August
21, 2000
A lot has been written about love addiction and yet it is still a
misunderstood disorder. For instance, many people believe that love
addicts only run hot -passionately pursue someone who is unavailable like
in the movie Fatal Attraction. However, many love addicts also run cold -
appear aloof - and yet they are still addicted. To elaborate, let's start
with some basic definitions. Love addiction is an unhealthy
attachment (conscious or unconscious) to either a person, relationship or
romance. Here are some examples:
(1) Obsessed love addicts
experience attachment by way of secret fantasies (unrequited love)
or what I call a hyper-involvement with another person - excessive
thoughts, phone calls, or requests to get together starting early in
the relationship. The underlying motivation for this attachment is
infatuation or love, but unfortunately it is a toxic form of love stemming
from neediness and low self-esteem.
(2) Relationship
addicts cling to the notion of connectedness with someone in
order to avoid loneliness or the feeling of being unlovable which they
associate with being single. Relationship addicts may hook up with someone
they don't even like, much less love, just to be in a relationship. Once
in a relationship, these love addicts hold on for dear life even if it
means suffering loneliness within the relationship. Sometimes relationship
addicts even accept abuse rather than let go.
(3) Romance addicts
are in love with romance, i.e. euphoria, intimate rendezvous,
passionate sex, erotic fantasies, etc. They do not obsess over one person
except for short intervals. To romance addicts the objects of their
affection are interchangeable. Anyone they are attracted to is who they
want to be with - the more partners the better. Romance addicts are high
on the chemistry of love, wherever they find it, and they move on as soon
as the romance wanes.
(4) Codependent love
addicts are people who have an overwhelming need to take care
of someone else no matter what the price. These love addicts are so
sensitive to the caretaking compulsion that they even try to protect their
partners from any negative feelings normal to the human experience -
feelings such as sadness, disappointment or anger. Codependents try to
protect their partners from such feelings by making extraordinary
sacrifices. For instance, codependent love addicts will give their
partner money earmarked for the rent in order to prevent them from
experiencing the disappointment of not getting what they want. Or they
will defer to their partners even when they disagree just so their mate
will not have to experience anger. Not that codependents aren't trying to
protect their own feelings as well. Most codependent behavior is geared
toward reducing the anxiety codependents feel when their partners are not
happy. (An unhappy partner might leave.)
(5) Narcissistic
love addicts are self-centered, controlling, possessive,
demanding and even have illusions of grandeur or the feeling that they are
perfect - without human flaws. On the outside these love addicts appear
distant and detached. They may even have affairs with other people. But
don't be fooled. Narcissistic love addicts are still addicted to their
partners. It is just that their obsession only manifests itself when the
person they are attached to cannot be controlled and/or considers ending
the relationship.
It is the narcissistic and codependent love addicts who
run hot and cold. Let me give you an example. Nancy and James met at a bar
and were instantly attracted to one another. Within days Nancy (the
codependent) had fallen madly in love with James (the narcissist).
From the beginning she was helpful, nurturing, attentive and went out of
her way to make him happy. James, on the other hand, appeared to be able
to take or leave the relationship. He canceled dates, neglected to return
phone calls, saw other women, became very domineering and for the most
part seemed aloof and detached. Still, six months later Nancy married
James because she was in love with him and secretly hoped that he would
change.
After Nancy and James were married the pattern of
neglect continued, especially his affairs with other women. When
Nancy objected James bullied her until she stopped nagging him about it.
This went on for years. Nancy tried to save her marriage by placating
James in every way she could think of, but he continued to do what he
wanted. Eventually Nancy stopped loving James and thought about leaving
him, but she just couldn't bring herself to face the loneliness of being
single again.
This was better than nothing she thought. So she
continued her codependent behavior - always trying to keep James happy and
comfortable even if it meant sacrificing her own happiness in the process.
Eventually Nancy sought counseling and within a year she felt strong
enough to leave James. He had other ideas. The first time Nancy brought up
the subject of divorce he laughed at her. Then he threatened her verbally.
The day she presented him with divorce papers he beat her so badly she had
to go to the hospital. It seems that despite his lack of love and respect
for Nancy, James was addicted to her and the relationship they shared. He
also felt that if he couldn't have her nobody else could.
When Nancy finally left, James stalked her for months
and threatened to kill her if she didn't come back. The roles were now
reversed. James was running hot and Nancy was running cold. In the
case of James and Nancy, James eventually let go and stopped harassing
Nancy. However, you only have to read the newspapers to realize that such
a lethal combination of codependency and narcissism can lead to homicide.
From the narcissist's point of view a codependent has no right to change
and start caring about his or her own well-being. And narcissists will go
to almost any length to keep from feeling their own sense of abandonment
when their partner has had enough. This is the one thing codependent love
addicts and narcissistic love addicts have in common. Separation anxiety
must be avoided at all cost. The pain of an unhappy relationship is better
than the feeling of emptiness which creeps in when there is no one to love
or be with.
Both hot and cold love addicts need to face their
addiction and the underlying personality disorders that go with it.
Recovery means facing the truth, implementing changes in behavior, seeking
counseling to deal with issues left over from childhood and in the case of
the codependent love addict making a concerted effort to raise
self-esteem. For further information about recovery I refer you to my
book: Addiction
to Love : Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships.
Your excellent book is already on
my Book Shelf of recommended reading. Thank
you Susan! Dr. Irene
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