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January 20, 2001 “It
is not necessary to understand things
in order to argue about them.” - Caron
de Beaumarchais
This
proverb encouraged me to write “Fighting Rules.”
Next
time you are upset with one another try using my “Fighting
Rules.”
Fighting Rules
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Use
“I” statements.
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No slapping,
punching, pushing, grabbing, etc.
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No swearing,
denunciation, obscenities, character assassination, contempt, sarcasm,
or taunting.
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Only two
people argue; all outsiders do not join in.
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One partner
talks two minutes and the other is quiet for two minutes and than
the other partner talks their two minutes (no interruptions).
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Stay on
the subject. (Not personalities i.e. "you’re just like your
mother.")
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Do not
talk about anything that happened before--only the present subject,
not the past.
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Do not
assume, guess, imagine, take for granted, theorize, surmise, speculate,
make gestures, judgments, funny glances or faces about what your
partner means. Find out!
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Say what
you feel. Don't assume the other knows what you feel,
want, need, or what you mean.
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No belittling
each other’s accomplishments.
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Both always
have equal rights.
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No interrupting,
switching, or changing the subject.
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No manipulating.
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Give each
other the ability to withdraw or change their mind.
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No criticizing
or humiliating.
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No putting
undo pressure on the other.
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No ranting
and raving.
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No intimidating
or bullying.
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Speak softly.
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No getting
angry (yelling or exploding).
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Don’t make
one feel guilty (no guilt trips).
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No martyrdom.
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No discussion
while either one of you is under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
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Be kind
and courteous.
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Use "I" Statements
Lori Gordon's dialogue guide = Passage to Intimacy
recommends using the following words:
I notice
I assume
I wonder
I suspect
I believe
I resent
I am puzzled
I am hurt
I regret
I am afraid
I am frustrated
I am happier
I want
I expect
I appreciate
I realize
I hope
I statements are not as offensive when you’re trying to be
understood.
I
have been criticized that no one will be able to remember all these
points. It’s possible that is true. Which of the above
do you think can be deleted? (The last one really covers them all
if you can’t remember all the others.)
“Anger
is never without a reason,
but
seldom with a good one.” - Benjamin
Franklin
Technique for “Problem Solving”
A
procedure that might help when a problem must be discussed is shown
in the following prototype:
Along with the other one hundred fifty department heads working
at Morristown Memorial Hospital in New Jersey, I received an order.
Mr. Clark, president of the hospital, was explaining some of the
recommendations of the Management Firm seminar that he had just
completed. One recommendation of the firm was that when a
department head had a problem and wanted to discuss it with the
president, the department head first had to research the problem,
find three solutions, and then meet with him. Mr. Clark continued
to explain that it was possible he would use one of the solutions
or none of them. He might come up with some of his own to
be combined with the department heads' ideas or he might take pieces
of more than one solution.
I
recommend that you and your partner try this method. This
technique makes both of you work as a team. The technique
will create a true alliance and partnership. Instead of one person
just dropping or dumping a problem on the other and walking away,
both of you are looking for a mutually acceptable solution to most
problems.
To
order an autographed copy of Men Don’t Listen:
Go
to:
http://www.mendontlisten.com
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