My
partner and I have been together 6 years. She has bipolar affective
disorder and although her illness is well controlled she is very
sensitive and emotionally labile, feeling incredibly good when all is
well and is devastated when things are bad. I am being treated for
chronic depression (reactive to severe back pain and the limitations
and changes the pain has caused to my life) I also have
a mild Acquired brain injury (due to hypoxic event with suicide
attempt in 1984) Recently I began taking a new
antidepressant and I have literally 'woken up' after a 'sleep' since
1984.
I look back now at the last 6 years with the woman I love very
deeply and clearly see the emotional carnage I have caused to our
relationship. I am an only child from a broken marriage with an
alcoholic physically abusive father (deceased) and a mother who doted on
me but was not around due to shift work during my late childhood and adolescence (also
deceased). I too am a recovering alcoholic 6 yrs sober and my partner
also a recovering alcoholic 13 yrs sober. You
both certainly have had your share of pain and trauma.
I don't actually 'abuse' her
with foul language or name calling. My abuse is more subtle and I
believe much more insidious and cruel than outright verbal or physical
abuse. The pattern is that most times my partner has something good
happen to her or receives a good surprise, I manage to invalidate
her happiness by either giving mixed messages. Example: She recently
received an Email from a friend she had not seen in 8 years. I
acknowledged that this was great and suggested she Email her friend
back. My partner and I had previously organized to watch a video
together. Instead of leaving my partner to write the rather long Email
back to her friend and enjoy the moment, I said "Are we going to
watch this video or not?" after about 15 minutes. This had the
effect of distressing my partner and invalidated her happiness which I
had encouraged only 15 min's earlier. This example is a little
trite but is indicative of the subtlety of my emotional abuse which
occurs very frequently. Excellent that you see
it!
I also find it incredibly frustrating that I am
not able to console my partner when I am the one who has caused the
harm. Very common, by the way. If she is hurt by someone else I am very capable of providing
loving, caring support. I know that abuse is about power and I
find it impossible to look deeply enough inside myself to discover
why I need power. "Power" is too
abstract. That's what she gives away. More basic: It is about your anger
and frustration that you are not feeling as good as you want to feel and
your expectation that you should or that she should help you feel
better. Essentially you're telling me
you're saying something like: "How dare you be happy and forget
about me!"
My conscious mind believes we are equals and
individuals who walk through life side by side. I am also divorced
with 3 daughters and a granddaughter. I believe I was subservient in the
marriage preferring the wife to take charge. I am now much more
responsible for myself and I don't believe my behaviour in the marriage
is relevant to my current situation. The common
thread is the lack of a centered Self, a calm, firm "base".
First by having the wife "take over," and now by expecting
that your partner be available at all times, you indicate the lack of an
internal good space. I have done some reading on abuse
and have University training in psychosocial, social and psychological
spheres. I am also an ex cop and have dealt with hundreds of abusive
situations. Despite deep introspection I cannot identify my 'Demon' and
intend to seek psychotherapy before I destroy our relationship. I would
greatly value your opinion. Yours sincerely D.G.
You are way ahead of the
game. Your self-awareness is excellent, and you are searching how to get
out of this destructive maze. While many roads lead to Rome, I suggest
you start by examining your expectations. At those moments she is
content though removed from you, what are you feeling? Is there a sense
of resentment that she is happy or absorbed in something other than you?
Do you think she you "should" notice that she's not paying
attention to you? How many minutes of letter writing did you implicitly
give her "permission" to write? Why do you think you
have a right to make these determinations?
Look at these specifics
and examine your underlying belief that her world has to revolve around
yours. It can't and it won't. Never, ever - because it is impossible,
let alone unhealthy. Yet, you continue to implicitly expect that it
does, and become resentful each time she "disappoints" you... You
will be in pain and you will create pain as long as you are focused on
her, expecting her to focus on you.
Time to stop expecting
the impossible and accept reality...
Good luck to you!
Anybody have feedback for
DG?
