| April 9, 2003 Hi,
Today my verbally abusive boyfriend of 6 months finally moved his
things out of the house due my constant insistence. He didn't want to
go and hung on, all the while swinging back and forth between adoring
me like no one ever had and criticizing me more and more about things
I never even thought were a problem with anyone. Like the dishwater in
the sink being a certain level for you to have really clean dishes.
What was that about but it did wear on my self esteem without me even
knowing it had? I told him I was busy getting my master's degree and
didn't have time to attend the Betty Crocker school of dishwashing. I
would stand up for myself, but I was still a willing participant as
long as he remained in my life. My responsibility.
Almost as soon as we met...he moved in, he was going through a
divorce, selling his house yada, yada, yada. Yes, I made a mistake. I
am an educated 45 year old artist who owns her own home in the country
and must have seemed like a godsend to him. Hmmm. Little did I know
what lay ahead was the same verbal abuse and shouting that I survived
as a child in my own home.
I always thought I had a good heart and could handle all sorts of
tough situations probably because of the breeding ground I grew up in,
but this man Bob, really knocked me for a loop. It was his way or I
was selfish, or he'd attack my credibility as an artist, a woman.
Nothing was off limits to him and he did not debate fairly. Even my
religion was brought up once or twice in his negative mudslinging
comments. All the while telling me I was too sensitive, I should laugh
at myself, lighten up as he continued to put me down. That was the
turning point because I knew deep down that he was a vicious person if
he was putting down something I could not control like my heritage.
After that day last month, I began telling him he would have to
plan to leave but he'd blow up, stomp around the house and he'd say
that he'd loose me to another man if he didn't live here with me.
Heck, I hadn't had a boyfriend in over a year before him, I assured
him men weren't falling out of the trees but to no avail. He'd whine
about where was he going to live even though he had money from his
house sale. I figured he must have loved me if he didn't want to go
but he just wanted to stay to keep abusing me.
Anyway, I finally rented out the room he worked on his computer in,
while he was playing a video game last Friday. That was that! Smart
move but also I was pretty racked with quilt. That soon subsided when
he went into the next phase...
telling me I misinterpreted his words. I don't know.. but how many
ways can you misinterpret you are a terrible, terrible cook. I'm just
telling you the truth. Hmmm. Not too many ways to misread that
statement. As it turned out, he never would have left if I hadn't made
it clear that I was through and his cushy game room was gone. I'm
finally so proud of myself tonight.
Wow, what a close call emotionally and spiritually. I really did
not know so clinically how extraordinarily charming these abusive men
can be.
They've really got the whole act down and yes, my self esteem was a
bit low at the time I met him as I was stressed about my finances and
other unresolved issues. But boy did he clear things up and snap me
into reality about how much I actually have going for me. I began
seeing an incredible counselor 2 weeks ago who had me pay attention to
my breathing when I spoke to her of this man. By week 3 I came in and
told her he was out. Tonight he picked up his possessions and the
little bit he left to come back for next week...I'm gathering up and
putting into a storage facility. bob, be gone!
I was looking for some support instead of missing his face and
hoping it was out there; a way to clear out the confusion that he'd
poisoned my life with for 6 months and now I know that I was in a
verbally abusive relationship. I guess it can happen to anyone at
anytime who has not dealt with their childhood issues and I am
grateful for your website's clarity and support and my dear friends. I
really did not know what I'd been through until I read your warning
signs and symptoms or a verbally abusive relationship.
Thank you so much,
sincerely yours,
Tina
Dear Tina,
I'm glad you are getting back to normal! I'm
glad you found support and education here. I also suggest you take a
look at this exceptionally informative new book by a man who counsels
abusive men.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of
Angry and Controlling Men
by Lundy Bancroft.
Thanks for writing, and I wish you continued
success! My warmest regards, Doc | 
