From: Katie
Sent: Sunday, August 29, 1999 9:48
AM
Subject: E-Mail Advice
My name is Katie Winters. This
question is about my former boyfriend. His name is Kyle Davies. Is he a
sex and love addict?
Kyle contacted me in Jan 98, telling
me his last emotional and physical involvement with a woman was 5 years
before, that he missed having a significant other in his life, and that
he was looking for a marriage partner. He understood I was only
looking for a marital relationship.
Dear Katie,
OK so far.
Our relationship was only by e-mail until Feb 99, but during that time I
caught him in April 98 telling someone he did not want marriage, and in
Oct 98 sending out introductions to women in Atlanta who were looking
for marriage or LTR partners. I almost called off the relationship
in April, but he said it was just talk on the Net, nothing else. I
called off the relationship in Oct, but he came back later and blamed it
on difficulties at work and turning to sexual talk on the Net to handle
the pressure. He apologized both times, saying he wouldn't do those
kinds of things again. I accepted his explanations.
Why? Why allow
this person's excuses over-rule your good sense? Didn't you trust
yourself enough?
We met in Feb 99. We were immediately attracted, but I almost
called things off because while at his apartment, a valentines
balloon bouquet was delivered from a woman. He told me it was a married
woman he e-mailed with. He admitted he'd not give up the cyberspace
flirtation as he'd promised months earlier, but he assured me that now
we'd met in person he would and could. We made up, agreed we loved
each other and it should not be lost over balloons. He said we
were a couple and it wasn't a matter of IF we marry, but WHEN. We
were sexually intimate, my first time since my divorce in 1981. He
asked we exchange rings as a promise we would be together again.
He asked to meet my father, and I took him to my parents. However,
as we were parting from that week visit, he said he had some residual
fears of marrying again and needed some time to get over them. I agreed
to wait till the summer.
Ugh. Katie:
acts speak louder than words. Always. Don't ever forget that...
In April 99, I caught him flirting on the Net again. I'd called
him at home to ask why I'd not had e-mail for almost a week - was he ill
or anything. He said he was working late and didn't have time to send
any e-mail for a few days. I found out a day later he'd shot off 19
emails to a woman he was flirting with during those same few days,
suggesting he'd come to visit her. I called things off again,
returned his ring, and asked for mine back. In the time since, he
has admitted to me has a problem with flirtation, he called it his
"bad habit."
We remained friends, but he knew
I was looking elsewhere. In early July 1999 I invited him to a
"last farewell" dinner, He told me he didn't want to
lose me, suggested we elope the next day, or that he give up his job and
come to where I am. I told him I didn't believe him. But,
just to give him the chance to prove sincere, the next morning I asked
that we check his e-mail inboxes and outboxes.
Why even bother? You
knew.
He refused. We stayed in
contact as friends, and I told him I would be back in the area in
mid-August. I suggested we cook a meal at his house, and I bake a
birthday cake for him, as a "last farewell part 2." Two
days after I left him, he e-mailed that he'd not given up the hope of
being my husband one day. I reminded him that until I could walk by his
computer without him getting a guilty look on his face, this wasn't an
option and I was looking elsewhere.
But, only a day after that, two weeks ago, I did a search on Yahoo for
his name. I believe it was my guardian angel whispering in my ear
because up popped a web page from a woman who said she loved him and
wished him happy birthday.
Oh boy...how much
bad behavior do you need? Are you the love addict?
Oh, I had seen this woman's
name on a stuffed animal and small book in his house, a book about love.
He had told me she was an old and loved girlfriend, who was now dead,
"resting peacefully". On her web page was a poem he had
also sent to me, and swore he had written for me, last year when we were
courting. I wrote to him, and asked what the two fibs meant: her
being dead, and the poem being for me. He wrote she had gotten
pregnant while he was in the Navy and they had parted EARLY in his tour
(he left in May 97). He had no explanation for telling me he wrote the
poem for me. I then questioned how he could have been abstinent
for 5 years, if he was involved with her before he left. At first
he said he'd made a mistake, it had been 4 years, not 5. But I
reminded him he left in May 1997, only six months before contacting
me.... not 4 years or 5 years.
I then contacted the woman and
found out she had in fact been his girlfriend for 4 months before he
left. They had exchanged wedding rings before he left, as a
promise to be faithful to each other until his return. They
continued to write, he continued to tell her he loved her, and they met
again in June 1998 when he was back in the states, and had sex.
She had become pregnant 4 months before, and told him after he returned.
He called off their relationship, not mentioning that he had been
talking to me about marriage for the six months before.
They stayed in contact, he tried
to give her support during her pregnancy and they met again in Jan 99.
At that time, he held her daughter and fed her, he met her parents, he
told her he loved her, he had forgiven what happened, and they would be
a "3". They had sex again. He neglected to tell
her he had a date to meet me the next month to see about marrying me.
He last contacted her on 1 Feb by phone, saying again that he loved her
and would be in contact once he was settled (which he actually was
already). She never heard from him again, she had no phone number
or e-mail address for him. When she got my e-mail and learned what
he was doing with me, it finally answered her question about his
disappearance.
