Tips to Give Up Angry Control

Checklist: Tips to Help the Control Freak Give Up Control

A list of stuff to check yourself on...

by Dr. Irene

Give Up Your Angry Behavior

	If you are the least bit annoyed, do nothing. Exercise is the best way to get rid of "anger chemicals," or just walk away and wait till you chill.
	Before you open your mouth, stop and think about how and what you will say.
	Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Calmly.
	Never, ever raise your voice.
	If your partner thinks your voice is too loud, it is too loud. It doesn't matter if you don't agree.
	If you are too emotional to control yourself, see an MD for a medication evaluation. Inability to control emotions is often a real physical disorder that can be helped!
	Give up drinking. Alcohol use is associated with anger and violence.
	Never, ever hit, punch, tap or push your partner or any object.
	Never, ever walk away from, walk ahead of, roll your eyes, yawn, breath hard, sigh, frown, or make any other unnecessary behavioral expressions of anger towards your partner.
	Make eye contact when addressing your partner or replying to them.
	Acts of omission are no less angry than acts of commission.
	Your criticism is not "constructive."
	Do not make threats.
	Everything you think, do, like, dislike, wear, eat, etc., is your responsibility. Own it.
	Nobody makes you angry. You do that to yourself. That is why only you can stop it.
	Remember all these things when you are angry.

Control Yourself, Not Your Partner

	It is OK to disagree with your partner.
	Respect your partner's position when you disagree. Especially if you disagree.
	When your partner asks a question, answer the question.
	If you hurt your partner, apologize. (Apologize because something you did hurt their feelings, not because you did something "wrong.")
	You tell someone about your own feelings; ask about theirs.
	You decide things only for yourself. For others you may suggest...once or twice. Only.
	When your partner tells you something you don't like, don't tell them why they are wrong or don't feel the way they say they do.
	Listen to what they have said.
	Ask questions to clarify your understanding of their position, but do not add your input no matter how much you want to, or "know" it is the right thing.
	Don't assume you know what's on your partner's mind. Ask. Then listen.
	Accept whatever answer you get; you have no other (sane) choice.
	If your partner asks for something, give it if you reasonably can.
	Hear your partner's requests. You are not the judge of whether the request was "important."
	Do not impose anything unwanted on your partner, even "good" things.
	Do not "count" deeds or things your partner did not ask for and then expect things in return.
	Your partner's feelings are the most important thing in the world!
	You can only tell someone about your own feelings; ask about theirs.
	If your partner does not think a "joke" is funny, it is not.
	If one of you wants to do something (together), and the other doesn't, the two of you don't do it.
	Don't expect people to read your mind. They can't. Ask for what you want
	Accept what you get or don't get.
	Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings.
	Don't do anything with these feelings (including judge, shame yourself, kick yourself, pretend you don't have them, etc.). Just notice them.
	Articulate the thoughts, especially if something bothers you; write it down on paper so you can see it in black and white. Do this for you.
	If something hurts, let it hurt. Feel the pain, but don't dwell on it.
	There is nothing to prove to anybody.
	Other people can and will think what they want. Accept that.
	It is not your responsibility to take care of another adult; that belongs to them.
	Do not accuse your partner of being "selfish." It is their job to be self-caring.
	Your partner is not "too sensitive." There is no such thing. Sensitivity is a trait you need to cultivate.
	If you remember only one thing: the keyword is respect. Respect your partner. Respect yourself.

Huh? Your advice confuses me... "Does this mean he's justified in being selfish?"