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4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Chilling Common-Law Husband

Chilling Common-Law Husband

August 20, 2000

I had already written you perhaps 3 wks. ago, I am not even certain.  I quickly deleted the email out of paranoia. This site has helped me tremendously yet am still somewhat confused.  You don't sound confused to me; you do have a difficult situation you have to negotiate. My common-law husband as of July 11th. has verbally, mentally, emotionally abused me beyond belief.  He said that he wants to separate and then spoke this chilling bit, him telling me: "You live in a little room inside your head with a cold cement floor, it is covered in #%* and #$* (excrement) and you refuse to come out as it is easier to stay in", "You need to go away for years and years of therapy and leave me with the children". Ugh. This is horrible! and cruel.   

He has accused me of everything and when I would think that he would run out of ammunition, he'd come up with new.  Everything from being a terrible mother to the main issue, not dominating enough in bed, not performing oral sex etc. Yuk. He of course is having an affair (after hours of abuse finally admitted to such, EVEN THOUGH she has nothing to do with our breakup).  He, in the last two weeks, agreed to let the children and myself stay in the house and he would rent an apartment.  Such relief that was UNTIL Thursday when he 'proposed' an entirely different plan:  HE is staying in the house (legally has every right as it is his name on deed), I must move to the apartment he has rented and, now, today, the children will be staying with me.  I am not an attorney, but I don't see how he can throw you and your children out! Stay put until you get legal advice! 

He said if I wasn't so greedy in my financial demands he wouldn't have reneged. Right; your fault again. The worse part of all of this is the emotional trauma put on the children, here they thought they were going to stay here and now the plan has changed again.  He is solely focused on himself, has been staying out all night, suddenly expressed interest in our middle son after 2 wks. of not speaking to him, took him out to lunch and to the movies tonight.  Yuk. He is off on a date with this other woman who by the way has been married 19 yrs.  Her husband called me today, as did her poor father!!!  

He is trying to control me, I refuse to move to the apartment he has rented, he cannot understand why not as he has paid first and last months' rent. I am just terrified that he will try to seek full custody as he is financially able.  I have been a stay at home Mom and have raised 4 wonderful children.  He controls them as well; he is a master, a professional.  My therapist recommended a book entitled 'Stop Walking on Eggshells: Coping When Someone You Care About Has BPD.' Excellent choice.  She seems to think he may be suffering from borderline personality disorder.  Is there a difference between bpd and sociopath?  Not as far as you are concerned... 

He is off to Paris on business tomorrow and I am so looking forward to 5 days peace.  She, according to her poor Dad, is going as well.  My partner has said that I am 100 percent to blame for the breakup of this family, although now its only 80 percent.  Every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie.  He is truly evil.  No one can believe this is happening as he is not the 'old' Gregory. I must go to a lawyer on Monday.  It is so hard to know what to do first.  He had agreed to doing this through a paralegal to cut costs, now I am forced to seek legal help and he has said he is not paying for it.  He has covered all the bases so to speak, talking vilely of my dead Mother, my siblings, myself and even my children.  I cannot wait to get away, although with children, there is always a connection so to speak. 

He has also taken to sunbathing in the nude in front of our 7 yr. old. He is repulsive.  This new woman is terribly naive, I know her and have always liked her although I don't much anymore.  Her children will have nothing to do with her, she has given up friends, family etc. all for Gregory.  It is so sad when there are so many victims in this. He also added that if I do not leave in two weeks he will have the police throw me out.  Let them. I'm sure they will be kinder than he would... He ended his verbal assault with "I AM IN CONTROL NOW, GOT IT, I AM IN CONTROL".........Forty yrs. old, what will fifty bring him? Thank you for this site Dr. I would like a response if at all possible. So many success stories, I hope to  be as lucky. Yes; I think you will be OK.  Sincerely, Georgia  

Dear Georgia,

I'm publishing your letter more to support you in your difficult situation right now rather than because I have advice for you. You are on track: you got his number, you know this is about him and not you, you've got a supportive therapist, and just want to protect yourself and your kids. I'm sure the people on the site will be incredibly supportive. I also suggest you join The CatBox. Hang in there, don't budge, get legal advice... As a common-law wife with his children, you must have rights!  Keep us posted.   My very best wishes, Dr. Irene

I want to read the posts.