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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Tips to Give Up Angry Control

  Checklist: Tips to Help the Control Freak Give Up Control

A list of stuff to check yourself on...

by Dr. Irene


Give Up Your Angry Behavior

bulletIf you are the least bit annoyed, do nothing. Exercise is the best way to get rid of "anger chemicals," or just walk away and wait till you chill.
bulletBefore you open your mouth, stop and think about how and what you will say.
bulletSay what you mean, and mean what you say. Calmly.
bulletNever, ever raise your voice.
bulletIf your partner thinks your voice is too loud, it is too loud. It doesn't matter if you don't agree.
bulletIf you are too emotional to control yourself, see an MD for a medication evaluation.  Inability to control emotions is often a real physical disorder that can be helped!
bulletGive up drinking. Alcohol use is associated with anger and violence.
bulletNever, ever hit, punch, tap or push your partner or any object.
bulletNever, ever walk away from, walk ahead of, roll your eyes, yawn, breath hard, sigh, frown, or make any other unnecessary behavioral expressions of anger towards your partner. 
bulletMake eye contact when addressing your partner or replying to them.
bulletActs of omission are no less angry than acts of commission.
bulletYour criticism is not "constructive."
bulletDo not make threats.
bulletEverything you think, do, like, dislike, wear, eat, etc., is your responsibility. Own it.
bulletNobody makes you angry. You do that to yourself. That is why only you can stop it.
bulletRemember all these things when you are angry.


Control Yourself, Not Your Partner

bulletIt is OK to disagree with your partner.
bulletRespect your partner's position when you disagree. Especially if you disagree.
bulletWhen your partner asks a question, answer the question.
bulletIf you hurt your partner, apologize. (Apologize because something you did hurt their feelings, not because you did something "wrong.")
bulletYou tell someone about your own feelings; ask about theirs.
bulletYou decide things only for yourself. For others you may suggest...once or twice. Only.
bulletWhen your partner tells you something you don't like, don't tell them why they are wrong or don't feel the way they say they do
bulletListen to what they have said.
bulletAsk questions to clarify your understanding of their position, but do not add your input no matter how much you want to, or "know" it is the right thing.
bulletDon't assume you know what's on your partner's mind. Ask. Then listen.
bulletAccept whatever answer you get; you have no other (sane) choice.
bulletIf your partner asks for something, give it if you reasonably can.
bulletHear your partner's requests. You are not the judge of whether the request was "important."
bulletDo not impose anything unwanted on your partner, even "good" things.
bulletDo not "count" deeds or things your partner did not ask for and then expect things in return. 
bulletYour partner's feelings are the most important thing in the world!
bulletYou can only tell someone about your own feelings; ask about theirs.
bulletIf your partner does not think a "joke" is funny, it is not.
bulletIf one of you wants to do something (together), and the other doesn't, the two of you don't do it.
bulletDon't expect people to read your mind. They can't. Ask for what you want
bulletAccept what you get or don't get.
bulletPay attention to your thoughts and feelings.
bulletDon't do anything with these feelings (including judge, shame yourself, kick yourself, pretend you don't have them, etc.). Just notice them.
bulletArticulate the thoughts, especially if something bothers you; write it down on paper so you can see it in black and white. Do this for you.
bulletIf something hurts, let it hurt. Feel the pain, but don't dwell on it.
bulletThere is nothing to prove to anybody.
bulletOther people can and will think what they want. Accept that.
bulletIt is not your responsibility to take care of another adult; that belongs to them.
bulletDo not accuse your partner of being "selfish." It is their job to be self-caring.
bulletYour partner is not "too sensitive." There is no such thing. Sensitivity is a trait you need to cultivate.
bulletIf you remember only one thing: the keyword is respect. Respect your partner. Respect yourself.


 Huh? Your advice confuses me... "Does this mean he's justified in being selfish?"