Sent: Thursday, November 04,
1999
Subject: Thank you
for caring for us!!!!!!!
Dear Dr. Irene:
The following has been copied from my posting to your message board:
Hello everyone:
After 11 months and 3 weeks of an infernal marriage, it has been a great
relief to find this site. What I have found here has not changed my
circumstances. It has changed the way I look at my problems.
One thing is for sure (to me, at least!). Being in an abusive
relationship causes me to be confused, to rise doubts in my mind as to my
own values, to doubt my own sanity. One counselor told me that it is
'crazy making behavior'. I think she was right! 100% right!
I am not the only one in the world suffering a miserable life that could
otherwise be so happy!!! What remains to be found, is a solution that can
save the marriage. But to save a marriage, both partners have to
work together. The abuser, like the alcoholic, cannot admit to
his/her faults. The abuser thinks it is all the other person's
fault. Yes.
My wife, in some of her rare lucid moments, has told me that she behaves
that way because she is a SURVIVOR. Yes, she had a highly disturbed
childhood. She lived with relatives most of the time, because her parents
did not get along. Her mother, the family tells me, is a
schitzo. Her sister is reported to be one too. I am not
sure that is the correct diagnosis. People who can get along with
most others fall in a different category. But my wife's survival instincts
are being used in the wrong way. She does not have to protect
herself from me, because I love her, and I will protect her. I am
not against her, she is otherwise a very wonderful human being. Yes. That's what makes this problem so sad.
It is learned behavior, and a distorted view of the situation in the
marriage, I think. Me too. Learned behavior and
biology. It is insecurity feelings coming out. Yes! Big time insecurity. I think the abuser does
not consider him/herself worthy of the marriage, and wants to
self-destroy. After all, why should this work, when nothing else in her
life did? Astute, insightful observation. Want to
help me answer email?
I am old enough (60) to have learned a few things in life. One is
that emotions can accumulate if not give a proper outlet. In this type of
relationship, feelings pile up until they cannot be contained. How
can the abused express feelings, if he/she is constantly interrupted?
To me, that is what causes fights. When two people can talk about
their problems, there is no fight. When one cannot, eventually
he/she tries to be heard at any cost, and raises the voice. Then the
other part does, and it can become violence. Interesting
viewpoint. I can agree.
This site has given me the opportunity to express my feelings. I do
not think I am totally right about everything I say or feel, but at
least is a way for me to let out what has accumulated inside of me. Good! Did you join the abused guys email support list, Men-D?
My emotional life is at an all time low, because my hope that this
marriage will work is almost gone. I can only salvage one half of
it, and that is ME. Thank you, Dr. Irene, for caring so much!
Your kindness and advice have saved many from a trip to the mental ward.
May our Creator bless you! Thanks again, Victor
Dear Victor,
Thank you for caring
for me... (blush)...and for taking the time to write.
Warmest
regards and may God Bless you and yours, Dr. Irene
Sent: Thursday, November 11,
1999 4:41 PM
Subject: Thanks
Dr. Irene,
I just wanted to let you know your site helped me very much in that it
educated me about my own verbal abuse issues. It also started me
on the path toward learning more about this issue and how it has
affected me and those closest to me.
By way of background, I had been seriously verbally abusing my wife for
more than a year and she had had enough. We came to the brink of
separation only sixty days ago. We now seem to be stabilized and
back on track. Both of us are in therapy and also in joint
counseling, which I think has helped.
I made some radical environmental changes for me which have helped. Education
and recognition of the problem were very important to helping me adjust
my mental framework as well. That is where your site was very
helpful. I believe I read almost 80% of the content of the site
and purchased 7 books from Amazon based on your recommendations.
Keep up the good work.
I came from a family of four sons and my parents loved us but have their
own intimacy issues. The topics covered in your site are not ones
I was exposed to at all growing up. My father, who is generally a
loving person, was mildly abusive to my mother, who is my dominant
female role model. I just took it to the next level, which was
wrong. At some point, I will tell my father I feel uncomfortable
with how he talks about or to my mother on occasion.
I truly believe that most sons/young men are not taught proper coping
skills and anger management skills in our society. Just the
awareness that "anger" and "getting mad" are really
nonspecific terms. Men need to understand other feelings such as
frustration, hurt, fear, are all real emotions that do not need to lead
to "anger responses" such as yelling, stomping around or
getting physical/fighting. Unfortunately, all we are exposed to is
very physical responses to not getting ones way and this exposure can be
harmful to ones
personal growth.
Things are much better between me and my wife as we now have clearer
boundaries. I have three children and a loving wife and I know I
can do more to be the best father and husband I can be. I have a
new expression: "Have I done ALL that I can to do to get this
right". When I answer myself, I always find comfort in the
challenge of self-improvement.
Thanks again. I'll be back for a visit on occasion. Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Thank you
for the wonderful feedback. I am glad my site was able to assist you
in your recovery.
My very best
wishes to you and your family. -Dr. Irene
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