I don't begrudge him any lifestyle he chooses, that is his right. He can
do what he likes with whomever he likes and that is his business. BUT
when we met in February 99, I believed he'd been sexually abstinent for
5 years. He didn't tell me he had unprotected sex with another woman
only the month before. I agreed to sex with him, only after his
commitment that we were a couple and getting married, and because I
believed he'd been abstinent. If he had told me he had unprotected sex
the month before, I would never have agreed to it. I would have
called off the relationship then.
He took away MY right to choose how I lived my life, by keeping secret
his relationship with this other woman, and his sexual activity.
Yes and no. You knew
he was full of lies. You chose to over ride your instincts because
you liked his words. Take responsibility. You had absolutely no reason
to believe him.
The last time we had sex was only
two weeks ago, and it was unprotected. I have asked him if he had
unprotected sex with anyone else since February, when we became
physically involved. He has refused to answer my question. He
believes he is "clean" but has agreed to give me a copy of his
next HIV test as proof.
I suggest you wait 6 months and get your own.
I have given only facts. I came to love this man very VERY much,
as if he were my husband. I accepted him as human and with faults,
but I made it clear that fidelity in all ways was a requirement for
marriage to me.
Fidelity that goes
one way? I don't think you know what love is. This is about sexual
attraction and games, not love.
Kyle took away my right to NOT have
a relationship with him if he was involved with someone else, by not
telling me about her, and my right to protect my own health.
You keep saying
that, but you are not taking responsibility for your own actions. You
had plenty of "red flags." What more did you need?
I love all the wonderful things he is as a man (What
wonderful things? The lies?), and I will never forget his support
to me this summer when my mom became ill with cancer and then passed
away. He had an ulterior motive; he liked it when
you were down and needy. I told him many times he would
have no problem having all the relationships he wanted, and ALSO being
honest. There are many women looking only for recreation on the
Net, or for fantasy relationships. There is no need to lie.
But I was a real person wanting a real relationship and a real marriage.
And he had no right to lie to keep me in his life, to engage me in
relationships and activities I would otherwise not have done. He
has told me he is sorry. But, I have asked him to change his
behavior so that any women he is involved with now, and any women he
might be involved with, will not have this experience. His only
reply "F*** you."
I think dear
codependent, love-addicted Katie, that it is time for you to stop
worrying about him and what he does...and start worrying about yourself.
You have been operating on wishful thinking and denial. You have not
been living in reality. The reality is that this guy likes to play games
and can be faithful to no one. Your fantasy was that your love
would somehow fix him and he would be eternally grateful. Take a look
inside. How can you possibly compromise yourself this way? You are very
obviously a sharp, sensitive woman who allowed yourself to be used by a
cad. Time to start learning to love yourself and take care of yourself.
You deserve much more than wishful thinking and a bunch of
empty promises! But only you can give that gift to yourself.
Sorry, but you
needed to hear that.
Dr. Irene
From: Katie
To: <drirene@drirene.com>
Sent: Sunday, August 29, 1999 11:48 PM
Subject: Re: E-Mail Advice
Thanks for your advice. Since I only learned two weeks ago that the man
I was in love with didn't even exist, I can assure you I had no
addiction problem to deal with. I even found a THIRD woman he was
involved with last summer
as well. Same story: he told her he was sexually abstinent, he talked
with her about marriage, told her he loved her, then simply disappeared
in December 1998 when he moved back to the States.
I have a very clear view of the kind of man this is now, thanks to the
web page posted by one of his victims. I am writing a book about
the experience, using his e-mail, and hope it will help others to see
the problem. I had no idea he was a love addict until two weeks ago. I
did believe he had a cybersex flirtation problem, but many people go
through a phase where they become excited by it, until they get jaded to
it, and let it go. I certainly do not believe I can fix a love
addict, and I wouldn't even try. But I would encourage him to seek professional
help.
Thanks, but YOU needed to hear this..:)))
I'll quote you in my book? -Katie
August 30, 1999
Katie,
Sure. But how do you explain your not having heeded all
the warning signs Katie was trying to get Katie to hear? See, Katie was
right on target all along, but Katie chose not to pay attention to herself.
No doubt Romeo has a problem, but I'm more concerned
with you, since you're the only one you have any power over. Think about
it. It can only help you. How else can you avoid the next Kyle - before
he hurts you?
My very best, Dr. Irene
Dr Irene,
it's exactly because I AM the only one I have control over, that only 8
weeks after meeting in person, I called things off when I found him in
doing the flirtation thing. It's very hard these days because it's
so easy to do this stuff on the net and never be "seen".
I was fortunate the woman he was flirting with knew of me, got angry at
him, and dumped copies of his e-mail on me. We've not been "a
couple" since, and any time he's said anything about getting back
together, my reply has been "when I can walk by your computer
without you getting a guilty look on your face, we'll talk."
His standard approach was, "But I love you." My answer was,
"Love isn't enough. You have to act love, not just talk love."
No doormat here...:))))
Thanks again, and I'm fine. Glad I learned about this stuff now,
regretting it hadn't been sooner. The secrecy afforded by the Net
makes for easy problem hiding.
-Katie
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