Hello my name is
Barnaby. I am a 30-year old male. My wife left me 2 weeks ago and took
our 3 kids. They are in a shelter. She left me because of my abusive
behavior.
I need help to
control my temper. I need to learn how to talk to my wife. You see, she
has been diagnosed with depression and is on medication. The depression
is probably my fault too. It seems like everything is my fault, but she
has done some very hurtful things to me too. But, she can blame her bad
behavior on her depression. I have no excuse for my behavior, at least
that is what I'm told. I have accepted the fact that I should not have
done the things I did: I broke a door, I called her names, and the
physical abuse. I won't minimize the physical abuse by telling you where
and how I hit her, the fact remains I hit her. It was wrong. I am now in
counseling and trying to understand why I feel the way I do.
I guess the
question I want to ask you is: can an abusive man be helped? I'm not a
bad person. I love my wife and kids with all my heart. I'm doing
everything I can to get better, but I keep being blamed for everything
and being told I have no excuse. I know I have no excuse, but does she
have an excuse for the things she did to me because she is depressed?
Dear Barnaby,
Your wife took
your kids and left. You damaged property. You verbally and physically
abused her, so she is in a shelter.
I have a real
problem with the fact that your question is about her! I think there are more
constructive things to occupy your time and energy with! Like fixing
yourself!
Bottom line: You
are trying to take some of the responsibility off of yourself by making her
responsible. This is a no-go and is the wrong attitude for recovery.
I am not even
going to address the question of whether her depression gives her the
right to be abusive towards you because 1. I'm not sure that is what is
really going on and, 2. I think you would probably misunderstand my
position on this issue, and 3. Whatever her problems are, they are her
problems. Not yours!
You also ask if
an abusive man can be helped. The answer is yes. But, only if you stop
playing tit-for-tat and focus on yourself, the only person you
have any power over. Good for you for being in
counseling. Stay there.
Good luck to you
in your recovery, Dr. Irene
