In corresponding with
other persons who have experienced abusive relationships. I have found
that the abuse is generally first identified by abused partners only as
temper tantrums or fits of rage. For the fortunate ones who discover their problem, that is usually the initial
indicator that there is something wrong with their relationship. (Sometimes there are no
fits! Sometimes it is just criticism or withholding or control...)
I've looking over my years in an abusive relationship: no
knowledge of the abusive phenomenon and its roots and indicators - and
compared it to the last year: full knowledge of the issues. I have
discovered that my inability to effectively communicate with an
abusive partner is a bigger problem than the anger and rage. Of course I
recognize that being a male, the physical danger of her rage is less of a
threat. Taking that into account, I still recognize the total lack of
communication experienced in abusive relationships as the
larger issue. I find that to be the case even after reading the Patricia Evans
book,
viewing your site, and several other sources of information on the
subject.
Many persons have trouble recognizing the depth of the
communication problems in these relationships. I correspond regularly
with several persons in this predicament and still find them asking
questions such as "why would he say that" and "what do you
think he meant by that". My personal experience with attempting to
communicate with an abuser is simply: they speak a different language than their
partner. (Let's call it "MeMe.") That is an easy way to sum up the many different statements they
use to control, frighten, confuse, or intimidate their
partners. Normal mentally healthy persons in a relationship use
language to consciously convey their thoughts to their partner. Abusers
however use language to manipulate their partners into giving them what
they want. Sometimes consciously, sometimes not. In fact, I believe that
abusers learn to use manipulation so well, that it actually becomes a
language to them, and they eventually lose conscious control of their
responses.
Their language is actually a tool to
protect themselves from
emotional exposure. Even when their relationships appear to be even-keeled,
they are often setting themselves up for future verbal victories. I say
that since having studied this matter intricately, I can accurately
predict my partners response to given circumstances - which would have resulted in
emotional exposure nearly every time. This makes it very clear to me that
there has never been any communication nor can there ever be without
intense professional therapy. Yes.
And even then, its an "if." Abusers are so afraid to expose
themselves and so bent on control that they know know other way. They
can't speak our language. They have no idea how to speak a language that
would require considering the needs and wants of others.
I believe that
after food and shelter, the most basic human need is to be understood and accepted.
That's why I also believe that the lack of communication is by
far the most frustrating and destructive part of the abusive relationship.
You can't even solve minor issues involving children or finance without
being attacked or accused of attacking. That is what really wears the
partner down. Not their rage and anger, but your daily frustration and
loneliness . Yes!
One of the most frustrating and common habits of abusers is to constantly
"butt in" and cut off their partner while talking. This is
frequently the most aggravating habit many abusers have. They can't give
it up because it serves some very important purposes. It blocks any
possibility of communication, it allows them to say whatever they want,
and most importantly it gives them total control of the conversation.
Usually partners try reasoning with them about all sides being given a
fair chance to talk. What they don't realize is that abusers don't really
care what their partners are saying so it serves them no purpose
to listen. In fact, the abuser would prefer that the partner not talk and
simply accept their assertions as Gospel. When the partner learns this,
they can truly have an understanding of the hopelessness of fixing
an abusive relationship without professional counseling. Their is no possibility
of communication if one of the parties is determined not to
communicate.
Another very destructive habit which I have identified in my relationship
I refer to as "echoing". This abusive habit is extremely
destructive to a relationship, yet is a very effective tool which the abuser
uses to in conversation. This habit takes two distinct forms. The object
is to feel whatever the partner feels whenever an "attack" is
detected by the abuser. The scenario goes something like this:
______________________________________________
Partner: I don't like what you said to me this morning
Abuser: I don't like what you say to me either
______________________________________________
This is an easy way for the abuser to avoid addressing your concerns,
remain in control, change the subject, and launch a counter attack. You
may also notice that this avoids answering a question. Abusers DO NOT
ANSWER QUESTIONS!!! That is perceived by them as giving up control. They
generally answer a question with a question in attempt to through the
partner off balance and regain control. They will do this repeatedly until
you capitulate or until they provoke an argument. This also has the added
benefit of teaching the partner not to bring any complaints to the
attention of the abuser. The second form is to accuse the partner of
whatever the partner accuses them of. Scenario 2:
_______________________________________________
Partner: Please don't raise your voice at me
Abuser (Screaming): You're the one that's yelling
OR
Partner: Please stop cutting me off and let me finish my sentence
Abuser (angrily): You're the one who cuts me off all of the time
________________________________________________
When the conversation is discussed later, the abuser quickly takes the
opportunity to first accuse the partner of the infraction and seize the
high ground. The abuser will then take every opportunity in the future to
accuse the partner of doing what they do saying "see, you do it
too". This is generally viewed by the abuser as a way out. Anytime
they accuse you of an action similar to one of their destructive actions,
that is viewed by them as a license to do it at will and a
"win".
There are many other "tricks used by abusers to avoid communication,"
but these are two of the most common which I've encountered. I think
the key is to understand that the abuser's language is not the same as a
normal person. That their "language" does not convey their
thoughts and is in fact designed to do just the opposite. Once we understand
this we also learn that we can't, and shouldn't want to, speak
their language. However, if we have to deal with them, for whatever
reason, we can learn to interpret their words and phrases enough to
decipher the true meanings. Unfortunately, learning this
"language" also seems to more clearly show the hopelessness of
establishing a normal relationship with a person of this mentality.
Caution: While the Judge is a smart
man, he is not a trained mental health professional. This site & Dr.
Irene do not
endorse "advice" given by the Judge. -Dr. Irene 12/6/99
I'd just like to read
the posts.
See the Judge's
Little Story
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