| June
27, 2000
Dr. Irene,
Let me begin by saying that your site has been of great help. I am a
verbal abuser, and am struggling to end this behavior. I have found next
to no help on the internet for abusers besides your site, and while I
don't agree with ALL your advice, I have found the majority of it
extremely valuable and helpful. What do ya mean you
don't agree with ALL my advice! I know everything! (And, of course,
even that which we do not agree with can be valuable - sometimes more than
that which we agree with!) And, sometimes my advice
may not be suited for you.
I have three short questions that I hope you will answer as I feel they
may be of use, not only to myself, but other abusers. And victims and mixed types too!
First, below is a quote from your site. It seems to state - without
exception - that an abuser can not stop, at least within a relationship
where abuse has already taken place. No.
However, in other areas of the site you state that an abuser who truly
wants to stop (who would rather jump off the roof than continue, I think
you said) can end the abusive behavior. Yes.
Can you clarify this? Yes.
"If you go back with your abusive partner, it is only a matter of
time before the relationship goes right back to where it was, or becomes
worse. Know that you will wake up one day and find yourself in the same
hole you are in today, but deeper." This
was written to a victim trying
to find the strength to stay out of his or her abusive relationship. The
above is what will almost certainly happen when a victim listens to
promises, but nothing has really changed, e.g., the abuser is not in
treatment and/or the victim has not learned new skills. I will make a note
to go back and edit that page to clarify. Good point.
Secondly, are there any books (or other sites) out there that are
specifically written to help the verbal abuser change his or her behavior?
I have looked at your list, but they seem to focus mainly, in many cases
entirely, on the victim. I don't agree with you. Go
back to the Bookshelf. Look at the books on
codependency and boundaries, spirituality and personal growth, anger
management, assertion skills, and about the abuser. All these books
deal with abuse issues whether or not "abuse" is what they
target. In several of my Abuser Pages
articles, I recommend a number of specific books, and I think I clarify
the link to the abuser's recovery, even if the book was not written for
abusers. Also, reading a victim book or two is an excellent idea, especially
The The Verbally Abusive Relationship , to see
what it looks like from the other side. After all, knowledge is
power.
As for sites, you probably know
more than I do. Look at the Links 1 and Links 2 pages. My readers have sent many of these
urls, and I encourage readers to email any sites they find useful.
And third, what sort of questions can I ask of a therapist to see if
he/she has a good grasp of verbal abuse and will be an effective aid to
the abuser? (I do realize that choosing a therapist encompasses many
variables, but are there any areas of knowledge or type of philosophy that
I should look for that are more favorable to his or her effectiveness in
treating this specific type of problem?) Ask if they
know who Donald Dutton and Patricia Evans are. Ask if they teach anger
management, and if they go beyond it. Also, my opinion - and this is
opinion, not fact - a therapist with a cognitive-behavioral orientation is
likely to yield results more quickly because they actively teach you the
cognitive, verbal, and emotional skills you need to learn.
I hope you can answer these for me. Thank you again for the website.
Aron Thank you for writing Aron. Dr. Irene
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