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Divorce: Protecting The Children
by Debra R. Marsilia, November 1999
Children are our most precious gifts. As parents, the most challenging
responsibility we have is protecting our children. We must realize the
importance of protecting them, not only from the outside world, but
sometimes from someone within our own homes. Many people suffer from verbal and
emotional abuse from spouses and do not realize that the children, whether
the abuse is directed at them or if they are only witnessing the abuse,
are also affected. “Emotional
abuse is a pattern of behavior that attacks a child’s emotional
development and self-worth.”(1) It can include excessive or unreasonable
demands on the child, constant criticism, insulting and teasing. This form of abuse can be just as
painful as, if not more so, than physical abuse because the effects remain
long after any physical injuries have healed. Children deserve the
stability, warmth and safety of a loving home. Divorce can be a way to protect
children and provide them with a home in which they know they are safe
from abuse.
Many religions view marriage as a holy
commitment, not only to another person, but also to God. The Catholic Church, for example,
believes that once you enter into the “holy state of matrimony”,
marriage being one of the seven sacraments, you can not terminate the
marriage. However, the
Catholic Church also believes that “Parents have the first
responsibility for the education of their children. They bear witness to this
responsibility first by creating a home where tenderness,
forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the
rule.”(2) The church places, with the parent, the responsibility of
raising a child in a tender, caring, forgiving, and respectful household. If a person is in an abusive
situation, the well-being of the child is at risk of being sacrificed.
There are many that portray the idea of
“staying together for the sake of the children” as valid. According to Ashton Applewhite in her 1997 article, DOES
DIVORCE DEVASTATE CHILDREN?, two professors, Sara McLanahan and Gary
Sandefur compiled a study and arrived at the conclusion that “The worst
thing for kids is to be around a constant state of warfare.”(3) Children absorb what goes on
around them. If they are
being abused or are witnessing their parents yelling at and tearing down
each other, they can become confused, hurt and angry and it is likely to
affect their attitude towards both parents and others. They may begin to act out this
anger and confusion on their parents, teachers and even their friends.
A child that suffers from verbal and
emotional abuse can begin to “act out” their pain and anger in many
ways. There are observable
and behavioral indicators that can be present when a child is in an
abusive situation. Observable
indicators can include, but are not limited to; inappropriate
aggressiveness, destructive attitude towards others, sleep or speech
disorders and demonstration of compulsions, obsessions, phobias, and
hysterical outbursts. Behavioral
indicators can include; negative statements about themselves, overt
shyness, slow physical, mental and emotional development, self destructive
behavior, increased aggressiveness and cruelty to others. These indicators should be seen as
warning signs to caring, loving parents.
A child cannot develop socially and emotionally with the tremendous
amount of stress brought on by verbal and emotional abuse. If an abusive situation exists, and children are beginning to
exhibit these traits, it is the parent’s responsibility to do something
to change the surrounding conditions under which the child lives. If one parent can not see the pain
they are inflicting on their child, sometimes the only viable solution is
to remove the source of the pain through divorce.
There are many reasons to remain married,
children being one of the most important, and there are many reasons to
seek a divorce, again, children being one of the most important.
Children's lives, regardless of age, are affected by witnessing what goes
on around them. Parents who
remain in marriages that are, in effect, detrimental to themselves,
sometimes don’t understand that it is even more damaging to the
children. “If a child is abused or is witness to abuse, the child
suffers.” (4) A child will
grow up believing that this type of behavior is acceptable and will, in
turn, cause him to not only react in the same way as his parents, but to
also seek that same type of relationship that will provide him with more
pain and unhappiness. A parent that remains in an abusive marriage not
only runs the risk of having a tremendous amount of problems with their
young children, they are also potentially condemning their children to
adult lives full of anger, hurt, and mistrust.
According
to “Dr. Irene’s Verbal Abuse Site” on the Internet, “Abused children
manifest a myriad of disorders in adulthood: post-traumatic stress
disorder, panic and anxiety disorders, mood disorders, substance abuse
problems.”(5) If a parent
realizes the importance of removing a child from an abusive household and
providing a warm, stable home for the child, he may have a better chance
at preventing many of the problems that could occur. However, many people
hold onto the idea that it is important to
know that children can be better off in a nonabusive single-parent home
than in one in which abuse takes place.”(6) If parents choose to leave an
abusive marriage and remove their children from a hostile environment,
this could provide the children with the security and stability they need. Barbara Cyr, believes that “The children feel
more secure because they are living in a stable environment.”(7) This comfort and stability could help the child develop a
better mental and emotional outlook on life and possibly prevent many
future problems.
“Staying
can hurt the child. It is
totally invalid to think that staying in a marriage ‘for the sake of the
children’ has any merit whatsoever.
It is extremely detrimental. Whether
the abuse shifts to the child or the child just unconsciously absorbs the
mechanics of an abusive relationship, it is agonizingly painful in the
long run.”(8) As parents,
our responsibility lies in what we teach our children. We need to provide them with a
stable environment, free from the stress and anxiety of the abusing
parent, in which they can grow emotionally and physically. The children should be taught, by
watching their parents, how to love and respect others, as well as
themselves. We need to show
them, by example, what a loving, caring relationship with another person
is supposed to be. If a
parent remains in an abusive relationship, the parent is validating that
type of behavior for their children.
It is the parent’s duty to end the relationship and show the
child that an individual must be strong enough to admit their mistakes and
move on with their lives. We
must show our children how much we value ourselves and how much we love
them by providing them with a warm, loving, nurturing environment in which
to live. This will, in turn,
teach them to value themselves, make them stronger, as children and
adults, and help them make better choices in their adult lives.
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