| My
boyfriend has been verbally abusing me for the past 10 months now.
It started because he wanted sex, and I didn't. I still don't and
the verbal abuse has escalated from bad to worse. He's dumped me 7
times over sex, and one time he even left me for another girl, but came
back to me without having done anything with her. Why did you take him back? This morning, he started
cussing me out, and calling me all these names, and saying things like
"what's wrong with you?" and "you owe this to me," and
" I deserve this." It hasn't been just sex, it's been nearly all
the symptoms you described on your list. So he's an angry guy...and you are a codependent victim gal.
I've been very
depressed to the point where I write suicide notes just to make myself
feel better about how bad he would feel if I killed myself. Oh boy... It's not just the sex
issue, it's him bantering on my self-esteem (you mean, how you let
him banter your self-esteem), and how he feels less attractive to me, because I want
to lose weight to feel better about my appearance. If I don't
wear something he likes, he will give me the "silent treatment,"
and literally push me away when I try to hug him, or tell him I love
him. Yuk,
yuk, yuk!
I just don't see
how he's capable of physically abusing or raping me, but what I see on
this site......it looks like it could happen. Yes. I'm scared that if I get
out of this relationship that I will have thrown away something beautiful.
The only thing
beautiful about this relationship is your ability to love and give of
yourself. To
me, he's beautiful and lovely, and I love him with all of my heart. Yes. I think you deserve the
same kind of consideration in return.
He says stuff like,
"if you love me, you'll do this for me." He does not love you. It just hurts me to the
point where I have physical pain, and I sleep, and take pills to get away
from him. He
does not love you because he does not care. His needs are more important
than you are. What's worse, you don't care. You agree with him that his
needs are more important than you are. You don't love yourself! We took an interlude, for 2 two weeks, and then
we got back together, and he told me that he had actually changed, and
would treat me so much better. and he did, he actually did, but this
morning it exploded again, and worse than ever. Predictable. See the abuse cycle.
One time he did
elbow me, but it was an accident. Just like the sun comes up - accidentally - every
morning. He was
turned away from me, and when I tried to bend over to kiss him, he turned
over sharply, and BAM! I know it was an accident, he would never
physically hurt me. If you knew it was an accident, you would not have
mentioned it now. You are hoping it was an accident, but suspect
that maybe it was not. What frightens you is knowing you may need
to get out. Especially after reading this site - you really know you may
need to get out! But you don't want to get out, and you are looking
to invent non-existent fixes. Writing me wasn't a good way to do
that. What do I
do? Get into
counseling immediately and stay there until you realize that
you are too worthy to throw your life away. Especially at your age; you
sound so young. You are not married to him; you have no children together.
Your whole life is ahead of you! Ask yourself where you want to be in 5,
10, 40 years from now.
Am I at the point
where I need to get out before anything else happens? Yes. Is this it for us? For you. Can I help him in any
way? No. Not in
any way in the world. Get out. Help yourself. Please respond. the
Jaded One
Dear Jaded One,
You are probably
sorry you wrote me. But, too late; you asked.
Do yourself a
favor. Get some professional help now. Don't throw the precious
gift of life you were given away. You are precious and are a gift to
yourself. If you do nothing else in your life, recognize that. When you
begin to see this, you will not put up with that.
My very best
wishes, -Dr. Irene
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