Dear Dr. Irene,
I just found your web site today. A lot of the letters sent to you
remind me of my present situation. I've been married almost 5 years,
I have 3 beautiful kids. One by my first marriage.
My husband is verbally abusive, and used to be
physically abusive. The last time he hit me was 3 years ago; we got
into a argument over the TV remote. He started yelling and calling
me names. I had taken so much name calling, I decided to stand up
for myself. Well, that time I yelled back, and I was going to leave.
As I picked up my daughter, who was just 2 years old at the time, he
punched me in the mouth. He said I wasn't taking her. And of course
I wasn't leaving without her.
I held on to her as he tried to rip her from my
arms. This made him even madder. I had never seen him like this
before. He punched me so hard in the jaw, he knocked me down. He got
on top of me and put his legs across my arms to hold me down. My
daughter was in the floor beside me. He punched me with his fist
over and over. He hit me so hard, I actually thought I was seeing
thunder bolts of lightning in my head. Then he put his hands around
my throat and choked me until I passed out. I had never been so
afraid in all my life! Sad what happens
when a victim begins to stand up...
I came to; he was in the kitchen. I grabbed my
little girl and headed out the door. I barely could walk. I made it
to the car and then to my friends house. She called the police and
my mother. I wouldn't press charges. I agreed to go to the ER, where
the Doctor told me that my husband almost broke my jaw - and could
have strangled me to death. You were
lucky!
I felt like it was my fault that he got mad. It's never your fault how somebody acts when
they get mad. Even if something you did got them mad! I
just wanted everything to be "normal" again. About 2 days
later, he and I sat down to work everything out. And he openly
admitted he was going to kill me that night. When he was in the
kitchen, he was getting a knife. He told me that he would take me
back, but if I ever talked back to him again, he would consider me a
man and punch my lights out. Yuk.
Well, needless to say its 3 years later and I am
still with him. Why? After the fight, I got into Martial Arts. Thanks to
my big brother. I have earned my black belt. He doesn't lay a hand
on me now. Good girl! But I get yelled at and treated like I am nothing but
dirt. You don't have to take this. Put your
foot down. I wait on him hand and foot when he comes home. Why? I even lay his
clothes out for him. He does nothing around the house. It's pretty clear you resent doing this for him...
Because the
house was mine prior to our marriage, the house is falling apart. He
won't let me get a job; he doesn't want our daughter in daycare. We
do not have family close enough to baby-sit. You have the power to stand up to him now. What's
stopping you?
I have tried so hard to make this marriage work. You can't do it alone. He has to work at it too. He
has no reason to. He has a hand maiden and the only rule is that he
can't beat you up anymore. I
have lived in verbal Hell now for 5 years, and I cant do it anymore.
Good. I have been looking for a job, and I am so scared. I'm not sure what
I am afraid of. You are afraid of that which
you haven't yet done, as we all are. Your fear will diminish as you
face each task you are afraid of facing. And, you will do it. What a
track record! A black belt! I have a appointment tomorrow with a lawyer. I don't
know how I am going to pay the retainer fee. Your
husband should pay it. My husband only gives
me $100 after paying the bills each month. That's for groceries and
gas for the car. Anything else I need or the kids need comes out of
my small child support check. You need to
balance the power - as well as the money in this relationship. He
has succeeded in taking away many of your resources. He has no
right. Plus, your child support check should be going only towards
your child.
I don't know what to do. I cant go on like this -
not knowing from one day to the next what kind of mood he'll be in. I'm glad you're fed up. This is an intolerable
situation; you don't have to be here. About a week ago I met a wonderful guy. He has given me the courage
to finally do something about my situation. I want to be with him,
but I know I have to get away from my present situation first. So, that's what's given you the courage to make your
move now. Be careful! You didn't say much about your first marriage,
but you sure made a mistake by getting into this one... You are
likely to make the same mistake again. I am
afraid. I want a job so I can take care of my kids. Yes. Do that. And keep your paycheck. But it seems
like I run into brick walls. I need a job today, but it may be as
much as a month until I can get a good job. What should I do? Take a job until you can get a good job. Should
I keep on living with my husband until I get a job? Or should I just
suck it up and just do the best I can? That's
up to you Terri. It's only a matter of time it seems...
While I am very happy to hear that
you are finally taking your power, I am also concerned about going
from the frying pan into the fire. Especially when you tell me you
met a wonderful guy - about a week ago! Almost everybody is
wonderful early on. Especially abusers. If you had antenna to find
your current abuser, chances are you've discovered another. You are
impulsive. That can get you into trouble.
Advice: Get out, but slow
down! You need alone time!
Thanks for listening! Sincerely, Terri
Terri, let us know how you're doing! My very best, Dr. Irene
I want to read the
posts.
