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You are on the right course.
By checking out Dr. Irene's site and reading
this, you are taking the necessary steps in coming to terms with the abuse
in your relationship. You are gathering information - searching the web
for anything you can access that will help clarify the sense that you
are or have been mistreated in your relationship. In so doing, you are
in a far better place than when you were simply wondering whether there
is anything seriously wrong with the way you've been treated, and
whether there's anything you can do about it.
I don't need to tell you that most of what
you will uncover searching the web for abuse topics will be couched in a
heterosexual context. But you should also know that this is changing. A
thorough search will reveal that many abuse sites now include
information that address gay and lesbian relationships specifically.
I am not an expert on abuse. Like you, I am
in the process of understanding the abuses I experienced in my
relationship. Many months have passed since I first began to suspect
that I had been critically mistreated by my partner, and as I am gaining
insight through the time spent in research at my computer, I can speak
with some authority on the journey you have also undertaken.
You've probably already figured out that the
underlying principles of abuse are not dependent on one's sex -- it's a
dynamic that knows no gender boundaries. The growing acceptance that
both men and women are vulnerable to abuse neutralizes the need to
assign "he" or "she," rendering all discussion on
the subject more accessible to everyone.
Follow your intuition. If you read something
that feels like it applies to your situation, it probably does.
For me, I did not set out to discover the nature of abuse, but to find
out why my relationship had been "dysfunctional." Eventually,
I connected with abuse topics -- and had my eyes opened considerably.
You know what you've been through, even if you can't articulate it yet.
Reading and researching will help you define and address what's going on
-- and there's tons of great information out there.
So the help you're looking for is readily
available online. It's a fantastic place to gain knowledge and some
comfort that you are not alone in this.
Now, even though the sites that discuss
abuse in a general way can provide much of what you need to know, there
are aspects to same-sex domestic abuse that are unique to homosexual
unions. I had not considered these until I narrowed my research to focus
on gay-specific topics. Only then did I learn that gays and lesbians
face challenges that do not come into play when examining the
heterosexual counterpoint of abuse.
Though awareness of same-sex abuse is
growing, the phenomenon remains largely invisible and unexplored. The
gay community itself contributes as much to this as society at large. To
the extent that gay relationships remain culturally unsanctioned, the
abusive aspects of these relationships are even more obscured. However,
even among the gay community there has been a marked unwillingness to
confront this issue, until recently. In part, this has been a
by-product of the important fight to gain acceptance, whereby an
exploration of abuse within a same-sex context has been viewed
as undesirable from a public relations perspective.
But there is another factor at work in our
community -- one that impacts the ability of gays and lesbians to
perceive abuse personally, even when their own partners manifest such
behaviors. And that is the tendency to think of gay relationships as the
vanguard of all that is contemporary and progressive. That inasmuch as
we have overcome cultural roadblocks in forming our relationships, then
clearly we will remain untouched by the dysfunctions that crop up among
more conventional (heterosexual) couples.
While this and other myths may make it
harder for a gay person to recognize abuse when it occurs, the reality
of homophobia exerts additional strain on a gay person's ability to
resolve the problem.
Particularly vulnerable are gays and
lesbians who have remained somewhat closeted -- whose risk of being ousted
increases when seeking help in addressing the abuse in their
relationships, and whose partners may use the threat of exposure as
an abusive strategy.
Moreover, gays and lesbians find in their
relationships confirmation and celebration or who they are -- a
joint proclamation of individual identity. As a result, the self-esteem
problems that any victim of abuse will suffer take on additional weight
in gay and lesbian relationships -- not only when the most satisfying
manifestation of their gayness dissolves in abuse, but also because of
internalized homophobia lurking under the surface, which serves to
undermine self-esteem with or without the additional stress of domestic
abuse.
Homophobia presents additional barriers when
a gay or lesbian individual turns to others for help. Sometimes, family
members cannot be relied on to support or even acknowledge a gay
relationship -- another example of how an abused partner can be
estranged from support systems commonly available to heterosexuals. This
further increases a feeling of insulation, and a propensity to rely on
and preserve a gay "family of choice" when one's
biological family turns away. The sense of dependency that keeps a
target of abuse within a destructive relationship thereby intensifies --
compounding the difficulties such an individual must surmount in
protecting himself or herself from abuse.
All of these issues, combined with a limited
amount of services specific to same-sex abuse, can make leaving an
abusive relationship more difficult for gays and lesbians. Perhaps this
is one reason why reports of gay domestic abuse are rising.
But another reason reports of same-sex abuse
are increasing is awareness. And because of this, a person seeking
information about this problem is better served than ever before.
Simply typing into a search engine the
phrases same-sex abuse, gay / lesbian domestic
violence, or variations thereof, will uncover information
and support specific to the homosexual community, connecting you to a
list of sites that is frequently changing and growing.
While you have arrived at Dr. Irene's site
addressing verbal (and emotional) abuse, elsewhere on the web, you will find
that this topic is incorporated within larger discussions of same-sex
domestic violence and abuse. In reviewing these, you will learn that the
dynamics of abuse, whether verbal, emotional or physical, amount to much
the same thing -- your partner's need to exert control over you. (Or,
trying to control your partner.)
The information above has been distilled
from the reading I've done to understand the emotional toll extracted
from me by my partner. With time, you'll gain deeper knowledge of what's
been happening to you, too. While Dr. Irene's words of wisdom remain
among the more accessible I've found on the topic of verbal abuse, the
more you investigate, the stronger you'll become.
Below is a sampling of sites I've found that
delve into same-sex abuse issues. This list is not exhaustive by any
means, nor does it represent the "best" sites -- these are
simply representative of information available on abuse as it occurs in
our relationships. Most of the sites listed provide additional links.
The STOP Partner Abuse / Domestic Violence
Program
www.gay-lesbian-center.org/lambda/domestic_index.php
Gay Partners Abuse Project
www.gaypartnerabuseproject.org
Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships
www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/same_sex_partner_abuse.php
Outing Same
Sex Partner Abuse: Where are the Services for
Gay and Bisexual Men?
www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/gay_men.php
The Power and
Control Wheel for Lesbians and Gays
www.metrobatteredwomen.org/lesbians.php
Life on Brian's Beat -- Gay-on-Gay
Violence
www.web.apc.org/~jharnick/violence.php
During your research, you may want to consider covering your
tracks by deleting references to abuse sites you've visited that
may be stored in your computer's "history." Do this by
viewing the History pull-down list of your web browser
(clicking the site name with the right mouse button allows me to
delete a site from the History list on my computer). Some sites
provide additional instructions.
I wish you strength and courage in assessing the impact of abuse
in your life. With awareness, you will discover how best to
address your individual circumstances. Though it may seem that
abuse could not possibly lead to anything positive, recovery from
abuse can bring about changes in your life you may not have
otherwise pursued. I know what I'm talking about -- and I invite
you to read my story.
My best to you,
-- Brian
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