But I can see now there's a toxic imbalance.
I'd like to make a suggestion to others which has given me
great clarity, closure right now. Listen to their stories of past
relationships. Now that I think about it, he actually sugar-coated
them....they were mostly not his fault....and the areas where he admitted
guilt were cleverly (perhaps even he wants to believe them??) veneered in
false humble admissions that were obviously produced to make him appear
more wonderful. The undisputed fact was they all ended stormily. His
last long term girlfriend ended their relationship because he had a hard
time returning phone calls...."she was too suspicious". He shared that
he was unfaithful in his marriage of 10 years (by the way, he had never
"shared that with anyone" ....boy do I feel stupid)....due to long
absences where his ex-wife would be away on business and he had started
drinking. In fact, now that I think of it, he blamed a great deal on his
alcoholism....but even though he hasn't touched a drink for six years, he
still exhibits traits that he said he had left behind.....such as a hard
time dealing with feelings...no empathy... hmmm. I'm so glad I found
your site! Time to move on. Thank God, no scars here, just a wiser
woman. Don't need this. Thanks so much to you all!!
Cindy
Dear Cindy, Good for you! You certainly don't need this. Good luck to you and thank you for writing. Dr. Irene How to get your story published here. |