Sent: Saturday, June 12, 1999 3:35 AM
Subject: What should I do?
Hi, my name is Jake and let me start off
by saying that I really appreciate your site. I just found
it today and it is honorable that you are taking the time to do this.
My problem is that I came from an abusive relationship in where I was
the abuser. We were together for 14 years. Our
relationship was characterized by my abuse of alcohol and drugs, and
of course my selfishness as a result. I have been sober now for
11 months through AA, and things are better. I'm learning how to
own up to all of the bad things that I have done, learn from them and
become the man I was always afraid to be. Intimacy has always
made me fearful. I know now that it is a result of my self
esteem and insecurities. Throughout those 14 years I was
verbally and physically abusive. I used to always excuse it
because of my drinking (that wasn't who I really was). I have
taken responsibility for my actions and am worried that my ex-wife
isn't. We still talk quite a bit, and we get along a lot better
now since the divorce. I have been very subtle when I have
brought up the idea of her working through her problems. I can
only work my program, not hers. At first I had to look at my
motives. Did I want her to get well so she would take me back?
Did I want to get well so she would take me back? At first yes.
As time has gone by I realize that I want to get well for myself, that
is the only way. When we have talked she has told me that she doesn't
want to work on her problems because she is afraid she will lose those
she loves. She still feels like there is a door open for us as
long as she doesn't work on things. I realize that if she does
work through the anger of all the years of abuse, I probably will lose
her. I am okay with that. I really want to see her get
well. I hope this letter isn't too hard to understand. I
want her to get help, but I know it isn't really my place to push her.
She made the comment that she likes the man I am becoming, which makes
me feel very good. But at the same time, I know that I still
have a long way to go. As much as I would like to see us back
together, she has to work through all of the anger and betrayal that
she received through me, for anything to ever work. Can you
help?
Jake
Dear Jake,
I really don't
know what to add. From your letter, you are doing exactly what you
have to do. Your wife appears somewhat fearful. That is fine. All I
can suggest is that you continue doing what you are doing. It is OK
to tell her what is on your mind. Tell her that you want her to work
it through despite your fear that you will lose her. That is the
best way to maximize the probability of your getting it back
together!
Good luck &
may God bless as you near your 1 year anniversary,
Dr. Irene
