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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

I've Had Enough Too!

I've Had Enough Too!

February 25, 2000

I was just reading the letter from Janet and I am inspired.  Finally, after getting insight from Patrica Evan's book and a moment of courage, I finally had the guts to stand up to my boyfriend after three years.  

He's the classic anger addict.  He accuses me of doing all of our problems, even doing everything to him.  The other night I had it.  

He snapped at me because I asked what did the person speaking on television say.  I said, "What the #@# are you snapping at me for?  I just asked a simple question."  Well, just like many times in the three years, he started verbally attacking, calling me a "bitch" and so forth.  I made the suggestion that he leave.  I started getting his things and he accused me of bring down this relationship.  I started slipping back saying, "Okay, I don't want you to leave," and then he said it:  I don't say what I mean, I bring this relationship backward instead of forward and If I ever want to see him again,............. 

I blacked out at that point.  I said "Fine, I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN."  I grabbed his things and threw them in my living room.  I went back into the bedroom, went in his face and told him how I did not appreciate the way he talked to me.  And then in a flash, he moved toward the living room.  I opened the front door of my apartment, took all of his things and threw them outside and locked the door behind him.

I lost my cool, but for the first time in three years I felt he did not control me.  Of course the guilt overcame me and I felt miserable.  I expressed that and I got sucked back to the same pattern...almost.  I finally had that final moment of clarity in which I wrote him a letter telling him I am not sorry for what happened, and I will not accept his abusive behavior.  

I didn't win the fight but I finally got to the door of my spirit.  I have a long way to go between therapy and healing but I think I finally made the first step.  I don't know where to go from here but I'm glad to have learned from Janet that I am not alone in the struggle.  Thanks, Allison

Dear Allison,

Well, you handled it like a bull in a china shop! By the way, that's normal when you are first taking your power. Assertion skills improve with practice. Try reading How To Be An Assertive, and Not Aggressive Woman. But, CONGRATULATIONS! You put an end to your control!

Watch out for the next guy you meet. You are likely to be attracted to the same type - but I'm sure you know that from your therapy.

Best wishes,  Dr. Irene

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